American Idol 2012 Top 7 Elimination Recap

This is…finally an interesting episode of American Idol.

Last night most of the kids, save Phillip, gave pretty awful performances.  Anyone of them could go home. My hopes lie on America redeeming themselves and proving they have the power by voting Jessica off though.  Man that kid annoys me.

The judges come onstage and for the first time all season I have nothing mean to say about JLo’s outfit.  It looks perfect for playing Bingo at the Seniors Centre.

Nana would look lovely in this.

And then they get to my favorite part.  The group song. Holy bubbles of shit.  That was the worst version of Dancing in the Streets that I have ever heard or seen in my life.  It was so bad that there is nothing on Earth bad enough to compare it to. Never, ever again Idol.
But wait, it gets better when we come to my beloved Ford commercial.  What in the hell was that? Whomever is writing/producing these monstrosities should be fired.  Call me, I will happily do it.  Argh!

I’ve had less confusing acid trips.

Finally the craptacular is over and we get down to business. Ryanne calls Joshua and Hollie to the stage.

Joshua Ledet

Smell something?

Jimmy says – Joshua did himself a lot of good by staying in his sweet spot.  He has a good shot at the finals.
I say – Ever leave a fish in the sun? It might be in a nice place, doesn’t mean it’s gonna end up smelling like chocolate.

Hollie Cavanaugh

Something looks different about Adele.

Jimmy says – Hollie came out of her shell but didn’t come out of the bottom 3.
I say – The only thing that came out of Hollie was Adele.

And with that Joshua is safe and Hollie is sent to the Island of Chairs for Losers.

The first guest performer tonight is some dude named Chris Allen.  My notes say – Who in the hell is this kid? Wait what? He won Idol 3 years ago?  For real?  I have never heard of him in my life so he must have made a big impression on the music industry. Meh. Sounds like old U2 but worse. Less exciting than this hangnail I am currently chewing on.

My promoters were right to suggest not facing the audience to get my face out there.

Back to the good stuff.  Ryanne calls up Skylar and Elise.

Elise Testone

The picture speaks for itself.

Jimmy says – It fell flat.  No babies made during her version of Let’s Get It On.
I say – Not true, some dude probably banged his old lady after watching her go down on her mic.

Skylar Laine

Faker.

Jimmy says – Delivered.  Every week gets better and better.  Best performer we’ve got.
I say – Louder does not equal better. I can be quite loud while faking an O.

Surprise, surprise Skylar is safe and Elise is sent to the Island of Chairs for Losers.

Next up we get a performance by LMFAO. YAY! I love these guys. I use their album for working out. But then we go to my notes – Jeebus.  They sound nothing like my iPod.  Should have auto-tune for my TV.  It is so depressing to think that the music industry has come down to digitally altering EVERYONE.  Fuck you music industry for thinking that we are all so lemming like that we will take whatever you give us.  Know why your record sales are at an all time low? Illegal downloading? Nope.  Shitty assed “musicians”.  There is a reason that Adele, Amy Winehouse, and the likes sell record numbers.  It’s because we rubes know actual talent. Stop trying to make a quick buck off us and give us some real music. We could be brought back into the music buying fold if you would smarten the hell up! Fucking blind dumbasses.  Wow. Sorry.  Apparently I had something to say about that issue.

Sorry For Partly Rocking.

Let’s get back to the reason we are here that doesn’t include my Soap Box.

Ryanne calls up the final 3. Colton, Phillip, and Jessica.

Jessica Sanchez

So much vibrato the picture is blurry.

Jimmy says – She needs to sing songs that are more suitable. The songs she has been singing are too old for her.
I say – Trust me, that is the least of her worries.

Phillip Phillips

Does your daddy let you date?

Jimmy says – Phillip did a great job.  He really fell into it.  Last night was just a pass. He should be in the finale.
I say – Phillip is pretty.

Colton Dixon

Steven wants his pants back. You wear them wrong.

Jimmy says – Last night was a real problem in how he looked, sang, and performed.  He needs a complete overhaul.
I say – AMEN Jimmy!!

Ryanne reads us the votes and Jessica is safe! Booo! Then he tells us that Phillip too is safe and Colton has been sent to the Island of Chairs for Losers.

Ryanne pulls all three back to centre stage and asks the judges if America got it right.  Randy says he doesn’t know and they feel powerless. Shouldn’t have wasted that save then huh?
Elise is safe! Phew!
Now we are down to Colton and Hollie which means Hollie is going home.  Except that she’s not. HOLY SHIT! Colton is eliminated!

Really America? Me?

On one hand I am shocked as I was really sure it would have been Hollie.  On the other hand I am really excited because as far as I am concerned this means that Phillip will win Idol.  All the little girls that can no longer vote for Colton will swing over to the other “cute boy”. YAY!

SO wow.  I still personally think that Jessica should have gone home to right last week’s wrong but it is what it is. Let me know if you even vote for these people.  I think I might start voting for Phillip just because he is the only one left worth the win. What do you think?

Love and Poolboys,
PearlBlackDragon

Follow a bitch on Twitter @PearlBDragon

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