This is…me back in front of my computer writing about American Idol.
So all five of you might have noticed (might) that I have been MIA for the last two weeks. I had something come up that couldn’t be helped and since no one likes AI I had no sub. SORRY!
I did, however, keep up with the show so I am fully up to speed.
The week before last we saw the last of DeAndre “The Hair” Brackensick. Oh thank goodness. The kid was driving me crazy and I couldn’t afford the gas to LA to cut his hair off with a butter knife. It was better for both of us that he left now.
Last week America answered my prayers and voted off Jessica “The Vibrato” Sanchez. But noooo the judges used their save and kept her. Booo! Randy Jackson even had the gall to say that Jessica is one of the best singers in America. WTF? The girl CAN sing but she has some horrible habits and is definitely NOT one of the best singers in America. The judges should have let America choose and leave it at that. At least they don’t have any more saves. Fucking judges.
And with that in depth recap of the last two weeks let’s dive right into this week.
As the judges come on stage I am confused. JLo’s dress is a grey/silver reptile bandage thing. I can’t decide if I like it or not. It feels off but in that it’s so bad I think I like it kind of way. Lemme sit on this one.
They don’t even half coordinate. Jeebus.
Ryanne tells us that this week the contestants will be singing two songs tonight. A number one hit from 2000 to now, and a Soul song from “back in the day”. Back in what day? When in the fuck is “back in the day”? I NEED answers! Then we find out “back in the day” means from Soul Train. The show that lasted 30 years and ended in 2006. So basically they are picking a fucking song from a 30 year time period that INCLUDES six of the twelve years they get to choose their first song from. Good thinking this through American Idol. Fucking fuck. Anyways, enough ranting let’s get to this.
Since each contestant gets two songs I am just going to do both songs for each person. It’s a lazy more me friendly kinda thing.
Hollie Cavanaugh –
Rollin’ In the Deep by Adele
When did Adele go blonde?
If one more contestant on one more reality show sings this song I am going to have to ban it from life. Enough already. As for Hollie? Good job Adele. You can tell that Hollie listens to this song on repeat as she hits every note and nuance JUST like Adele. Not great, not bad.
Steven – You finally came out of your shell (as Adele)
Jennifer – No thinking. You did it. (as Adele)
Randy – I felt you. (you felt Adele)
Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield
Even her angry isn’t mad
Meh. She’s still an OK singer but she lost some of her excitement this go around. Maybe it was just because she doesn’t know this song as well as her other song. She can go now.
Randy – Dude. You worked it out. (by running all over the stage)
Jennifer – This was better than the first song (No. No it was not)
Steven – I think you can push it even more (I think she’s peaked)
Colton Dixon -
Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
Bad Romance, bad pants. Same thing.
OMR. This was an AWFUL arrangement. The vocals were terrible. They were all over the place and flat. And sad. This was just bad.
Randy – Not sure if this was your greatest performance (it wasn’t)
Jennifer – Exciting. Parts I loved and parts to low (What are you drinking tonight JLo)
Steven – You’re doing it really well (if you can do well at suck)
September by Earth, Wind & Fire
Trying for the pre-teen vote
Ugh. Again too low. I did NOT like this version of the song. Get out of the Colton box and do something else. He is killing himself with his “artful” arrangements of bad song choices.
Steven – Wrong song for your voice (amen)
Jennifer – Sounded good but wrong song (half right)
Randy – It wasn’t as exciting as we would have liked (or as good)
Elise Testone -
No One by Alicia Keys
Totally my pee pee dance
Great vocal. Now you know I love me some Elise but this was just another original artist copycat. And did she have to pee? All her bouncing made me have to pee. Not cool.
Jennifer – Goosies. You feel so natural. (I hate anything you say now because of that damned word)
Steven – Wish you sang a better chorus (as opposed to the one that was written?)
Randy – Great lesson in restraint from you (no. too much restraint not enough Elise)
Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye
It does look like some kind of “gettin on”
OH NO. This was the WRONG SONG for her. She could have killed the soul portion of the show but this was all over the place and she WAY over sang this song. What is going on? Where has the real Elise gone? She is definitely not here tonight.
Jennifer – You needed more emotion (and less over-singing)
Steven – You need to find those few songs that blow people away (^5 Steven)
Randy – Wrong song for your voice. You over sang this song (how are we agreeing? Am I high?)
Phillip Phillips -
You Got It Bad by Usher
He’s thinkin’ about the beach too. Le sigh.
Butta. Pure butta. THIS is talent Randy Jackson! I want this song for my iPod. Or I want Phillip to sing it to me on a private beach with a bed in the sand and some red wine and…sorry getting a little carried away here. If you don’t actually watch this show and just read the ‘caps YouTube this. Now. I’ll wait. Judge standing O.
Steven – Great tonight (nuff said)
Jennifer – That was sooo sexy (sure was)
Randy – I love that we have a true artist on stage (that’s what I keep trying to tell you)
In the Midnight Hour by Wilson Pickett
Just happy to be here
FINALLY some soul on this train. I love how much fun he has when he is on stage. It is contagious. Great song choices tonight.
Randy – You are who you are (and you are wishy washy)
Jennifer – Blah blah blah (yeah you fantasized about him too HA)
Steven – You are brilliantly awkward (and that is a perfect description)
Jessica Sanchez -
Fallin’ by Alicia Keys
I don’t need to move when my notes are all over the place
More of the same. I would love to hear her sing a song that had no vocal gymnastics. I can only listen to them for so long before every song sounds exactly the same.
Steven – You got mad at that song (mad that it was over done)
Jennifer – The way you play with songs…it’s like juggling (that is not a good thing)
Randy – Talent is so otherworldly (bring it back down)
Try a Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
This looks mellow when in reality it was a vocal floor routine
See above. I am so tired of writing the same thing about this girl over and over again. She needs to change this shit up and she needs a GOOD vocal coach.
Steven – You’ve done it again (that’s what I said)
Jennifer – You gotta start pushing (or don’t. Let’s go with less)
Randy – You need to connect with the lyrics more (and find a note and stick with it)
Skylar Laine -
Born This Way by Lady Gaga
She is yelling this song. Again. Skylar! I adore you kid but you have to learn the difference between pushing a note and yelling it. Blah.
Jennifer – A more perfect song for you does not exist (now learn to sing it)
Steven – Giving the other girls a run for their money (because they were all also awful)
Randy – Put your own spin on it (no she didn’t. Gaga changed that shit up)
Heard it Through the Grapevine by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
Oh. I like this version of this song. Good song choice Skylar. But she still needs to tone it down a bit. Definitely the better of the two songs.
Randy – Brilliant. You had a good time. (well she had a good time)
Jennifer – I love your spunk (now work on the vocals)
Steven – Wild horse that refuses to be tamed (this horse needs to be broken in)
Joshua Ledet -
I Believe by Fantasia
So boring even HE is sleeping through it
Meh. Good choir vocal as usual. So many songs he could have chosen and he chose this one? Stab me in the ears. He is like Jessica in that this is just more of the same. He needs to change it up and have a moment because he has lost me completely. Judge standing O. Fuck that.
Randy – One of the most gifted singers on the show (or most boring)
Jennifer – You give America all of you (now give me something else)
Steven – You could sing the phone book (please do not do that ever)
A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke
After we sleep, we eat
HE SO OVER SANG THAT DAMNED SONG! Gross.
Steven – You had restraint (Steven has been eating Delusion-Os)
Jennifer – I want more! (I do not)
Randy – Perfect song for you (are we watching the same show?)
And that was tonight. Full of awful song choices and over singing. I think we should just get to the bottom three now and get it over with. Mainly so that I don’t have to listen to anymore vibrato, over singing, yelling, and vibrato. (I know I said it twice. I hate it that much.)
SO what do you think? If you had to choose your top three right now who would it be? Tell me in the comments below.
Love and Poolboys,
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