American Idol: A Year Without a Summertime

This shit’s almost over, so let’s not waste any time and instead get right to the obligatory “Tink’s Tall” shot of the evening.

Unfortunately, he eventually has to make it down the stairs and boom. Short again.

Short people got no body.

This is the fight over who gets to sing Skara’s super shitty finale song of the year! And THIS. IS AMERICAN IDOL!

I can’t decide whether I’m more excited for this finale or Lost’s. I want to find out WTF has been happening on Lost, and I just want this bitch to die. The excitement is probably equal for both. I think Crystal has been the smoke monster this whole time. It’s hard not to feel sorry for Tom Hanks’ kid right now.

HEY! My dad won two Oscars! Why do I have to come here?

Tink asks the audience who their fave is, and it’s an overwhelming “Leeeeee!!!” I was looking at the Idol Facebook page. Each of the finalists put little messages, but Lee’s comments outnumbered the others by at least two to one. Never underestimate the power of Facebook. Just ask Betty White. Or Sarah Palin.

Let’s say hi to the Judges! Randy looks at his cue card right in time to read “raise finger to air, show off diamonds.”

Ellen’s wearing horizontal stripes. They don’t make her look fat, but it’s the first time I’ve ever noticed that she has actual boobs. I predict after seeing this she will never wear horizontal stripes ever again.

Skara waves her entire arm at the pit to try and avoid jiggling, but it doesn’t work. She should just put her arm down. Her eyes are completely black again today, which means Satan has decided the Final Three ep is worthy of his presence.

Simon looks like he always looks. Red/brown, chewy, and bored.

Tonight, each of the finalists will sing two songs. One they choose, and one the judges choose. Man I wish Paula was here. Her suggestions were always the most torturous. I don’t plan on any of these snore judges to choose YMCA for Lee, and you know with Paula there would at least be a chance.

Casey Prettiness is singing “Ok Is Alright with Me”, and says that he feels like he wrote this song. I can see that. It’s simple, repetitive, and has really good hair. He smiles tensely throughout, and he’s got his bff guitar with him. Pitchwise, he’s a bit all over the place and this isn’t really a vocal showcase, but with Pretty you just have throw your hands up in the air and touch your nipples. I can’t believe he’s singing “OK is alright with me.” Like go fuck yourself, I’m fine being mediocre. That should be the theme song for the season. Overall, he scores a WTF. At least Raggedy Anne liked it.

Randy laughs evilly and says that the lyrics fit the performance because it was ok at best. Pretty seems totally clueless at this point, but that quality’s gotten him this far, so who knows? Ellen agrees that this is the live or die or sink or swim or rightie tightie leftie loosie moment and he needed to do more. Skara says that she doesn’t even have an erect labia after that performance. Simon says that it’s the most important night of his life and that was a shitty salad course. Ouch. He called you SALAD!! He may as well have used the c word. Poor Tink. even Pretty’s mic stand is taller than he is.

Crystal Organic Joplin is next. You know what? I HATE the nickname OrganicJoplin. I gave her that lame moniker when I thought she wouldn’t make it to the top 12. I think we should start calling her Hobo Harriet. And…done.

Hobo is bringing out the big guns tonight. A guitar, a harmonica, and really ratty hair. I feel sorry for that poor harmonica, cuz rotting teeth breath is not pleasant for anyone. Human or harmonica.

She’s singing “Come to My Window”, because she’s always dreamt of having one. When she gets one, she’ll sing “Somewhere Out There.” She says the song is about passion, love, and screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.

She starts with the harmonica, but it sounds weird. I think the harmonica is holding it’s breath. How is Hobo thin as a stick one week and a little hippy the next? I change weight really fast too, but it’s always up and up. I am jealous of a hobo. That’s what this show has done to me. She’s singing into her mic lamp thing, and I wonder if the family she stole that off of has noticed it yet watching this at home.

She’s a little off today, and her big scream note is garbled and crackly. Ouch. It doesn’t get better as the song goes on. Her voice is trashed. At least her boyfriend is dressed for success.

No one in the welfare line is gonna look cuter.

Randy blames the arrangement, but when he gets booed he changes his tune and says he liked that Hobo sounded great. WHAT?!?!? COME ON!! That was hideous! Ellen tries to be serious and it’s lame. She says Melissa would be proud. Of course she would say that. Gay mafia alert! Skara sounds disappointed and says Hobo needs a “moment” but gives her credit for a good vocal. This is bullshit. Simon says it was not stunning but he likes that she hasn’t compromised herself. Yes she has! She’s letting her hair grow out and she’s wearing makeup and ball gowns and shit. WHAT. EVER.

Hobo says that she’s just grateful for her son and her mic stand. No one applauds, and she looks like she’s gonna sob. Please do. It will probably sound better than the throat fart you just laid on us. Lee has figured out my trick for getting a thinner face in pictures.

Arial shots.

The kids got to go home this week, and Tink says that Lee came back a different person. Has he finally morphed into a total douche? That’s the best part of watching this show progress. Time will tell. For now, he stutters and mutters blandly about how awesome the AT&T store was. He’s singing “Simple Man” cuz “when yer, when yer, when you understand something you can sing it better.” Umkay, simple man.

He’s in full on nasal growl off key mode tonight. He does seem different. More comfortable. He even walks around! WOWEE! He has more than a few stinkers, but he isn’t consistently off key til he’s wailing towards the end. His last note isn’t even close, and he cuts off the band like three seconds after they’ve stopped playing. LOL. This is possibly the worst final three in history.

Randy loved it! Ellen looks like she’s seasick.

Ellen says he went from tiny lamb to scary leopard or something. Skara says everyone needs to be as good as him.

Let me guess. Home schooled?

Lee tells Simon he chose the song cuz mutter stutter duh der huh what I dunno fuuun. Simon thinks it was on the money and calls the perf brilliant. I have never seen Lee smile this much. It makes me uncomfortable. On our way to break, we see Pretty with Skara. Subtle, you two.

Home visits! Pretty goes to Texas!

Sorry, lady, you’re a little young for me.

The only people in Pretty’s crowd are little girls. And maybe a couple of super creepy guys.

Yikes. This is how I felt when I saw Sex and the City in the theater.

Even dead teens love him!

Randy and Skara have chosen “Daughters” by John Mayer. They seem to be the only people voting this season, so it good choice. Randy says that John Mayer is a good goal for Pretty, and Skara says that to stay in the competition, Pretty has to be vulnerable and naked. He needs to know his audience, which are prepube girls. Skara’s annoying, but she’s not stupid.

Pretty doesn’t seem to know what to do with this song at first. I mean with the notes. As in…how to hit them. As he warms up to it, he sounds pretty good and Skara’s right that this is the type of song he should be singing. It’s only a matter of time before he’s dumping Jennifer Aniston.

It’s easy, one note, and only has a couple of reach moments. Both of which he misses. I think he fucks up his guitar playing too. I’m surprised that Pretty did’t get better and better. He seems to have slid backwards. His last note is wack. Lame. If you get thirty seconds to sing and ten of that is playing guitar, you’ve done something wrong. Why? WHY?

Randy says that he hated the first song but loved this one. Ellen thinks he will have lots of mothers and daughters and sons voting for him. Ellen is one big gay joke. Skara credits herself for making the right choice while Simon openly laughs at her. LOL. Simon says the arrangement is lazy and the ending guitar solo was limp. Skara argues that it was all about emotion and if he’s limp it’s cuz he didn’t take his vitamins. Simon says that she should have rewritten a climax for him. HAHAH I LOVE SIMON.

Ellen chose Hobo’s song, but Melissa Ethridge was already chosen so I’m guessing KD Lang or Clay Aiken. During break, the news tells us about a school that teaches autistic kids to be rock stars. It’s heart warming. And ear shattering.

In good old fashioned SILENCE.

Hobo Harriet went back to Ohio to check out her crowd. They are way scragglier than Pretty’s.

Finally, dirty hair has found something to cheer for.

Hobo is handed a cell phone to read her text and she tries to run off with it. Security takes her into custody and announces that Ellen has chosen “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. So not a lesbian. I’m disappointed. Dude. Hobo’s crowd is scaring me. This lady is screaming like a trailer on fire.

Skara’s fakeness just kills me. Before she sees the cam:

Why is she still sitting next to me?

After she sees the cam:

Yay Price is Right!

Ellen wants to show that Hobo has range. Hobo has some issues at first. She’s tapping her foot way faster than the song and she’s not happy just singing the soft parts. She has to yell, and it kills the notes. The song pumps up and she gets some of the yells right and then moves into soft high notes with ease. And then more yelling. She doesn’t change the lyrics and keeps it “I’m a man and you’re a woman.” LOL. Her yelling is more tired than ever by the end. Damn girl. She doesn’t look like that was easy.

I need a cigarette.

Randy shouts that it was a great song and great vocals. I can’t get behind it cuz it’s another song my dad sang in the car trying to calm down after my mom chased him through the house with a wooden spoon. And yes they’re still married. Heaven for all of us.

Ellen loved it, and Skara says that that was a totally different side of Hobo’s voice. How? It was yell and then more yell. “You really pushed.” Exactly. She’s gonna need adrenaline shots on her vocal chords by the time you torturers are done with her. Simon is sure she will be in the finals.

Not gonna lie. I’m a little worried.

Lee goes home too, and you can tell he’s the fave cuz Simon chose his song and he doesn’t have to go to the AT&T store.

Simon chose “Hallelujah”. Ugh. Cuz we haven’t heard that song eight million times on this show. Way to force him to be original, Si! Well, at least it will mean less growl shouting (in theory) and it’s a gorge song. Simon says he chose it cuz he likes Lee as a person and he needs a moment. Cuz NO ONE has had one yet.

Simon was right about this being a good one for Lee. He sounds great at first, and even throws in some high notes. Sure, they’re off key by the end of the run but still. I’ve never heard this song shouted before. But at least it’s different. Lee may not be capable of a moment on his own, so Simon has sent him out with a black army.

He has shouted so much that at the end, he just sighs into the mic. That has to be the biggest, most masturbatory version of that song I have ever heard. It’s also the first time I have heard it that I felt nothing. Meet your new American Idol! Blame the economy. We blame it for everything else.

Simon gives an “I told you so” look to the other judges, and Ellen smiles politely. Randy says that he has been waiting all season for someone to make an attempt to win and that was it! That’s sad. Lee thanks Simon and then stutters and mutters. Ellen calls the performance stunning, and Skara says that Lee is what the show is all about. He was poor and now he gels his hair. It was epic! Simon is proud of him and Lee cries. Oh wah. Shave. It’s more productive. I have no hate for Lee, just shrugs.

Pretty is the obvious pic to go tomorrow, but I have a feeling it might be Hobo Harriet! Now let’s listen to Lee stutter and mutter about absolutely fucking nothing for awhile. Or not. FF.