American Idol: America’s Sweethearts

Pint-sized marionette Tink is dangled across the Idol stage, his jaw flapping as a voice tells us a lot of people are going to be disappointed with the results of the top six elimination. The beginning of these results shows have become interchangeable. One elimination show is like another is like another is like the first time Tink brings a woman home: “don’t be too dazzled by all the lights and shiny surroundings; you will be disappointed.”

Before we get to the results or music though, it’s time for us to once again pat the judges on the back for being wealthy and famous and adored. Tink tells us that Stevie T. is on not one but two magazine covers. He’s got a spread in the Pulitzer prize-winning People magazine and he’s on the cover of Rolling Stone, which says he went from bad boy to America’s sweetheart.

Tink wants to know if Steven’s a good boy now. Steven, of course, has a ridiculously cliched answer, saying that he is good but when he’s bad he’s even better. I think he is a sweetheart. I’d like to see him in a re-make of America’s Sweethearts. He can take John Cusack’s spot. He and Julia Roberts making out would have to be shot with a wide lens and in 3-D to accommodate those lips.

I’m disappointed that there hasn’t been any love for Randy, who is featured in a Wal-mart commercial. Here you go Randy.

Lookin’ good, dawg.

There’s a behind-the-scenes video of the Idol cast going to Brit Week at what I assume is the consulate in L.A. Casey breezes past the British consul-general and gives her a “hey dude, how’s it goin’?” kind of greeting. Most of the cast does awful fake British accents and they’re amazed by the fish-n-chips. I guess they don’t have fried fish and french fries in Hicksville, USA? After acting like a bunch of hillbillies, they get hit on by Fred Willard. You know you’ve made it in L.A. when you’re partying with Fred Willard and eating fries.

Did ya’ll know that “chips” in English is fries?!

The group song for the night is a medley of Carole King hits. I think most of Carole King’s hits are more melancholy than medley, but that didn’t stop someone from putting together a schizophrenic arrangement. Haley starts things off with her Vanna White arm. James, Scotty, Casey and Lusky join in. It’s a bit sappy until James and Casey start groping invisible boobs.

For me, the best sounding part is when Lauren and Haley cover “One Fine Day.” The most throwback part is when Scotty sits on the stairs surrounded by props — I mean girls — who gently sway while he sings. It’s very throwback — like we’re watching some corny-ass variety show from the ’50s. All that was missing were the bubbles.

It’s best to teach girls that they’re accessories at a young age. That way, they won’t be surprised when they become trophy wives.

So, Crystal Bobbysox is the first guest singer of the night. She was at a truck stop one day with her thumb stuck out when she heard the sweet, sad sound of a harmonica wafting on the hot, dusty breeze. She followed the sound and that’s where she found a large hairy Asian man and a large hairy white man playing the mouth organ and plucking some sort of lap harp. It was a sound she could dig, so she invited those two to tour with her and that’s what they’ve been doing every since.

They wore their formal clothes since they’d be on the teevee.

Crystal hasn’t changed since her days on Idol. Same two textured hair. Same lamp-as-a-mic stand. Same yellow teeth. She sings about love and music. She sounds good and her singing is effortless. Same ol’ Crystal. She always tried, but didn’t really care to go all out, y’know. She never wanted to be a pop star.

OK, Tink’s got some special blue cards that have questions from the public. Oh, I hate questions from the public. I’ve been to so many public meetings where Jane and Joe Q. Public are handed a mic and it never ends well. You learn just how many paranoid people there are in your neighborhood who blame the mayor for the injustices being done to the feral cats of the community, who have rights just like everybody else!

First question is for Casey. “If you could do it with anyone, who would it be and what would you sing?” Oh, excuse me, if you could DUET with anyone. Casey says he’d totally do it with Oscar Peterson, a musician that he has a big jazz boner for.

Someone wants to know when Jacob discovered the range in his voice. Jacob says when he was six or seven and singing in the church choir. And the myth begins. “Yeah, I was singing in the womb. My mama would just open her mouth and I’d sing really high like this… or really low like this.” I’m not saying I don’t believe him. But I went to school with boys and know how much puberty can change your voice and I sure as heck wasn’t in second grade with bass-voiced seven-year-olds.

Lauren: what’s the hardest thing about being an Idol finalist? Besides feeling the wrath of both Miley and Hannah? Lauren says she misses her friends and family back home, especially because of all of the tornadoes.

Some stalker wants to know if Scotty McCreery had a job before Idol. Scotty says he worked in a grocery and even remembers the register code for Granny Smith Apples. This seems like a sweet, innocent story, but it’s really code to his cadre of senior supporters. “Granny smith apple” means “keep up the good work, grannies.” “Fixodent and forget it” means “pick up your phones and get to dialing!”

Someone wants to know if James played with a band before he came on American Idol. He did. He always has a side project going on when he isn’t flat ironing his hair or making leather jewelry.

Haley: who is your all time favorite past Idol contestant? When someone asks you a question and it’s not about yourself, you need to at least pretend to be more interesting. Why not ask her what product she uses in her hair? Or when she had the stroke that rendered her left arm completely useless and floppy? Anyway, she liked Hambert… Also Siobahn… and Kelly. Oh, and Lee. And also Crystal. She pretty much liked ‘em all.

Finally time to narrow down this pool of winners. Tink calls Haley to center stage first. She sang “Beautiful.” Because there’s so much time to kill this week, there’s a full-on video recap and Jimmy Iovine weighs in on the performances via video, too. Jimmy agrees with JHo’s assessment that Haley has one of the best voices in the competition. He says he might agree with Steven if he had any idea how or why Steven saw God when Haley sang. Jimmy says the problem with Haley is that she doesn’t know what kind of artist she is and the audience is picking up on that.

Back live on stage… Haley’s pretty bummed about Jimmy’s comment and she stutters that she totally knows what kind of artist she is. She’s like jazz or blues or pop or background. One of those — that’s what kind of artist she is! It doesn’t matter, though, because she’s safe.

Scotty’s called up next. He sang “You’ve Got a Friend.” Jimmy says that Scotty’s a phenom with strength and character and confidence. He disagrees with the judges pushing Scotty to go harder. If Johnny Cash was a contestant, you wouldn’t tell him to spread his wings, Jimmy says. Scotty has subtleties, although he admits that in this kind of competition, the unsophisticated audience may overlook them. Let’s just say this — Johnny Cash wouldn’t be caught dead withing 10 miles of the American Idol set.

A million granny panties just got damp.

Back on stage, Scotty says that he knows people might be looking for glory notes, but sometimes it’s best to have an intimate moment with the audience. An intimate moment with all 30 million of them. Tink sends Scotty back to the couch, but he’s not safe yet.

Lauren’s up next. She sand “Where You Lead.” Jimmy thinks Lauren ignores the good comments and only focuses on the negative ones — something that’s probably true of many people, teen girls in particular. But he doesn’t think she’s in danger of leaving.

Oz has spoken! Now send her to safety, Munchkin Tink!

Lauren tells Tink that she’s working on staying positive. To help her out with that, he sends her back to the couch to wait, leaving her hanging in the process.

Casey sang “Hi-De-Ho.” Steven enjoyed it up to the mother lovin’ sky and it made his scalp get all itchy and flaky. Jimmy thinks Casey’s a great musician, btu he was disappointed that Casey growled so much, because the family dog doesn’t vote. He does predict that Casey will be safe, though. Get ready to eat your hat Jimmy. I think that would be great, because I want to see the giant bald spot that he’s clearly hiding under there.

Casey tells Tink that the growl is about pent up aggression and it’s his passion coming out. Yes, that growl that we’re hearing is the essence of passion, spurting from Casey’s body in great big loads. He, too, is sent back to the couch with no word of safety.

James sang “Will You Love Me Tomorrow.” Jimmy is really against James ever singing heavy metal again, saying this is the right song for him and if he can keep it up, he’ll win. Blah, blah, blah, James is safe.

Jacob did “Oh No, Not My Baby.” Jimmy yells into the camera that he thought Jacob had accidentally run next door to the “Dancing With the Stars” and gotten his performance night costume from there.

Was this really that bad?

Jimmy says Idol is about the total package and James is on banana peel status. I guess he’s slipping? Or he’s a wacky cartoon character? I didn’t think his performance night outfit was that bad. He’s following in some great footsteps.

And let’s be clear… the styling on this show can be out of control:

None of this fits, matches, or is attractive.

The remaining unsafe contestants are called up to join Jacob. Tink tells us that Lauren is safe leaving Casey, Jacob and Scotty the Body in the last three.

But before we can find closure, diminutive doo-wopper Bruno Mars performs. His band and a dog are sitting on old couches and performing a song about being lazy and lying around the house all day in a snuggie. It’s a performance that begs the question “how high was the songwriter as the deadline for the album approached?”

You won’t be catching any grenades if you’re on that wacky tobacky.

Ok, final results in random order. Jacob is safe. He looks pretty shocked and his gramma thanks Jesus. Uh-oh. Alarms are going off. There’s one granny who’s not on Team Scotty. But Scotty is safe, so there’s no need for Gramma Lusky to panic. Yet.

That means Casey is leaving. There’s a flashback to his time on Idol, form his start playing the melodica in line… to playing his bass… to jumping around growling and having JHo call him “impor’ant.” There was that time he almost puked all over himself when the judges used their save. And that time he kissed JHo.

Casey closes out the night with an energetic performance of “I Put a Spell on You.” He kisses Steven, hugs JHo, and dap/hugs Randy. He walks through the audience grabbing random girls to kiss and he hugs all of the contestants’ family members. He ends back on stage singing the last “you’re mine” to Haley, just so those romance rumors can last longer than his time on the show.

All-in-all, I think you made the right choice America. Casey grew on me, but he definitely wasn’t going to win the whole shebang. And I think he was relieved. He was really uncomfortable getting the judges save and I think between that and his illness he was probably ready to move on.

Anyone out there devastated to see Weird Beard go? Should someone else have gone home instead?