American Idol: Artists

Man, Kris Allen isn’t aging well.

There are about five car commercials in a row before the show starts, which means the ad people really need to learn who their audience is. The ads should all be for Little Caesar’s and phone sex. Who’s driving? The sun’s down. Unless that car is edible, get it the f off my TV.

All these faces came to this show with a dream! A dream of putting on a loincloth and fighting cougars for a colosseum of bloodthirsty plebs, a dream of gaining fifty pounds in three months and having hats made to fit your pumpkin head, a dream of never having to shave your 90′s soul patch just cuz Homo Depot finds it tired and inappropriate for the workplace, a dream of having a roof over your head for a little bit in a large hotel with lots of couches to look for change in, and a dream of not looking four feet tall.

Can’t always get what you want, Tinkersmell.

Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel are here! At first I thought they were stand-in judges, but Idina’s a little too fresh and non whiny looking to be Skara and Randy hasn’t been that thin since his before his lap band popped after he ate one too many cheetos back in 2006.

Also in the crowd, this super awkward homely girl with horrible posture and a lady whose arms jiggle like two flapjacks coming off the griddle at IHOP.

Tink tells us it’s our job to guide these kids to the finale. I wish that was my damn job. There would be a lot fewer bruised busboys in my life. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is back in a Mister Rogers sweater tonight. Thank God, cuz he was changing it up last week and one thing I need in my life is consistency, even if it comes in the form of super fug expensive sweaters.

Ellen’s here to prove that lesbians don’t only wear grey. They also wear grey.

Skara, jealous of Ellen’s popularity with the crowd, has shown up tonight in a really bad Ell knockoff. While Ellen looks like a preppy, slick young schoolboy with Benjamin Button disease, Skar just looks like a desperate insecure slag in a dowdy suit.

If she gets up and starts dancing I’m throwing something at the tube.

Simon’s mic makes his boobs look even bigger. They should market that thing.

Tonight, the contestants will be singing solos, but just to make sure you feel like your time is properly wasted, they will also be singing duets! Tonight is movie night! Ooooh! I hope someone sings the theme from The Bounty Hunter!

Jamie Foxx is the mentor today, cuz he’s a star of both music and film! I hope he’s more Ray tonight than The Soloist. There can only be one panhandler on the show at a time. Position filled.

Tink tells us that many people dream of careers with no boundaries. Why are we plugging a goddamn Skara song right now? I don’t know, but I’m hoping it’s for comic relief cuz that song is ridic.

We get a montage of Foxx pics. Foxx in a movie! Foxx in a fur coat! Foxx kissing Tink on the head straight out of the tanning bed!

I loved the last time Foxx was on the show, cuz he sweated buckets and grabbed his wiener a lot. He gets together with all the contestants and asks them who’s gonna win. Crystal OrganiJoplin says “everyone’s a winner!” Sorry, hon, but there’s only one Ford Fiesta. If everyone was a winner we wouldn’t get to watch people get their dreams crushed, and without seeing people get their dreams crushed it’s just an endless cycle of delusion. Tatiana DelToro would still be here, and that just goes against nature. Point is, out of the six people in this picture, only one isn’t a total loser.

Jamie says that music is everything. “It’s truly the soundtrack to our lives.” I think that was an iPod commercial, which is good cuz we almost went five seconds without having something plugged. We get a shot of the gnarly tatt on the back of Jamie’s head. Damn boy, if you’re gonna go through all that pain I’d think you’d try to do better than a cheap ass sorority girl tramp stamp.

I wonder how many frat guys have smacked him on the head with their Johnsons.

Jamie’s come prepared with a bag full of cliches. “Elevate it!” “Up the ante!” “Big songs/big tasks!” And that’s before he coached the contestants. He brought t-shirts. One says CONTESTANT and the other says ARTIST. He’s gonna decide which one the kids get after they sing. America wants artists, dammit! Tink asks him whether or not people want the contestant shirt, and Jaime doesn’t seem to know the answer. I forgot what a dumbass he is. I love it. I hope he has a shirt that says “Why lie I need a beer?” so OrganiJ doesn’t feel like a square peg.

Uuuummmmm….you’re kidding right?

Lee’s up first with “Kiss From a Rose”. Jamie introduces himself as Rose.

It’s only gay if you swallow.

Lee looks scared, but that’s always how he looks. Jamie looks sweaty already. Unless you brought enough for the class, put down the meth Jams!

Dude. You’ve got a tramp stamp on your head.

Lee sings the song in Jamie’s face and blushes. Don’t worry, kid! He did this in your face thing to Danny Gokey, too! I think he was the one who first introduced Gokey to meth cuz they both talk a lot about nothing and sweat. I forgot what I was supposed to be talking about, but Lee won himself an artist shirt! He’s like um it’s not plaid I don’t want it thanks anyway.

Wait. I think this is misspelled.

Lee starts off key. Yikes. I worry a little bit about all the fals notes in this one, cuz Lee really only growls. Sure enough, he reaches up and sounds like he has laryngitis. But who knows? Lots of sicknesses sound great on the radio.

Chlamydia

Hepatitis C

Myopia

It’s a carbon copy of the original, but with way more off key notes. And I’m not just being a bitch. It’s ridic. Of course, the judges won’t say that. Do you guys remember when Ana Ferris played Cameron Diaz trying to sing karaoke in Lost in Translation? It sounded like this. I just figured I’d throw in a movie reference cuz it’s movie night and all. In his defense, Jamie probably scared the on key out of him.

Randy says the song was boring and copycat. Jamie laughs nervously like it’s his fault. Ellen agrees that more could be done with the song but he was still good. Jamie gets some confidence back, like maybe I didn’t do so bad after all!

Skara says that Lee did so well last weeeeek! WAAAH! Skara tells everyone they were good last week, but you know what? No matter what night you say it, last week sucked, Skar! The audience finds her commentary useless too, so they scream about loving Lee during it. She has learned to not get offended at the screamers and instead pretends they are telling her that her nude photo shoot inspired their moms to wear more clothes.

Thanks! No boundaries, k?

Skara talks about how difficult that song was. LOL. FOR HIM. She also says he was out of tune, which I can’t believe, but she knows she’s losing the crowd and says he’s soooo greeeeat! Hey I don’t care how shitty that performance was, turns out Lee’s related to the Hints from Heloise lady!

Simon says there are so many brilliant movie songs that this one was really ridonkydonk. Hey, how bout Annie? I would totally buy Lee singing “dumb dog why are you following me?” Simon says he should be in a contestant shirt. Too late! Lee said he felt good about it. But did you have fuuuuuun?!? He stutters a lot and says in a long way that he liked it so when he came across it he liked it and decided that he’d sing it cuz he liked it. Then he smiles real big.

Green Mile is next. Poor guy can’t find clothes to fit him. Big people should have just as many opportunities to dress like douchebags as smaller people.

Green Mile says that he feels pressure. Yeah, it’s called the pleather wrap you’re shoved into. He says that his personal goal a year ago was to get into the top three, so he just has one more week to get to safety! So that was his goal a year ago? I wonder how he reacted when he found out he knocked up his wife. There was probably lots of broken furniture in that studio apartment that weekend. “BUT I’M GONNA BE ON TV NEXT YEAR BIATCH!”

He’s singing “Will You be There?” He’s all nervous in front of Jamie, and Jamie says it’s because he feels like he shouldn’t be there. LOL yeah Green Mile totally suffers from insecurity. Jamie hasn’t been watching this season at all. Like the rest of the country.

Jamie wants to loosen the big guy up so he dances with him and it’s AWESOME. Green Mile does a hip grind thing that I have to rewind a few times. It never gets old.

Great. Now we’re all uncomfortable.

Jamie tries to give Green Mile a Contestant shirt for not knowing the lyrics and Green Mile tells him to shove it up his cornhole and then snaps his neck. Woops. He says that he may be a wreck right now but he’s gonna kick ass tonight! Mmhmm. Jamie says Green Mile needs to let go. And feel it? Green Mile is off key on his first note and looks like he’s trying to find the cue card.

Man, white backup singers are shit out of luck this season.

Just please don’t make us all walk back up.

Then his voice kicks in and he souls it up. I love this song, and he can sing his ass off, so it’s hard for me to rag on it too much. It’s definitely one of his most awkward performances. I’m not used to him being visibly insecure. He misses a few riffs and can’t seem to stay on pitch, which is also new for him. What happened to Green Mile this week? Jamie did something. Luckily, by the end of the song, Green Mile is totally turned on by himself again.

Randy says the song is great but the performance wasn’t. Ellen loves choirs and compliments him for singing a song from Free Willy. LOL. She thinks he should have a goal of winning and not being third and she expected more from him. Skara talks about how good he was in other weeks. Skara has the rosiest memory I’ve ever seen. Simon asks what Free Willy is and says it doesn’t make sense. Skara tries to explain that the song isn’t about a whale and Simon says that it must be about a willy then. HAHA. Then he turns around and starts complimenting Green Mile for making an effort. Tink tries to goad Ellen into doing a Dory performance, but she refuses. Boooooo!

The first duet is “Falling Slowly” with OrganiJoplin and Lee and no spanx. I guess that would have been a trio.

They’re doing an Up Where We Belong hillbilly version of the song and staring deeply into each other’s eyes. I wonder what they’re thinking right now.

I wonder if he’s got loose change in his pockets.

Winter green isn’t that different in wall color than it is in gum color.

They sound great together, and I’m loving this version. OrganiJ is screaming again, so the judges all have boners right now. That was perty. This girl’s underarms are thrilled!

Randy’s all hubba woot yeehaw blah unbelievable dogness. Ellen says they’re like the new Captain and Tenille and it was great. I love that she’s not even making any effort to say anything constructive any more. Skara compliments them, but she’s still whining so it sounds as disappointing as everything else she’s said so far. She looks like a pilgrim lawyer.

Simon says it wasn’t good, it was fantastic! He can’t believe it’s not butter! Tink asks what it was like staring into each other’s eyes, and Lee says all he could think was “she has eye boogars.” OrganiJ has a musical crush on Lee. I hope you get some musical condoms. And take a musical shower while you’re at it.

Jamie Foxx has made it in this town for lots of reasons. But mainly this one:

Dang!

Casey Prettiness is singing “Mrs. Robinson.” REALLY?!?! Kara just wet herself. You know she’s gonna take this as permission to flat out molest him tonight. She’s gonna sit on his face before he can get to the second verse.

Jamie wants Pretty to seduce him and says that if you can concentrate with Jamie staring into your eyes, you’re a true ARTIST. The best thing about Jamie is that he’s never kidding. Pretty does as he’s told and gets an artist shirt.

He sits on the edge of the stage with a little girl’s ukalaili and little girl’s jacket made out of Ariel. He does it in the style of that Over the Rainbow redo, and it’s pretty good at first, if a little mellow. He warbles off pitch in the second verse, but gets back on quickly. His voice is great, but god what a boring rendition of this song. He needs someone to light a fire under his ass. Or to his soul patch, which now looks like an unscaped half of a vagina.

You’ve got a little Skara on your face.

He tries to squeeze out some salties. This song always makes me picture Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft naked, so I kinda cry too. Bill Clinton’s all about older snatch.

I approve of this message.

Randy asks why he chose the song and everyone laughs. Randy immediately calls out Skara. LOL! DUH! What the hell was he thinking? Randy says his voice was ok but not exciting. Except for the openly flirting with Skara part. Ellen says that he should get a big boy guitar. HAHAHAHAH! She liked that he changed it up and now she’ll turn it over to Mrs. Robinson. HA! Skara says that he’s fighting to stay in the competition. Everyone clears their throats. Skara says the film is about an older woman going after a young willy. Wow.

Simon doesn’t think that the song had substance and seemed lazy. At the end of the day, WTF was he thinking?!? Jamie feels like a total asshole for leading the kids down this path.

I fucked with them real good. I get an ARTIST shirt.

Pretty looks pissed that he wasted his aqua jacket on this. OrganiJ is next up with a song from Caddyshack. Darn. I was hoping for Marmaduke.

What I wasn’t hoping for was a closeup of her knee bruise.

OrganiJ says that Caddyshack is a great film and the song should lighten the mood. The judges have been rough on her the past couple of weeks, but she’s alright. Glad you approve. Jamie points in the center of her face and says “ooh! Dat! You do that, you fo real!” Or something. That everyone seems totally confused tonight is not really a surprise. He can’t string a sentence together. Thankfully, he’s hung like Donkey Kong.

He gives her an Artist shirt. Kenny Loggins is at home totally psyched right now. That’s the first time one of his songs has won a cheap ass t-shirt. Green Mile’s the only one who got a contestant shirt! Ouch. OrganiJ changes this song up and it kicks ass. I wasn’t the biggest fan of her at first, but she’s been killing the past few weeks. The only interesting one left. I’m even getting used to her mange. She came ready to fight this week, and by fight I mean scream. And scream she does. By the end she’s a little hoarse, but who can blame her? And you guys, she deserves better than this jackass.

Just. Wow.

Randy says it wasn’t his fave of hers but at least she wasn’t lame like everyone else. Ellen says that performance got Crystalized. Head slap. Skara says “ARTIST! ARTIST!” and Simon says that OrganiJ is back in the game. Tink makes fun of hick ass boyfriend’s pants, but he doesn’t take a match to them because it’s still against the law to deface the American flag.

One more duet! Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? Um, no. What’s your point? Pretty starts it off, and he’s giving it his all. I have a feeling he chose this song, cuz it’s from Don Juan DeMarco, which was about Johnny Depp telling a shrink all these stories that inspired the shrink to go home and bang his wife more, who is an older woman. What has Skara done to poor Pretty? Green Mile is downright uncomfortable.

GM outsings Pretty, and they don’t blend at all. I guess that’s not the point, right? Pretty tries to harmonize with GM, but he can’t quite get there. They both go for a couple high notes together and bone them both. Meh. Is this over yet? How many times do we need to realize Crystal’s gonna win? My friend A is here and just said Green Mile and Pretty are the new Diana Ross and Lionel Richie. Bwahahahahahah.

These signs are always so literal. Is Pretty literally a mover? Cuz I could use some rearranging in my apartment.

Randy loved Pretty’s guitar playing even if it took Green Mile’s vocals to save the song. Ell says “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” She’s gay? Can’t tell. I thought she wanted to look like a young Orville Redenbacher cuz it would fetch her the most giant penis in the land. Skara says that the duets were both incredible and Simon says that all the artist t-shirts should go to the duets. Or the band.

See you tomorrow for results!