American Idol: Audition a New Shtick, Please

Hello Gasmii!  Normally I prefer the early audition episodes of American Idol when everyone sucks it hard, but was too busy at work to recap something earlier than this two-hour extravaganza. And really it was just the same 10 minutes over and over again to fill up two hours.  These guys have GOT to get a better joke to play on contestants.

Down the va-jay-jay of Idol.  Or maybe it’s Ryan’s?

In this episode, they reveal the final 19 contestants who will be part of the 24 semifinalists.  That seems like an odd number to start at…did they do the first five in the last episode, get tired and say, “Let’s just do the next 19 tomorrow?”

The night before, Jennifer had to break the bad news to guy with girl in wheelchair fiancée and it was too much for her.  She broke down crying saying she “didn’t want to do this anymore.”  Doesn’t she crush the dreams of her assistants every day with that white-on-white-on-white request she makes everywhere she goes?

I still can’t believe Simon’s gone!

“Will Jennifer find the strength to go on?”  the announcer says.  Maybe they should have gotten Celine Dion, she knows her heart goes on.

“Welcome back to the final judgment, where production has come to a halt,” the announcer says.  She had to give the wheelchair fiancée guy bad news, “and soon began to question everything.”  Really?  She began to question everything?  Did she question her contract?  Because I’m guessing she’s staying.

J-Lo gets her makeup reapplied and the show goes on.  Crisis averted!  First up on this episode is Karen who says J-Lo is her inspiration.  She also sucked up by singing a J-Lo song and a Selena song, sort of the way people used to sing “Unchained Melody” to Simon all the damn time.  On the upside, her voice is golden.

You could be a Salma Hayek impersonator if you don’t get picked.

Karen walks down the birth canal of runway lights to meet with the judges in the Star Chamber.  J-Lo tells her she’s been a fan of Karen’s for a long time but their concern as judges was that she sort of disappeared during the competition, then rose back up like it was Easter in Rome.  She’s in the top 24!  Hugs all around!

Next up is seventeen year old Robbie who spent a lot of his childhood in a wheelchair.  What is it with wheelchairs this season, are they the teen moms of 2011?  Down the birth canal he goes to sit in front of the tribunal.

Thanks for f#cking with me and taking years off my life.

Steven Tyler begins and…are there rubber bands in his hair?  Some things never change.  He says Robbie sang his ass off and he was sure….(pregnant pause)…that you made it through!  YAY!

Excuse me, Steven, can I borrow a paperclip from your hair?

Tatynisa came from Milwaukee but had a hard time as the number of contestants dwindled…she forgot the words and asked to start over.  J-Lo lets her but we all know Simon would have booted her ass right back to Wisconsin.  Randy asks if she really wants this, which is such a dumb question.  She says she wants this more than anything in her life.  Well duh.

You could also use a quick trip to the groomer.

Tatynisa says being onstage gives her a natural high and she needs it baaad.  And my first thought it, that sounds like she wants to be famous, not necessarily be a singer, you know?  If she said, “My passion is singing and I want to share that,” that probably would have been better.  And I totally would have called her out for that bullshit too, so nevermind.

And if you don’t let me into the Top 24, I will use these hands to strangle the lot of you!

Randy tells her she took a “nosedive” during Hollywood week and they make her cry.  J-Lo tells her it’s about not having a bad day, you have to be your best ALL THE TIME.  Steve says, “Congratulations!”  God, way to f#ck with her emotions you asses!

Now we do a montage of losers to the lyrics, “I’m coming home…I’m coming home…” More like going home, but I think we all get the point.  Brittany from San Francisco is out, Jimmy from Nashville is out and they both say it was a learning experience and they’ll keep going.  Because they have to say that.

Tim from L.A. is up next and he totally flirted with J-Lo during his initial audition.  She challenged him to find his own voice and he sings his own song, always risky.  Given that he’s not part of a loser montage, I’m guessing he’s in.

Steven tells him he’s been up and down so what’s up?  He says doing his own thing made him feel like he showed them who he really was.  J-Lo says she was always a fan and that he got stronger throughout the competition.  Steve says they were a little worried in the middle…”I’m sorry to tell ya…” and it goes black.  Tim walks through the door to the holding room and he’s IN!  Wow, that joke is not going to get old, not at all for any of us ever, EVER.

Betty Boop is up next, going by the name Julie.  Originally from Colombia, she recounts the tale of her parents leaving the violence of their country to make a better future for their family.  J-Lo called her out as the winner of the entire competition at her first audition.

Nothing says mature like lots and lots of tulle.

Julie has chosen a very unfortunate outfit – a little too short and tulle-ish and here comes her ass as she sits.  Awwwkward.  J-Lo starts in with the whole story of how some people are good, some are bad, and you know all Julie is hearing is BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH because she just wants to hear if she’s in or out.  BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH J-Lo pauses dramatically, shakes her head, and JULIE IS IN!  GREAT JOKE.

I’m sorry, I can’t get Paula’s voice out of my head!

Next down the va-jay-jay of lights is Scotty from Milwaukee.  They show him not sticking up for some kid during hell week, then he forgot the lyrics which again would have caused Simon to kick him out.  His lyrics include the phrase “nuts of wonder” which would be a totally cool band name.  He sings one last song and it’s kind of Johnny Cash-ish and although his voice is good, this is a pretty specific sound.  You’re either in or out.  Hope they screw with him before they let him into the top 24.

Randy says there were highs and lows and he apologizes for not standing up for that one kid…”I wasn’t the man I should have been,” he says.  Yeah, the decision has been made, saying what they want to hear isn’t going to make a difference.  And they’ve decided he’s going to the top 24!

I know Ryan is there, but why is he being so behind-the-scenes?

“Unfortunately, there’s not room for two,” the voiceover says, and guy with cowboy hat, John Wayne something, is gone. Ryan is really going to miss him.  Ahem.

Giovanni is up next.  Yay Goodfellas!  Ryan takes the tags off his clothes, then mentally undresses him.  Giovanni got through in his initial interview showing his abs – after getting his golden ticket.  Well, I’ll give him that.  At least he teased J-Lo after winning her over with talent.

Can I interest you in some life insurance?  How about some on Steven?  Because…you know.

Giovanni sits and at first I thought he was going tell them his vig had increased and they owed him big.  J-Lo starts the whole thing about how many people are going home today, even people who don’t deserve it.  “But luckily that doesn’t matter for you because you’re going on!”  Jerks.

“No more shipyard for me!” he yells. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t quit until you sign that first contract and start touring with Kelli Pickler, m’kay pumpkin?

WEEEEEEEE!

Walk of lights continues with large-voiced and large-haired Lauren who auditioned in New Orleans.  Hollywood week was up and down for her and things were questionable…pauuuuussssseeeee…”You made it!”  She cries, mostly from the stress of being jerked around by these three.

Tiwan from Milwaukee and Erin from New Orleans are both cut in short and sweet segments.  “I don’t want to drag it out for you,” J-Lo says to Tiwan.  Yes, but be sure to drag it out for the winners.  Erin whines, “Back to reality because this was nothin’ but a dream.”  And out the door she goes.

Well, at least it’s the most fabulous walk of shame ever.

Black Dahlia meets Olive Oyl is up next.  Seriously, what is up with the costume?  You know how you are supposed to turn your back to the mirror, turn around quickly and the first thing you see you should take off?  She has like 6 of those things to remove.

Stiff as a board, light as a feather…I forget the rest!

The long walk down the aisle of light, Rachel says both her mom and grandmother are with her, and we see footage of her grandmother hitting on Ryan, asking him if he’s lost weight.  Ryan asks if she has plans later.  Yes, she’s knitting you a cardigan.  Rachel cries thinking of disappointing her family.  Yes, I’m sure they will disown you if Steven Tyler turns you down.

Randy likes the feathers on her shoes.  Don’t encourage this, Randy!  They give her the we’re not sure/ups-and-downs discussion.  They should have just put it on audio tape and saved their voices.  J-Lo has been a fan of hers “for many years” (she was on season 6) and has been rooting for her.  She said she didn’t always see Rachel’s spark because she needed to be sincere, not thinking of what the audience wanted.

Is that turkey jerky in his hair?

Steven begins the mind-f#cking by saying, “That’s why it’s hard for us…we’re really sorry to have to say…” Rachel starts to cry…”that you’re coming through!”  Rachel is shocked.  When that shock wears off, she’s going to want to beat Steven like the bitch he is for doing this to her.  Seriously, this is just mental abuse.  But as the Fox News division goes, so does Fox Entertainment, right?

Kendra is up next, making that long walk to the tribunal and OH MY GOD is Steven wearing reading glasses that is TOTALLY COOL!  Heh.  That is going to crack me up for the rest of the day.  Steve says they are a little concerned…Randy says it’s amazing to get this far…Steven says all the way through she’s done the right thing…then we cut to her coming back to the holding room and playing the same mind-f#ck joke on Ryan, acting like she didn’t win when she’s IN.  Ryan even says, “Why are you playing their joke on us?”  Because it’s just that irritating!

If I dated girls, I would totally ask you out.  (You know, it occurs to me that caption works in either direction, doesn’t it?)

Jordan is a bit of a playa and was a guy who did his own auditions for the group sing…well, given the mess most of those groups become, I don’t blame him.  The judges are extra hard on him because he is so good.

J-Lo says she was a Fan Since the Beginning™ and loves his voice.  He defends his auditions for the group and says, yes, maybe some people felt dissed, but deep down he doesn’t give a shit…and neither would Simon.  J-Lo says look, there’s only 24 spots, so a bunch of people are going home today.  “But luckily for you that’s not the case™.”  Thanks, American Idol, you are making recapping really easy, it’s just copy/paste, copy/paste.

Lauren from Nashville is seen in her audition where Randy says she’s the one and Vegas where she gave Steven a lap dance.  In Hollywood, “things took a turn for the worse!”  Nerves and pressure caused her to suck it bad.  J-Lo says it just didn’t work for her.  Her last performance, however, she found her sea legs and kicked some ass.

Seriously.  This is what you’re wearing to hear your destiny?

What is up with the cupcake skirts?  She is wearing a Toddlers & Tiaras confection and J-Lo wants to know about the dress.  They made it special for her along with the cowboy boots. She says she’s kinda freakin’ out.  Steven says they fell in love with her the first time they heard her voice.  J-Lo gives her the “being tough” speech…Steven says he’s not sure how she’s going to be able to handle it…in the big time…since YOU’RE GOING THROUGH!  “You’re mean!” Lauren says.  You’re dicks, is more like it.  Poor kid, she’s only 16 and you probably aged her 10 years doing that.

You’re absolutely sure now, right?

Next up is Stefano, who sings his own song, called “Come Home” which goes like this, “Come home, baby, baby, baby come home…come home…come home….come home….” He might as well be Choppin’ Broccoli.  They hate having to send someone home, and at the end of the day…”We’d love to have you as one of our top 24,” J-Lo says.  You know, she really is from the block.

I just saw a My Strange Addiction episode with one of these gynoids!  I had no idea they could become self-aware!

Jackie in Nashville is shown being very loud in her audition but she screwed up by forgetting the lyrics in Hollywood.  Why is she still here?  Why must America continue to lower its standards, even on reality TV?  J-Lo explains to her that there were ups and down and she started out strong but fizzled out…and you can see Jackie’s thinking they are just screwing with her until J-Lo says she didn’t make it this time.  Jackie asks why and they said she was inconsistent and that she lost her confidence.  “There’s no way to change your minds?” she asks.  Tenacious, that one.  Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Jacob is next and he has a very high-pitched wail that got him a standing ovation from the judges.  Strong and very smooth voice.  He looks so eager in front of the judges and Randy says his performance of “God Bless the Child” was the best in American Idol history.  Cutting to the chase, he’s in!  He wails and Ryan can hear him all the way down at the end of the birth canal.  He runs through aisle dancing and twitching and jumping for joy – don’t break Ryan!  Okay, maybe a little…

I bet Ryan taught him this move.

Ryan is back in the holding room with the stragglers and he says the energy is much lower because they all know they are at the bottom of the barrel.  He doesn’t say that, but it’s implied.

Hello losers.

Pia from the New Jersey auditions is up next for her emotional torture.  She’s totally hot, great bod, great voice and real talent.  So I’m guessing they are going to waterboard her for a few minutes before letting her move on.

She gets in front of the group and immediately chokes up. God, the stress these poor kids must be under!  J-Lo keeps it short and sweet then pauses dramatically for hours before saying she made it into the top 24.  YAY!  She shakes everyone’s hands and she’s off.  J-Lo calls her awesome.  I’ll second that, she’s very classy.

James is the next victim and tells the story about how he was diagnosed with Tourrette syndrome and Asperger’s, a condition made more known and somewhat cooler by the character Abed on Community.  I actually have a version of Tourrette, normally when I don’t get my way.  Some people just call me foul-mouthed Irish girl which is actually the truth.  If James Lipton ever asks me for my favorite curse word, he’s in for a long night of discussion.

At least we know where James Van Der Beek is now.

The fact this kid made it to the top 40 is amazing and he really showed his control during his last song in Hollywood.  However, he seems more loud than on-key, but the judges seemed to like it.  He sort of has an Axl Rose thing going in the voice, doesn’t he?

Steven says he nailed it and they are going to get right to the point.  He says he’s going far – welcome to the 24!  And American Idol starts playing “Sweet Emotion” in the background.  Probably because Steven needs the royalties.

Down to the wire!  It’s 9:30pm and I’m thinking they could have done this much quicker via registered mail.

 

Maybe I should have dyed my hair Simply Black for drama.

Casey, a.k.a. Zach Galifianakis, is ready to learn his fate.  He sailed through his original audition, Vegas, and Hollywood.  He says he wanted to prove people “like him” can be sexy.  He played bass and sang a good blues-like song, but he still looked Amish. I think it’s the beard.

He dressed in his best schlub to impress the judges and tells them, “I like looking at you guys.”  I hope he means right now and not through some kind of peephole.

Randy tells him they have never had a musician as talented as he is.  What about Paula Abdul?  So of course he’s in the top 24.  He celebrates rocker-style by throwing his unsuspecting chair off the tribunal stage.  They ask him not to trash the hotel rooms, you know, because they won’t get their deposit back.  J-Lo asks if someone from the crew can put the chair back.  Rude!  He just left it behind.

 

If only he put as much energy in dressing as he does in pounding his leg.

One spot left for the two girls still waiting.  They have to go in together.  Jessica calls Ryan her “undertaker,” which…gross.  Thia is 15 and auditioned back in Milwaukee.  She got yelled at by one of the coaches during the auditions and it must have scared her straight, because she did better and better.  Unfortunately, she sings that damn song about being raised up by Josh Groban.  Painful no matter how well it is sung.

Jessica from New Jersey is a hot little number with long legs, short skirt and beautiful face.  Steven says, “Your voice…forget about it,” he’s so impressed.

The girls walk down the birth canal holding hands and Jessica says it’s her birthday so she’ll feel worse if they cut her.  Yeah, that’s not really going to work, playing the birthday card.  She tells them she’s a “quarter of a century” old which probably confused Steven for a couple of minutes.  Who talks like that?

Thia stays quiet which is the best move.  J-Lo reminds them there’s only one slot left so someone has to go home and it’s clear that Jessica thinks she has it in the bag.  Randy says they can both come back next year and Jessica pipes up that this is her 7^th time and this was the point where she got cut last year.  Hope she likes re-runs.

J-Lo gives the heartbreaking news:  Thia stays and Jessica just got bested by someone 10 years her junior.  Ouch.  See ya next year, although as my dad said, if after 7 tries you haven’t made it, perhaps you should consider another career option.  Crabby Daddy is right.

 

Hmmm…gawky teen or hot 25 year old?  Simon never would have f#cked this up.

“Getting cut on my birthday is evil,” Jessica spats.  Oh, this one ain’t going down gracefully, is she?  Excellent!  “For the next few birthdays, I’m gonna think aw crap, I got cut.  Awesome.  And I turned 25.  Awesome.  So yeah.  They ruined my birthday.  You know what I have to say to that?”  And she double flips-off the camera.

 

Klassy!  I’m sure this won’t come back to haunt you.

“Yeah,” she says, still holding up her hands and middle fingers.  “You guys know you deserve it…you can’t see what it is…probably got American Idol bubbles around my fingers…but you guys ruined my birthday.  I love ya, but c’mon!”  Klassy!  Way to make Jersey look good, Snooki 2.0.  And don’t bother coming back next year, because editors never forget and they will sure as shit show the judges this footage before your audition.

Now down to the guys…it’s down to Stand by Me, Simply Red and Flock of Seagulls.  Ryan teases them and Simply Red tells him there are two more spots and Ryan says no there’s only one more and they go back and forth for awhile and it’s really not interesting.

The three guys walk down the birth canal together and Simply Red makes them all hold hands.  Stand by Me was left behind on group day and Simply Red took him in no questions asked.  However, Stand by Me sounds like the Vienna Boys Choir and it’s quite possible his voice is going to Peter Brady itself during the show, which as we all know would suck.

 

Worst boy band ever.

Now I really thought Flock of Seagulls was going to make it, his voice was great and he seemed talented on the piano.  Randy gives them “this was the toughest decision” spiel and J-Lo is feeling sad but grateful this day is almost over.

J-Lo gives them the song and dance about how they can all come back to audition again someday if they don’t make it.  Randy tells them that the person going forward is Simply Red, which totally surprised me.  Everyone hugs and J-Lo holds her hands to her face.  The judges all hug each young man, the young men hug and J-Lo really hugs and hangs onto Stand by Me and he starts to cry.  She tells him she heard magic in his voice and that is really cool.  Plus he got to press up against her magnificent boobies.

Then Simply Red says the stupidest thing that only someone who made it would say.  “It doesn’t matter who made it,” he begins, and I’m sure the two going home would disagree and probably want to punch you in the nads, “because we’re all shining stars.” And as he says that Flock of Seagulls cracks up because it’s so corny.

 

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!

“And that is the final judgment,” Ryan says.  Next episode, the guys compete in hand-to-hand combat to see who moves on. Or they might just sing.  I usually stop watching the show when everyone gets good.