American Idol: Barf-o-Rama!

Hello Gasmi! It’s bBitz and I’m back to recap the greatest show… on Fox… during the 8pm time slot… on a Thursday… THIS is… AMERICAN IDOL – HOLLYWOOD! It’s been awhile since I’ve done a recap (RHONYC took years off my life) so I’ll try to see if I can still keep it as snarky as ever.

3…2…1….aaaaand bitch takes a header off the stage:

I’m pretty sure they bleeped Steven for saying, “While you’re down there, would you mind…” Also, kudos to J-Ho’s “OMG! Did you see that?! I almost got blood on my outfit!” look.

Great. And Nigel’s the first on the scene. He’s going to stand on her throat until the camera’s can get a good kill-shot.

J-Ho says, “And that was the prettiest sound I heard all day.” I’m almost positive she meant the sound of the girl’s head smacking the stage on the way down.

Because if the answer is anything since last Tuesday – you don’t belong in Hollywood. Get your fat ass on a bus NOW.

My favorite is one of the PA’s asking, “Does anyone have a Coke for her?!?” Best. Product. Placement. EVER. “ONLY COKE CAN SAVE HER!!! NO – NOT IN A PLAIN GLASS!!! BRING IT BACK IN A COCA-COLA CUP! SHE CAN WAIT! JESUS!”
Luckily everyone backstage performs a prayer circle to help the situation:

“Dear Baby Jesus, Please don’t take this young girl’s life. But if she can sing better than us, maybe let the bitch die and get her off our stage. xo, Your American Idols”.

Luckily Steven stays put in his chair. I’m sure he’s thinking, “Welcome to Hollywood. If I had a nickel for every time I fell offstage, well, then… ummm… banana.”

Then we start finding out who’s making the cut! Like Ethan – the boy with the dad with the alcohol problem. He calls to tell his Dad he loves him:

Maybe don’t put Dad on speakerphone next time.

Jeremy and Nico make it but Lauren and Ethan don’t. Yikes. Protect your face when you get home Ethan.

All in all – 150 hopefuls made it! Like this guy:

You may defy gravity – but not size-appropriate clothing.

Witness this. The only time “American Idol” did something good for society.

Next up – it’s my fav… GROUP ROUND! Drama says what?!

You’re probably wanna get her something a lil’ nicer if she’s visiting you in jail – with your kid no less.

One of the producers comes out and drops the bomb that groups must be formed from Day One contestants and Day Two contestants. So the people that had already formed groups now have to scramble to find new partners.

Most people quickly find group members but of course there’s always a few that get to relive the whole “4th grade gym class picked last” ordeal. Like Amy, who lives in a tent and now (according to the tasteless-as-ever) is still homeless as she can’t find a group. AND the poor girl has the flu. So everyone’s literally avoiding her like the plague. While other groups are already beginning rehearsal, she…

WAIT!! That’s not a toilet! NOOOOO!!!!

Time for commercials! Speaking of being ill…

I can’t wait for this shit to be over. Gaunt vampires and teen-angst girls that can’t act. Ugh. I hope Taylor eats them both while shirtless.

back from commercial – Ryan tells us that Group night has erupted in CHAOS. So clearly I’m thinking it’s this:

And it’s really this:

“Ummm… like…no.”

“Nobody likes him either!” Maybe work on your people skills.

BUT NOT WITH HER! I’d suggest free-basing antibiotics immediately.

While Team Cop/Plague/WT tries to find another member, other groups are already learning their routines…

At least this girl’s figured out how to get Steven’s vote.

Team Cop/Plague/WT then meats Team “Hooked on a Feeling” and they’re trying to override Cop Girl’s song choice of “Joy to the World”. Finally her group ends up ditching her and she goes off on her own. Not so much joy in this world. ZING! I had to.

While Cop-Drama freaks out that no one will do HER song, other group are well on their way to perfecting their songs:

And, yet again, how to please Steven… and Randy. Eiffel Tower! If I have to explain, be thankful you don’t know what I mean.

Meanwhile, Cop-Drama is STILL looking for a group and keeps starting out by asking people if they like Cops. Wow. Way to sell yourself. Why don’t you start by asking them if they like to breathe and then punch them in the throat? Surprisingly she finally suckers a group into taking her in. Mostly because they’re scared – and they have to.

Across the way, Brielle is “baw-sin” around her group while her mother stands 5 feet away trying not to be a “stage mother”:

“SING OUT LOUISE!!!”

Oh look – Symone’s back from the hospital after getting checked out because of her fall off the stage…

AHHHHH!!! OH MY GOD!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER?! GET HER ANOTHER COKE!!!!

Apparently the problem was that she needs to eat and drink. So, ya know, basic human survival. She should do just swell in this competition. Symone then scrambles to find a group to join. I mean, who wouldn’t want the human Titanic in their group? Amazingly enough she finds a group.
Meanwhile, Amy (Walking Plague) and her group are worried because she’s getting sicker and she already infected another girl.

What the hell’s she looking for? Scott McCreery’s talent? (Yeah I said it.)

Self-named Team MIT (it stands for something to about them being international – ya know – because they’re different colors – so clearly they’re from different countries) is hitting heads over their presentation. Cowboy is trying to teach them Music Theory, box steps and salsa. How could THAT go wrong?!

Just to be clear, the producers added the sound of gunshots to the back left kid’s motions of shooting himself. Oh American Idol. Always willing to lower yourself to the lowest common denominator for entertainment purposes.

And to top if off, Ryan describes their argument of East (Asian kid) versus West (Cowboy). Classy. I look forward to a North Vs. South comment when Steven and Randy get into an argument.

Commercial time!

Wait. I thought Kim Kardashian already got married.

We’re back! It’s midnight before group performance day and some teams are still practicing while others are calling it quits for the night.

Team Cop Drama / Plague is having troubles now because they’re only male member has gone stiff (get it!?!). Christian has caught the “Idol Bug” – and not the Steven Tyler-kind that you can cure with an antibiotic shot to the ass. He says, “The more I puke, the better I feel.” I’ve never heard a better tag line for “American Idol”.

But alas, Christian pulls through and shows up again to rehearse! One of his team mates runs up to greet him and.…

OH GOD! SOMEONE GET HIM A COKE!!!

Back with “Patient Zero”, Amy is beating the bug with the help of Jesus. Which makes sense. War, famine, the Republican Primaries – Jesus is totally gonna take time out to make sure some girl on American Idol doesn’t blow chunks instead of her audition. Jesus sure knows how to prioritize.

Group “MIT” – consisting of the Asian guy and Cowboy, is still not doing well. Asian guy is pissed because his friends are going to watch it and he’s worried Cowboy is going to make him look like an asshole.

I’m pretty sure you’ve already cornered the market on that one.

Cowboy talks about democracy and ideas being shared and then ends with, “We’re going to do this my way, and that’s it.” Ladies and gentleman, your candidate for US President in 2020.

Let’s check in with “The Betty’s”! One of them says, “We’re like 20 years old – we stay up until 2am all of the time!” OMG! Totally! You know who else stays up all night? Parents of newborns and sick kids. Ya know the difference? They have to work in the morning and you have to eat Lucky Charms and show up late to class and cry about it. So shut it.

Of course she then bursts out in tears as the rest of her teammates peace out and go to bed. I can’t understand her though since I don’t speak fluent Drama.

Not much worse. There’s literally nothing in your life that will be worse than an American Idol audition. Life is easy street after this kiddo. Hang in there! PS – Just kidding. Give up now.

Luckily one of her team members defies the rest of the group and comes back to dance and sing the night away. They practice the dance moves and lyrics – all in the hopes of standing out amongst the other fuckers that are in bed snoozing away. After all of these years, I’d like to see a study done on the success rate of contestants that sleep before group night and don’t sleep before group night. I’m sure there’s room in the national budget for such a study.

It’s actually quite refreshing to see these two girls work together and help each other nail the routine. Gives you hope. Until of course they tear each other down in a fight to the top.

Morning comes and groups all frantically rehearse in the hopes of pulling it all together.

And who’s up first?! THE BETTYS! EEEEK! Our “stay-up-all-night” girl takes the stage, opens her mouth and…uh oh… she’s heading for the edge of the stage! There she goes!!! Nooo!!!!

ZZzzzzzzzzzz….

Kidding! BUT we really don’t get to see what happens because OF COURSE it’s a cliffhanger! Ugh. Dammit. I hate this show and now I have to watch the next episode. You win this round Ryan Seacrest!

So what did everyone think?!? Do any of these groups have a chance? Are you Team East or Team West? Team Lullabye or Team Red Eye? Will someone finally answer are our prayers and spew pea soup all over J-Lo? Shout it out! And thanks for reading and commenting!