American Idol: Blue Mile

As you know, I prefer getting my Idol recaps up the next day. Partly because this show is old news like two hours after it airs, and partly because I like to not have to have it swimming around my brain all week. This one is a bit delayed because I have been in New York all week. I love this city! The smell of pee! Carb shops (giant bagels) on every corner! Getting drunk til four am and not having to drive! HOLLER!

Me and my sister in a few decades. I’m the blonde.

Golden Girl and drag heel bathtub!

Jesus. Could you be a little more specific?

I would show you pics of drunks peeing in the streets and the old black lady beating a horse buggy driver with her cane, but we’re not here for my trip pics. This is my New York office (Starbuccios). And THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL RESULTS!

We open with soft tinkly music.

The Titanic 2: We shouldn’t have thrown Paula overboard.

The story of a girl who can wash half of her hair.

A paint mixer with the personality of plain frozen yogurt.

A pretty guy with an addiction to conditioner.

And a giant trying to make a comeback after Green Mile.

Crystal OrganiJ’s voiceover says “This is what I was born to do! Panhandling was just a hobby. I plan on keeping that up to stay humble.” Lee says “I dream about this every night. And a chunky Mexican with Ugly Betty glasses.” Casey Prettiness says “This is the biggest thing that’s happened to me in my whole life!” Really, Pretty? Bigger than the time you installed that new toilet in your DIY house in the middle of nowhere? WOWEE! Green Mile says “This is a one shot deal for me.” Actually, it’s your second. Shut up and wear a tiny hat I can mock.

I made some t-shirts. One says “I am going to give you advice that will lead to a horrid performance” and the other says “My advice will lead to a mediocre coma inducing performance”.

Again, the rock music and inspirational edits make the performance show look awesome. “Brilliant!” “You’re fighting!” “Best moment of the season!” I wish that they could cut in the comments me and my friend A made during the show. “YOU SUCK!” “That sounded like a baby moose getting kicked in the womb!” “How can you charge people to work them out when you have to buy three plane seats?!?”

This lady looks totally pissed that her gay husband dragged her here.

Tinkercrest comes out and tells us that there were thirty seven million votes last night, which is the highest tally of the season. Seeing as how that’s like fifty million less than any other year, it’s pretty sad. Bon Jovi’s here! He’s still alive? Fantasia’s here! I hope they pass around a collection plate so she can pay the mortgage. Daughtry’s here! I like him, so I will leave him alone. I hope he’s wearing a lot of eyeliner and five inch pumps. Poor guy has Burt Reynolds syndrome. They should really lower the height requirement at Disneyland so the guy can get some confidence. Could you imagine going your whole life without riding Space Mountain at least once?

Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy’s in his Mister Rogers sweater. As if knowing that we will be making fun of that, he gives us a giant “FUCK YOU”.

Ellen’s starting to look like her stand in. Skara shows off her creepy arms.

Simon won’t stop shaking her arm, and she gets pissed. I don’t blame her. She could die of Shaken Cougar Syndrom. It’s a huge problem. Look it up.

Tink tells us that Fantasia has had a hit career, which is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, I bought her albums (well I downloaded them off a torrent site. But I bought the computer that downloaded them. On a credit card that got cancelled cuz I never paid the bill. I forgot my point), but I wouldn’t call her career successful. Hilarious? Yes. Heartbreaking? Yes. Unintelligible? Yes. In other words, YAAAAY FANTASIA!!!

She comes out with a bowl haircut and breathes heavily into the mic. Say what you want about my Tasia. Bitch can SANG. Even if they’re songs that don’t rhyme or make any kind of sense.

A nice satisfying bowl of Fruit Loops.

She’s in some tight ass leather pants. That girl’s been on the stairmaster! Last time she was here she looked like she ate Ronald McDonald. She’s so talented that JHud is willing to do backup for her.

Simon talks through her performance like he’s in a club. Respect the Tasia Simon! In his defense, he might be asking Skara wtf Tasia’s saying. Something about not being over me. Fitting that she’s on this week cuz she really won this thing when she sang Summertime during movie week. She also sang some nasty ass improvised song to Jamie Foxx at Clive Davis’ party. Those two have something sweaty going on. It’s about 5:40 in this video, right after Jamie screams “Don’t be afraid if you chocolate!”

This is why I love Fantasia.

That song is totally about molesting an underage girl, and they totally commit to it. Back to the show. Fantastia is talking about how someone’s gonna get hurt. Jamie, probably. She’ll crush him with those tight leather thighs. She riffs all over the place and doesn’t stop. It’s like another language. I would put it into Google translate if I didn’t think its head might explode. Tink makes fun of her for not putting enough heart into it. LOL. She says that she hasn’t had an album for three years and she wrote a bunch on this one. That explains a lot. Her daughter is nine now and taller than Simon. BWAHAHAHAH. I wish she could compete every season. It would be fun for me, and she does best when she’s struggling. It’s hard to defend my love for Tasia when she sings dumb ass songs like that, so here’s her at the Tony Awards.

And…..sob.

How come Lee looks so angrily confused every time the camera is on him? And why is OrganiJoplin wearing a t-shirt with boob cancer on it?

You should get that checked out.

And now for the Ford ad! Hey! This is the same set as last week, but with Spanish written all over the signs.

Now let’s wait for five minutes while Green Mile tries to shut the door. Poor guy. They should just tow him.

I shaved! This show is changing my life!

The kids travel all over the world in their crappy car and are mocked by all races and creeds. And no matter where they go, Green Mile still can’t fit into that little death box.

Everyone gets to dress up in different country’s wares, but poor Green Mile just gets to stay black and proud. How come he never gets to have any fun? He didn’t get to be a vampire either.

They’re just jealous of your giant tits.

I think that the moral is no matter the country, Fords are busted.

Tink tells us the perks of making it to the final three. You get to make an appearance at an AT&T store! LOL. That’s really high class shit right there. I wonder if halfway through the appearance the call is dropped.

Video of past home visits are as yawny as they were the first time around. I didn’t remember Taylor Hicks getting booed on his home visit. I think someone just threw a Diet Coke can at his head. Wait. That was me! I remember that like it was yesterday.

Green Mile says he wants to get to the final three cuz he wants to go home and see his puppy. His over emotional wife and his whiny brat are making him insane cuz Idol will only pay for one hotel room. Cheap bastards! OrganiJ says that she misses the corner of Hope and Less the most in her town, and she can’t wait to go back there and make her tin can jingle again. Lee says he wants to just sit in his parents’ house without any cameras there. HA. That will never happen again. At least this year. I’m sure by 2012 you will be back there permanently without cameras. Of course I said that about Mandisa too and she’s still a huge star. I haven’t seen her on TV or anything, but you know she’s still huge.

Prettiness says he wants to hear people say “y’all” again. He’s growing a toupee on his lip.

I think that caterpillar took fertility drugs, cuz the cocoon is full of octuplets.

The families of the Top 4 are on stage. Good. I hope we can kick them off one by one. Green Mile’s wife grates on my damn nerves and the dude next to her is wearing a penis shirt. Classy.

Bill Clinton is still here supporting Prettiness, probably cuz he can get Bill the most pussy.

Lee’s mom has that same slanty smile as Lee. Dishrag personalities run in the family.

OrganiJop’s boyfriend grosses me out. He looks like a demon. And he’s not even wearing jogging pants today so I am mad. At least be entertaining, ya hick! I wonder if tonight’s the night he proposes to her onstage. You know it’s coming.

Time for results! Tink reminds us that Ellen’s lesbionic. Green Mile says his duet “spoke to who we are as men.” What did they sing again? Brick House? Fat Health Professionals? I forgot already, so it must have been awesome. A pigeon just pooped on my mousepad. WTF? This city is so gross.

Prettiness is safe!! Sweet! I don’t need to hear him sing more, but you can never have too much good hair on TV. How is he safe? He sucked the most right? Well, Lee did, but you know he’s not going anywhere cuz he’s adorable and chunky at the same time, and that’s like the American dream.

Now, let’s watch Chris Daughtry!

No, this isn’t him, but you had to see this lame mustache or I wouldn’t be doing my job.

Chris looks as tiny and cute as ever. He should really make that mic stand lower to heighten him a bit. He’s really mastered his eyeshadow, mascara and eyebrow penciling over the years.

There have been lots of fauxrocks over the seasons, but this one can sing his ass off. Putting him on the same ep as Prettiness and Lee is just a joke. They don’t hold a candle to him. He will be screaming within one minute. On pitch, natch. Chris has always annoyed me, cuz other than too much makeup and general lack of height, there’s not much to make fun of. Well, except his yell faces. Those never get old.

Hey! That’s my purse! Police!

Hey! I’m poopin glass shards over here!

Hey! He’s inside the house!

He’s like the Incredible Shrinking Mary Kay Lady.

Hey! You kicked my wiener!

How he hasn’t lost his voice yet is beyond me. Nice work! You win! There are a couple children not clapping like seals right now. They’re so getting kicked out of the pit!

Tink asks him what it’s like to play arenas, and Chris says that it’s great. Duh. Hey judges, putting humdrum personality aside, what do you think of Daughtry! Ellen says that she’s super proud of Daughtry. LOL acting like you didn’t just get this job. Randy babbles about nothing, and Chris suggests that the Top 3 stay hungry. Tink makes a Green Mile joke. I’m always hungry and I’m poor as fuck. That advice sucks.

More results! But first, let’s look at this old man outside Starbucks with giant balls that have formed male camel toe! I can’t stop staring.

Skara has Farrah hair today, and she looks really pretty. I want to know what she does to keep so gorgeous. I think it has something to do with underage sperm.

That 70′s Ho

She chides Green Mile again for sucking last night. GM says MJ was effortless, but he’s not. Way to stand up for yourself. Lee has some Aunt Bee hair.

Lee, do you think you were too karaoke last night? No, but yes, but I coulda done more but, I guess but no but yeah I don’t but. Debate team alert! Lee is safe! He’s so excited that he tries to lick himself.

Maybe try yoga or something.

He cries a little. AW!! Either Green Mile or OrganiJ is out! GM knows he’s not beating her, and he doesn’t look happy.

Now I have to potty train that fucking dog.

Oh, Crystal’s shirt is penguins. Cuz female penguins fall in love, get knocked up, panhandle to buy diapers, then finally get a proposal when they’re rich and famous and can buy unlimited tacky pajama pants with American flags on them for their mates. Sweet!

Now let’s welcome an example of what too many drugs and Aqua Net can do to a woman.

And Bon Jovi, too!

You should borrow some Aqua Net from that old lady in your band.

I forget, did Bon Jovi used to be a good singer? Cuz he’s kinda busted now. “Lookin for a hero, but it’s just my old tattoo.” Huh? Who’s gonna save you when stars fall from your sky? Not you, you can’t even comb your damn hair. I wanna be your superman tonight. LOL. I can just imagine him running around in underoos. He seems very nice, but he and that old lady are making me kinda nuts. We have enough shitty modern bands, k? I know he still gets some of you all giggly and stuff, so go for it. I’ll wait for you to calm down. Still waiting. Time to turn off the personal appliance and come back to the recap. You done? Ok. Wash your hands.

Back to the show! That’s one shitty wig.

At least steam that thing when you whip it out of the suitcase.

Wow, they’re the number one touring band in the world! I think that says a lot for our taste level. JonBon is a sweet guy and talks about getting his big break when he played at Wilma Flinstone’s bday party all those years ago. He’s a good guy. I just hope I don’t ever have to listen to him again. Lee stutters and mutters about being happy to make it through. He tells Green Mile and OrganiJ how good it feels. LOL. And…..Green Mile’s out! His wife looks really happy for Crystal.

Cover that mole, skank.

Call me! Mean it! If I don’t answer text me! If I don’t reply get some smoke signals in the air! If i don’t smoke back, send a card! With some nickels in it! xomeanitkthnxbye

Uhoh. There she goes.

OH GOD. Now he’ll be home every night. On top of me.

I’m gonna suffocate before I’m thirty.

How do you feel, GM? Like total shit, thanks for askin! We get to remember his journey! His absence for the birth of his child. “Ah well, God has a plan!” Yeah, to get you right close to your top 3 dream and crushing it. LOL, God! You’re one sneaky biatch!

I think this was pretty fair, even though Lee stunk it up more than the rest. Hey, where was Jamie? DAMMIT! I feel robbed! Skara tells GM to record great songs. He should give her the same advice.

Your dad just totally dicked us over.

Please don’t eat me.