American Idol: Borin’ Doody

So glad I had this season off from recapping American Idol. Not just cuz the show kinda blew for the most part, but because I got to read IceQueen’s hilary recaps every week. Great job my lady and thanks for the giggles! Ice is away this week for a wedding or a party or a Jesus I don’t know but she’s not here. Which leaves me. And you. And some really terrible pop culture. Let’s go!

(Broody classical piano.)

I dreamed a dream where perms were better.

Dreams begin when shows bore my ass to sleep, that’s when.

I dreamed a dream of developing facial features by the time I’m ten.

When does a dream end? That’s the question. I woke up from a flying dream the other day and almost jumped into traffic when I stumbled out of bed thinking I was an angel. Dreams? Kill people. But for the sake of a sweet opening, let’s pretend we don’t, in fact, know when dreams begin. Otherwise this’ll get laborious.

When David Cook started singing at ten years old? That’s when any standers by started dreaming of government funded ear plugs.

Shhhhh….

It’ll end with a trophy, a Ford Fiesta, and a double chin shot for your mom to put on the mantle so she can brag to her friends about something.

Hey someone ate my fries. Wait. Cook? Gimme my fries back. Throw them up! COOOOK! I WANT MY FRIES BAAAAACK!

Shots of Lauren and Scotty being all naive and hopeful and poorly dressed and stuff.

Fiiiiirewoooork! Come on let your cooooooolors bu urst!
Make em go ooom oom oom as you walk across the room room rooooom!

Or ewewew. Any three syllables will do. Just rhyme it with room.

We see Lauren singing as a youngster. She out sang Carrie as a child. But how is she on the DS?

Derrrrrrrrrrr….

I won agayuhn!

Let’s call it a wash! We get to see Scotty Doody as a kid. Well, a younger kid. He looks like you’d think. All hicky and pasty and stuff. But he’s got black hair. Hmmmm. Is he dying his hair to get the ginger vote?!? Do gingers have that much power in this flipped upside down society? I’m on to you, pretend ginger!

In her clip, Borin was singing about dreams, and in his clip, Scotty Doody was introducing “the next American Idol” in a class skit. It’s DESTINYOMGASLDKGNASLDKGNCALLME

Randy says “Hi, Lauren” in his bored, friendly seen it all way, but the sound guys put heavy echo on it so he just keeps saying “Hi, Lauren” over and over, each time higher pitched and more bored. It’s supposed to be inspirational, but it’s kinda creepy and sad.

Super dark scary pic of Tinkercrest. Tonight, America, we. Are gonna. Change LIVES. The more people that vote tonight, the more people will buy Ford Fiestas and that revenue will somehow affect kids in Africa getting mosquito nets. Or something. Whatever’s about to happen, it’s super important and serious. Look at Tink’s face.

Hi Judges!! They are as ridiculously dressed as they should be. Being famous means never having to grow up. It also means you can go pretty much anywhere and people will compliment you no matter what the hell you’re wearing. If these were regular people, they’d get beat up in parking lots for looking like this. Dirty haired Flinstone Senior Goth, glittery stripper, and chunky guy trying to trick us into believing he’s skinny with a that girl rain coat.

You look greeeeeat! Do you know Paula Abdul? Could you tell her I LOVE HER?!?!

Look! It’s the Fetus!! And some creepy fan behind him!

And you’re the reason he filed a restraining order. Go back to wherever you came from, freak.

Tink’s in a tux. AW! He looks like Kermit the Frog a little bit. Has anyone figured out why there are so many songs about rainbows yet? This is a big night! Oprah’s even here and it’s her last week on the air.

Are you chewing right now? Of course they let Oprah bring in snacks. No fair!

Smackdown! Country V Country! Child V Child! Pasty V Pastier! WHO WILL WIIIIIN?!!? We all know the answer to that. Coca Cola is the only true winner here. The excitement might be gone for most of us at this point, but at least we get to watch Tink make funny faces.

Breaking News! Borin is having vocal troubles! Well, that tacky ass dress with leggings ain’t gonna wear itself, so she’s here! What a trooper!

Go to a doctor that can heal those clothes before you make all of us sick.

Some dude named Doctor Nazari explains in doctor terms that Borin screamed so much in rehearsal that she blew out a vocal chord. “Like a runner with a badly sprained ankle.” That might not be the best comparison.

Runnin’? I ain’t runnin nowhere. Do I have to run? Cuz I’ll quit.

PS – to all the parents out there, please pick up your babies every once in awhile. Otherwise they will end up with a flat head for the rest of their lives. Cribs aren’t baby sitters!

She’s been given horse tranquilizers and some good ole fashioned prayer therapy, so she’s ready! Scotty Doody’s taking this shit anyway and he knows it. It’s why he got so dressed up.

Round One is a song we’ve already heard, Round Two is songs picked by Borin and Scotty’s idols! Delta Burke and Hulk Hogan. Well at least they might pick something interesting, which is more than I can say for Iovine or the lame ass judges. Round Three is the contestants’ first single should they win. Please say someone wrote a couple of crap inspirational songs this year. PLEASE!! I just saw Skara DiLaguardia on Watch What Happens Live and remembered just how terrible and hilarious those songs can be. Also, how terrible and hilarious Skara can be. I forgot how obnoxious she was. She’s so talented and pretty. She should get her vocal chords removed and she’d be invited to more parties.

Scotty’s up first with his fave song from the season. I don’t know why I detest this kid so much. Is it because I am jealous of his youth? No. I hated being young, it was horrible. I think it’s cuz every time he sings I imagine my Meemaw at home in Texas humping a pillow to his voice. I know it’s gross, but it’s true. He’s giving it his all. If the volume was down, I would think this is a golf tournament.

Hey that was only fifteen seconds of singing. No fair, producers! And by no fair, I mean THANK YOU.

I am framing this for Meemaw’s bday.

Lauren’s singing “Flat on the Floor”, which is how she should sing this so she doesn’t run out of breath. Walking across the stage wears her out, and I totally relate. Her voice sounds great. I like the rasp in it. That was a good 15 seconds, Borin! She’s breathing super hard after, which is hilarious to me for some reason. She should come out with an exercise video, where you just have to pace slowly for fifteen seconds and shake your hips a little. I’d actually work out once in awhile.

George Straight chose Scotty’s next song, and it’s called “Check Yes or No”. Why do all country song titles sound like they’re made up by seven year olds? This song is about being young and having a crush on some slut who gives kisses away on the bus. Meemaw just stained another pillow. His warble is a bit off key for this one, but who cares really? I thought he was sitting on a stool, but he’s just squatting. It’s weird, but he’s skinny so I guess it works. He’s putting a lot of emotion into it. And a lot of nostrils.

Carrie Underwood chose “Maybe it was Memphis” for Borin. She also removed a couple of Borin’s ribs during commercial break. Good Lord woman. A vocal chord isn’t the only thing that’s gonna bust tonight.

She sounds beautiful, but GOD I hate this music. She’s not moving around for this one, but she’s still breathing hard cuz of that dress. She sounded great, and the people of Wal-Mart are tying up the cell towers right now voting for her ass. Hey Randy, say something useful! You can’t? Then let’s stare at your hideous pattern.

He says Scotty Doody is brilliant. LOL. He’s a regular Stephen Hawking that Doody. He gives round 1 to Scotty and 2 to Borin. JHo says it was an explosive start. If you don’t get Borin out of that dress soon it’s gonna be an explosive end, too. She agrees with Randy’s votes. Betty White gives both rounds to Borin cuz she’s pretty. How much does he get paid to be on this show? Just curious.

Thank you for being a friend, mkay?

America wrote a song in some Coca Cola challenge. It was called “Please Try and Make This Season Suck Less”, but that title was too cumbersome so the producers changed it to “Positive” and brought in Taio Cruz to sing it. Which means it was so bad that they didn’t make the finalists sing it. It couldn’t be worse than Skara’s song, could it? Let’s find out!

There’s a marching drum corps with lights in their drums, and the song is about being positive and never getting knocked down. LOL. How many sad, poor drug addicted former contestants are watching this at home right now with tears in their eyes? Sing a song about that. I think Taio has added some “oh nana”s in there, but who can blame him? His mic goes out, and it’s the best thing to happen to that song.

Ready. Aim. FIRE.

Taio doesn’t know how to pronounce positive. The only part I buy is when his auto tune warbles out “I’m higher than I’ve ever been.” He sounds like Miley Cyrus. He autotune goes out and we hear his real voice. It’s frightening. Tink thanks Taio for making a bad song even worse, and then mispronounces positive to make the poor kid feel better. Now let’s talk about something really important.

You guys? Why is Camryn Manheim such a camera whore? GO AWAY MANHANDS!

Let’s find out from Jim Gunn what Scotty Doody will release as a single when he wins this bitch. It’s called “I Love You THIS Big.” See? Like a child wrote it. Sticking with the theme, eh? Just call it UGH, cuz that’s the sound I’m making every time this shit is played at Starbucks.

Jimmy keeps saying “big”. The song is big. The voice is big. The world is big. The show is big. The career is gonna be big. He’s kinda laughing as he talks, which makes me wonder if he’s jabbing the tiny kid with one syllable over and over.

Maybe get some ear buds. You’ll look big…ger.

This song is about being young and experienced but still knowing what love is. Well, how many fists have you had up your butt, Doody? That’ll show you love real quick.

This is some big love.

Whenever Doody holds a note, you can tell how shaky it really is without the WB frog low note trick. That sucked ass. Terrible song. Randy’s “marveling in da fact that” Scotty’s so young. I’m marveling at the fact that you’ve been on TV for a decade and still haven’t bothered to learn English. He compliments the last note, which makes me take him even less seriously than usual. He says brilliant again. JHo calls Scotty a great story teller. Cloris Leachman babbles bs I don’t get about basketball. Booooooooo!! Scotty says that he don’t know what, but this night sure is excitin’! Glad someone’s having fun.

Dear IceQueen, kinda hating you right now. Love, Flipit. You know who looks about as happy as me right now? The guys who lost to that hick puppet.

Maybe you guys didn’t hear Taio’s song. Be positeeve.

Borin’s song’s called “Like My Mother Does”, and it’s about having babies when you’re twelve and getting skanky skunk dye jobs.

Now let’s watch Borin’ hurt herself.

You’re gonna sprain your ankle if you keep that up.

Iovine says moms are suckers and will def vote for this cheez ass song. Whoren is wearing a pretty, tasteful summer dress.

WHO ARE YOU?

This song is all about how nice moms are and stuff. BS! It should be about how you’re never good enough. Or about being left after school on the street for hours because there were too many spritzers at that day’s Junior League meeting. Or about yelling “YOU’RE AN ANOREXIC WHOOOORE!” every night at the TV while Vanna White turns letters on Wheel of Fortune. That I’d buy. This? FF. Wait. Stop. Let’s watch Borin’s mom pray.

Jesus isn’t gonna high five you. Sit down.

Again, Borin can sing really well. She sounds amazing. And I hate every damn song she sings. She almost bones a big note, but manages to squeeze it out. She cries and hugs her mom’s bad hair. Borin’s borin, but she can at least sing. Please America! DO THE RIGHT THING! Borin’ for the win!

By the end, her mom is crying. So am I. But I’m also screaming “Please make it stoooop!” and she’s not. Randy loved the song, and says that finally Bore sang one line that he liked. Finally! Borin from Hollywood week is back! JHo thinks that Lauren just won the show. And she seems super pissed about it I might add. Dolores Umbridge says Borin is his American Idol! YAY BORIN!

The judges all give round 3 to Borin, and let’s hope America agrees, cuz whoever wins this is gonna be on Good Morning America and I don’t want my breakfast ruined by a winky ginger with a hand up his ass.

See you guys for results. xo