American Idol: Crying in Cars With Boys

The top three elimination night on Idol started with a recap of the performances, the judging and Jimmy Iovine weighing in on the performances. Let me make a very clear prediction, he told us. There’s gonna be a dude in the show finale. Subtlety is not a concern for Jimmy Iovine.

I think we know who Kim is pulling for, too.

There are a bunch of former contestants in the audience and I can’t remember most of their names, so that doesn’t bode well for their future fame. There’s the exotic-looking girl who unsuccessfully tried to dance and reggae her way into our hearts. The other exotic-looking girl who had the personality of a guppy. The boy who used to whisper and wear the loud outfits. Anyway, they’re there, and I’m sure they were so thrilled to celebrate not winning. Happiness for others doesn’t seem to be a trait that’s highly valued in the entertainment world.

Tink says there were over 95 million votes on Wednesday night, the highest number of votes for a non-finale show evuh. Oh America, you’re a voting machine, aren’t you? The public schools are shitty and we’ve hit our debt ceiling and unemployment is back up, but this is something we can control, isn’t it? This is something we can get behind. This is why the internet was made!

But before we get to tha newz… we get to watch a video of the top four’s trip to Bad Robot Productions. I would like to go to Bad Robot! Finally, something interesting is being advertised on this show! Something besides the Ford Festivo and Pemberton’s French Wine Coca.

Anything with wine: cures what ails ya!

So, at Bad Robot, the gang met JJ Abrams who created Felicity, Alias and a whole bunch of other shows and directed Star Trek. I always wonder how such prolific people have the ability to be involved in so many projects, and I think JJ answered my question: stimulants. And plenty of them. He was so jumpy. Andhetalked inreallyfast bursts. Sortoflikethis. Mademekindofnervous. So he has a new movie coming out called Super 8 and it’s about some meddling kids who make movies with super 8 cameras, just like he used to do. Meh. That doesn’t sound particularly exciting.

Anywhoodle, he showed some clips from the movie to the contestants and we have the honor of watching them watch part of the movie, thanks to some cameras with eerie night vision capabilities. They gasp and jump a lot, so maybe it looked better on a big screen than on my television at home?

After we get to watch the contestants watch part of the movie, JJ gives them all super 8 cameras to take on their hometown trips. After that segment, we go back to the Idol audience where Tink is joined by Elle Fanning. Good gravy, that girl is tall. She’s Dakota Fanning’s little sister. And because I can only picture Dakota Fanning as the little haunted-looking waif from I Am Sam and War of the Worlds, seeing her little sister tower over Tink is weird.

Teen girls love their pearls and red matte lipstick…

When the Fanning sisters get away from their parents, they’re going to be towering over everyone as they troll Hollywood, drink too much and pass out on banquettes. They’re going to be like the Kardashians, but instead of being super wide, they’ll be super long. I’m picturing them roaming around L.A. like Godzilla, stepping on papparazzi and drop-kicking hulking bouncers. That will be fun.

What’s Elle Fanning doing there? Oh yes, she is in Super 8 and she came on Idol to hold a microphone and giggle. Oh wait, she also talked between giggles and said her six-year-old cousin think Scotty tha Body’s going to win the whole show. OK, thank you teenager we don’t know, for telling us what your six-year-old cousin thinks. I hope someone puts a DVD of this episode in the Liberry of Congress.

Hometown visit time. Haley headed back to Chicago on a private plane. She lurches through the streets (she was literally lurching, no wonder she fell the night before, the girl has no grace) and walks past a limo with an American Idol sign on it. A production assistant lets her walk down the street before telling her that the limo is for her. Oh, am I supposed to get in there? she asks. That giant limo with the massive Idol sticker on it is for us? The one surrounded by camera crews? OK cool, but how was I supposed to know? Love this girl. She is a mess.

The limo takes her to her hometown of Wheeling where teenagers are literally falling all over themselves and having conniption fits in the rain as they wait for her. It’s like watching a zombie movie. And believe me, now that the CDC has put out its warning, I’m on the look out for them.

“Thank you for freaking out,” Haley says to one girl. Another girl offers up a broken limb for Haley to sign. And Haley has somehow managed to get ink from her marker all over her own face. Oh, this girl’s going to be fun to work for…. Anyway, the “president” of Wheeling declares it Haley Reinhart Day and then there’s a parade and a visit to the local high school and then a trip to the track to bet on the ponies and also to sing. And throughout all of this, it’s still raining and Haley’s hair still looks awesome, which for me is reason enough for her to win this.

The first musical guest of the night is Il Volo, a trio of Eye-talian teen boys who fit into a music genre called pop-opera, which is totally made up. According to Wikipedia, Gianluca, Piero and Ignazio met on a television music show over there in It’ly. Johnny, Pete and Ignoramous are a… unique trio. I don’t know that they’ll be invited to any bunga bunga parties anytime soon, but those boys can sing. They sang “O Sole Mio,” which I believe was the one song I learned that time I wasted a credit in college. It’s a song about Fresca and Seinfeld? IDK, I don’t speak Italian.

Meet Il Volo: Peepers, Rico Suave & EVOO

Scotty McCreery headed for Garner, North Carolina for his hometown trip. He got off the plane shouting “baby lock them doors!” Even though that’s the worst catchphrase ever, I’m totally working it into my conversations this week. Instead of f-bombs, I’m going to be dropping “baby lock them doors!” Screw up an assignment? “Baby lock them doors!” Intern messes up my Starbucks order? “Baby lock them doors!” Miss a meeting because the intern “forgot” to remind me? “Baby, lock those fucking doors!”

Scotty’s first stop is at a radio station. He’s surrounded by girls who have to keep their hands over their mouths at all times. Outside, the crowd is overwhelming, and as security drags him through, someone hands him a doughnut which he eats on the spot. Note to pre-teen girls: put the roofies in a doughnut. After this, a rather hefty, crying girl runs after his limo. No word yet on whether she was going after the pastry or Scotty. I’m so sorry, little girl. I couldn’t help myself. But seriously, stop acting like that over a boy you don’t know…

Scotty stops by his parents’ house after this, and humble beginnings my ass! Daddy and Mama Scotty are doing very well. Later, he goes over to his school where he throws the old baseball around with the old team and looks at a poster of himself on the wall. Outside, a woman who is definitely too old to be in high school is waving at him. As the limo pulls away, Scotty breaks down sobbing. Like serious sobs. What he doesn’t realize for a moment is that the car window is down and they really actually pulled away. So he’s bawling in the car while everyone stands outside waving and cheering. This is so much like my high school experience, it’s eerie.

Next stop for Scotty is the grocery store where he used to work. A manager comes out and slaps an apron with a giant logo on it on Scotty before he can set food inside. Marketing genius. There’s a parade where girls walk alongside his car crying (seriously girls, stop it!). Scotty himself begins to cry in the back of the convertible during the parade.

Later, at his concert, Josh Turner is there to surprise him. Josh sings “Your Man,” better known as “BabyLockThemDoors.” He walks on stage while Scotty’s singing and they end up singing together. Scotty calls it the best day of his life.

Being around that cutie might make my day, too!

OK, after this there was a performance by Nicole Sherzinger and 50 Cent. And can I just skip it? Can I just not recap this? It was insulting to me as a music listener. It was just so goddam awful. I mean, Sherzinger looked very beautiful. And I’m kind of convinced that it was a hologram of 50 Cent we were singing, he was there and gone so quickly. But it just sucked. And I’m pretty sure that if Nicole Sherzinger was a contestant on Idol, she would not make it into the finals. Although at least she actually sang and didn’t use the robot voice (side-eye Enrique Iglesias).

This was the only good part of that performance…

Lauren Alaina is crying before her plane even lands at the Chattanooga Airport (located adjacent to the Chattanooga ChooChoo) and she and her mom are clapping and squealing. Awww… I feel like we’re watching a Lindsay/Dina situation develop right before our very eyes.

Two old men interview her on the radio. Some little girls freak out over her at an AT&T store. I guess what else is there in Oglethorpe, GA but an AT&T store… Later, her family goes to see an area that was hit by that rash of tornadoes that popped up a few weeks ago. It’s actually really bad and Lauren looks very upset. She meets a little boy named Tyler Long who’s being credited with rescuing his family from their destroyed home. He pulled his baby brother out from under a pile of bricks. He is very cute and Lauren tells him she’s proud to be from Georgia, just like him. OK, that was babylockthemdoors sweet! Very touching. Nice job, Idol producers. You got me to care on that one.

Because her home town was small and has been reduced to a pile of rubble, Lauren does her concert in Chattanooga. She tells the crowd about seeing the destruction and gives them a pep talk and it’s a nice sentiment, but it’s kind of a dumb thing for a 16-year-old to be doing for some people who just came to sing and wave homemade signs at the cameras. Lauren sings “Build it Anyway” and it sounds like there’s a tape recorder playing the music. And I don’t mean it sounds like someone playing an MP3 over a sound system. It sounds like someone got a tape recorder and held it up to a microphone and pushed the gray button but had to push it twice because they only pushed it halfway the first time, so the sound came out a little scrambled. But once they pushed it down all the way, there was a click, and then the sound of plastic gears turning, and then the music came out a little scratchy. I guess Idol ran out of money? Or couldn’t get a permit for a band?

OK, so a lot has happened. But you know one thing that hasn’t happened? Results. And this is, after all, the results show. First person through is Scotty McCreery. No surprise there. The big surprise will be who Scotty will compete against. Tink draws it out, and you can hear him savoring the moment. Lauren closes her eyes and Haley stares into space. Lauren Alaina is going through. And that means Haley is done.

I know that in the minicap, some people commented that Haley seemed upset in the end, but I didn’t see that at all. I think that she was composed and pretty gracious. There was a lot going on and those kids have to be exhausted. I think she almost looked relieved.

So Haley’s final song was “Bennie and the Jets,” and I liked that because it was one of my favorite performances of hers. She seemed to have fun with it, dancing with audience members and changing the words around so that she could name her friends in the crowd. And her family looked pretty cool with it, too. I bet she and her parents headed back to the hotel, scored some weed and stayed up all night blazing and reminiscing about their trip.

You stay awkward, girl!

So the finale is this week and Scotty and Lauren will be the youngest matchup in Idol history. Any predictions? My money’s on Babylockthemdoors. Don’t forget, the show is on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. Because it totally makes sense to change it all up for the last episodes. I’m actually headed out of town, so king among men Flipit is covering the finale. I’m not terribly excited about the final two, so I’m not torn up about missing the finale. But I cannot wait to read Flipit’s recaps!

- XOXO, Icy