Thursday night’s results show opened with the usual dramatic promise that some people are going home and we’ll NEVER believe who it is! Eh. I wasn’t that surprised by the eliminations, but who knows. Perhaps Scotty’s grandma was stunned.
“I voted 63 times!”
Scotty’s granny wasn’t the only one hitting redial on her Jitterbug flip phone. There were a lot of votes on Wednesday night, Tink tells us.55 million, in fact. That’s a record for this point in an American Idol season. Congratulations, America. You have your priorities straight and are making good use of your free time.
It’s good to have your old hair back, Tink! When do you start hosting Family Feud?
Tink’s mixing up the performances this week, so there won’t be one corny group number. Lauren and Scotty are up first to sing “I Told You So” together. I guess they’re done with the Elton John songs, huh?
The teen dreams sound great together and either Scotty is a superb actor or he’s got a thang for Lauren. He does a good job of gazing at her while they go back and forth on the duet. It’s a good song choice for them.
Tink calls them to center stage and recaps the previous night: Lauren did “Candle in the Wind” while Scotty sang “Country Comfort.” And both of them are safe, so we’ll be treated to another week of young Boobs McGee and Alfred E. Neuman bringing the country to the competition.
Naima and Lusky sing Ashford & Simpson’s “Solid.” Their duet is cute and about as interesting as a performance of that song can be, especially when they bust out some synchronized dance moves and play to the camera.
Raise your hand/ Raise your hand, if you’re sure!
Tink says that one of them is in the bottom three… it’s Naima. She doesn’t seem particularly shocked. Changing songs up can either save your ass like it did with Andrew Garcia who slowed down “Straight Up” during Hollywood Week last season; or people will hate it, like they did when Hambert changed up “Ring of Fire.”
Idol season three winner Fantasia came to show everyone what happens after the industry has eaten you up and spit you out. And also what happens when you put a croissant on top of your head.
She’s singing a song called “Collard Greens & Cornbread.” It’s a song about unrequited love. Of course. Her song about true love is called “Pig Feet & Okra.” Those are the first two singles off her album Scrapple, in stores and on iTunes right now. Scrapple.
Fantasia and one of her backup singers have braces. It adds to the illusion I have that Fantasia is just a giant baby who can sing and can sort of talk. Her little baby voice always puts that image in my head… Fantasia finishes the song by telling Steven Tyler that she loves him.
Tink comes onstage and asks Fantasia to give some words of wisdom to the contestants. In her baby voice, she says that they should keep good people around, not just yes people. Also someone who can read is helpful.
Haley, Thia and Pia are called onstage to perform “Teenage Dream.” These three will definitely not be the next Destiny’s Child or Danity Kane, that’s for sure. Haley starts things off by growling into the camera and forgetting the words. When they get to the chorus, one of them is drawing out the notes like she’s singing lead in a Broadway production. It’s probably Thia Megia.
Tink comes on stage to tell us that Pia and Haley are safe. Thia joins Naima in the bottom.
There’s a special video clip of what the Idol kids did last week. They recorded some songs, they performed at a charity event and met Muhammad Ali, and then they had to move out of the mansion because it rained and apparently the McMansions of southern Cali have a tendency to leak. This led to Lauren Alaina falling down the stairs and Casey dragging his clothes around in garbage bags. Is anyone surprised that Casey doesn’t have a suitcase? We also saw what happened to Casey after he was saved on the elimination show. After nearly having a heart attack, a doctor made him lie down and then rubbed his back while Casey cried. Awww. That was sweet. Casey said he wanted to be happy, but was way too emotional.
After that, we have the debut of James, Paul, Casey and Stefano’s band that has been formed as a result of Idol. They perform “Band on the Run” as best they can with three guitars and a keyboard. Stefano and Casey spend most of the time making faces at one another and screeching. It’s all very underwhelming, this episode…. But Steven says they can open for Aerosmith. He needs to stop saying these things in the heat of the moment, because I’m pretty sure all four boys went home thinking they’d open for Aerosmith on the next tour.
Tink says if Casey had any idea how many votes he’d received, he’d be very proud. He’s safe. Why don’t they tell us how many votes each person got? James is safe and so is Stefano, which means that Paul joins Naima and Thia in the bottom three.
One more performance of the night: will.i.am and Jamie Foxx are performing a song from their new — ugh… another freakin’ animated movie?? Whyyyy? So, these two have a song called “Hot Wing” and the performance is just one long commercial for their stupid move about birds. There are a bunch of people dressed in birdlike costumes and drummers and Jamie and will.i.am start on the steps and sing a song about just wanting to party and samba. They sound pretty terrible; it puts our contestants into perspective, no?
“Yay! We sold out! And we’re way richer than you! And we spell our names weird!”
OK, time to get rid of two of these suckers. The person surviving the cut is… Paul. Thia and Naima have to stand and watch a video of their journey play. They look back at horrible their normal lives are, the lives they’ll go back to now.
The video shows how happy they’ve been, away from high school and their whiny kids. Don’t worry, girls, you’ll be on summer tour soon, playing in such exotic and exciting locales as Des Moines, Tulsa and Grand Rapids. See you on Wednesday for Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame night!