American Idol: Ford Siestas and Super Old People

Oprah. Obama. Lee and Hobosox. Chicago. What a town! American Idol really does a lot for their contestants. When they were at their first auditions, things weren’t looking too good. Lee had a giant wart on his lip and Hobo was eating so many sticks of ChapStick that her teeth fell out.

Fame makes everything better! Teeth will come later.

Lee has really learned how to show charisma over the season, hasn’t he?

Derrrrrrrrrr….

This. Is the way too long ending to a way too long season. And THIS! IS THE AMERICAN IDOL FINALE!! I came into this thinking “wow. This is the lamest final two in history. And then I’m reminded that it’s absolutely not.

I think Jordin Spanx and WiggyWiggy beatboxer kid win that title. And look! There’s Taylor Hicks! He’s the candidate to replace Bea Arthur as guardian of the cheesecake.

The voting has been super close this season. Only a two percent gap! I think one thing we can all agree on, though, is that Randy needs to just stop shopping.

Your shirt has herpes.

Ellen looks ten years younger tonight. I don’t know if it’s the white suit or what. Does white erase chicken neck? Cuz that’s gone. What’s your secret? And if you say vagina I’m gonna be pissed.

I want a shot from behind. I have a feeling there’s a bunch of neck skin there held back with a rubber band.

Who told Skara to wave like a beauty queen? She seriously looks ridiculous. I know it’s because she’s trying to lessen her arm jiggle, but if she really wants to do that I have one word for her.

Sleeves.

And now, for his last night on AI, Simon. WAAAAHHHH!! I’m gonna miss that leathered old chap. I don’t think anyone can come close to the reddish brown color he’s turned himself.

The new judge will pale in comparison. They will literally look pale.

Now let’s bring out the finalists! They’re dressed like Catholic School students. I don’t know why, but I hope a nun comes out and beats them with a ruler when they miss notes. It will be a blood bath.

Let’s take a look at the difference between Hobo’s fans:

…and Lee’s fans:

This is just downright unfair.

And now for the Top 12!! I generally black out contestants once they get eliminated so I have room in my brain for…well I like to keep it empty. Point is, who’s this?

Haley has really gone too far down the Michael Jackson path.

The boys are out first, and it’s hilarious to watch them try to walk in sync. Especially MexiGokey, who has been failure bingeing. When he tries to do a shoulder roll I have to literally stop and rewind a few times to lol. The choreographers are probably doing the same thing. Evil bitches.

Green Mile is giving a little too much. The stage is gonna collapse in on itself. It’s just a step touch, dude. Calm down before you kill us all. Sio is a little too excited to be back on stage too. She’s lip synching with her jaw on the floor and I think she’s just doing the ole “watermelonwatermelonwatermelon” thing, cuz she doesn’t get one word right. She sure is energetic, though. She looks like she’s on a trampoline.

Wheeeeee!

And now for a bunch of zombie children. I think this is a thank you to all the mindless drones who have kept this crap on the air this year. Don’t get defensive, I don’t mean you, sweetie.

Nielsen families.

Let’s welcome Zombie Grandpa, Alice Cooper!

Uhoh. Someone hide Little Chicken before he gets his head ripped off. Dentures hurt as much as real teeth.

You guys, what the hell is Grandpa Zombie doing here? Have the ratings really sunk that low? He’s not even singing. Just yelling. Which I guess fits here.

Get off my lawn!

If your ball comes over my fence one more time I’m shoving it up your tiny cornhole!

He sounds like laryngitis raping bronchitis.

Thanks, Oops I Crapped My Pants!

That was terrible. Not as terrible as Sio’s vagina in my face though.

And now, with “The Truth”, the balding dude who’s impressed that the Ford has a gas pedal!

Now with extreme reverb!

They forget to turn off Tink’s mic, so we get to hear his conversation. It was muffled but I think he said “who’s that again?” I think KrispyTwink is in the process of hair restoration or something, cuz up close he looks like a My Buddy doll.

Before you go out in public: RECOVER.

He’s screaming his face off. I have really missed his giant sideways mouth when he’s trying to squeeze one out. The director seems to know exactly when to cut away before I get a decent screen grab, but he can’t block everything!

Reeeeeach!

Poor guy is forced to shout notes out of his range and he sounds exhausted. The song is kinda boring, he’s kinda boring. I wouldn’t even recognize his voice if it weren’t accompanied by plugs and sideways yell. This song is about breaking up. Did he break up with his girlfriend? Cuz if so I CALLED THAT SHIT.

Riding the Bus With My Krispy

He’s missing squeals left and right by the end. One day they’re gonna find a singer who’s not all about screaming and the whole fucking world’s gonna change. Thank God that’s over. I would run him over with a Ford, if I was tacky enough to own one.

Simon’s last night! He gives Tink an Altoid. LOL. Let’s watch a farewell video for our fave grinch. We see Randy without his glasses, and he looks like Oprah without makeup. Third Oprah mention in one recap. Time to retire.

You tode Harpo to beat me!

American Idol has given Simon so much. Money to buy a chin, for one.

Montage of Simon eating chips while people sing and generally being a dick. Love it. Especially when he gathers up the human trash of the world and presses GO on the Universe’s compactor.

Cruuunch.

Skara starts crying and telling us that she’s gotta have someone’s balls to play with while she judges and Ellen’s just won’t do. That was the least touching send off of all time. Poor Simon! What about all those mosquito nets he bought for Africa? Oh wait. There will be more montages later. For now, let’s move on to Sio and Little Chicken singing “How Deep Is Your Love?” Is every song gonna have mothballs on it? Man they really don’t wanna pay royalties for this finale. Cheap bastards.

Sio starts off with her yawn singing. I don’t know how she gets her throat to do that without actually falling asleep, but she does. Well done! Little Chicken takes the girl part. They sound fantastic together, but it’s one cheesy ass performance. But wait! It gets cheesier cuz the BeeGees come on!! BWAHAHAHAH!

Old Cartman and Skinny Elton

This is like a dinner cruise from hell. If Mrs. Roeper were still alive, she’s be wetting herself right now. Old Cartman doesn’t even attempt to hit the high notes. He just opens his mouth real wide, like maybe we’ll imagine that he sung them. He’s better than Skinny Elton, though. That dude just moves his mouth. If I was there I’d put a spoonful of applesauce in it. Old Cartman is a little creepy with Sio.

I’m made of glass. Blow me.

Little Chicken shakes his head, totally into it. This is the hardest he’s rocked in his whole life. In the audience, Jordin Spanx is regaling the people around her with her version.

Yup. You still suck. Shut your pie hole.

At one point, all three guys just start mumbling and Sio is the only one still standing. This is pathetic. And really awesome.

Target audience

Let’s welcome Green Mile to sing “Taking it to the Streets” and vocally masturbate all over the stage. True to form, he doesn’t sing one note as written. Emotionless acrobatics. Vocal sperm is spilling out of his mouth. Michael McDonald comes out. No not Stuart from Mad TV Michael McDonald. That would be too entertaining. And I think he’s only like forty five or something. He needs another forty years to blossom into a finale guest.

Ted Danson and George Lucas’ lesbian baby.

He sounds like he has a tennis ball in his mouth. Some things get better with age, but those things are generally not singers. All he does it growl nonsense. Either he doesn’t remember the words to his own song or he can no longer get sound past his jowls. Fucking horrible. At the end, Green Mile vocally splooges on his face.

Now Dane Cook with a song about Simon’s insults. Simon looks honored.

I asked for Dame Edna to come on and cook. Who’s this jack ass?

Ellen gives Dane cook stink eye the whole time. He’s pretty hacky, and the only time his song gets entertaining is when the parade of human waste comes out to dance. Favorite contestant of the year is here!

That flaming queen in homeboy pants steals the mic and starts telling off Simon and we cut to break. And that’s the end! Just kidding! There’s still four hours left! YAY! Ronald McDonald comes out to sing Xtina’s “Beautiful”. That’s a tall order. Here’s to hoping she sits down. On a land mine.

She sings in her Apple commercial baby voice completely off key. Not to be outdone, DoDo comes out to outflat her. And she does. Katie is a disaster in the wardrobe dept as usual, and Paige figures that she’ll just try to turn herself into Mandisa and try again next year.

Sio sounds good, so Hobosox tries to outriff her. She can’t. It’s blessedly short, and then Sio breaks into that other empowerment Xtina song, which is ballsy since none of them can close. And to prove it, Xtina comes out!! She riffs her face off and then kicks the hacks offstage. Violins start playing and she solos. How does that bitch stay so perfect looking? She still looks like a slutty thirteen year old.

I like that she can make her voice riff so fast that she sounds like a fiddle. This song is about how her man cheated on her or something. It’s very rare to her her sing softly, and she does it pretty well. You wouldn’t think that she could hold a note since she never does it, but she can! She stops herself from speed riffing at least three notes in this song! She’s a vocal masturbator too, but unlike Green Mile, she has some emotion behind it. I can imagine X getting trampled by other people in social situations. She’s like a giant open wound. Or a gash, if you will. I remember back on the Osbournes when she was calling Jack all the time. How sad and lonely is your life when you’re calling Jack Osbourne?

As with most Xtina songs, I love it for about two minutes and then I need to turn the volume down cuz I feel dizzy and disoriented. Now for Ricky Gervais via satellite! He says half a mile is too far to drive for Simon so he’s filming his goodbye down the block. He gives Simon shit for finding child stars and then taking eighty percent of their wages. He can always get his old job as an old man lap dancer. LOL. I love that guy. He’s such an ass. The audience doesn’t laugh, but Simon does so it was all worth it.

Now for backwards skate! Lee comes out to sing some Hall and Oats whinily and off key. But MexiGokey follows him, making him sound like Stevie Wonder. All the guys join in, and their awkwardness is hysterical. Green Mile trying to outbounce everyone kills me. Tim Helmut Lame is off rhythm. He must have made friends with Krispy, cuz he’s singing out the side of his mouth.

Did they cut off your hair cut allowance, Farrah?

He’s so bad! He sings as hard as he can, but it’s still a bad Frank Sinatra impression. In the history of bad dancing over the years, these guys take the cake. And now for Hall and Oats! Bwahahahah. If they dug up Charlie Chaplin right now and stood his ass up on that stage I would not bat an eyelash.

He sounds like duck getting kicked to death. I think that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

After another shot of Hobo’s unbathed fans, Tink goes out into the audience to talk to her twin and open his mouth really widely for no reason.

Now for Hobo wailing off key. Ouch. What the hell is she doing? That’s terrible. She gets back when she’s yelling her face off. Alanis comes out! She is singing “I Want You to Know.” Her cartoon voice was cute when she was like twenty, but now it’s kinda creepy. She and Hobo circle each other like a duel to the bath. They both sound good singing to each other, but it’s weird that they spend the whole song stomping away from each other. They’re probably both thinking “she smells.”

Now let’s welcome back Carrie Underwood! She’s wearing rolls of wire over her shoulder, but I don’t care cuz I love her. You guys, when Carrie was on this show she had the personality of driftwood. Now she’s moving all over the stage and totally comfortable. I guess experience will do that. And a lot of damn money. Go Carrie! She’s very nasally, but that’s her thang. I like her music, cuz she’s always telling off some loser guy. I’m waiting for her to write a love song to her only constant friend, the Nintendo DS. The only awkward part is when she squats and a little toot comes out.

Who are you?

She just schooled the past four season’s contestants. That song was cowritten by Skara. Ugh. Damn I already said I liked it. Krispy’s about to present Hobo and Lee with a present! Krispy still can only grow pudding smudge on his face.

Remember when they got to design their own disposable Ford deathtraps? Well, they get to keep them!! Hobo’s like “Um thanks. Can I trade this for a bus pass?” Krispy’s all boring about it, and Lee yawns out a “wow yo no way.” The charisma in this room could light up a shoe box.

Don’t hit a speedbump or you’ll go through the windshield.

And now for the final Ford commercial! It’s just cuts of all the old ones. They’re just as terrible the second time around.

Face deep in balls. A boy’s gotta work.

Tink talks to Lee and Hobo, and Lee is twitching like crazy. Poor lost Lee. Casey is welcomed to the stage. He is fully clothed. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn!” Does that mean they’re gonna wheel out Brett?!?!?! There he is!! He’s alive!

That mic’s gonna need some alcohol rubs when you’re done.

Thank God he made it through his twelve trips to the hospital this month. I hope he’s in talks to do “Rock of Love: American Idol”. He can just make out with all the eliminated kids and infect them with things. Sio’s already looking the part these days. Bret’s struggling a bit for pitch, but he’s walking and presumably using his brain and stuff so I’m happy. Prettiness outsings him, but can he out syphilis him? No. No he can not. Wait, spoke too soon. Pretty bones a pretty big note. Let’s just call it even.

And now for Lee and Chicago! Cuz he’s from Chicago, get it? There’s no band called “Pudgy Faced Off Key Paint Mixer”, so the producers did the best they could in the Captain Obvious department. Lee looks like a deer about to be slowly run over by a tractor.

Hit him!

He starts completely off key and goes downhill from there. He’s using that whine thing again. Ouch. He sounds worse than Chicago looks.

They move into a different song and the lead vocal is just fucking hideous. I honestly don’t even know which one’s singing. Oh. The Chicago guy. But then Lee sounds even worse. When you’re outsung by a guy who sounds like he’s taking a poop out of his mouth, it’s time to just drop out. Old people. Stop singing high notes! You too, Lee. I am running out of ways to say “terrible”, but not opportunities to. Terrible. Terrible. Embarrassing (like how I changed it up there?). Terrible. Worst performance by a finalist of ALL TIME. And Diana DeGarmo was a finalist. Terrible.

Some random fat guy whose name I can’t remember is with the clean crowd in Chicago. He’s still fat. That’s all I have to report here.

Now for another video about what a dick Simon is. Paula sitting on his lap, Simon trying to bang his own image in a mirror. Simon calling Paula a slut, Simon splooging all over BikiniWhore. Simon kissing Paula. Simon pinching his own nipples. Simon getting ass raped by Randy. Tink talks about all the legendary performances over the years, and gives this year’s prize to “Pants on the Ground.” HAHAH.

This guy looked like a joke at first, but at this point I think he could have won this season.

Hung joins him onstage. He’s only rapping and still sounds half retarded and yes. Terrible. At least with him that’s the POINT.

Well, you hit more notes than Lee.

For those of you who haven’t quite grasped that we are in the end times, I submit this picture as evidence.

Clips of the judges acting like children. Paula says she quit cuz she was sick of sitting between two men with bigger boobs than hers. LOL. And here she is! LIVE! Alive! Drunk? Hopefully!! She kinda stands there mumbling like she’s on the phone with someone boring. She asks Tink to give her back her lip gloss and then says she’s only here to tell us why she left and it’s cuz Simon left her alone with their baby. She’s not drunk. I think she’s on quaaludes. She’s very slow and focused. She starts slurring and talking slower and slower. The audience is completely silent. Then she starts missing words left and right and says sorry Si but as I know, the show will go on without you. Awkward! Poor Paula. This whole finale is like a live version of deadoraliveinfo.com.

“My Way” blares over a montage of Simon being Simon. It’s lifeless and boring, which is sad cuz that’s one thing he’s not. Kelly Clarkson is here! YAAAAYYYYY!!! JHud! TASIA!!! Carrie!! And then it goes dooooown. Spanx. Although I have to say her one line sounded great. Taylor. Kris. Wait. Where’s Downs face? Busy I guess. Kelly’s tongue is brown, but damn she can sing.

Get a tongue brush or be single for life.

And now, for the clearance rack of never bought contestants!

Fire sale!

LOL

And…boner.

At first I was like “who’s that black chick with giant fake boobs?” Then on closeup I realized it’s Mikhala!

I don’t care what you fools say, Tasia outsings them all! I LOVE YOU TASIA!!

Why does JHud look so damn scared?

And why did they place Spanx there? She looks like she’s gonna eat a village.

Tink brings Simon up on stage. Simon coldly says that he’s super emotional right now and thanks us for the billions of dollars we’ve put into his pocket. I can’t see past Paula’s giant gina splattered on the sidewalk dress.

Tasia cries during his speech and then asks for twenty bucks. This season’s cast comes out and sings a non pre recorded song. You can tell cuz they try to harmonize and can’t. Ouch. JANET!!!!!!!!!!!

aofinbva[soibna[rinvaxcknv;laskjt[iweurg[aisv’laknv!!!

Man she looks great. The last pics I saw of her were not flattering.

She whisper sings into the mic, and it’s crazy to hear that on this show. Her butt is like ten people’s butts, and it’s fab. I want to set my drink on it. I didn’t ever realize that she sounds exactly like MJ, which makes me sad now. The audience has to be completely silent to hear her, but it’s worth it. I’ve never though of her as a vocal diva, but after the year we’ve sat through she sounds like Maria Callas.

She kicked giant butt on that song, and then the beat comes in and she whips out “Nasty Boys”. She can still dance her ass off. Well, not off, but she can shake that shelf like a pro. And I love that she still has hot teenager dancers. Nasty Janet.

Long live Janet! Employing hot runaways since the eighties.

When she yells she sounds like an angry Pearl from 227, but when she sings she’s back to smooth whispering. It’s confusing. And awesome. YAY to a good five minutes in this damn hour! Simon’s last big of charity before he goes went to Janet. He’s a saint.

Now a video about Lee and Hobo starting out. Lee wanted to get away from paint and Hobo wanted to get away from this brat.

You look like Louie Anderson, and that’s why I’m ditching your poopy butt.

Then my video cut out and went to the middle of “A Little Help from My Friends”. Hobo is wailing with the daddy of all Hobos. Lee looks a bit left out.

Long John Hobo

Man, that dude can SANG. See, other old people on the show? There is a way to stay fuckin amazing. Ask some advice before you leave. Lee tries real hard to be soulful, but he just comes off as drunk and confused.

Paula?

Five minutes left! Some Brit dork comes out with an envelope and assures us that the results have been certified. Uhhuh. Lee’s already sobbing. WTF? And….LEE WINS!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! How in God’s name is that even possible? He never made it through one show on key! LOL AMERICA!! Well, that’s a fitting way to end a joke of a season. At least Hobo got her sunflower death trap from Ford. This is so wrong. I think Ford just refused to have a dirty hobo starring in their ads for a year.

Lee cries. He’s so sweet! And terrible!

His acceptance speech is all sutters and blahs and nothings. I can’t wait for his autobiography. I love reading cocktail napkins. He whips out one final OFF KEY AND TERRIBLE version of “Beautiful Day”, this time with tears. It’s so bad that the building catches fire.

Guys, reading your comments all season has been hilarious and wonderful. Thanks so much for wasting this many hours with me! Love ya and see you soon! xo