American Idol: Getting Hard in the Big Easy!

Hiya kids! bBitz here and I’m recapping the 2nd half of the big “American Idol” <reboot> Premiere! I never thought I’d see the day when the show would be on the air without good ol’ Simon and Paula. However…

Thank God we still have Randy.

Oh shit. That was just a Mucinex commercial. Ok NOW the show’s starting!

Starting off like an opening title from Law & Order SVU does not bode well.

Apparently he’s singing his farewell song because he didn’t get it. Well…

He’s got a shot at being in the next Blair Witch film. Ugh. Now pick up what’s left of your shattered dignity and wipe your nose.

I love how this show starts off with what looks like God’s final wrath upon the city of LA. Entirely appropriate.

BTW who the fuck are those guys? I bet they’d be cool American Idols. Someone should give them a chance.

Finally the show begins! And we’re in New Orleans!!! YEAH!!! Home to the once a year celebration of public urination, sex and—

OH FUUUUUCK! RUUUUUUUN!!!!!

I kid, I kid. It’s the Big Easy! Speaking of which, I still miss Paula. It’s not the same without her and never will be. There’s NO way they’ll ever be able to replace that trainwreck! Someone with crazy hair, nonsensical babble and a huge mouth?! NEVER!

I take it back. I take it all back.

Here’s Randy doing his best “Timbaland” impression. Probably the closest he’s gonna get to producing something of quality this season.

“Back up bitch – you know this ass needs a 4 foot clearance.”

SemenQuest takes an opportunity to show us a clip from when he was straighter, fatter and hadn’t yet sold his soul to Satan. Oh – and he blows at French. Go figure.

We also got to see him swear in these outtakes as he flubs lines. Which must’ve been a welcome relief for the crew to hear him swear out of the context of “WHERE’S MY @#$% FLUFFER?! AND DID THAT @$%! DICK CLARK DIE YET?! SHIT!”

And before the judges begin, Steven gives us a quick look at what the graveyard of his career looked like before Idol came a knockin’.

Our first contestant of the day is Jordan, who teaches music lessons to kids (awwww!). He says he’s very strict and stern with his students…

“See this body diagram? I’ll be beating you here, here aaand…. here, if you’re not good enough. Good luck!”

Jordan tells the judges he’s a music teacher which usually means “I’m about to set you up for a joke about my students needing a refund”. BUT he knocks it out with “Over the Rainbow”.

Although Steven almost ruins the moments when he rips one. (In his defense his organs ARE 110 years old and mostly made of heroine residue.)

GOOD NEWS! The “Paula Clap” is back! GO J-LO!

J-Lo says it gave her “goose pimples” but I’m pretty sure she just got a skin disease from sitting so close to Steven. And Jordan’s on his way to Hollywood!

There’s no fucking way I’d take food from a guy that looks like this in the middle of a parking lot. Wait. Are those RITZ?! Shit. Ok just this once.

Back from commercial, we’re treated to a shit show montage of crappy contestants.

“NO NO, NO NO WAY, I’M LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!” Yes. Yes you are.

I mean, do these people seriously watch the show and think, “Yeah – yeah I’ll fit right in!”?!? LaRocca from LaPlace should probably get a LaClue.

I love watching how quickly these poor people go from “I’m gonna make it! Nothing can stop me!” to “Where’s the nearest razor blades and bathtub?! BWAHHHH!!!!”

Case in point.

The next contestant has big lips and everyone jokes around that Steven may have @#$%’d her mother. Awesome.

Although if Steven ever nailed Lisa Loeb they could be on to something.

She sings “Feel My Love” and luckily Steven doesn’t take it literally. But he does say he knew she was good “from the moment you laid eyes on me”. GROSS. He just made millions of viewers’ skin crawl. Not to mention giving Lisa Loeb, Jr eye herpes.

I hope they have 2 farm animals for the new Tyler family to swallow whole.

She’s off to Hollywood where Steven can ruin another generation of her family. Congrats!

Next up we have Javony, a shipbuilder who’s in love with Jennifer – especially because she’s married to his idol…

“Hey honey! Your ass looks FAB! Ay dios mio!”

Just kidding Marc Anthony! That’s totally not you! You’re not as buff. Anyways, Jovany said that a couple guys at the shipyard dared him to take his shirt off for J-Lo. Ummmm, what kind of shipyard do you work at?! I mean, what kind of co-worker dares a guy to do that?! Who is this guy?!

Oh. Ok. That makes sense then.

Jovany sings in Spanish and then declares his love to J-Lo. J-Lo well – let’s just say – ummm – they probably had to throw her chair out after this audition. Or bleach it. Then to top if off, Jovany says he “just has to” take off his shirt. WTF?! What does this have to do with anything?! Not to mention he could’ve at least had the foresight to wear a tear-away outfit instead of fumbling with buttons.

World’s grossest “Care Bear Stare!” ever.

After “Tubby Bear” and “Gonorrhea Bear” almost ruin his shot, Jovany finds out that he made it. Here’s hoping that once there he finds bikini girl from previous seasons so they can make many children with zero tact.

OMG you guys look! It’s a new car commercial with a car driving down a WINDY road!!! WHOA! CRAZY! What will they think of next?! But I digress…

Their new sales pitch should be “Fly Qantas: Because the last place you want to be in Australia right now is at sea level.”

Back from commercials, SemenQuest tells us that Randy is from the nearby area of Baton Rouge.

Where he apparently starred in porn.

Randy’s coach (father of a contestant who brings more lil Randy photos) then makes an appearance and Steven asks him if he ever paddled Randy’s ass.

J-Lo’s reaction totally makes me love her. That look says it all: “WTF IS HE DOING HERE?!”

So the coach’s daughter belts out a number that’s a little vanilla but she’s good and she has an ass for miles so you know she’s got J-Lo’s vote. Randy’s also probably a little worried about what other photos she brought with her so he gives her a “yes” too. And Steven likes boobies. So it’s 3 yes’s!

Next up, the love child of Carrot Top and Shawn White.

Oh geeeeez. Now we get the back story. Apparently he was picked on a lot in school.

This could’ve been because he liked to stand in the middle of the hall playing his guitar as people were trying to get to class. This is totally the guy I get behind in EVERY lane of traffic.

So I guess the whole backstory is that he’s weird? I’m sensing “I’m gay” undertones but maybe that’s not it? Then he comes in and blushes when he mentions Steven waived at him in the hallway.

Well, if he’s not gay I’m guessing it was Ryan who taught him to laugh like a Geisha girl.

Then he tells us he uses Baby Oil in his hair. And Steven says he does too. This may be the biggest “overshare” moment in “AI” history. If Ryan comes in and says he uses it on his taint because he’s “so metrosexual” I’m officially turning this off.

Brett then chooses to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” which begins “Momma – just killed a man”. Side note to kids that pick on him at school. Maybe stop. Or learn how to run and scream at the same time.

Anyways, he rocks with his audition since, as JLo mentions, his singing voice is MUCH better than his speaking voice. Good job! That yellow ticket will be nice to bring back to school and tell everyone else to SUCK IT. Every teenage outcast’s dream. That and Steven Tyler covered in Baby Oil. AMIRIGHT?!

A broken leg and a busted face?! What a blast! Sign me up!

Ryan welcomes us back and tells us how it’s been a great day so far – aaaaand cue the losers!

Nice aim, SemenQuest.

Gabrielle is VERY confident which only spells complete disaster. AND he’s singing Lady Gaga. There’s NO WAY this could be anything but a hit!

Claw away JLo, claw away.

You’re doing it wrong! You’re supposed to put a sharp object in your hand! DO OVER!

Yeah so clearly that guy was a friggin’ shit show. I’m guessing he just wanted to get on TV. Congrats. Enjoy the beatings during gym class tomorrow.

Her hips don’t lie but that shadow certainly does.

There’s no reason Sanjay made it through but this guy didn’t. There is no God.

Taking a dump onstage?! Ugh. Wrong audition. X Factor’s down the hall on the left.

Luckily this year they installed a sound alarm in the studio that only extreme doucebags can hear. Good call.

FYI I’m totes gonna be this skinny by spring. YOU’LL SEE!!! BWAHHHH!!!

And BTW, TSA should probably work on better security. I mean, really?

Back from commercial, SemenQuest introduces a few more reasons for birth control…

He’s the new sound alarm I was talking about. He just gave every dolphin off the coast a brain aneurism.

Sadly, a massacre occurred moments later when this man revealed he had a taste for Indian food and a lack of dignity.

Next up, Alex, a young guy that attended “Idol Camp”. He’s… HORRIFIC. You gotta love “AI” for being honest and putting people up there that give their camp a bad name.

Always read the fine print, kids!

Luckily this kid’s nice enough to prevent a purse from flying out and breaking JLo’s nose.

Next up…

Bieber’s totally let himself go.

I kid! It’s actually Jacee, a 15 year old from LaFayette, who busts out a really nice audition. Everyone loves him and Steven goes on to say it’s a “thing of beauty” when he closes his eyes and listens. OUCH. Underhanded compliment?! It’s fine. I’d imagine most women close their eyes and think of their grandpa in order to get through having sex with Steven.

Our final contestant is up and it’s Paris from New Orleans. And boy does she had a sob story. She was prego with a little girl with hydroprophalactis-something-whatever. And her little girl is adorable with all sorts of health problems. Oh crap. I totally teared up. DAMN YOU IDOL AND YOUR PUPPET STRINGS!!! I hate being manipulated. Unless she’s awful and they shut her down. In which case – best set up ever!

AAAAAAND she’s got an amazing voice. JLo cried like when the reviews of “Gigli” came in and the boys fell for her too. Very sweet.

Side note:

Does anyone else think Steven looks like the turtle from “Neverending Story”?

But this story ends on a happy note and Paris gets to go to Hollywood! Have fun girl!

Maybe don’t leave your daughter with this guy though. Chief Just-Crapped-His-Pants.

As we close, we see several of the contestants who made it sharing the great news with friends!

Unless your friend is standing 10 feet away with a tin can and a string, there’s no fucking way he’s hearing your good news. Thank AT&T.

And as SemenQuest bids farewell to New Orleans, he leaves us with one final surprise…

They named a paddle boat after him.

And that’s it!!! Hope everyone enjoyed! What did you think?! Did I miss anything?! Anyone you think is a definite for the finals?! Or the next addition “America’s Most Wanted”?! What about the judges? Come on kids and dish it!