American Idol: Group Therapy (Hugs’N'Hatred)

Welcome music lovers! I am so glad you could join me today, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’ve happened onto the wrong show. This is American Idol, and it’s really only meant to be enjoyed by tweens and reality-TV drama addicts. On this show, the music is either completely incidental (when it’s good) or suicide-inducing (when it’s bad, which is most of the time, even in the finale)…

yay, we’re ready to annoy America for another sixteen weeks!

I know from whence I speak, because I have a long and fretful relationship with American Idol, stretching back to the first season when it was fresh and new, and it was fun to watch mentally ill people get taunted on television. However, as the seasons have dragged on (and on and on and on) it’s starting to just seem, well, mean. Not to mention far too easy…

ok, truth be told, I’ll still make fun of her, but it’s no challenge

That’s why I was actually pretty happy to have landed the always fun and exciting “Group Round” for my stab at AI tonight. In case you’ve been living as a prisoner-of-war, a politician or a Kardashian for these last ten years, let me explain what goes on: this is where the producers of American Idol force people with completely discordant personalities to work together as a singing group so they can have lots of dramatic blow-ups and get cut and sent home. The best part about this episode is that It has nothing to do with how talented of a singer you are. Errr, well, I guess if I’m being honest, you could actually say that about every episode of American Idol. But for realsies, you could have pipes like Aretha Franklin, but if you get thrown into a GFH (Group From Hell™) you will still eventually find yourself lipsynging “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” in a wig and falsies on a Gay Pride stage somewhere. Not that that’s bad, mind you. I’ll be there, too, and I’ll prolly give you a dollar. Then I’ll grab your boobs and maybe barf a little on your shoes. So, see, you should aim higher for your life. I beg of you.

Anyhow, before we get too depressed thinking about how sucky our lives are these days (if only we had a tv singing competition to lift us up and give us hope!) let’s jump on into the mad wackiness of American Idol Group Night…

most. dramatic. crosswalk. EVAH.

At first I thought Gaycrest was going to come on and say someone got hit from one of those speeding cars, but no, all the drama is going to take place inside the Pasadena Civic Auditorium there. He does tell us that 168 people have survived the “brutal cuts” of Day 1 and Day 2′s auditions, which is completely ridiculous, because if they were really being brutal, we’d be down to the Final 24 already. If by “brutal” they meant “merciful”. Anyhow, everybody’s super-excited and relieved and feeling like they’ve accomplished something (when honestly, the last two days were used as nothing more than a means to weed out fuggos and fatties, so all these people have really accomplished is having decent looks and not being too bloated)…

next stop: getting rid of people with an affinity for hideous scarves

Ahhh, but there is no rest for our weary Idoleers, because immediately they have head back into the auditorium to form a group and pick a song to perform. And they only have one night to perfect it! And add dorky choreography! It’s haaaaaard! We cut to a bunch of people looking relaxed and confident and singing well together. This is the last time we will see them like this for the rest of this TWO HOUR EPISODE.

Gaycrest says “Group Round” is notorious for “the toughest part” of the Hollywood Month Week part of this show… and they’re about to make it tougher. See, all those people who were lucky enough to audition on Day One, well, they all got together and decided to start forming their groups during Day Two, when the other half of the remaining 8,397,264 contestants were auditioning. They’ve had an extra day to pick a song, learn the lyrics, figure out how to step-touch-step-touch-step-touch-twirl in unison, and generally try to give themselves a totally unfair advantage.

Ah ah ah, but the producers are not about to make it easy on anybody, so to even the playing field they decree all groups must contain members from both Day One and Day Two…

“Your group must also have a sassy black girl, a hick with a twang, a skanky orange slut, a bitchy Gaysian and a scary sociopathic-looking white dude!”

about to be wildly popular for the first (and last) time

Hahaha, now the room is in total chaos, with people randomly calling out for either Day One or Day Two people and generally looking panicked. I get that same look when I discover my BF has eaten the rest of the ice cream in the house. In any case, finding this especially hard is a group containing Denise Jackson (sassy black girl!) and Brett Loewenstern (skanky orange slut!) who at first think they’ve found their Day Two Knight In Shining Armor™ (even though the guy is inexplicably dressed as an overstuffed Asian throw-pillow)… but then their silk-screened schlubbo-”savior” wanders off and joins another group entirely when their backs are turned…

uhhhh, trust, you guys totally dodged a bullet here

Luckily, Jessica Yance from the Austin auditions joins them, and she’s actually pretty, so, crisis averted! Welcome to the “Sugar Mamas”, Jess! What’s that you’re asking? Why is the group still called that when you have a boy like Brett in it?…

ummmm, ’nuff said

I’m going to call him Gayrrot Top for the rest of this recap. And speaking of hairily mustachioed orange things, it’s time to check in with Joisey Goil Tiffany Rios, a.k.a. Star Boobs. Well, she decided to make the following comment during her Day One audition, in which she addressed the entire theatre and said “I’m gonna be honest, I’m tired of seeing people try to do what I know I can!”…

you mean alienate everyone in 6 seconds or less?

But see, she was wearing a big honkin’ cross when she said that, which means she was just doing her holy duty to tell the truth (as Jesus would have undoubtedly wanted her to do) so it’s totally not about being a huge bitch. Anyhow, she’s glancing around the chaotic auditorium and trying to hide her worry by feigning nonchalant confidence: “I actually could probably go to any group right now and go into it… but I want to scope first.”…

guess she means “scope” in the Snooki’s-First-Gang-Bang sense

KIDDING! Star Boobs may be delusional and dress like a ho-bag, but she wouldn’t stoop to sleeping with people to be in their singing group. Yet. It’s just so weird how we suddenly get a montage of her attempting to join about fifty or sixty groups, and all of them tell her no. I don’t understand it. She doesn’t, either: “I’m the only professional choreographer in this place and no one wants to have me?”…

“It’s not like I insulted everybody, or said I was better than all of them or anything!”

Yeah, it’s so strange that these people are treating this like a singing show instead of the dance show that Star Boobs clearly believes it to be, which would explain her touting her awesome “professional choreographer” skills. Sorry to burst your bubble, Boobsy, but I’m a big fat forty year old homo, and even *I* can say I am a “professional choreographer”… all that means is that you’ve been paid for it. Anyhow, it’s sorta sad when Star Boobs’ delusions start to crack under the weight of reality, because she skanks her way up to another group and asks if they want her in it. They come back with a lightning-fast “NO!” She starts to walk on, then stops and asks “Are you being serious?” and the whipcrack answer is “Yes, we’re dead serious.” BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahh, but luckily for her, her delusion eventually takes over again and she believes it’s just a “protest against Tiffany from New Joisey”.

Another one having trouble finding a group is an auditioner from the Milwaukee show named Scotty McCreery. He reminds me of a straight Clay Aiken, but I think that’s just the ears, his voice is nowhere near as pleasing…

and he’s only about half as good-looking

Star Boobs accosts McCreepy and lets it be known she is groupless as well. She is amazed that he hasn’t heard her sing yet. He asks her to sing something and she gets all pissy, “Like you’re the prize and I’m the second? You sing for me!” McCreepy just glares and says he doesn’t need this shit right now, so she backs down and starts caterwauling. She’s right, I’m amazed he hasn’t heard her sing yet, because her unholy wailing would penetrate the bunkers of NORAD. So, is she successful in convincing him to join forces with her?…

you tell me, which one looks embarrassed and which one of them is currently on their knees with their mouth open?

Although I can’t tell if McCreepy’s embarrassment is because she looks so pathetic and desperate or if it’s because he’s been caught without a cowboy hat to hide those ears, but he hems and haws and says he needs to check with another group and then runs away like he’s afraid her orange vagina might have it’s own gravitational pull. But Star Boobs is nothing if not shameless, and she winds up heading over to where the Sugar Mamas are rehearsing and steals away Jessica Yance, their badly-needed Day Two-er. What a bitch! I mean both of them! This is fun! In any case, the newly-found BFFs just need to find one more asshole singer to bring their group up to the requisite number of three. Poor Sugar Mamas…

sad Gayrrot Top

But then, they all spot McCreepy and go ask him to join them. He acts like a total dick again, wanting them to audition for him (like having him is some guarantee of success, just wait, you won’t believe this guy) and when Gayrrot Top launches into a soulful wail of Duffy’s “Mercy” he just turns his back and walks away like a complete asshole. So the Sugar Mamas are denied their Day Two insulin again. This is why it’s supremely gratifying when McCreepy attempts to join Jordan Dorsey’s group, and they force him to sing for them. The second he opens his mouth and his completely overblown cowboy twang comes sidling out, JorDork is an immediate NO. Sorry McCreepy, you just might have to hook up with Star Boobs after all. Ew.

Then again, we find out fairly quickly that JorDork’s pretty much an asshole himself, as he seems to be vetoing everyone who tries to join their group because they aren’t up to his standards…

“I’m here to create ‘Day 27‘!”

Oh please, these people should just concentrate on getting through to the next round, but it never ceases to amaze me how many of them get hung up on details that just don’t matter. And that’s why we love to watch. Anyhow, they find a guy named Shane who sounds a lot like John Legend (only slightly taller) and after an hour and 45 minutes, they begin to rehearse. JorDork should be pleased, right? Wait and see.

Meanwhile Star Boobs and Traitor Jess are still looking for someone to join them and make them a musical ménage à trois, and now it seems Boobsy has finally realized she can’t afford to hold on to her silly pointless (and completely misplaced) pride, so she grabs the main mic and yells out into the auditorium “Does anyone wanna be in our group? Show of hands. Please?”…

cheep… cheep… cheep… cheap…

She decides to take her self-humiliation to the next level and starts yowling into the mic with a gleam of utter lunacy in her eyes… aaaaaand shockingly there are still no offers. At least, not to join her singing group. I think several people offered to remove her vocal cords with a butter knife, though. Eventually she and Traitor Jess are unable to find anyone stupid enough to join their group (which should really be called “Tit-anic” at this point) so they go talk to the producers and are allowed to just remain a duo! Wait, what??!? That’s such bullshit, the producers should have either stepped in, split them up and found them each a group, or sent their asses back home to Joisey… oh well, we’ll see how this all works out later on.

McCreepy’s not having any luck, either, and he even tries to join the group that stole Silky Schlubbo Throw Pillow away from the Sugar Mamas, but they tell him they already have five people…

and now we find out McCreepy is a little slow on the uptake as well

Again, I think he dodged a bullet, because we never hear from this group again. Anyhow, he talks to another group, but is concerned about “what kind” of dancing they’re planning on doing, because he’s “not no daggone Michael Jackson”. Sadly, he doesn’t realize his use of a double-negative implied that he is, in fact, a daggone Michael Jackson, and when he can’t deliver on this promise, the group sends him moonwalking (badly) out of their lives.

Ahhh, but perhaps he has found a group that will take him, this time a foursome calling themselves “The Guaps” headed up by a queen calling himself Clint Jun Gamboa (who has apparently written music for the film “The Room“… which, incidentally, is considered to be one of the worst films ever made, right on up there with Idol‘s own shitfest From Justin To Kelly, so it’s no wonder Clint isn’t bringing his “professional experience” up on TV). In any case, Cunt immediately gets on my last nerve as I notice he favors fake plastic eye-wear…

emulating famous douchebags is no way to un-douche yourself

Why am I calling this guy Cunt? And not apologizing? Because he is one, and that fact will be crystalline before too long. In any case, the Guaps also took on 15 year old chub-in-training Jacee Badeaux, and now that they’re being saddled with McCreepy, Cunt is getting all diva-like and saying he has “mixed emotions” about having “these extra two people” in his awesome group. It’s pretty clear that “mixed emotions” = “hate fat kids and country twang”.

Let’s go look at some other people, K? A group calling themselves “The Hits” have decided to bring wacknut Day Two-er Ashley Sullivan into their group…

clearly they did not see the aftermath of Ashley’s first audition

This is the girl who cried her way into Hollywood during the New Jersey auditions. I think they gave her the Golden Ticket to keep her from self-harming right in front of them. I’m sure she will make a stable addition to The Hits, right? A girl who has eye-bags at 22 and cries inconsolably if they forget her extra-mayo on her Whopper Junior at Burger King? Totes solid!

Now we have a montage of people complaining about how hard it is to hear themselves singing with 168 people in 39 groups all practicing in the same space. Some of them wind up “rehearsing” in the bathroom…

when you see guys making these kind of hand and mouth movements in a bathroom, they usually aren’t singing

Wouldn’t it have been awesome if these guys had called themselves “The Bee-Jays”? It might have totally slipped by the producers! No, instead they’re calling themselves the totally trite “Brothers From Another Mother”, and thankfully we never hear from them again.

Instead we get to meet a group of 15- and 16-year-olds who are calling themselves “The Minors” (I call them “Jailbait”) and they are not endearing themselves to me by being all cocky about their youth. One girl named Keonna Evans says (with the arrogance only a jobless teenager can pull off) that they will do better “because young people don’t stress as much as older people do… we’re just young and free-livin’ so I think we have an advantage…”

ummm, I think you meant “free-loading” Little Miss Dependent-On-Older-People

I’m sorta kidding here, I don’t think she really means that shit, she’s just ignorant of the fact that a lot of other people have had to quit their jobs to come to the audition, and doesn’t yet understand that older people stress because we have to worry about things like the economy and gas prices and budget-sucking overseas wars and terrorism and getting cancer and having no health-care and making enough money to keep snotty little teenage bitches adorned in skullcaps and hair extensions. Anyhow, Gaycrest is pimping these kids hard, talking about their amazing “boundless energy” and “new dance moves”…

hate to burst your young-people-bubbles, but Scott Stapp of Creed already perfected the “Crucified Jesus” move way back in 2000

Naturally, due to their underage stature, these kids all brought their Stage Moms with them, who are making sure to control direct and nag advise and second-guess critique their every move. The Stage Moms tell us that their kids are gonna “rock it” and that America better get ready, and this sounds like it has turned into an episode of Toddlers And Tiaras. Then the moms start to sing and dance and we realize that their childrens’ talent is clearly not genetic.

I was wondering when we were going to have to look at that douchehawked dude James Durbin… you might remember him as the Adam Lambert-wannabee guy who has a kid and no job, yet seems to have enough cash to have bought out the entire Hot Topic Jewelry Line… oh yeah, and in case you didn’t already feel sorry for him because of those things, he made sure to tell us that he has not only Tourette’s Syndrome, but also Asperger’s Syndrome… I’m waiting for him to say he has menopause, too, because he doesn’t seem all that bright. Anyhow, he’s kinda pissed off by Jailbait and their ever-present Stage Moms, complaining that it’s unfair that other young kids there are choreographing their own stuff without adult help, and asserts that “maybe Idol isn’t the competition for Stage Moms?”

“My mom can’t be here because she’s dead. From prostate cancer. And a car accident. Cuz she was hit by a bus full of orphaned Chinese babies.”

Is he kidding? Idol was made for Stage Moms! Does no one remember the fetus David Archuleta and his wonderfully wacky proletariat-champion (and all around nutjob) dad? I think Ass Burger here needs to shut it. In any case, what’s also bothering him is the fact that Jailbait is doing the same Queen song (“Somebody To Love”) that his group (inexplicably called “The Deep V’s”) is doing. He’s loftily spouting off about how “You gotta be your own artist!” Which is interesting considering how much he tries to sound exactly like Hambert. Case in point, he and a fellow Deep V-er (what the hell does that even stand for? Deep Voices? Deep V-necks? Deep Vaginas?) go over and check out Jailbait’s rehearsals and conclude they have nothing to worry about because their group is going to keep the classic rock feel of the original tune. Then Ass Burger cuts loose with his copycat Hambert screech…

causing his own group member to become completely tone-deaf

Now we come to the biggest time-sucking group of this entire episode. They’re calling themselves “Three’s Company” and they consist of Rob Bolin, Chelsee Oaks and Jacqueline Dunford. You might remember Jackie, whose boyfriend Nick Fink was also in the competition, at least until the previous day when he got cut and then nearly had to be forcibly removed by security because he wouldn’t accept his dismissal. In any case, Jackie’s was devastated at the time, but it’s been, like, a whole day now, and she still seems to be taking the loss of her beloved very hard…

no, really, hair-primping = heartbroken

Um, yeah, truthfully she looks like she’s totally over it. And poor Nick, well, he looked like maybe he was a little unbalanced by the whole thing. If she’s not careful and doesn’t show a little more grief, she might come home to find Nick having taken an interest in anal-retentive hand-towel and canned-goods arranging, and loudly playing clunky Berlioz selections at the oddest moments, like during their lovemaking…

welcome home, Jackie-dear

Making this even more uncomfortable is the fact that Rob the Blob and Chelseee are ex-lovers and not really on speaking terms, although Blob claims he has “so many things” he wants to say to her, but there’s so much “built-up tension”…

guess which one of them wants to get back together?

How sad that he doesn’t get the clue from Chelseeee’s body language (and the fact that she’s hanging out next to a garbage can) that she wishes he would never touch her ever again. In any case, it turns out that Blob’s not a good dancer (I’ve seen rotten sacks of moldy potatoes with more grace than this guy) and Jackie’s hoping to be able to cover that up. She also claims that they are all having equal say in what “Three’s Company” does, but then Blob gives us a nice paranoid little sound-bite where he alleges Jackie’s lying and is controlling everything in conjunction with his Ex Chelseeeee. “I’m screwed!” he complains, looking for sympathy…

and now I’m changing their name to “Cancelled Sitcom”

Seriously? They haven’t even performed yet, and this guy clearly is the weak one of the group and yet he’s complaining about someone else taking leadership of their group? I’m getting a very strong asshat vibe from Blob, and I wish we could just send the three of them home right now. I don’t feel sorry for Jackie’s crazy BF getting sent home, and I don’t feel sorry for Chelseeeeee and Blob at all because they’re acting totally passive-aggressive towards each other the way all busted-up couples do when they stupidly decide to continue working in a creative environment together. Ugh, I’m done.

Let’s head back over and see how things are going for The Hits (or The sHit as I have redubbed them). Looks like Ashley’s holding up pretty well under the rehearsal pressure…

that’s her in the gray hoodie

Her other group members are being really sweet and giving her excuse-passes for being tired from having auditioned that day and blah blah blah, but when Crashley finally gets up the courage to poke her head out from her hoodie-cocoon it’s clear that she is losing her shit…

totally having fun here

Yeah, now suddenly she can’t deal with the cameras and the pressure to sing in front of people and she wants to go hooooome! Fucking. Hate. Bitches. Like. This. For reals, she’s totally fucking things up the rest of the members of The sHit, because she was their Day Two person, and with her leaving it means they now have to go find someone else to be in their group (and they might get stuck with Star Boobs, which is a fate worse than slow death by paper cuts). These other girls are being super kind and supportive and yet begging her to reconsider at the same time, but nooooo, Crashley just can’t haaaaandle it, so she goes and finds a producer to whine to…

“…that I’m being such a wuss on TV after I cried about how much I waaaaanted this.”

God, please go home already. Except we all know she’s not going anywhere or they wouldn’t be bothering to show us this crap. The producer naturally tells her to go find someplace quiet to sit and think about it (and waste some more of her group’s time as they wait for her to make up her mind) and of course she takes that “advice”, deciding to curl up in the arms of her boyfriend on the quiet downtown street while waving those pesky evil cameras away. She did realize this is a TV show, didn’t she?

Things are about to get extremely ugly for the self-styled handsome Guaps under the tutelage of terrible-movie-music-”star” Cunt Gamboa…

pretty goddamned cocky for someone who looks so much like fucking William Hung in safety goggles

Cunt made it pretty clear (via mature passive-aggressive commentary) that he was okay with McCreepy’s insane (and apparently uncontrollable) twang, but did not care for Jacee Badeaux cluttering up his group of beautiful people with his ugly fatness, so when the Guaps move from the auditorium to the Convention Center area, they unceremoniously kick Jacee out of their group. A clearly relieved-sounding Cunt snots that they “had to” kick him out because he himself is “a stickler for people holding their notes”, but then he says adding Jacee to their group was the wrong thing to do “as far as, like, choreography” goes. Because everybody knows that fat people can’t dance…

my fat drag queen friends and I salute you, Cunt

The other female group members disagree with his assholish (and completely superficial) decision, saying they liked Jacee, but Cunt just laughs them off, and McCreepy just sits there with his mouth shut, lest he be the one booted instead. For Jacee’s part, he takes this awful rejection with a maturity and grace far beyond his years, telling them it’s okay and for them to have fun, and holding himself together pretty well as he walks away without making any nasty remarks or breaking down begging. He’s letting these bitches off the hook way too easily…

can you spot the big gay fuckstain in this picture?

And because the Idol producers think we’re all idiots and can’t read between the lines, they make sure to get a good long shot at the real reason Jacee’s being dismissed from this group…

thanks for the head-bludgeon producers, we get it already

It is now 1am, and young Jacee (who doesn’t appear to have a Stage Mom hovering over his every move) has to go find a group to join. As he starts making the rounds, even the other groups can’t quite believe someone could have been so downright mean as to kick this kid out of their group and tell him to go find someone else to sing with. He’s starting to get a little sniffly and cry a little, and I don’t blame this kid at all, I have a pretty damned thick skin, and I think even *I* would have sunk into a puddle in the middle of the floor at being treated so rudely. Anyhow, eventually he goes and finds his parents to tell them what’s up, and what is his sweet mom’s advice? “Above all, have fun.” and then she assures him that being part of that group of assholes people just wasn’t meant to be. So Jacee trudges off to try and find another group to sing with. Hopefully he gives Star Boobs a wide berth.

This is making me way too sad, let’s watch some other asshole be a dick to people. Remember JorDork? Remember how he was so hard on everyone that was trying to get into “his” group? Well, now he hates his own group because they chose a song that he thinks is “extremely fast” so he takes off for another group mid-stream. Now he’s a part of “Four Plus One”…

shoulda gone with “The Schnoz-Ettes”, it’s more honest

while these guys can be “The Bitter Oreo”

Back over with jittery headcase Crashley, she’s come to a shocking decision. She’s talked it over with her boyfriend and she’s gonna stay! Woo hoo. I’m sure the other members of The sHit will be relieved that she’s wasted an hour and a half of their rehearsal time with these shenanigans, but they’re all still super-sweet and take her back with open arms…

or they’re smiling with relief as they enjoy the satisfaction of trying to dismember her with their bare hands

Back over at the Sugar Mamas (where Gayrrot Top has finally realized the androgynous implications of the name and wisely changed it to “Sugar Mamas and the Baby” to accommodate his pesky penis) they are on the verge of breaking up because they have no Day Two-er and therefore will have to find other groups to sing in. How artfully arranged by the producers lucky for them that Gayrrot Top bumps into Jacee and finds out he’s from Day Two. BINGO! Now the Sugar Mamas have TWO Babies! Jacee’s gonna have to bust his ass to learn the song, because he doesn’t know “Mercy” at all. He hasn’t been shown any tonight, that’s for sure.

It’s now 3am and people are starting to take off to get some sleep. This includes Star Boobs and Traitor Jess, who are still insisting that everyone else made a huge mistake by not picking them. Boobsy is also wearing her giant buglike sunglasses indoors, at night, so I can’t take anything she says seriously. Not getting to rest, though, is Cancelled Sitcom, mostly because the Blob is digging in his heels and refusing to even try…

clearly destined to become the next American Idol

Blob is complaining that he doesn’t dance with people or perform with people, “I’m a musician!” he whines. Great, another legend in his living room. I think we all know how this is going to turn out already, so I’m not wasting any more time on him.

Daybreak! No one has had any sleep of significance, and now they know what it’s like to be a recapper with a full-time job. As they gather together in the Hollywood theatre location, they’re offered some advice by the judges…

“Get your hands on some dexedri–, I mean, coffee!”

“Marry a super-fug guy, he’ll never leave you.”

“Yo pitchy dawg yo-yo feelin’ hot skedaddle bipsy-bomb kerfuffle what what what?”

Well that was helpful. Actually Randy told them to not forget the words, which we know about half of them will do. Sometimes I think they could just show the same group round episode every single year, it’s become that predictable. And why is Randy dressed entirely in Braille?…

or is he a walking Seasonale commercial?

I imagine thinking of Randy Jackson would be a pretty good boner-killer, so the contraception theme fits. Anyhow the first group up to perform is three chicks we’ve not seen before (because they had no drama and were therefore unworthy of face-time on camera) and they’re doing “Grenade” by Bruno Mars… I don’t know this song, I was hoping it was inspired by all the fuggos parading through that tacky house on Jersey Shore, but instead it seems to be whiny hyperbole-filled complaint rock. Seriously, ladies, would any of you believe it if some guy said he’d catch a grenade, shove his hand onto a knife or jump in front of a train for you? How would any of those things help you anyhow, all they’d do is run up medical (and mortuary) bills. In any case, these girls are pretty good, they’re mostly in tune and most of their harmonies are true (not to mention they were able to get their step-touch-step-touch-step-touch-twirl down pat). On the downside, all three of them are pretty damned nasal and kinda forgettable. But they have tits, so STy makes sure all three of them are through to the next round. Yay.

Next we have to relive the harsh trauma of JorDork leaving Bitter Oreo behind and the joining The Schnoz-Ettes. Didn’t we just see this same footage twenty minutes ago? Oh, except now we get some trash-talking on both sides about which group is better, and the Schnoz-Ettes are up first, taking aim at the Jackson Five’s “I Want You Back”…

he shoulda been named LaJordan LaDorsey, or maybe just LaBitch

Honestly? This guy isn’t that good, he’s almost off-key for a good chunk of his part because he’s paying more attention to dancing well than singing well. Then Schnozzy guy gets his shot and unsurprisingly he is the King Of Nasal Tones. Also, one of their girls has completely boned all of their choreography and they end with a typical boy-band pose…

and Schnozzy can’t pass up making The Jazz Hand™

I shouldn’t make fun of him for doing that, because that used to be my preferred stance if we had to hit a Random End Pose in one of our production numbers. What can I say, it made me look taller. I stopped doing it since I got so much fatter because it only tends to emphasize the largesse of my belly, so these days I do more of an arms-wide “w’sup?” gangsta pose. And JorDork’s dickish behavior is rewarded, they’re all through. Bitter Oreo is pissed, but now it’s their turn to do Cee-Lo Green’s “Fuck You” only they’re doing the G-rated “Forget You” version. Guess which one I like better? They seem to be doing pretty well, although one of their girls (Lauren Turner) isn’t quite hitting all of her vocal runs cleanly, she’s sounding kinda screamy but she’s no worse than what we heard coming from JorDork…

even though earlier she looked like death warmed over

There were a lot of people dancing around in the auditorium during their performance, and it seemed like everything was going great… and then J-Lo does that lame-ass thing where she calls all four of them to dramatically step forward one at a time… because they’re all through, too. Thanks for setting that up, Idol, and you didn’t even send anyone home! Fuckers. Oh well, Bitter Oreo got to remain a Double-Stuf after all. They all make sure to give a hearty “Forget You” in JorDork’s direction for good measure.

And now, we get to see Star Boobs and Traitor Jess perform. Before they even start J-Lo whispers that she’s scared of them. She should be, because they’re calling themselves “Rebel Star” and they’re sitting on the stage…

which naturally leads Star Boobs into her favorite position

They’re singing “Irreplaceable” by Beyoncé, which is a song I would gladly never hear ever again (the drag queens have done this one to death, even in Spanish, I’m just sick sick sick sick sick of it) and now that these two bimbos have fucked it, beaten it and left it for dead on the Idol stage I think I will always feel stabby when it comes on. It is really bad, y’all, Star Boobs is all over the place (in every sense of the word) she can’t seem to keep the melody in tune, which is making Traitor Jess’ timid harmony sound awful, too. Watching their terrible performance you can see that STy is absolutely horrified…

and trying to keep in mind what he liked about her first audition

Eventually they just can’t take it any more and Randy actually cuts them off mid-song! Ouch! Also, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He wants to know why there are only two of them. Star Boobs neglects to mention that it’s because she’s a huge bitch, but honestly, she doesn’t have to, Randy was there. He tells them it was really bad, and they both say “Ohmygawwd?” in unison…

the sound of the wind whistling between their ears is preventing them from understanding the letters G, T, F and O

Star Boobs just can’t believe it, and tosses any shred of dignity into the wind by begging in a lascivious manner: “There is nothing you can do, to like, try and give us another day to see what we can do dance-wise and performance-wise? I sang for you three times before!” At this point Traitor Jess is more than embarrassed enough that she threw her support behind this cow, and she tries to get Star Boobs to shut up and stop embarrassing herself as well, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, she’s determined to go down in flames, insisting that special arrangements be made for her (um, they already have by letting you be a part of a duo, remember?) and Randy just repeats that it’s the end of the line.

Outside, Gaycrest asks Star Boobs what she thinks she could have done differently to make a better impression, and she says she honestly wishes she could have just been part of a group. Awwww. Well, next time don’t be such a hag to everyone and maybe they’ll invite you to join, K?…

way replaceable

Well, that was fun! And now we never have to see Star Boobs again until the inevitable “comedy” segments during the Finale, where she’ll undoubtedly take the Tatiana Del Toro Memorial Slot™ in the program.

Next up, some more manufactured filler drama! One of the members of the group “Spanglish” overslept and is still at the hotel while his group prepares to go on stage without him! Will he make it to the theatre in time before they have to go on? Nope, and now they would have us believe that the entire audition process has ground to a halt waiting for this one guy to show up, which gives STy the chance to play drums for everyone. So glad this was expanded to two hours. Finally Late-Ass Latino shows up and their group gets to yowl out another Bruno Mars song, “Just The Way You Are”…

wait, who are these people again?

That’s the stupid thing about trying to manufacture sudden drama for people we don’t know and are not invested in… will they make it? Who cares? All I can tell you is that Late-Ass has a pretty awesome voice, he’s right on pitch and sounds very sweet. I bet he gets a pass for being late a lot. J-Lo was gazing at him (and fellow Spanglish member Jovany) with open lust, but then this guy named Jorge (in the gray vest) takes over and thoroughly vanquishes any pleasure she was taking from the song…

it’s ironic, this is the exact same face I made after listening to her album “Rebirth”

Yup, that’s the album that us J-Lo fans like to call “Abortion”. Anyhow they end their draggy arrangement on a particularly sour chord, and I was thinking they should all get cut, but here’s where STy’s dain bramage kicks in, because he tells Jovany, Jorge and the girl Karen that they’re all through. Wait, what? They cut Late-Ass Kevin??!? ¡Pinche pendejo Esteban! Kevin sounded the best out of all of them! Oh, wait, STy apologizes, something isn’t right, and now J-Lo is furiously whispering to him that he just fucked up, and actually, it’s just Jovany and Karen that are moving on…

ai, lo siento pobrecito Jorge

Next, we have a group of girls who insist that STy come up on stage and sit in a chair while they sing to him. If they only knew how much that pains his replacement hip it would probably take some of the sex-factor out of their performance of Grand Funk Railroad’s “Some Kind Of Wonderful”…

mark my words, this song will be in a Boniva commercial before the month is out

Well, that was lame. And it didn’t really work for most of them, because only the leather-clad blonde girl (Lauren) got through, the rest of ‘em were cut and now bitterly wish they had shoved STy off the stage while they had the chance.

Hey, here’s another group we know next to nothing about! The “Nashville Stars”. That’s great, name your group after a rival show, dumbasses. This group has some guy named Colton Dixon and his awful haircut, and also “good ole country boy” Matt Dillard…

and thanks to his sleeve-aversion, we were introduced to his old man armpits as well

I know plenty of big bubba-like country boys, some of them from tiny little Southern towns, and not one of them would ever show up on TV wearing bib overalls with a tank top. Some things are just too stereotypical, and it makes me wonder if good ole Country Boy Dullard showed up in a sweet button-down and nice jeans and the producers told him to go home and get him some Hee-Haw-Wear™ on. Anyhow, the backstory we’re supposed to care about here is the fact that this group gave up and turned in around 2:30 am, while Dullard wanted to continue rehearsing. Could they have used it for their countrified version of Bruno Mars’ “Just The Way You Are”? Well, Dullard sure could have, because he’s totally off…

in fact, I would bet he sounds as bad as that dirty old manure-encrusted cowboy hat smells

Also? He forgets the lyrics. Which to me is a fucking crime that is perpetrated time and again on this damned show. I’m sorry, but it is not hard to learn the lyrics to one song in a night! Especially not when half the lyrics of that particular song are repeated phrases! Anyhow, Colton Dixon is the only one from this group of five that’s moving on, Dullard’s headed back to Tennessee to search for more ways he can embarrass proud Southerners.

Now we get a montage of suckage, with more destruction of “Irreplaceable” (please, people, just stop it, even Beyoncé doesn’t really sound like Beyoncé, that’s a program called ProTools), more people forgetting words, more eardrum-busting wails… wait a minute, these people are supposed to be the best in all of America? You can hear this level of singing any night of the week at any karaoke bar in the nation! Now a girl named Paris Tassin is fucking up Rihanna’s “Only Girl In The World” (and if you can’t outsing Rihanna, then you’d best just stay the fuck home, K kids?) and apparently J-Lo is torn because she made such a deep connection with this girl at her audition (I don’t remember her, I can only guess there must be some sort of Sob Story™ involved) but in the end J-Lo cuts her for sounding like shit…

while I would have cut her simply for eerily looking so much like sKara DioBitchi

A bunch of other people get sent home, including that weird Emily chick from San Francisco whose house burned down, and that’s terrible and all, but honestly, how marketable is someone who sounds like Betty Boop supposed to be?

FINALLY we come back to some people we know, and that’s Crashley and the sHit. They’re doing Blu Cantrell’s “Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)” and I am shocked to say, they are killing it! No, I mean in a good way…

go figure that a bitter breakup song would be right in Crashley’s wheelhouse

They are actually hitting the harmonies, and their choreography is spot on. At the end they even make a money rain for themselves, it’s way cute. I’m also starting to wonder if Crashley’s weirdness isn’t just an act to get face time and people to feel sorry for her, she seemed way too comfortable onstage…

eh, who cares, she is insanity at it’s finest

Randy tells them they have had the best harmonies of the day, and they’re all going through! Did anybody not see that coming? Yeah, I’m not shocked, either. Bored stiff, but not shocked.

Ah crap, and it’s not going to get any better, because we’re back with Jailbait again, watching their Stage Moms dominate and control and micromanage their every move…

while enjoying some fine healthy tobacco products for themselves

I don’t hate smokers, I’m just pissed off that I can’t be one anymore. I miss it, and anytime I have to see it on TV or in the movies it just reminds me all over again how much fun I had blowing hard-earned cash on a product that could slowly kill me. In any case, Jailbait’s rival group (the stupidly named Deep Vaginas) are going to be the first to do their version of Queen’s “Somebody To Love”. So how do they do?…

well, if you can make GayCrest turn his back and frown when there are nubile young men on stage…

This is the group that contains Ass Burger, and naturally he gets to end it with another one of his horrible Hambert screeches. Sorry, but the only person I can think of that has the true ability to bend notes that far and not sound completely out of control… is Patti LaBelle. And Ass Burger ain’t Patti…

didn’t they see how doing this didn’t work for Star Boobs earlier?

They were pretty awful, and Randy even makes fun of Ass Burger’s glory note, J-Lo says their harmonies were “almost painful” and says it was like a bad Glee audition. I guess J-Lo hasn’t watched the show lately, cuz that’s pretty much how everything would sound if they didn’t have Auto-Tune. Anyways, I was hoping that this would be our chance to finally be rid of Ass Burger and his pseudo-rocker bullshit, but no, he and a guy named Caleb are staying. Fuuuuuuck!

Naturally this is the cue for the Stage Moms to be giant bitches and talk shit about the Deep Vaginas’ performance as if they were music experts or vocal coaches or recappers or something…

sorry, but those who wear leopard print in public forfeit the right to speak or critique

Also, way to teach your kids how to be graceful in light of someone else’s failure by snottily glorying in the Vagina’s losses. Your little group of entitled bastards haven’t performed yet, I sure hope no one claps or giggles or does the happy dance if any of them get sent home. Ah well, we’re about to find out, because Jailbait is taking the stage. Little Miss Dependent Keonna does okay, but she’s not overtly awesome, and neither is the other girl Sarina, but the boys Jalen, Felix and DeAndre are pretty impressive…

even if he makes Painful Pooface™ when he goes into his falsetto voice

So what did the Judges think? OMG, they’re giving it a standing O??!??! Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, they were pretty good, and certainly above their age level, but I felt like the girls in The sHit were better sounding, and here’s why: these kids just don’t have enough experience yet to carry off a song with this much longing and desire for love. They can’t emote it, because they haven’t lived it yet. The only person who has ever even come close with it is George Michael, and even his version is just a mite too slick.

In any case, this is where I begin to suspect that Idol very badly wants to have a 15 year old winner and is pimping these kids for that very purpose. They want us to remember them so that hopefully they won’t be stuck with another fogie like 24 year old Lee DeWyze when the Finale rolls around, and then they will have their very own Justin Beiber-ette to boss around and take in tween girls’ parents’ money by the fistful. And here I am helping them by writing about it, so I suck, too. And I’m stopping now, all five of the Jailbait members are through…

destiny’s brattier child

One last thing… Little Miss Dependent Keonna says that when this episode airs she’s going to record it and watch it over and over again. If she’s so convinced of her youthful invincibility then I think someone should show her the entire (one and only) season of American Juniors. I bet those kids bore people to tears with their recorded TV performances, too. Ugh, let’s move on, I’m starting to lose my will to live…

and seeing this dickbag again isn’t helping

Yes, it seems Cancelled Sitcom is still having major troubles with the Blob, who is now “incapacitated” from lack of sleep and/or any kind of stage charisma. Jackie is contemplating tasing him to wake him up before they go onstage. Now that would be fun to see! Unlike what’s going on back inside the theatre…

looks like Johnny Mnemonic here is having some trouble remembering lyrics

If you can’t remember the words to that awful “Grenade” song then you should get the hell off my TV. Thankfully, that’s the one nice thing Randy Jackson does for us all tonight, along with two others from this group of losers. Even more annoying, one of the guys who made it through has the balls to stand up there and ask why he made it through (I don’t understand it either, he sounded like complete shit to me, and he forgot a lot of the lyrics, too). I was hoping Randy would do me another solid and change his mind and eject this douche so we don’t have to see him again, but nope, Randy’s all out of favors for good ole J-Mo this evening. Fat fuck.

Next we have a group called the Nite Owls, and they are doing an acappella version of “Get Ready” which has been made famous by both the Temptations and the group Rare Earth (and my BF just happens to be cousin to one of the members of Rare Earth, Ray Monette). Anyhow, the acappella thing is a risky move, and this group hits way more sour notes than sweet ones, the only plus side being that one of their members looks an awful lot like my favorite Top Chef contestant…

couldn’t he be Kevin “DirtyBear” Gillespie’s little brother?

Well, DirtyBear Junior and some girl in a Barbie dress are the only two out of this group of five to move on. The next group (called “Ebony & Ivory & Every”, gag) is doing the exact same song, and also doing it acappella, but their version is much tighter and cleaner and fresher…

their names are much more unpronounceable as well

They also have some rather intricate stage-choreography, but it really works for the song, and they pulled it off pretty well, with much stronger harmonies than Jailbait could have ever hoped to have (some things only come with age, kids) and all five of the people in this group are in! Yay, are we done yet? NOPE, we have a group called “4 Non-Blondes and That Guy”. I think they should called “Copyright Infringement featuring Psycho” because it turns out “that guy” is the same weird starey-eyed sociopath I made fun of earlier…

yes, it’s That Guy… making us all uncomfortable since Minute Three of this episode

I know why I didn’t recognize That Guy, because I missed the L.A. audition, so his wackily endearing antics were lost on me from the get-go. He’s also in the group with Chris Medina, the guy whose wife was in a car wreck and is now horribly disfigured. Sorry, I got nothing on that one, so let’s just go back to laughing at That Guy and his freakout facial expressions as they sing Cee-Lo’s “Find You, Fuck You, Forget You”…

and is it just me, or is anyone else getting a very Carrie Hamilton vibe?

How amazing is it that Scary Rubberface is an actor from Malibu? Truthfully his voice isn’t that hot, but he sells the song pretty well, and he, plus 3 Non-Blondes make it through, leaving behind only one girl named Devyn, whom I think was a singing waitress, and who is now crying in the lobby that she doesn’t deserve to go home. I’m so beat to shit at this point, there have been so many people going through so much shit, I just can’t bring myself to dredge up any more empathy. Sorry, girl. This is what happens when they bloat this shit up to TWO FUCKING HOURS.

Besides, we have to relive Jacee getting kicked out of the Guaps all over again, and now with just a few hours rehearsal on a song he barely knows, it’s time for Sugar Mama and the Babies to perform. The girls start off (in case you forgot, they’re doing Duffy’s “Mercy”) and they’re pretty good, then Gayrrot Top comes out and I find that I actually like his voice…

plus his sexy, sinuous and slithery melt to the floor

You go, girl. And then it’s Jacee’s turn, and I’m actually taken aback at the sweet tone he has…

his facial expressions could use a little work, though

Now normally if someone changes up the lyrics to make a direct plea to the judges I find it grating and irritating and nine kinds of wrong, but Jacee’s lyric change didn’t annoy me like that. After deliberating for a while, Randy mentions that Jacee “looked a little lost”. He simply says he got into the group late, and now the Judges wanna know what happened. Miss Jackson steps up and tells them that the Guaps kicked him out of their group, and Jacee is quick to try and play it off, saying that it wasn’t a big deal. The producers then cut to Cunt backstage and we see that it certainly wasn’t a big deal to her either…

as she prepares for her close-up

Now that he’s on the spot, Jacee says the Guaps had already put stuff together and that he was “kind-of in” but they hadn’t started really rehearsing yet. He goes on to mention that the Guaps (i.e. Cunt) decided they didn’t need him and that it wouldn’t work, and then he found the Sugar Mamas. He doesn’t sound bitter, just very matter-of-fact. Then Randy pulls a dick move by having the other four members of the group (including Gayrrot Top) step forward, leaving Jacee in the back. After a looooong pause he finally tells Jacee to step forward and all five are going through…

jesus, Randy, could you maybe fuck with this kid a little bit more today?

What the hell is this wet stuff on my cheeks, and why do I want to go find one of my kitties to hug? Stop it, show, and stop badgering this kid, Gaycrest, let him have a few moments of breakdown and relief without having a camera stuffed in his face. Besides, I want to see some justice meted out to the Guaps, who are now taking the stage.

Randy doesn’t waste any time asking about the member that they’re “missing”. Cunt is at a momentary loss for words before he says “Umm, not really missing...” McCreepy tries to gloss over the situation by drawling “Everything’s cool.” Yeah, I’m sure you’d feel that way since they kept your country ass, so shut up and let Cunt dig her grave deeper. She goes on to say “We just wanted to make sure everything, um, flowed correctly… and um, it seems like his vibe was better with another group.” Um, yeah, but that’s a flat-out lie on Cunt’s part, because he had no vibe knowledge at the time he kicked Jacee to the curb, he clearly didn’t give a ratfuck what that kid did or who he sang with as long as it wasn’t in his precious group of Guaps…

“Did I mention I’ve written songs for terrible movies yet?”

Randy badgers Cunt into admitting that it was Jacee that he pulled all this bullshit on, and now there are boos coming from the audience. STy says they should all be made to “step back one” for doing such a heinous thing, and Cunt just giggles at that. HATE. Then McCreepy gets a supposed attack of conscience and apologizes for not standing up for Jacee, but this just comes off as a desperate plea to save himself from being eliminated for standing back and doing nothing while a really shitty thing was going on. DOUBLE HATE.

Ah, fuck this shit, let’s see them perform. I want to see this amazing choreography that Cunt was convinced Jacee wouldn’t have been able to pick up…

oooh, single jazz hand… complicated!

They’re also doing “Get Ready”, and McCreepy starts it off with his insane twang and now I wish I owned a Randy Travis CD so I could have the satisfaction of breaking it and imagining McCreepy’s vocal cords snapping along with it. Their harmonies are not so tight, and the girls are rather forgettable, and then it’s Cunt’s turn…

how’s it feel to pick on someone a decade younger than you, asshat?

Cunt is another screamer that we’ve heard a zillion times before, and I’m guessing when he “hosts karaoke” he sings the Hambert catalog to death as well. When they finish, STy has everybody but Cunt step forward, and at first I thought my wish was going to come true as he says the three of them are going through…

it woulda served your bitchy mean ass right, dickface

But no, then he has to go and ruin everything by saying that Cunt is going through also, so no justice here. And now Jacee will have to put up with Cunt for another week. And so will we. As they celebrate in the lobby (Cunt is dancing like a crazy bitch), McCreepy still can’t shake the feeling that he participated in a bad thing. I suspect he has remembered the fact that all of this is going on TV and that the VIEWERS VOTE FOR YOU so he’s trying to do major damage control right now. I further suspect that this is something Cunt hasn’t considered at all. Pity.

Our final group tonight is none other than Cancelled Sitcom, starting Jackie, Blob and Chelseeeeeee, and Blob is just as soul-sucking as he was the last several times we checked in with him, bitching that he never set out to be “a male dancer” and admitting that he’s probably going to look like a complete idiot. They’re about to go on and he still doesn’t know the song, which is that damned Cee-Lo “Fuck You” song. Out of all 168 people that came through this round I would have thought he’d already know this one backwards and forwards considering the fact that he’s singing it with his ex-girlfriend, but no, 24 hours hasn’t been enough for him to remember that it doesn’t go “You Fuck”…

maybe the ringing in his ears from being an outnumbered Alpha Male is what’s messing with him

So they start. Chelseeeeeeee goes first, and she sounds okay, but kinda boring. Then Jackie goes, and she’s all kinds of squeezed-up wrong, plus she actually sings “shit” when it comes to that lyric. Meanwhile, Blob has been shuffling about the stage with zero energy and not joining Chelseeeeeeeee on the background doo doo doo doo doos. Finally it’s Blob’s turn, and all he can do is sing “Ohhhhhh, oohhhhhh, I don’t know these words, I’m so tired, I’m so tired, boy I am really worn ouuuuuut!”…

how much you wanna bet the “restaurant” he works at is Hot Dog On A Stick?

Randy and J-Lo and STy are all making pissyfaces at each other. No one wants to hear you complain about being tiiiiiired, Blob! Because everyone else is tired, too! Including me! I’ve pulled a fucking all-nighter writing this shit, and I still have another fucking show to do, and you don’t hear me getting on stage and complaining about it. You know why? Because I’m a dumbass and I agreed to do it, so I really can’t bitch about it now, can I!
Finally Randy cuts the band off so we don’t have to listen to Blob’s bullshit anymore and STy has only the Blob step forward. Whaaaaat’s going on here? AH, he just told him he’s going home and the ladies are through to the next round, which is all kinds of wrong because they sucked, too, but I don’t care because I know we will never have to see this tiny little schlub on our TVs ever again.

Out in the lobby, Chelseeeeeeeeee takes a moment out to throw a giant handful of salt in Blob’s open wound by perkily chirping “Blob and I won’t get back together, but he’ll always be one of my very best friends… it’s gonna take a while to get over some emotions and things like that, but he’ll always be a part of my life, so….”

hey Chels, guys love it when you say insincere shit like that

She twists the knife even deeper as she takes special care to reiterate “We’re not getting back together, though!” and then giggles awkwardly as Blob looks like she just kicked him in the nuts on national TV. Which she basically just did. Then there’s a loooong uncomfortable pause before Blob finally scrapes what’s left of his manhood up off the floor and stalks off saying “I’m done.”… And with that, so are we! Yaaaaay! Next episode is more individual singing and more grueling cuts! All I want at this point is for Cunt to be sent back to Long Beach and his karaoke bar. Oh, and JorDork can suck it, too.

What did you guys think of this episode? Do you feel like it was fair of The Guaps to boot Jacee, or was it just a dick move? Did you find Jailbait to be as impressive as the judges did? Can you believe how much time they wasted on Cancelled Sitcom and Blob? And what of Gayrrot Top? Thoughts about Crashly and her threats to quit? Please share your thoughts, I would love to know that I wasn’t the only one who sat through this two hour episode (and sixteen hours of recapping). I’m going to go have a nap, and then I will start work on Top Chef, which is going to be even less pleasant this week. I’ll see you all over there!

love, J-Mo