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Hey guys, Fran here! Berry, my not-so better half, is dozing off on the couch next to me. And this is American Idol!
Hollywood Week already! Can you believe it!? Time flies when Simon isn’t sensually rubbing his nipples on my tv screen twice a week. Now that we’re in Hollywood, Ryan Seacrisp is really bringing the drama! I can feel the tension bearing down on me! It’s for sure bearing down on the contestants as it truly will be the toughest week of their short lives.
“Double the amount of contestants! Two times the drama, two times the talent but there is only one Hollywood week! Brace yourself, this is American Idol!”
There is a weird new opening sequence which I’m sure you’ve all noticed by now. Complete with a Scientology pyramid that opens up to reveal the androgynous silhouette of the coveted American Idol.
I wonder who they’ll use the Xenu Save on this year?
Cut to all the people arriving with their luggage and getting on charter buses. Damn, they are in nice ass hotel rooms! Fox spares no expense on their lodgings!
The judges unload. J-Lo says that Hollywood week will sort out the men from the boys and the women from the fly girls. Randy keeps screaming, “FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT!!” While Stephen Tyler exclaims, “Give me another chance! I’ll be good! I’ll be good!” Whoa, are they doing impressions of what’s to come or did I miss a shot of them getting busted dry humping in the port-o-potty? Nah, I don’t think they could both fit in a single port-o-potty. Maybe a handicap accessible one.
Randy is like the 22 year old guy who is still showing up to take girls to prom. As the senior judge he gets to give the, “You get one shot! So don’t blow it!” Speech. The King’s Speech 2: Randy Steps into Simon’s Shoes. Only he didn’t need a speech therapist, he needed a v-neck consultant.
They’re singing solo, a capella, sudden death style!! The tension is so heavy I might barf. Next Hollywood week I’ll remember not to eat a whole Dominos pizza while Berry is sleeping. First up is Brett Loewenstern. You totally remember who Brett is! The little mousey shim from Florida who has a sob story about being a weirdo who gets picked on.
“I see dead bullies.”
While Brett sings Steven Tyler shakes his head sexily like he’s gonna seduce him. No one else from that group was worth mentioning I suppose, because they didn’t. Randy calls Brett to step forward…….front row passes!!! Brett is moving on. It’s true, IT DOES GET BETTER! He testifies that he’s done being a victim! Sing it sister!
Rachel Zevita (sassy NY girl), Thia Megia (amazing multicolored dream coated 15 year old) and Casey Abrams (bluesy round lumberjack) are sailing through! That was easy! Where’d the drama go?
Ask and ye shall receive. Victoria Huggins!!!
“For getting to Hollywood week my mama bought me a rent-a-girl!”
You remember her. She’s all happy, young and confident. Chipper out the untarnished butthole. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! I hate her and love her so much. I can’t control my feelings. Getting to Hollywood has made her even more cocky and it’s gross but I can’t look away! She’s frosting! So sweet my teeth hurt! She is in her hotel room and gets distracted by the beauty of mother nature, she runs to the window, “Look at these mountains!” Ah yes, the beautiful Southern California topography, I suppose it can be breath taking. But then she goes on to say in all sincerity, “Maybe people look at me the way I look at these mountains.” Ahhhhhh!!!! Those teeth!! Ahhh!!! Somebody stop her! But she’s only begun! Now we have to watch her sing! She steps out on stage, her mother is cheering her name from the balcony. I don’t think you’re allowed to do that!
“I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.”
Victoria sings. She’s so country. This girl is ALL country. Oh God, it’s Unstoppable (on Blu-Ray) a PG-13 Rated train wreck! She’s way too sure of herself, strutting around the stage and leading the audience (scratch that) leading her mother in clapping. No! I can’t take it. Dear God let Denzel stop this nightmarish unstoppable run away train! And……she is CUT!
This is what it LOOKS like when doves cry.
Cut it out! She is gone! Wow, what a rush! Cut to a shot of her mother looking pissed! Her mother is going to murder her!!
“Ah shit, now I have to go back to working at Enterprise.”
She looks livid, she hasn’t been that livid since Victoria lost a toddlers in tiaras pageant when she was 3 months old! Now Victoria has to humble herself in the exit interview. Oh golly It’s gonna take a lot of work to clean up that ego that exploded all over everywhere. Seacrisp says that she has to go back to the hotel and pack her 11 bags! OMG. She brought 11 bags! Oh my God dear Lord thank Jesus she was cut. I love her.
Some people are not just here to be famous singers. Some people are here for their broke ass babies. Paris Tassin, young mother, is first in this category. She sings the Titanic song…and she wasn’t that good, she messes up a little. She knows she messes up cuz she does not stick the landing and makes a weird face as she walks off stage.
“Ahh does anyone else see that giant cane coming towards me?!?!”
I won’t be surprised if she gets through though because I bet J-Lo would be like, “I really felt that you were singing words.” James Durbin admits to everyone that he has Tourette’s and high functioning autism. So naturally he wears a dangly earring, a fohawk, a bandana and a scarf tail to distract us from all of his disorders. When he sings he gets all Adam Lambert squealy up in here. I can’t tell if Steven Tyler is into it or if his spirochetes are biting. Same diff at his age I guess.
He managed to wear the entire jewelry collection from the check out counter at American Eagle Outfitters.
Next we see Stormi Henley a Miss America who we are reminded had inappropriate flirtations with Steven Tyler. Then Lauren Alaina sings Simon’s favorite song, she knows Simon is gone right? And come on why does anyone EVER think it’s a good idea to sing Unchained Melody without a pottery wheel? If you’re gonna sing a Whitney song you gotta have the pipes. If you’re gonna sing Unchained Melody, you gotta get all splattery with clay. It’s called showmanship people! Let’s step it up!
“OMG! Are my shoulders showing?”
Whoa!! Results for the sad/poor round: James, Lauren, and Paris are in!! Stormi, alas, will have to go on being sexy somewhere where you don’t have to sing in conjunction with hotness.
Romance alert! Chris Medina is singing for his fiancee. The one in the wheelchair that Steven Tyler tried to have his way with. Yeah, he gets through.
Hate on it if you will but I’m really into Randy’s sweater. It’s all purple and snuggly. Randy’s gone all Grimace from Mickey D’s and it’s turning me on! (Don’t tell Berry!)
And it was all purple…
OMG just saw a commercial for R.L. Stine’s the Haunting Hour!! That shit looks scary!! Ahh! Remember are you afraid of the dark!? Scary! The one with the sunglasses that see to another dimension of people dressed in black unitards?! I couldn’t sleep for most of 7th grade because I was so scared of that episode!
Shhh!! Seacrisp is back, “It’s now 5pm and we’re nearing the end of the day one auditions.” Everyone is super nervous and guess what? They got even more nervous when they got on stage. Montage of people messing up their chances with nerves. Spotlight on the youngin’s! Jacee Badeaux! Oh yeah that little boy who looks like Bobby Hill!
Yeah you better be shaking in your high tops Bieber!
Also Robbie Rosen, he is all pop-Sinatra. And Hollie Cavanagh, she is cute, she looks like she’ll die if the sun touches her pink skin, but she’s cute. All three idol-lets are through!
Steven spending his life in this sweet surrender.
Steve Beghun who looks like he should be in a Rockapella cover band, who sorta sings like Aaron Neville….doesn’t make it. But he says that he got a lot of confidence from making it to Hollywood. Good? Sorry out there to all you die hard Steve Beghun fans?
Sarah Sellers and Jaquelyn Dupree were sent home. Along with a lot of sad sad sad sad people. Even the belly dancer girl. Sad people in bubble skirts, sad people who were picking their noses, sad people who have nothing. Sad sad sad. The saddest thing in the world.
Coming up…a lot of people messing up big time! Can you feel the pressure!!?? I can, Berry just farted in his sleep and it caused an atmospheric shift!
Day 2! Yesterday 160 people performed. Today: 163 people take the stage.
Effortlessly placed Ford Focus commercial. Oh yeah. Fox is all about their car endorsements. Have you ever watched Bones or Lie to Me? They love Toyotas on those shows. Literally, the characters LOVE Toyotas. Shameless product placement. Although, I guess if I had a car I really loved I’d talk about how great it is, because I sure am getting tired of talking about how much my Toyota Carolla sucks.
Montage of people SUCKING!!!!!!
My name is Hurl.
“Did anyone else get gas from the Vitamin Water?”
Randy’s outfit Day 2 is not quite as snuggly. But still cozy.
Rob and Chelseeeeeee, the Nashvillian musical ex-lovers are being all weird around each other and the camera. They’re bunking with the lovey dove birds Jacqueline and Nick. Awkward double dates ensue in the hotel rooms and group hugs in the hotel hallways by the elevators. Rob sings I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry. Rob didn’t realize that Ellen wasn’t on the show anymore. Because EVERYONE knows that song is featured in the blockbuster hit, Mr. Wrong starring Ellen DeGeneres. Okay, maybe I’m the only one who knows that. But now you do too!
Now it’s time for Jacqueline and Nick. Oh boy, this is NOT gonna work out well. Because he sucked and she was pretty good. I’m getting knots in my stomach for this girl. The lovers hold hands as they hear the results: Jacqueline will move forward WITHOUT Nick. He begs the judges (oh yeah here’s what we’ve been waiting for!!!) to let his “goods come out!” His girlfriend is soooo embarrassed! She is walking out of the theater. CRINGE!
Keep walkin’ sister!
Then it sounded like he was moaning but he was singing! He’s singing behind the judges! All creepy and poorly lit. Oh my God! Snipe him! Seacrisp take him out! Randy waves him off Jabba the Hutt style.
“Call security! Or a really good psychotherapist!”
The two embrace but not for long. That boy is going to murder someone. He’s going to murder her for being better than him! HE’S THE ROOMMATE! Did I mention he’s dressed like Malibu Ken? Because he is. Seacrisp is trying to console him I guess? He is also trying to remind him to be supportive of Jaq but it’s not working. Nick CANNOT let Jaq be better than him. She could win this whole thing if she lets her rage filled fear fuel her. Or she might lose it all if she is conflicted. That’s my professional opinion as a wife.
Now it’s deep voice country boy, Scotty McCreery. 20,000 leagues under the sea voice singing about turning me on! Alfred E. Newman and Vinny from Jersey Shore had a baby and is trying to turn me on with his deep country voice! He gets through cuz he turned enough people on. Also through to the next round is Jerome Bell from Milwaukee who wants to “get it on”, and Jackie Wilson from Nashville.
Any relation to Stringer?
Cutting away to commercial and Ryan Seacrisp tells us to stay tuned because we are not going to believe what happens next. OMG do you think they wIll show a Taylor Hicks sex tape?!?!?! Because I wouldn’t believe that even if I saw it! I wonder what color his silver pubes look in night-vision. White I guess. If you make it to the top 10 does Simon Fuller get all the money from your sex tapes? I’m sure that’s in their contracts somewhere.
Bones is on next. Will Booth propose to his girlfriend? I don’t care and I love that show!
I wasn’t too far off when I said they’d show a sex tape because we now get to see Tiffany Rios, remember in her first audition she showed her star nipples? She decides to go the biotch route right away, “I’m tired of people trying to do, what I know I can do.” The other contestants are like, “did she just say what I think she said? And was it as offensive as I think it is?” She’s really tan and is wearing really light lip gloss, maybe I should do that to draw attention away from my pear shape, it works for her. She is singing well, I think, but she’s super dramatic and right when she gets taken away with the music they stop her.
“I see myself being a giant bitch in your future!”
Travis Orlando is up next, he’s homeless on and off and stuff so trust Seacrisp: there is A LOT riding on this! He is singing Maroon 5, a wonky version.
Results: J-Lo said that Star Nipples is not likable because of what she said. But she makes it and acts like a total asshole dancing around and rubbing it in the face of the poor homeless boy. But he’s super cute. He’s gonna work on singing and getting some flashy nipple decorations and maybe be back next year.
Now there’s a happy montage of people getting through to the next round! Even that unusual girl Ashley Sullivan from New Jersey.
“I so want your Ark of the Covenant Dr. Jones!”
“LMFAO I’m so real! To me it’s like breathing!”
If you thought tonight was intense….you ain’t seen NOTHING YET BITCH! Because next week it’s group round! New stars are gong to emerge and favorites will fall. Oh Berry just woke up! Time for my obligatory love making session! See you guys at the Amazing Race premiere next week! xo Fran!!