Time can make us so cynical, and nothing makes you realize quite how much time has passed until another season of American Idol begins. It’s more sentimental than New Years. This is year ten, so it’s been a decade and we’ve spent roughly nine hundred thousand hours in front of this heah show. Salty drip down my cheek. Deep breath.
I haven’t changed at all in these years. Except for my hair. And my chins. And my face. And my personality. I used to be so youthful! YOUTH! COME BAAAAACK! The memories! When I was still youngish and freshish, I got a landline to vote for Fantasia as many times as my chubby fingers would let me. I never paid that bill, and the next tenant in that apartment called Haiti a lot before I realized I was in troubs. This was the first chapter of a long sad story about debt and the death of the American dream.
I’m sad now. The point is, a lot can change over the years. Presidents, reality judges, Bieber hair. One thing that hasn’t changed? The simple love of seeing semi talented children getting kicked across the stage and having their dreams broken on national TV.
Every year the talking heads on TV and these here internets wonder if this will be the year that Idol, like humanity, spirals downward after a series of bad decisions, …
drunken nights, …
and embarrassing haircuts.
Wait. That hasn’t changed yet. Never mind.
So is the show on it’s way to the bottom after a long fabulous ride? Who knows? They sure have made an effort to keep it fresh. Or….fresher. Not only are there new judges, there’s a whole new mindset. This is the “positive season”, and I say hey. Thinking of the history of the show and my own life the past decade, I can’t help but be ok with that. I will not jealously look at these children as enemies just because they don’t have boob creases and a dimply butt. It’s not their fault I refused to do my mom’s Jane Fonda tapes instead of eating Little Debbies and talking on the phone to David Bowman watching Facts of Life together long distance when I was a kid. Or an adult. Or a senior citizen.
I will embrace this new season of embracing happy thoughts and not being overly critical of sweet innocent creatures just for sick sport. It’s time to grow up and make better choices.
Involuntary facial tics, fauxhawks, and Claire’s Boutique peace signs are adorable on you. I support your spirit. Let’s hug!
Fuck that! If I wanted to feel good about myself I’d enroll in online college or some shit. These brats are like freshly packed worms in a styrofoam cup. If you don’t shove a hook up their ass and drown them, they’ll never learn to stop being so gross and fish will starve.
Our affable and always helpful Tinkercrest looks deep, deep into our dewy eyes and assures us that they’ve combed the entire country. I was out today and I know that’s not true. Lots of stringy dry ass hair out there. I’ve gotta stop going to Whole Foods just because it’s close.
Speaking of combs….when are you gonna change that piece, buddy? It’s a new dawn! Didn’t you hear? You’re the next Dick Clark. You can get old now.
Tink walks down the hall of the Final 12 Boys proudly after this exhaustive search and comb. Now it’s time for the exhaustive middle part! Look! It’s the hot version of Marc Anthony! The hick with the deep WB Frog voice! The woman playing Oprah’s character in The Color Purple at all times!
You tode Harpo to BEAT ME.
And the story I can’t wait to see play out. The evil troll-y looking Asian bully and Carrot Bottom!
Please, deliver a smackdown. Do it for all the bullies in the world. And Tink, seriously. You look like you’re wearing a coonskin cap.
Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy! J-Ho! George Burns!
So, Randy! How does it feel to be rid of Ellen, Skara and Simon? He doesn’t care much about that, but he does ask for a snack. Stupid Lap Band. Poor guy’s starving. He’s in Simon’s seat now and he’s celebrating by wearing all black. He may not have Simon’s brains or verbiage skills, but man boobs he’s got aplenty. And let’s face it. Man boobs have always been the real star of this show.
Tink, making sure we all still believe that he’s full on hetero, compliments J-Ho for her sexy outfit, earrings, perfect shoes, delectable hair and smooth skin. Girl tell me your moisturizing secrets! She giggles and says that the earrings aren’t the price he thinks they are…they’re more! It’s hard to be jealous of a person with so many tens of millions of dollars when they’ve really earned it, you know?
I wouldn’t take vocal lessons if I had that thing, either.
The audience also goes wild for Cloris Leachman. Tink has brought him a cardboard American Idol bubble to put over his face when he says a bad word, like Fuck. Tink is such a rebel! He said fuck! Betty White’s like “what word? FUCK?” HAHAH! Old people have really learned to push those boundaries this year. Next: nudity! Let’s just hope they keep it confined to the kids. I don’t think I can see this again:
Your mouth has horrified the country. Can you just tape this over it? Kthnx
The boys are brought out on stage and the Pirate Eyed Adam Hambert acts like he just won a Nobel Prize.
I would like to thank Bolivia, whatever that is.
I think the twink version of Johnny Cash is wearing spray on hair.
First up is our favorite Asian bully, Clint something. I have a feeling he considers the Olympics very very Special.
Wait a second. I know you from somewhere. Let me guess. You ice skate.
Robert Down’sy Jr. is a scaryoke host, and he believes American Idol will help him become more of the kind of artist he wants to be. He’s mean to fat kids, America is full of fat kids, so I think he’ll go soon. Fortunately, there’s still time for him to study hard to be the kind of artist I want him to be:
Get me the check. And stop looking me in the eye, peasant.
I can’t look at him for too long and his personality makes me insane, but he has a fantastic voice. He’s singing “Superstitious,” which means he’s also super original. He bounces around and warbles his little face off, but I find him offensively yawny. There are so many songs in the world, why do we have to hear the same shit over and over? Sing what you know. Surely there’s a tune called “Fuck You Fat Kid” somewhere in the world.
Positive: This family makes cute signs.
Negative: They are probably all sleeping together.
Kirk Douglas doesn’t have any f words to say, so he just says it was brilliant and let’s J-Ho take over. She says it was good to see him get rid of his nerves after wiping the fat blood off himself. Randy says he’s the best scaryoke singer in the world. Inbreeding can lead to Down’s, but it can also lead to really great voices. Brothers and sisters all over the world just made love. Thanks, Randy!
And now for the sexy Marc Anthony, Jovany Barreto! I have no idea what he’s singing.
He takes the stage with clothes on. BOOOOOOOOO. He has a pretty voice, but zero personality. He seriously sounded better when I had a boner. Without it he’s just some boring dude who never learned to spell Giovanni.
He’s singing “I’ll be” with no emotion or passion. He sure can hit those belt notes, though! Meanwhile, J-Ho is mouthing all the words and pretending for a minute that the imitation really is Marc Anthony. When she gets home, reality’s gonna smack her hard.
You brought me an ab roller from work? What were they doing with an ab roller at work? Well, thanks I guess. Let’s make lo…oh ok you go ahead and play Word Mole on your phone. I’ll be over here…ab rolling I guess. Love you…?
Milton Berle shouts “Holy Shipyard!” That wacky old guy. J-Ho is happy because we can really see who Abs is for the first time! When you get past shallow things like a P90x body, you get to know the inside. His inside is kinda empty, but J-Ho’s into extra storage for shoes and stuff so YAY! Randy didn’t get it, calls it karaoke, and says that he has to have some kind of personality to succeed. Beefy jokes that he thought he had his Baton Rouge boy in his corner, but Randy tells him to try harder next time ie: take something off or bring me some shrimp, bitch!
Jordan Dorsey is next, and he wants to be a legend! I forgot he made it into the performance rounds, so he’s falling behind on the legend thing. Love Paul Bunyon though so I’m all for the goal. Just be…less boring or something. He’s singing OMG, which is the best and worst song title of all time. He starts off key, off rhythm, and dancing like a white dude, but it’s on par with Usher so well done.
He says with the whole off rhythm thing and adds some awkward shoulder shimmies in there for good measure. Wait. Now he’s going into falsetto…and he’s off. Is there any way to save this? YES! Fist pumps! HAHAHAH!! That? Was terrible. So there is some hope for the season! J-Ho, not really good with hearing pitch anyways, seems to have loved it. Or she’s just going down on him to be nice.
Martin Sheen approved of the white guy dancing, but wasn’t a fan of the singing parts. J-Ho loves him but thinks he’s more of a Nat King Cole than an Usher. Nat King Cole just started thumping on his coffin lid. Randy says that it wasn’t original. Is he gonna say that to everyone? It’s not wrong, but considering what he’s saying, you’d think he’d try to be more, I dunno, ORIGINAL.
That sounded like a hysterectomy without pain meds.
Jordan repeats “it’s not me. It’s not me” over and over again. America is pretty easily brainwashed, so I hope that works out for him. He tells Tink that he had to dance because it was an Usher song. He doesn’t address the terrible singing part, but I guess we can probably assume it’s the same excuse. Next up is a double header! Man. J-Ho is gonna be barely able to speak by the end of this episode.
Design your own Coke cup, you guys!! It’s gonna be hard to beat last year’s winner.
American Idol: sponsored by cancer in a can
Tink interviews Tim Halperin about what it’s like being part of the most talented cast of all time! Last time I heard that, the paint mixing guy at Homo Depot who couldn’t sing on key won. And the year before that it was the little balding cracker kid who ended up selling like four albums. But this year it’s totally real you guys. Tim tells Tink that it’s wonderful being on the show with so many supportive guys and they’re all like family. Watch out. Robert Down’sy Jr. is gonna think you’re flirting.
Tim’s singing “Streetcorner Symphony”, and I remember him being good in Vegas week. But my memory sucks. I had to walk three blocks to find my car this morning. Point is, my bad, cuz he’s off key and not very good tonight. I would rather be on a street corner listening to ambulances and dirty hookers asking me for a cigarette. Then again, when wouldn’t I? The sounds of life. He does that hand waving in the air thing like one hand clapping. It’s very Buddhist. Unfortunately, positive thinking doesn’t help with pitch and breath control. Ask her.
Tim’s family doesn’t have any “YAY BED BUGS!” signs for him, but they did make an effort to warn future partners of a burning sensation and funny spots on holes.
Ellen Burstyn wasn’t a fan of that one and says that Tim let him down. He gets booed, but he doesn’t care. J-Lo says that that didn’t show America who he is as an artist, it showed us how he is as a generic twitchy white dude with big nostrils. Randy says he didn’t do anything original with it. Shocking thing to say, dawg! Tim tells Tink that he thinks he was good and thinks America will “call and give votes to my favor.” Another win for English!
Now, for Carrot Bottom! He would describe himself as a red apple under a bunch of green apples. I think the green apples are supposed to represent the high school football team. There are so many people out there who don’t know how to embrace themselves, so he’s going to embrace himself! Hugsterbation. Do that in private, ya freak. I hope Robert Down’sy Jr. comes out in the middle of his song and starts calling him fat and brown toothed.
He’s singing “Light My Fire” and it’s really really hilarious. He’s doing it in some weird jazz style and over annunciating every word. Come on baby light my fiuherrrr. I’m flicking matches at the TV screen. Be careful what you ask for, Carrot Bottom.
When he goes up an octave he sounds a lot better, but he’s added lots of hip swivels and he’s pretending he’s in a Pantene commercial. He doesn’t try the super high screechy “fiuh er”, which is kinda lame. He can’t get those high notes, but he sure can shake that hair around like invisible bees are attacking him. He’s either super happy to be on TV or he has lice.
Stop bullying me, lice! WAAAAHHHH
When he’s done, J-Ho is making fun of his head twitch. LOL. It was more hair tossing than her and Beyonce combined in ten years! I know she did NOT just put herself in the same sentence as B. You know Daddy Beyonce is on the way down to that studio with a baseball bat. She suggests a wind machine for next time. HA. Phyllis Diller liked it too, and Randy calls it pitchy after making fun of the head twitch. At least Carrot Bottom is fuuuun! Like polio.
Bottom twitches and shakes his hair at Tink, who’s still wearing his coonskin cap wig. Not cool, Bottom! Why he had no idea he twitched his head fourteen times! He’s just being natural! Bottom runs off stage too soon and Tink makes him come back. Of course, Bottom thinks it’s for a hug. Head shake. He’s like one of those Chuck E Cheese games where the puppet head pops out of a hole really fast and you have to hit it with a hammer. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a tool person. Would a rolling pin work?
Now for the Pirate Eyed Adam Hambert! Sure, we’ve seen Ham before. But have we seen him with one eye always closed? No. So it’s original. Randy will love it. The guy is screeching in like ten octaves and he’s the first one to be on key, so yay for that. Hopefully they won’t make him drive a Ford in one of those results night commercials, though. One eyed driving leads to accidents.
Watch out Pirate Eyed Ham! You’re approaching a crosswalk. OPEN YOUR EYE!
Jessica Tandy loved it and even used the F word! It’s the first time Judas Priest song has been on this show so fuckin fart fuckyfuck.
Thanks cap’n. Now hand over your wenches and your Ham.
J-Ho likes him cuz he’s organic. So are boogars. Randy yells “THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE!”
And now for the Pride of Long Island!
No, the other one.
Robbie’s singing “In the Arms of the Angel” and he’s missing a lot of notes. He may be only 17 and not too experienced with the goils, but he sure know hows to eye fuck a camera.
I appreciate that you don’t have to be pretty to be a boy on this season of AI, but shouldn’t you be able to sing on key? COME OOON. If he sang like that in the arms of an actual angel, she’d drop his stupid ass and let him splatter. I think if he’d drop his dreams of being the next Christina with his throat clenching and riffing every second for no reason he’ll be ok.
Estelle Getty thinks it was beautiful and he “was riding the audience” during the song. Keep it in your pants, Estelle! J-Ho thought all the notes weren’t perfectly perfect, but she still dug it. Randy thinks his yodeling Xtina act was a bit pitchy. When Randy is the voice of reason, we’re in trouble.
Now the Opie kid who pretends he’s Johnny Cash. Holy spray tan, Opes!
This is bordering on blackface.
If my Meemaw’s at home watching this I’m sure she’s wetting her La-z-boy right now. She loves this kinda crap. He’s singing “Letter From Home”. He will probably get a letter from home this week from his own meemaw asking why the hell he’s orange. He seems like a sweet kid, but his voice sounds like mine when I’m in a new social situation and I want people to think I’m straight. I go way overboard and talk super deep and readjust my balls and stuff. This whole thing is making me uncomfortable.
Margaret Thatcher loved the song! J-Ho said she was smart not to cut him when she should have, and Randy likes that he’s trying to imitate an old school country singer like Johnny Cash and not some young idiot like Taylor Swift. No one remembers the old people so we can do them all over again and pretend they’re ORIGINAL. I’ve got dibs on Lauren Hutton!
Stefano’s next with a little Bruno Mars. Love this song. Can’t help it. I think it’s cuz the hot gay guy sang it on Glee. I’m shallow like that. Stefano had a great voice in auditions, and it’s not terrible tonight, but damn. What does that stage do to people? Most of these boys sounded better before they got here. He’s belting it out like the lead in Annie. Calm down, dude! If he could hit the belt notes it might work, but they’re the ones he fails on. Sad horns. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt for now, though, cuz it looks like this is hurting him way more than it’s hurting me.
My guess: gout
He wheezes out some falsetto notes and it’s pure pain. Margaret Thatcher says he cut the air in the room and everyone applauds. I think he just said that sounded like fart. People will always applaud for whatever the old crazy says. You’ve earned it, Thatcher! J-Lo says he’s super natural and a beast. HUH? Randy agrees and says that even though the fals notes were scary, this kid could be on the radio. Wow. Maybe for the Test of The Emergency Broadcast System part. Simon COME HOOOOOME.
That sounded like a horse being turned into glue.
Was Fernando singing that to anyone in particular? Why, all the ladies, of course! Then he giggles like a little girl. LOL. He’s adorably bad.
He says “Hiiii, TVland!” and launches into Rod Stewart’s Maggie May. Wow. He’s channelling Rod. Just like him. Creepy and all palsy like. It’s gross. I can’t even hear his voice that well cuz all I can think of the second he starts this poo is this pic:
Rip Torn loves the black jacket with a rose and the character in his voice. J-Ho says she likes the character in his movement. The drunk ass falling down character. She adds that his voice lights up the room. You heard it hear first: Bleach is gonna win this whole thing. Randy loves his ORIGINALity. UGH.
And now it’s time for Oprah’s brilliant turn as Sofia in The Color Purple!
Sat in that jail, I sat in that jail til I near about done rot to death. I know what it like to wanna go somewhere and cain’t. I know what it like to wanna sing… and have it beat out ‘ya. I want to thank you, Miss Celie, fo everything you done for me. I ‘members that day in the store with Miss Millie – I’s feelin’ real down. I’s feelin’ mighty bad. And when I seed you – I know’d there is a God. I know’d there is a God.
Flames are emanating from Sofia as she walks downstage winking and shit. LOL. Gorgeous overwrought voice. When he riffs to the basement he gives a “can I get a what what face” to the audience. This guy is a ham. He turns down the slime a bit for some super drama and lady voice ridiculousness, and I think Carol Channing’s face says it the best.
That voice is good, but that performance was fucking ridiculous. Carol Channing is honored to be in the presence of such talent. Sofia says “yes Lord!” a lot and points up to Heaven. God’s head is in his hands right now while he moans “giiiirrrrrrl”. J-Ho says that Luther Vandross is her favorite singer. Dude. I think she just called you fat. Randy says Luther would be proud.
Sofia home, now. Sofia home. Things is gonna be changin’ around here. Pass me them peas, boy.
Tink wants to know what Sofia is feeeeling when he sings. Sofi stamps his feet and laughs and says he feels like a natural woman. No one doubts it, buddy.
The final singer of the night is the chunky red headed mountain man guy named Casey. He wants to set a new American Idol mold, cuz the only one he can currently fit into is Ruben Studdard’s and Rube’s always napping in that one. He’s singing “I Put A Spell on You” in a kinda jokey way. He’s got a lot of Jimmy Durante going on here, and I can’t tell if he’s kidding. He hits all the notes and screams and wails all over that stage. I don’t see this one lasting too long. We’re not supposed to take this crap seriously, but I think you are.
Crystal Hobosox came on this show and made it popular to not groom or bathe ever. Thanks, HOBO.
Judge Wapner loved it. He’s the new Paula. J-Ho says he’s sexy and will redefine the show! OK they’re both the new Paulas. You guys planning on adding anything to this show? Randy says he’s different and wonderful. I liked him the best out of all the guys, but mostly cuz he doesn’t shave, spray tan, or wear giant fake diamonds in his ears like Sofia. I would say I always root for the homely one, but I don’t feel like rooting for ten out the twelve dudes.
So what did you guys think? Are you into it? I wrote this recap a bit late because of my Housewives recap, and all I’ve heard so far is that the singers this year are AMAAAAZING!! I’m not really seeing it, but I’ve never been more excited to see people get kicked off. Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow with a cappy of the girls.
Oh and please don’t post spoilers about who got kicked off in the comments section!! xo