American Idol: Jersey Poor

It’s a new season of American Idol! Or the end of the world. I can’t tell yet.

It might be time to start praying.

Before we get to the insanely shitty singing, let’s go over the drama of the summer.

The world was in chaos! Terrorism schmerrorism! SIMON’S LEAVING AND TAKING HIS LAPDANCER WITH HIM!

Byebitch!

I wasn’t too upset over all the hubbub. That’s not to say there wasn’t any American Idol news that didn’t make me curl up and sob this summer.

I’ll never look at aspirin or T-Mobile salesman the same way.

The rumors of replacement judges were a little reachy. Justin Timberlake! Madonna! Elvis! But then there was a massive press event where Tinkercrest flitted down from the Heavens and revealed the truth. It IS Justin Timberlake! If someone melted a Future Sex/Love Sounds CD and threw it at his face.

With enough vaseline on the lens, this could work.

Wait! There’s more! Jennifer Lopez! And she came onstage with a promise.

I, Jennifer Dopez, solemnly swear to wear the least flattering clothing ever sewn.

But this isn’t American Idol’s story, this is YOUR story, America! And what a story it is. Other countries read it to their children at night to show them what happens when you let people vote.

Go Communism!

And then we get a shot of an alien ship coming down and beginning a nuclear blast at the Idol Stadium. I always figured that would happen at some point, I just wish there was someone to make sure Diana DeGarmo was in the house.

You did this to yourself, Earthlings.

The new slick opening shows us a futuristic, shiny Los Angeles. One without homelessness and C listers hogging up the line at Whole Foods trying to get their cookies comped for being on cable over a decade ago. (That wasn’t to anyone in particular.) This new, improved Los Angeles is clean and peaceful! American Idol is what hope feels like, you guys. Yaydreamz

Let’s meet the judges! First up is Steven Tyler. He’s the frontman of one of the biggest rock bands of all times, he’s sold hundreds of trillions of albums, and he’s got the face of a Scary Peep that got left on the seat of a car on a hot day.

He tells us that he’s here to find the next Janis Joplin. Cuz he misses doing heroin with her. Or something. Besides, they found an Organic Janis Joplin last year and I think she sold like ten albums (numbers not guaranteed to be accurate). But goals are good. To show us what he means, he scream yell sings a few notes for us. I have a feeling that’s gonna happen a lot. Maybe J-Ho will whip out what made her famous, too.

You’re singing notes that were never invented, but who cares? I can set a TV tray on your butt. I’ll buy whatever you sell FOREVAH!

Jennifer Lopez took the gig because she wanted to change someone’s life. Uh-huh. And pay the rent. You know she’s pissed she has to work again after betting on the wrong horse face. I think her real plan is to inspire America to stop grooming their eyebrows.

Forget the wax on part. Just wax off! WAX OFF, Danielson!

Dopez is here to be nice, k? She’s not in the business of crushing dreams with cynicism! Hey sister, that dream crushing is what this show was built on. Randy is the only judge to survive another year. To celebrate, he got rid of his Mister Rogers sweaters and went back to his doctor to get the lap band put back on. Rumor has it that he’s evil this season, and that doesn’t surprise me. Skinny people are mean. YAY! Is an evil Randy hard to imagine? Then buckle up. Let’s look at the first piece of evidence:

Falcon Crest shoulder pads. I have high hopes for you, sir. High hopes.

This season is gonna be full of wackiness! Hijinks! Hey! Even Whoopie shows up to try and land a spot in our hearts!

But that’s not all. There’s another addition to the season. Mister Tim Gunn!

Your abhorrent viscera needs a respite. Otherwise, Nina will be bored. Don’t. Bore. NINA.

OK this isn’t my dreams. We don’t get Tim Gunn, but we get a Tim Gunn like presence in Jimmy Iovine. He’s the chairman of Interscope records and Tink credits him for shaping the careers of the Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani, Lady Gaga, and the green M&M!

“Just why you came back again, you hate the fame
Love the game, cold as ice you remain
Fuck em’ all, tell ‘em all eat shit, here we go again”

You heard it right. Instead of just dragging in poor people with bad hair off the streets and handing them a zillion dollars, AI is gonna “shape” them. I like it. They should have been doing this all along. Sanjaya could have had a sweet gayish uncle to explain that when you’re a bottom your beauty fades fast and eventually you have to take a voice class. I’m liking him already.

Welcome! You can start by making Jennifer wax her brows. THNX

Oh no

Jersey has a rep for being loud, obnoxious, shallow, and stinky. American Idol decides not to even try fighting that stereotype and picks the perfect mascot for the day.

ConstantPeen intros Tink, who flies in wearing his see thru glitter suit and all. God I’ve missed this show. Randy shows up in bigger glasses this year. Those glasses have been popping up all over the place on TV lately and all I can really say about it is ew. Bigger glasses will help you look smarter. So will learning English. He’s also wearing shoulder pads though, so I am on his side.

Why would you go out of your way to get a clearer view of that face?

The judges talk about how real all of this is in echo voice. Jennifer even insists on autotune in her voiceovers. I poke, but I am liking her so far. There’s just one problem. Whenever she really lays into someone on the show and gives them a hard time, all they have to do is say “Hello. You’re Gigli.” She can be trumped any. Time.

The contestants do a PSA style intro with happy music playing. “Today I will seize the moment!” “Today I will will do what I was born to do!” “Today I will say ‘cancer’ until someone hands me a yellow piece of paper.” Ahh, I like this new positive tone. It would be nice if at least one of these kids said “Today I will study hard in hopes of finding a real job and helping someone in need.” LOL. Kidding. I hate people like that.

First up is Rachel. She’s got a fresh, cute face, skinny jeans and stilettos. She’s in. The first thing she does is cry cuz she can’t believe she’s standing before such greatness. Jennifer gets that all the time. Usually from deaf people into abnormally giant butts, though. We might remember this chick from Season 6. Nope. Then we get a clip of her shrieking opera. Ouch. I don’t remember you, and I’m sure it took a super strong needle to the brain to make me forget. Thanks for undoing all my hard work at perfecting the home lobotomy, asshole.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but they all sound like this.

She made it to Hollywood last time, only to get cut in the first round. Was it destiny telling her to stfu? NO! It was destiny saying “Less ‘art’. Instead go for tighter jeans and sluttier heels.” Dingdingding! Destiny’s a loose bitch, but she was right on that one.

Jennifer says that she remembers the shrieker. She was sitting at home with Mark and they both said “Why didn’t that girl go through? And where the fuck are we gonna get the money to pay the mortgage this month? Let’s do a really awkward song in Spanish that we can perform like a telenovela at the Grammys off key! We’ll be right back on top!” Actually, that was 2005. In 2006 they were probably just sitting in front of the TV until it was safe to go outside without an egg splattering on their faces.

Point is, Jennifer is a fliar and doesn’t remember shit. If she did she’d have started praying to God to make Shriek quick and painless. Screech gets all dramatic and says that Randy is her dawg and had her back when no one else did, and she’ll never forget that. Um honey no one handed you a Grammy. Back down.

She’s not screeching today. She’s worked that voice into a low smokey jazz style. She adds a screech at the end, but way improved. Awkward presence, but that can be fun. To fuck with. Screech switches gears in her plea for stardom and blabbers that she’s been fans of theirs since she was four years old. Calling old people old is not the way to win votes. Steven thinks she needs some personality and fire but has a decent chance. J votes her through based on what she claims to remember from before on season six. Which is bs on many levels. Three yesses! Screech screeches and tells us how impressed she is with herself that ordinary people don’t know her but Jennifer Lopez does. That definitely goes on the resume. “Jennifer. Lopez. Knows. Who I AAAAM!@!!dgnas;d!! January 2011 – present.”

A man boobed sweetie named Caleb is next. How come we celebrate women for their boobs but diss men for them? Ponder that. Steven says “I know why you’re here. We’re here cuz we’re not all there!” Then he wheezes a pack a day laugh. He’s…actually kinda wonderful. I didn’t know what to expect when his name was announced as a replacement, but I think I likey.

And…Caleb can sing! It’s a nasally yell, but I love Fantasia so I’m on board. Stephen is into it, clapping along. At the end, he wheezescreeches. He’s really gotta stop doing that. It was cute a couple decades ago, but now it sounds like a bus coming to a stop. And no one likes busses.

The judges are all loving him. He missed a few notes, but this is the positive season so let’s forget it. Get this kid some conditioner and a training bra and call it a day.

There’s a new age limit this year, which means we get to see actual toddlers. Kenzie is fifteen, is gorgeous, has a gorgeous voice, and is so through. Positivity is great in real life you guys, but I don’t want it on my fucking TV, k? Give me some mentally unstable toothless meth heads singing These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ before I contact customer service on your asses.

Montage of skinny people getting golden tickets and screaming like little girls. Is Michelle Obama producing this year? Cuz I’m almost forgetting that this is America. Bring on the stretch marks, dammit! Tink warns us that it’s time to give people some bad news. Let’s start with a girl named Ashitty. Those parents should be jailed. I don’t care if they’re from Zimbabwe or whatever. You can’t find success with a name like that. Poor girl probably feels dissed every time her name is called out at the doctor’s office. A shitty! A shitty! Why are you crying? I’m just reading the name you wrote down on the waiting list.

Every day’s A Shitty day.

She’s singing “Dress You Up” by Madonna. She sings it like a drunk Edith Piaf, and it’s WONDERFUL. I’m gonna drass ewop een maylooove! HAHAHAH! She’s going to a vocal coach you guys! Jennifer’s like um yeah it’s not your accent it’s your terrible terrible singing. It’s a no. A Shitty looks like she’s gonna be stabbing some voodoo doll brains tonight. Tink asks what she thinks about red plaid. She doesn’t get it and leaves, dreams crushed. Finally.

Jennifer says it was hard being mean. Uh huh. I’ve always pictured Jennifer as the type to chase her maids and assistants around with a rolling pin raised above her head. Tink tells us that Jersey is known for the fist pump, and he’s got multiple dbags to prove it.

Arsenio Hall is at home flipping over furniture right now.

Tink says Jersey is known for Sopranos slang, tackiness, and proud sluts. To be fair, it’s also known for smelling like a dumpster.

For a reason.

Some chunky girl in a bikini with stars on her tits and Big Pussy face is gonna show us how to do Jersey hair. In return, we will show her how to starve herself and do crunches. Quid pro quo, Clarice. Love, Los Angeles.

She is Puerto Rican, so she’s blessed with a loose jiggly body. I don’t mean to diss Puerto Rico, but credit for that junk probably goes to Little Debbie.

She says that Jennier Lopez “made the mark to be” famous and not be a stick figure. I’d like to think Mama Cass would get more respect when it comes to segments like this if she hadn’t choked on a ham sandwich. Just embarrassing. Puerto Rico’s goal is to make Jennifer cry. HAHA. She starts crying herself when she sees J Ho and says that Selena inspired her to be a singer and a dancer. Jennifer hugs the sobbing mess while Randy and Steven laugh at her fat butt. LOLove this show.

She’s terrible, of course, and sings a song she made up about America needing her. America needs to inject you to become immune to your crazy ass. You look like one of those drawings they put up at the gym when there’s an outbreak of a mystery fungus.

She ends by showing off her butt. HAHAHAHAHAH. Steven is horrified at her titties, so she closes her jacket and sings again. It’s way better. It’s on key and she can shout. It’s not necessarily good singing, but this ain’t the Met. The judges compliment her, but Jennifer begs her to wear some clothes. They’re not….THEY ARE! She’s going through! HAHAHAHAHHA. Poor Credibility is gonna need a commercial break to wipe the piss off its face.

But no. Let’s watch some terrible crosseyed ugly people.

In no particular order.

During one of their auditions, Steven, horrified, goes “honey, honey, honey!” like he’s letting a baby burn itself over and over on a hot iron to teach it a life lesson. He knows how to let people down gently, but Jennifer can’t say no. Or “you have midget face please never leave the house again.”

Montage of Jennifer unable to say no. She can interrupt songs by clapping really loudly and laughing, though, so I guess that’s ok. No’s more polite.

Now for a sixteen year old that looks really smart. See? Even I’m learning to be nicer this year!

You look like you’re great at math, video games and masturbation. NEXT!

Sad tinkly music plays as we hear that he has some horrible disease that had him wheelchair bound when he was five. He’s standing just fine now, though, which makes said sad story moot. You can’t just keep dragging shit up from your past to win a plane seat. Wah I had colic and a double chin as a baby. And I still do. I’m kinda not making any point. There is no proof of him ever being in a wheelchair cuz his folks don’t wanna remember him like that. Coughbullshitcough. Pic or it didn’t happen! Besides, what kind of parents don’t revel in their children’s misery? Almost every pic my folks have of me is with rolls of fat hanging out or claw bangs. It’s called love.

Wheels smiles charmingly and says he’s amazed to be here. He sings “Yesterday” and has a lovely voice. But the lyrics don’t fit. Yesterday was so awesome and today sucks. Standing is HAAARD! Pretty voice. I look forward to his giant faced camera fucking in the near future. Randy compliments his high notes by shakily repeating one which means…He’s through! He sets a bad example, though, cuz now all the other contestants are pretending they can’t walk.

Don’t worry. Wheels’ parents aren’t taking any pics of this.

What judges would the contestants most like to meet? Jennifer. Except for the used to be fatter dude. He likes Randy. You can like people that aren’t like you, you know. I look like Tyne Daly when she shaved her head but I don’t have her fucking 1989 Broadway revival of Gypsy poster hanging in my apartment. Or anything.

Used To Be Fatter Guy’s version of my Gypsy poster.

This chick is mad that she drove all the way from Vietnam only to find that Ellen’s not on the show any more.

Buh I seed her! She has fauxhawk and red plaid!

Tink says the girls are all there to see Steven Tyler. Wow. I don’t…I can’t…I’m just….

Montage of fifteen year olds wetting themselves over him. And now a montage of him sexually harassing fifteen year olds. Something tells me this show can’t shoot around schools or churches. Next up is an Eagle Scout on a mission to stop the world from texting and driving. Ah fuck off. If I’m not doing it with a martini in my hand I should be left alone. How bout you go on a crusade against teens shooting shit up, k? He’s even made a video about it. L. O. LLLLL

I predict a rash of news stories about Eagle Scouts being targeted this week by moving vehicles.

The judges laugh at him before he even opens his mouth. You’re never gonna believe this, but he’s horrible. When he drones “The end is near”, Randy loudly agrees. Meanwhile, Tink’s outside trying to bang grandma to prove to us that he’s still got it.

Steven’s like umnoplzno. Scout’s shocked, shocked I tell you. But scouts don’t give up easily. He’s on to My Way. And….terrible. I did id oaaaaal, and I stewed tooooal! Steven says he scared everyone in the room. HAHA. I like him. Montage of nos. I think they should have let this guy through, if only to see if hair overtakes his entire face during the season.

No for the ex super fat and currently just kinda fat guy who has to burp multiple times when he’s nervous. Wow. He sings Proud Mary. Terribly. His burps were kinda good though. They let him go until Jennifer begs the other judges to make him stop. Steven Tyler asks him if he ate paint chips as a child. Hey. I take offense to that. It’s hard being hungry all the time. And they are technically chips.

Jarod promises to do better and then does way worse. Steven jokes with him and tells him he’s terrible. Then Randy makes fun of him and Steven tells him he’s a natural for Broadway. Slam!! To Broadway! HOW DARE YOU SIR. Jarod is hurt and refuses to give up. Then he burps. The next chick is so nervous that she poops.

Hey! Wheels tried to get in there and ended up pooping his pants. I hope you’re happy, girl with always working legs.

Poo girl is dorky and fun and proudly displaying a busted grill. She is the next Britney. There’s a vocal goal. She can actually sing in a big belty theatre kind of way, but this ain’t that and she’s a freak. She’s crying when she sees the judges’ faces. I blame Steven. Jennifer tells her to go to Broadway. She means it as a compliment though. Poop’s dream is to be the first showtune pop singer and sobs that America needs a new Liza. HAHAH! Let’s wait until the one we’ve got expires, k? She’s close. Maybe season 12. Besides. Liza is already a Broadway pop singer. Unless you don’t consider Copa Cabana pop.

Poop sobs and begs and cheers and dances. The judges are suckers and fall for it. She’s a drama queen wreck and security should have been called two minutes ago. Jennifer gives her a yes, and so does Steven! LOLLLLLLLLL!!!! Randy shouts that they’re insane, and Poop almost has a nervous breakdown. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think this is gonna be a fun season. How could it not be? Please put her in the Bikini Big Pussy Face group for Hollywood Week.

Next up, a cute young hick girl named Huggins. “It’s nowt nowrmil for a sixteeyen year ole girl ta want somethin so bayad!” Clips of 16 year old girls wanting it bad. And Steven Tyler trying to give it to them before the police show up. I get that there is a new age limit and younger people are allowed, but are they ALL gonna be fucking 15 and 16? I wanna see some old bitches up in here. I also want some darts for the hick who made a cardboard cutout of herself.

She’s making videos of every special moment of this. I wish this mom was texting right now. Maybe they could hit the Scout and make this hour worthwhile.

Filling your child with self confidence is great parenting. Unless they’ve got that personality. Then it’s child abuse.

The judges are making fun of her right away. Randy says he feels like he’s watching a pageant speech. It’s the first time we get to see what her face looks like without a smile on it. So the smiling is a good thing. At least until she’s old enough to get her face broken and remolded like a true popstar.

Woah sorry for what we said. Please smile. PLEASE

Unfortunately, she can sing. It’s the whitest, most not stylized version of Midnight Train to Georgia I’ve heard, but she can do it. DAMMIT. Steven is kinda grossed out by her personality and says, depressed, “wow. You’re so… proud.” She cheers when Jennifer passes her and Steven laughs at her dress and tells her “nice dress. Showing off just enough.” HAHAH That was disgusting. I LOVE HIM!!! Randy passes her. UGHYAYBOO. I’m so confused. I hate her but it’s in such a fun way.

Now for a chick from Kosovo. Her parents are war refugees and her mom cries about having to leave her home. Sure, there were beatings and shootings in the streets but it wasn’t Jersey. You can say what you want about the US government, but they’ve got a sense of humor. Kosovo is beautiful, thin, talented, and 16. IN. I’m already rooting for Big Pussy Face. Man this girl is spot on. She has a high note at the end, which means Steven tries to replicate it. He sounds like a creaky door. Jennifer says “now you’re here, you can live the American dream.” Did I detect some “hate you and want you dead” in her voice? More of that, please.

Day 2! First up is Devin, a singing waitress who can’t stop staring at the tip of her nose.

Is that a trick or a defect? Get some sunglasses, plz.

After talking about how awesome the milkshakes are at her job, she wails her ass off. Pretty awesome. She thanks all six judges for their kindness and giggles. Randy compliments her for coming in so homely and still having talent. Um thanks. She’s in! And Steven barely spoke to her. Which means “she needs to go clothes shoppin’.” HA. Now for the bad news. Turns out there’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just a busted lifeguard with a really bad voice.

All the judges sing “I’m a Believer” with a girl like it’s a karaoke party and she’s psyched when she’s done. Steven looks away and says “I don’t think so!” and everyone cracks up. They’ve got a studio audience in there or something and it’s hilarious to hear them laugh at children. This show makes me feel so good about being a terrible person. There’s a reason I’ll never give it up.

This has nothing to do with anything, but I would feel like a jerk if I didn’t post it. Especially after the previous pic.

And now for a freak of nature, AI style. This one looks like Bai Ling and probably has about as much talent. Shall we?

Well you almost ruined Lost. Why not re-kill Michael Jackson, too?

Jennifer asks Yoji Pop his story. He pauses and looks away for a bit, then says he love Michael Jackson long time, even in mama belly. He hate Pary in da USA, so he sing now. He’s a freak, but he’s better than Miley. Then comes the MJ dancing. And then tap dancing. The judges dance around and laugh their asses off. The rest of us feel terrible knowing this foo just called his entire family with the last of his change and told them he was about to be an American pop singer.

Montage of terrible singers singing Party in da USA. They all sound better than Miley. Of course when the fat guy tries, a boat honks. HA. This show hates fat people.

Sing thinner.

So did Yoji Pop make it or not? The way the judging is going today I honestly have no idea. Lots of bad kids parade through that room, and then a thin pretty 16 year old. Hm. I think I’m starting to see where they’re going with this. She’s from Staten Island with a dad who talks like Jimmy Durante. It’s cuz he had throat cancer. And she’s crying! She’s so in. When you’re that young you are too young to have your own pain to exploit so good for her. She has a pretty, boring, mostly on key voice. So she’s through. Yawn. But it will be fun to see how she works the words “throat cancer” into every song intro. It’s gonna be the “dead wife” of 2011.

Dad is brought in by Steven, who’s screeching like a dog being strangled. Hey dad show us a little throat cancer! Tinkly music plays and she’s through.

Auditions are coming to a close today, and everyone’s tired, stinky, and crying. Look at all those losers! Wait that was just a street shot. Sorry, Jersey. And now for the last audition of the day! Gay kid with a twin. Sorry but a twin’s not enough. Do you have cancer? Anyone in your family? Have you ever been in a wheelchair or had a dead wife? GIMME SOMETHING! Oh he comes out with all guns blazing. He grew up poor in the Bronx, his dad got sick with some unnamed disease and they lost their house, there were murders in his neighborhood, SHUT UP. Being a pussy isn’t a disease, it’s a personality flaw.

I’m poor, there are murders in my neighborhood, and my dad is sick with unnamed diseases. If disappointment and unspoken rage are diseases. Where’s my golden ticket?!? He’s wearing a shirt that says, hugely, It’s Gonna Be Fantastic! Oh honey, that’s just not how life works. Travis is nervous and the judges are nice to him, which means his info card says he’s good. And he is. He sings great for a poor person. Thank God he’s from a terrible neighborhood or that would just be mediocre. Steven wants more, so Poor says that he has athlete’s foot and occasional depression. No no no Steven means do another song. He whips out a Jason Mraz impersonation and does it well. Randy tries to play it like it’s a maybe, but he’s the best guy of the day and he’s poor. YOU’RE IN!

His mom starts screaming like she’s scared, but that’s just how she’s conditioned. Being POOR and from Kosovo. Wait. I’m getting my horrible lives confused. Mraz plays out the show as the twins hug and pass around an empty bean can for some change. Even Tink’s crying! He admits that it might be cuz Teri Hatcher lost a kidney on Desperate Housewives.

And that’s it for night one! I wasn’t expecting to, but I really liked the new judges, and it’s gonna be fun to see if Steven gets his ass sued for statutory rape before the season’s out. I will be back for all of the performance and results shows. Until then, we will be continuing the tradition of having a new gasm recapper at the helm of each audition show. Tomorrow night, Bbitz is in the drivers seat. See you guys in a monthish. Thanks for being here! xo