American Idol: Let’s Have Ourselves a Snack

Call Moviefone, get your large popcorn with butter-flav’r topping and throw in some Milk Duds… because American Idol went to the movies this week. Actually, it was more like getting up and leaving after the previews are over, since most of the contestants didn’t actually sing songs you might associate with classic films. Most of them just sang songs that happened to be in movies, or in movie trailers. Going by that logic, someone could have done “Who Let the Dogs Out” or “Walking on Sunshine.” But as we learned last week, American Idol is not about logic or talent or fairness.

“Voted off in a jumpsuit! What else did you want from me, America?!”

Speaking of fair… how about this fat girl who wasn’t allowed to sit in the front row at Idol? Do you believe her story? I don’t. She’s not even fat; she’s just not attractive. But how much of the front row does the viewing audience see anyway? Very little. Maybe the producers thought she’d be way too distracting for the contestants: “What is that, a chubby girl in the front row? Get her out of there! She’ll upset Stefano and he’ll go back to singing with his eyes closed!”

Anyway, now this chick has made a big deal about and gone on the Today show or something and she’ll be forever known as “Fat Girl” on the internet. Congratulations, Fat Girl. Mission accomplished?

“And they didn’t even offer us snacks during the taping…”

So speaking of… the judges are brought out by the special announcer guy at the beginning of the show — because they definitely need Seacrest and an announcer — and Randy’s dressed in his usual computer nerd get up, Steven’s looking granny chic again in animal print and white jeans, and JHo has a wad of tissue stuck to the bottom of her sparkly dress. I don’t know, the first thought that popped into my head when I saw it was “cumwad.” Was that the designer’s intent? I have so many questions, and we’re only a few paragraphs into this recap…

“It looks pretty, but it’s very stiff…”

Speaking of JHo and cumwads and sparkly things, Tink announces that People magazine has named JHo “world’s most beautiful woman.”  The folks at People might be prone to hyperbole, but they are smart. Like Forrest Gump smart. Because they picked someone who was on one of the most popular TV shows in America, and then their magazine was mentioned about 35 times during the episode. Free advertising — and how many of you fuckers went and bought that garbage?

OK, time for the performances. Tink brings out Paulie “Smiles” McDonald and tells us that he’s repping “Nashvegas” due to another heinous outfit he’s wearing. He’s brought out a black version of his roses and sparkles suit. I hope he’s dry cleaning these things between uses, because this is the what? 3rd or 4th time we’ve seen a version of this atrocity?

“How ya’ll doin’ tonight? I’m gone wear this getup till someone gives me a compliment.”

Paulie Smiles is doing Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business. Will.i.am is back as a mentor this week and seems to have smoked a bong full of salvia prior to taping. He wants Paulie Smiles to slide onto the stage, Tom Cruise-style. Jimmy Iovine suggests he do it in his underwear and use a drum machine. Will.i.am says that’s crazy! You don’t want to use a drum machine for a song about old time rock and roll… Paul looks extremely confused through most of this exchange.

So I gotta give Pauline credit, because he didn’t whisper… he actually put forth the effort to sing. Also, he didn’t play his guitar, so there was an awful lot of dancing, jigging, hopping and flailing going on while he sang. Eventually someone threw him a tambourine, so he could stop flapping one arm around. There was also a lady sax player who came out for awhile. For all the effort he put into it, though. It just wasn’t as good as most of the other performances of the past couple weeks.

Sax & the Paulie

Steven was distracted by the hot saxophone player, but likes Paul’s crazy, wild abandon. JHo thinks Paul’s a diamond in the rough who gets a little more polished every week. Randy thinks the song should be the first number in the Paul McDonald concert… he’s not a typical singer, he’s an artist.

People have been complaining about these judges. People have been saying they aren’t being very judgey, and it has left voters confused and unsure who to vote for. As a favor to you all, I’m going to translate what they mean. You’re welcome, America.

Steven: there were boobs on stage and I stopped listening when I saw the boobs. JHo: You’re not ready for this. Randy: I can see you doing cover songs at open mic night in coffee shops in the greater Nashville area.

Our little teeny bopper, Lauren, shows her age by selecting “The Climb,” from The Hannah Montana Movie, an allegorical tale of how easily confused people are by wigs. Jimmy I. attempts to start some beef with Lauren and Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus (they’re the same person — they just have different hair color! Shhh…) by telling Lauren that she’s a much stronger singer than Miley. He also tells her that if she does well, Lauren can steal Pia’s voters. Will.i.am wakes up to say that Lauren shouldn’t steal the voters — she should invite them in, then “make them cupcakes and little spaghettis and stuff.” Lauren has the same confused look on her face that Paul had during his rehearsal…

As usual, Lauren sounds great and looks adorable during her performance. She’s got on an outfit that only a teenager can wear — animal print sequin dress and tutu — and I look forward to seeing her Proactiv commercials next year once she gets her skin straightened out.

JHo says she loves the “tear” Lauren has in her voice. It was beautiful and she doesn’t have to steal anyone’s votes, she’s getting plenty of her own. Randy says the Lauren from Nashville has come roaring back and she made the song sound like it was written for her. Steven says he’s moved beyond tears.

Translations — JHo: Please don’t try to copy Pia. She got kicked off for being boring. You don’t want to follow in her footsteps. Randy: We picked you in Nashville for a reason; now get your shit together and show us the girl who was charming and could sing good. Steven: I’m not sure what to say and don’t want to be accused of being boring, so I’ll just spout some bullshit about what I’m feeling inside. No one can tell you you’re wrong when you talk about your feelings.

After the judges weigh in, Lauren tells Tink how much “The Climb” means to her. Tink is too distracted by her mom’s giant hair to listen. I bet Lauren and her mom get their hair done by the same stylist at the same salon back in Podunk, TN. Lauren’s mom couldn’t wait till her baby was old enough to get matching chunky highlights just like mama’s!

Our boo, Fano’s up next. Let’s check and see if he took TMZ’s advice and got more interesting on the Twitters…

Nope. No he did not.

Fano has decided to do Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road.” Apparently it was in Boomerang, a movie that’s sure to air on TCM any day now. And I cannot wait. Strangé = classic. Every time I see her give birth to the perfume, I wonder why movies aren’t made like that anymore.

Who wouldn’t want to smell like this?

Anyway. Fano. “End of the Road.” Jimmy thinks Stef can win this whole shebang. I respectfully disagree, but I appreciate his optimism. Fano goes into the performance with the goal of connecting with the audience. He starts the song making sexy face to the camera. He looks cute, as usual, and sounds fine, although it’s slightly boring. His dad is really into it, though, and I’d find that creepy if daddy wasn’t such a tasty little nugget. How did I not realize this before?? I think I was too upset to think about it when Tink compared him to Howie Mandel. Unfortunately, though, Delicious Daddy and Steffie have the same taste in facial hair. And not everyone can pull off a soul patch.

So the audience loved Fano’s rendition of “End of the Road” and give it a big cheer. Randy says that Wanye Morris (my fave!) from Boyz II Men is going to text him to say that Fano slayed the song. It was Fano’s best vocal on that stage to date. Steven says it’s not the end of the road for Fano, it’s just the beginning. JHo says Fano’s stopped singing to stay, he’s singing to win and “that was the shit.”

Translation time — Randy: Sometimes people forget that I’m a BFD in the music industry, so I’m going to name drop someone to remind you all that even though I’ve been relegated to cameos in Wal-mart commercials, I’m important, too. Steven: I thought of something punny to say! JHo: Being named the most beautiful woman in the world has given me the confidence to do something controversial, like say the “s” word on TV. Who knows? Maybe I’ll show my boob, next time. Better not, though. Steven’s been undressing me with his eyes enough….

You would be excused for forgetting that Scotty McCountry is a teenager. After all, he’s got the deep voice of a man. But he’s still got the awkward look of a teen: giant head, toothpick body, goofy features. And he reminds us just how young he is when he calls Jimmy Iovine “dude.” Will.i.am quickly sets him straight — nobody calls Jimmy I. “dude.”

After that bit of tension, Scotty announces that he’s tired of not being himself… of performing pop songs week after week… of hiding his country twang. So he’s going back to his country roots! He was going to do “Everybody’s Talking at Me” but he’s tired of compromise, so he’s switched to “Across My Heart” by George Strait from Pure Country. I had to look this one up. It’s a movie about country music and rodeos. Sounds like Pure Bullshit to me. Jimmy I. doesn’t like Scotty switching songs, but Scotty’s not just a grown man of 17, he’s also an expert in song selection, so he’s not going to listen to Jimmy. Who am I kidding, though? This kid’s untouchable. He could sing anything he wanted and people would still vote for him.

Still confused as to who is finding this sexy…

Scotty sounds good, though the performance is a little sleepy and the slow pace brings out all his weird affectations — the odd, jerky head movements, the goofy faces, his unsuccessful attempt at sexy face at the end. As he wraps up, someone holds up a sign that says “Grandmas for Scotty” and the mystery of who’s voting for this kid is solved. These are the same people who kept voting for Gaiken, and then tried to sue him when he stuck his toe out of the closet.

Steven says Alfred E. Neuman picked the right song and it was great. JHo says everybody wants the judges to do their jobs and judge, but the truth is everyone is good. It wasn’t her favorite song choice, but it was still beautiful. Randy like the song choice and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It was hawt and a star has been born on the Idol stage.

Translation — Steven: I’m out of Coke. Can I get a refill? JHo: I have to go to the bathroom, when’s the next commercial break? Randy: I was texting Wanya Morris. He pretended he didn’t know who it was. What a joker!

Casey is dressed like Carey Grant and must have had an accident with his beard trimmer, because we can almost, almost see his face. Just a little more, Casey, and your chubby little cheeks will greet all your fans for the first time!

So Casey wants to do Nat King Cole’s “Nature Boy,” an incredible song that’s been in about a million movies. They don’t say which one he pulled it from, though. Jimmy doesn’t think it’s a good idea and wants him to do “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins. Again, no mention of which movie it was in, so we’ll go with The Hangover. Casey rehearses “In the Air Tonight” with Jimmy and Will.i.am, but changes back to “Nature Boy” the next day. Jimmy ominously says that Casey rejected his — the Great Jimmy’s — help, so he better be right.

Casey brings the standup bass back for another week and does a jazzy version of “Nature Boy.” He even does some scatting. I think that his voice sounds good and I love that it’s a very unique performance, but I don’t know that his sound is big enough to tackle “Nature Boy,” which is an amazing song that needs a big ol’ voice. The judges love it, though, and give him a standing ovation, while Steven yells “encore” at him.

JHo says she was nervous at the beginning, but the beautiful thing about this season of AI is that they have all types of artists, and the American Idol doesn’t have to be a pop star. It can be someone like Norah Jones, who sells millions of albums. Or who sold millions of albums that one time when she had two popular songs on the same album. Randy says JHo’s right, Casey’s a true artist, an educator, and he’s proud to not-judge him. It’s Steven’s time to shine — an appropriate time to spout the gibberish that’s going on in his head all the time, and he takes the opportunity to quote from Nat King Cole’s “Kemo Kimo,” a song filled with all sorts of nonsense words. Steven also says his mom sang “Nature Boy” to him when he was a baby and there’s a certain sophistication to what Casey does.

Translation — JHo: We used our wild card save on you. Even though I didn’t care for your performance, I’m going to say nice things so you won’t get voted off. Randy: Just because you’re not going to be a famous popstar doesn’t mean you won’t be a great artist. Believe me. Steven: Ke mo Ki mo, stare-a stare, ma-hye, ma-ho, ma-rump-sticka-pumpanickle, soup-bang, nip-cat, polly-mitcha-cameo. Finally, something on this show makes sense to me!

Jimmy Iovine is thrilled with Haley’s progress. She started off rocky, but in the past couple of weeks, she’s brought everything she needs to the competition. Don’t get too excited, Jimmy. She’s going to make you eat your words in a couple of minutes.

Haley’s doing Blondie’s “Call Me” from American Gigolo. Jimmy tells her she needs to transform herself into someone as powerful as Debbie Harry for this performance. No problem! Haley comes out looking amazing. I love her dress, though for some reason there are a lot of really low camera angles for this performance. Um, we want to see more of the lady contestants’ personalities. Not more cooter.

Haley starts off a little rocky, as the judges would say. Her performance is confusing — she’s all over the place physically and musically. She growls, she shouts, she’s flying around frenetically. And through it all, that damn left arm is waving all over the place. Dis. like.

American Idol Thighlights

Randy didn’t love the beginning and uses the dreaded K-word: karaoke. It wasn’t a good showcase for her voice. Steven thought she nailed the chorus and would love to nail her in that dress. JHo agrees with Randy and after her last two killer performances, Haley needs to kick it up a notch.

Translations — Randy: Who wants to go do karaoke after this? I do a great rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Steven: Legs. I see legs. JHo: I don’t want all the girls to leave, so I’m going to say things I don’t really mean. It’s ok. I do it all the time with Marc.

Hank Azaria, Rob Reiner and Elvira are all sitting together in the audience, Tink informs us. Um, ok. That has to be one of the weirdest trios ever. Is Elvira in costume all the time? I also recognize another actor — one of those guys you see out on the street and you know you’ve seen him in something, but you can’t remember his name or what you’ve seen him in. And you don’t want to be the type of person who goes up to him and says “hey, you’re that guy!” And then it’s all awkward. Tink must have gone through that, because he doesn’t bother introducing Mr. Z-list.

OK, after that strange interlude, it’s time for Jimmy to put Lusky Stank in his place. When Jacob shows up for rehearsal, Jimmy calls him “stool man,” either because he was in the bottom three last week or because he’s been constipated. Jimmy hangs out with a lot of really cool people. How’d he end up so corny? Last week, Lusky looked into the camera and said that if he gets into the bottom three for singing “Man in the Mirror,” it won’t be because he sucked. It’d be because America wasn’t ready to look at itself in the mirror. Jimmy tells Lusky that you can’t preach to the American peeples when you haven’t even made a record yet. Um, how ’bout you don’t preach to us at all? Can “don’t be an asshole” just be a lifelong goal, whether you’re famous or not?

Getting called out for being a dick and being in the bottom three has put Lusky in a real funk. He seems down, bummed, sad. Even his lip gloss is less shiny this week. He tells his mentors that he’s going to do “Impossible Dream” or “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” He starts singing “Impossible Dream” when will.i.am stops him. He and Jimmy say the only corn Lusky should be making is corn syrup or corn on the cob. Not corny music. Jimmy tells him to sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” from The Pursuit of Happyness. Lusky shrugs and complies, sadly. Oh brother, get over yourself.

His performance is excellent, though a bit weird. First, his back up singers seem to have their backs to him. Perhaps they are shunning him for being an ass? Second, the cameras are all up in Lusky’s mouth. We’ve got a clear shot of his uvula, the scars from his tonsillectomy, and his under-developed gag reflex muscle.

Couldn’t figure out why the other guys in jail kept referring to him as “Deep Throat.”

Steven says Lusky sounds like an angel and fits in so well with a choir; God bless him and his voice. JHo says he’s a gifted vocalist and pulled out the chills on her arms with his last three notes. Randy says he let the song marinate and then blew it up at the end and did an amazing job.

Translations. Steven: I hear the blacks like their Gospel music so I’ll just keep referring to that every time this little malted milk ball here comes on stage. JHo: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s got the most luscious booty of all? Me or Jacob? Randy: [I actually agree with Randy's assessment this time.]

After getting all soft and emotional on us last week, James is going to rock the title track of the movie Heavy Metal. I found this hilarious, because last week, I envisioned that scenes from Heavy Metal were playing in Steven’s head during the performances. I’m glad that he’ll have a soundtrack to go with his head movies, now.

James goes into rehearsals with a look that he should avoid at all times in the future: exposed arms. When your arms look like someone squeezed some marshmallow fluff into a tube, it’s time to keep them covered until you’ve hit the gym a few times. And maybe experienced sunlight.

James goes head-to-head with Jimmy over his song choice. Jimmy doesn’t think heavy metal will go over well with the AI audience, but James is adamant. Hmmm… these kids must really not want to sign with Interscope…

I do agree with James, though. He really shines when he’s screaming to this sort of music, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s being accompanied by Zakk Wylde and his signature bulls-eye Les Paul Custom. James works the audience, the judges and the camera gets in nice and tight when he screams so that we can see his crowded little baby teeth. I’m sure Steven was admiring them while he fingered his tooth necklace and wondered how he could get these new additions.

So James is working the stage and he’s doing a sort of back bend and man, those pants are really tight, huh? I mean really tight…. So now that we know James is circum-sliced, it’s time for the judges to review.

JHo loved it and who would’ve thought there’d be pure heavy metal on Idol? But they can have any Idol they want. It’s America’s choice. Randy says he’s happy James did himself. Steven says it was outstanding and he’s glad James went with his feelings.

Translation. JHo: American can choose whatever kind of Idol they want, as long as it’s who the judges want. Just don’t fuck it up like last week, America. Randy: Let’s wrap this up. I have famous people to hang out with like Wanya from Boyz II Men, Paul Reynolds from Flock of Seagulls and Michael Grant from Musical Youth. Steven: