American Idol: Look at All the Crappy Singers

Can’t get enough of American Idol?  Well then, you’re in luck Gasmi, because we’re now moving into hour 5,476 of auditions.  Okay, okay, I may be exaggerating just a leetle but you get the picture.  Tonight’s audition extravaganza is all about the Beatles.  At first I’m super excited because I love the Beatles, but then I remember what show I’m watching envision what I’m likely to get tonight.

Let’s get to it, okay?

There can only be one Ra American Idol!

The auditioners travel to Vegas by bus where they will perform Beatles’ hits in duos and trios.  Sixty-one people crammed on a bus?  Blech.

What’s that smell?

Uh, that would be cheese and shattered dreams.

Which is exactly why you won’t see HIS ass on that bus.  The bus delivers our young hopefuls to Vegas where they’ll now have twenty four hours to learn a Beatles song.  That shouldn’t be too bad though because they’re also getting vocal coaches to help them work.

Clips of singing, vocal coaching, and tears.  Some girl Lauren tells us she just can’t go home!  I bet she’s he only one that feels that way.  As the day wears on everyone gets more and more emotional, including the vocal coaches.

You’re going down.  Down, down, down.

She tells her singers that they are going to die on that stage, and I wonder if she’s going to be sitting in the audience with a rifle because she is one insanely crazy BIATCH.  I mean, I understand that she’s probably frustrated after hours and hours of working with these kids, but shit, that’s her fucking job, right?  If she can’t handle it maybe she should be doing something else with her life.

You talking to me?

Uh, nope, no ma’am.  Carry on.

Tink tells us crazy vocal coaches aren’t the only thing stressing out the auditioners.  Some of them don’t know much about the Beatles at all, and one kids tells us she’s never even heard a Beatles song. WHAT?!?!?!?!?

CUT!!

Seriously, cut their asses immediately!  I don’t understand how you want to be a singer and you don’t know the Beatles.  Isn’t that like someone wanting to be a designer and saying they’ve never seen an outfit by Armani or Versace?

No worries, Tink has brought in Jimmy Iovine to help.  After all, he did work with John Lennon.

Who?

I give up.  The kids have to now perform their songs in front of Jimmy and his team of extremely bored looking music producers.  This goes just as you would imagine it does.  By the time Jimmy and his band of not so merry men get through with them, many of the kids have been reduced to blubbering messes.

Mission accomplished!

That’s all well and good, but now they need a pick me up.  Well, we’ve got just the thing for them; Cirque de Soleil’s Beatles show!  Ooooooo, ahhhhhhhh.  I guess it’s a good thing they just happened to be in Vegas for this, huh?

After a quick break, it’s time to get to the singing.

Or wailing as the case may be.

Steven Tyler loves this, being a hell of a wailer himself.  He is also a thief.

That’s totally my grandma’s blouse he’s wearing.

Randy and J-Lo also liked this song, but I’m not even listening to them at this point since I am a little distracted by their outfit choices today.

I need a c-oo-l. r-i-der!

Sister J-Lo, oh the time has come…..

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, we can get back to the singing.

Pia Toscano and Karen Rodriguez actually know each other from high school.  They were inseparable, singing together, performing together, fucking each other’s boyfriends…..They’re singing “Can’t Buy Me Love” while Steven howls over at the judges’ table.  Of course everyone just loved it.  J-Lo feels like they just get it, and Steven got a hard on so it’s all good for him.

It’s the next group’s turn and we flashback to them working with Jimmy Iovine who cautions Jacob Lusk not to oversing (translation: caterwaul) through the whole freaking song.  Thank you, Jimmy.  Jacob and his group have decided to keep it simple, and they succeed.  It is simply awful.

Jennifer loved it; she thinks it was really great and they really made it their own.  She tells them if you’re a singer you can sing anything.  How would she know?

God you’re a singer, a singer sings stuff.

Stephen starts out by saying that was stup….  And just when I think he’s on the same page as I am…..he finishes. Pendous.  Ugh.  Stupid is the word we’re searching for here, Steven.  Randy wants Jacob to put the pedal to the metal every single time.  Jacob clues them in on the advice he got from Jimmy, but Randy poo poos that; bring it always!  I’m sure Jacob will be thanking Randy two years from now when he has no fucking voice.

We follow this with three kids singing “Eleanor Rigby” surrounded by umbrellas.  Um……okay.  Next we have some old looking chick and her partner singing “Let it Be” with a gospel sort of feel to it.  I’ve seen Across the Universe, and

This

Vs.

This?

No fucking contest.

No word from the judges on this one; instead we go right into some red fog and a duo sitting at facing pianos performing “Something in the Way She Moves.”

Nice.  This was the first number that I actually really like so far.

Time for another break.  Coming up…..

Did Randy’s egg sandwich start to kick in or is J-Lo having a breakdown?

We’ll have to wait to get that answer.  Right now there’s more singing to suffer through.  Next up, Divo and the Divas.

They have good voices, but I like my Beatles pure, so I’m not a fan of what they do here.  Randy’s not loving it either, he thinks they can all sing but he wasn’t feeling it here.  J-Lo agrees, but Steven thought they nailed it.  Or maybe he wants to nail them.  That’s probably it.

OH MY LORD NO.  The next song up is “Blackbird”, and those of you that know me have heard me proclaim my love for this song time and time again.  I consistently hate almost every “creative” version of this song, so as soon as I hear the opening chords I can feel myself go to a bad place.

But as crazy as it may sound, I actually LIKE this one.  I can already tell that the guy’s voice is going to annoy the everloving shit out of me, but honestly?  It works with this song.  I’m in shock, I truly am.  The judges all love it as well which makes me go back and listen again because obviously I must be wrong in liking it.  But even after another viewing I continue to like it.  I must be drunker than I thought.

After a singing montage of judges likes, we cut over to a gift shop where CrazyPants Ashley is shopping for a wedding outfit.

Unfortunately, they’re all out of formal straightjackets.

Yes, she has decided to get married while in Vegas.  Not only that, they’re going to get married in the same chapel that Brittney Spears got married.  Yes, that worked out so well for her, didn’t it?  In the limo, CrazyPants Ashley tells her fiancé she doesn’t care if he gets cold feet; he’s going through with this no matter what.  Or she’ll kill him in his sleep.  And then she adds a “my precious” into the mix and I am suddenly very afraid for David.

As riveting as it is to watch the wedding of Gollum, we have things to do and dreams to crush so let’s get back to the singing, mmmkay?

Next up are Melinda Ademi and Thia Megia; two of the teeny boppers, but now more notable as the duo that vocal coach Peggi Blu lost her shit on.

I hope someone searched her for guns before letting her in.

She remains unimpressed by their rendition of “Here Comes the Sun”, and the judges seem to agree with Randy calling it interesting and Steven saying it was just alright for him.

It’s all that mean ladies fault!  Wah!

Backstage, Tink is talking to CrazyPants Ashley about her wedding the night before.

Preeeecioussssssss

Um…….I think I want my mommy.

She tells Tink she hasn’t been distracted at all by her wedding; she is super ready to perform.  Boy do they suck.

Steven hates it so much he gives them the finger

Preeeecioussssssss?

I think that’s gonna be a c-ya for CPA!  Buh bye.

The next trio up had a hard time when Jimmy Iovine critiqued them.  Basically he told them to go away and pick another song.  Yikes.  So they did just that, dumping “If I Fell” and switching over to “Hello Goodbye” instead.  Ugh, I hate this performance.

Including the Benny Hill tribute.

The judges are not fond of it, saying that the song was just not right for them.  I think they probably would have liked their original song better.

Up next are funky cold Medina and Little Dirty Bear singing “Hard Day’s Night” while jumping on a bed.  Steven Tyler calls them freaks, and let’s be honest here; he would know.  And then, it’s time for the last performance of this round.

What’s the deal with the giant cross?

These guys are singing “Got to Get You Into My Life” in a style that is way too boy bandy for my taste.  Eh.  Oh, and they also sing their own echo at the end of the song which always sounds AWESOME.  Well, awesome if you cut out the esome part and add ful to it instead.

So the performances are over and I have to say I am really disappointed.  Not so much in the singing itself – I knew I wasn’t going to be a fan of much of them – but I was really really hoping someone would sing “Come Together” because you just know Steven would have totally sang along with that one.

Okay, really weird confession sidebar here:  I used to love watching the Sgt. Pepper movie when I was younger.  You know the one with the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton?  Now, now, don’t judge!  Anyway, for those of you that haven’t seen it, Aerosmith performed “Come Together” in the movie and it was strangely dirty and sexy all at the same time.

I think that was the first and only time I ever thought Steven Tyler was sexy.  See the power of the Beatles?  Excuse me while I go take a shower.

So now it’s time to cut the herd down again.  They call people up in groups and weed them out and to be frank it’s not very easy to follow because people that it looks like they’re cutting are shown later jumping up and down all happy like.  Thankfully CrazyPants Ashley gets cut along with twenty other people.

But the cuts aren’t over yet.  The forty remaining kids will now travel back to Hollywood, perform a solo we won’t be shown, and then told whether or not they’ve made it through to the top twenty-four.  We’re going to spend the next fucking HOUR of this episode hearing the judges break the news to less than a quarter of those people.  Fuuuuuuuck.

We get the opening credits again which means originally this portion was supposed to be an entirely separate episode.  Lucky for me that I get to add it to the Beatles desecration I’m already recapping.

I hope they’ve done some reinforcement work on that chair.

Either that or they’re continuing their streak of cruelty and hoping that someone will break that chair and fall on their ass.  Alright, I’ll admit I might give a little chuckle if that happened but I certainly won’t be hoping it happens or anything.  What?  Why are you all looking at me like that?

Tink tells us about the long walk to the chair that each contestant will have to take in order to hear whether they’ve made the cut to the top twenty four.

Shit, I’m getting winded just looking at that distance.

What is that, like a fucking mile or something?  And now I’m imagining that walk back when you’re the one who hasn’t made the cut.  Shit, I hope someone just sits their ass on the floor and refuses to do it.  Make some PA in a golf cart drive over and pick you up!

The judges settle in and we’re ready for the first person of the day, Naima Adedapo.  She shows up wearing a combo pageant/prom/bridesmaid dress.

You can tell that J-Lo hasn’t completely lost touch with the chola in her because she loves the outfit.  We get the standard flashback sequence about her journey as well as a glimpse of her solo performance (singing “Put Your Records On”).  They blather at her for a minute or two and she’s crying, but then the tears turn to happy ones because she’s going through to top twenty-four.

Naima takes a minute to cry into her lap before hugging all the judges; she adds a little extra umph for J-Lo telling her she’s loved her since those Fly Girl days.

Is it too late to cut her ass?

The judges are happy about their decision and share a little fist bump moment.  I guess to celebrate how awesome they are or something.

It’s Holly Cavanagh’s turn, remember her?  Sure you do, she’s the one that cried and cried and cried and J-Lo gave her a chance to sing another song if she could pull it together and it was all so suspenseful about whether or not she would stop crying and be able to sing.  J-Lo reminds her that she wouldn’t even be there if she hadn’t given her another chance that day.  Yes, we get it J-Lo, you’re SO WONDERFUL.

So Holly is not going through because J-Lo got outvoted by the guys.  But they tell her very emphatically that they want her to come back in a couple of years.  PROMISE US!!  And then Holly cries.

They really need a box of tissues next to that chair.

A couple more people get the axe, and of course Cuntface Gamboa manages to make they’re getting cut all about himself.

Waaaaaahhhhhh, they’re cut and I’m still here…..it’s sooooo haaaaaard….

Ugh.  I don’t think I could possibly hate this guy anymore.  Oh wait, I can.  He sings “Hello” for his final song and NO DOUCHENOZZLE it is not you I’m looking for!  Pleasepleasepleaseplease let this guy get his ass kicked to the curb.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

My hatred for him is further cemented when he drops down to his knees and then sits criss cross applesauce on the ground before giving the judges all hugs.  And then he drops to his knees again after going down the steps to head back to the holding area.  And then a fist pump to the sky.  HATE.  HIM.

Here comes Hayley Reinhart.

Who hoped that flashing the judges her vag would win her at least two votes to move on.

They talk a little about how she auditioned last season and did she learn anything during her time away.  She tells them she learned a lot, even though it’s only been a year.  Things like showing off her vag,  which worked because she’s going through as well.

Time for one of the teeny boppers, Deandre Brackensick. Oh, I like this kid; I think he’s my favorite out of the teeny bopper set.  Randy tells him he should be proud that he made it to the top forty, and then talks about consistency and that they didn’t he had enough.  So he’s getting cut.

SRSLY?  You put in Cuntface but not me?

I feel the same way Deandre.  J-Lo tries to make him feel better, saying that out of all the people they have to cut today she feels like he has a great, great chance of being a recording artist right now.  She hopes that this rejection will do for him what it did for her in her day; make her work harder to prove them wrong and push harder.  I am so annoyed.

He has a great attitude, saying he just wasn’t ready this year, but next year he is going to bring it.

After a quick break it’s Paul McDonald’s turn in the chair.  He’s one of the “Blackbird” singing duo I enjoyed, but I don’t know that I really want to listen to his particular voice over and over and over again.

Though seeing Flipit tear apart his wardrobe choices will be LOADS of fun.

Not only did he choose to wear that hideous suit for his final solo, he also sang an original song.  I honestly don’t know what to make of the song because I was entirely distracted by bouncing roses.  The judges sit with him a spell, just chatting and he’s sitting there doing the whole “active listening” thing and smiling and nodding and I start to wonder if he’s really a dickwad wrapped in a charming suit.

Is that a bit of smarmy I spy?

I dunno, Gasmi, is it just me?  Maybe I’ve grown too cynical and I’m starting to see things that aren’t really there.  I hope I’m wrong and he’s just a nice charming guy, but I’m getting a teensy squicky right now.

Anyway, he’s made it through because the judges think he’s special and unique and they want to celebrate that.  Tink plays it cool backstage and just gives him a short sharp bro-shake, but you know he’s secretly squealing on the inside.

Who me?

Ashthon Jones takes her turn in the chair and tells the judges she’s been missing them.  They’ve been missing her too, and J-Lo says she’s been one of their most consistent contestant.  So it really should come as no surprise to hear that she’s through to the top twenty four.

Well, no surprise to us at least.

When she goes back to where her family is waiting, she totally fakes them out before telling them she’s made it through.  Bwahahahaha!  That’s something my family would do.  I love it.

Remember Chris Medina?  You know him; Steven molested his wheelchair bound girlfriend back on audition day.  Yeah, I’d say it’s a done deal that this guy makes it through, right?  I mean, we all know how much Idol loves a good sob story.  Oh, and he sings “Fix You” for his final solo which is so fucking pandering and puke inducing.  Yep, he’s the next Gokey.

As he sits down with the judges he talks about what a great time he’s had and how his fiancé now thinks the best time of her life is when Steven kissed her on her cheek, she got to shake J-Lo’s hand, and meet Randy Jackson.  Ew.  Suck up!  I hate this kind of crap so much because while I think it’s great that he’s chosen to stay by her side after this tragedy, any of that greatness is completely NEGATED by his obvious use of it to gain sympathy and support.

Shit, I’m surprised he didn’t wheel her ass up on stage and sing that fucking song to her when he did that last solo.

J-Lo tells him that it has been a blessing to meet him, but they are not putting him through to the next round.  Wait, what?  They’re not putting him through?  Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! I fucking love it!  Hee!  Suck on that sob story boy!

Damn, I thought for sure she was going roll me right in there.

He gives them all hugs and as he leaves J-Lo starts crying about how hard that cut was and how she wanted to tell him in the right way and she doesn’t think she did it right.  Randy and Steven tell her what and awesome job she is doing, but you just know she’s seeing that poor girl in a wheelchair and feeling bad about the whole thing.

She still doesn’t feel like she told him in the right way.  Oh no, they tell her, she really was great and compassionate and please don’t cry, we’re no good at all when someone cries.

Wait, I don’t want my mascara to run!

J-Lo doesn’t wanna do this anymore.  Oh, suck it up Buttercup.  Someone show her her pay stub; I bet she’ll find the strength to carry on.  Well, we’ll have to wait til tomorrow to find out if the smell of money can dry those tears because that’s it for tonight Gasmi.

What did you think?  Did you enjoy the Beatles massacre?  Have you heard of the Beatles?  What about the results so far?  Are you as annoyed as I am that Deandre got cut while Cuntface made it through?  What about Medina’s cut?  Were you as surprised as I am that they passed up a huge sob story?

Check back soon for DearCrabby’s recap covering the rest of the top twenty four reveal!  Until then….

SWAK, PottyMouth