American Idol: No One Brings the Crazy Like LA

Hello there, Gasmii! That’s right, it’s me again with my second show of the week. I’m just thankful it’s not one of those two-hour ones. Who the hell still watches this show anyways? Does anyone really have three hours a week to devote to idiots singing?

I haven’t watched a full season of American Idol since Kelly Clarkson (and even then, I think I might have quit watching it before the end). I just have no patience to watch people sing. It’s boring. But I do occasionally watch the auditions to see what new kinds of crazy they can find. I happened to get the city of all that is crazy – Los Angeles. I lived there for a while and I live about and hour away now, so I’m hoping they don’t disappoint me.

The first thing I noticed was that Randy moved into Simon’s seat. You know that totally went to his head too. I wasn’t aware that there was a “special seat” for the head of the table. J-Lo is boring and Steven Tyler looks like someone’s grandma. Sigh. My sympathies go out to whoever has to recap the whole season of this shit.

One of my pet peeves? Those people who feel the need to scream “WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” at the top of their lungs every time a camera comes near them.

Apparently, this year they decided to let people do online auditions through Myspace. Hahahahaha. Wow. Way to show how out of touch you really are, AI. Who the hell uses Myspace anymore? Probably the same people who still watch this show. Nevermind.

Sixteen thousand people auditioned online and they’re showing up in LA. I wonder if they got a free ticket to attend the LA auditions or if they get a special pass to skip the line or what. Otherwise, what’s the point?

The judges arrive and for some reason they’re STILL showing us a montage of them riding up to the venue and stepping out of a limo. Randy is wearing some hideous gold shoes that he’s so proud of, J-Lo is wearing booty shorts, and Steven comes out smoking a cigar and trying to be funny. He’s not.

Ugliest. Shoes. Ever. Seriously, Randy?

Out first crazy of the day is a woman named Victoria. She says (and I quote), ” God brought American Idol auditions to LA for a purpose. And I believe I am that purpose”. Riiiiight. Because I’m sure LA wasn’t even on their list of cities to begin with. Such a small town. She’s also going to “knock they socks off”. No, that’s not a typo.

God needs to bring her a stylist.

She sings some song about God, and it’s TERRIBLE. Like, one of the worst screeching sounds I’ve ever heard. Randy tells her that she sounds like someone shot an animal. Steven is apparently on crack and tells her that she has a sweet and angelic voice that sounds like a little lamb. WTF?

Shockingly, she gets an unanimous no.

She leaves and tells Ryan that her nerves just got the best of her. She starts getting all pissy while walking out and says that not everyone can sing like J-Lo. Well, thank God for that. I mean she can sing okay, but her songs are god-awful.

Next up is a guy named Jim who has been in love with J-Lo for most of his life. He actually says “his love don’t cost a thing for Jennifer”. Ugh. Really, dude? He sings “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5. He’s not bad. Of course they make fun of him for making googly eyes at J-Lo. I think she’s slightly offended when he tells her he had a crush on her back in elementary school. At least she’s not Steven Tyler. He’s probably old enough for my mom to have had a crush on in elementary school.

Loser.

Steven tells him he needs to work on his voice, but gives him a yes. Randy says no, because he’s not ready yet. The decision comes down to J-Lo. She say she has a good tone and gives him a yes. He’s going to Hollywood.

Out next guy is a Pete Wentz wannabe (and really, who wants to be Pete Wentz?) from Hollywood.

Either that, or he’s just homeless.

I guess since Simon left, no one else is going to bother asking these idiots what they’re going to sing. I’m trying to Google the lyrics because I have no idea what songs most of these are. According to Google, NotPete is singing “Secrets” by Madonna. J-Lo tells him his  singing is lacking balls.

For some reason, we interrupt this guy’s audition to go see Seacrest outside the door. He’s watching various crew and catering people going in and out of the judging room. That was…random. We never do go back to NotPete. I guess we’ll have to wait until Hollywood week to find out the fate of Fake Pete.

Next up are two “friends” (cough, cough…lovers…cough), Daniel and Isaac. Isaac just recently dropped out of college to be on American Idol. Um, I’d at least wait and see if you make it? His parents have no idea he dropped out of school yet. They’re there with him and his mom interviews that she’s so proud of him for going to school and coming here to audition. I bet she also thinks Daniel and Isaac are “just friends”.

First up is Daniel. He thinks he has the ability to be a superstar. Which means he’s probably going to suck. The bad ones are always the most delusional. He butchers Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be”. I used to like that song.

Showering probably wouldn’t hurt either.

Steven tells him that he was way off on the melody. Randy tells him that this isn’t for him and that he’s tone-deaf. J-Lo says no as well and he’s NOT going to Hollywood. Well, unless he just drives twelve miles west once he walks outside.

Next, Isaac is up and he’s going to sing “Build Me Up Buttercup”. He looks like he’s trying to audition for show choir with all his overdone facial expressions, but he’s terrible. J-Lo tries to be nice and tells him that he has  a nice smile. Randy and Steven tell him it was awful and Isaac’s response? “I’m sorry, I did mess up the words”. Hahahaha. He gets a no.

Should’ve stayed in college.

Isaac and Daniel interview they’re going to keep trying and keep practicing. Then we are subjected to an awful duet of “Miracles”. It’s bad.

We’re now on day two, so we are treated to yet another montage of the judges getting out of limos. Oh, and today is the Myspace auditioners. I’m already bored.

Jennifer’s already over this shit. She looks like she overslept.

First up today is one of the Myspace people. So, they have to audition again? What was the point of auditioning online then?? Karen sings Whitney Houston’s “You Give Good Love”. She’s pretty good.

Do you think she actually tries to get her hair to look that unkempt?

Steven tells her that she has confidence and “the spit”, whatever that means. It sounds kind of gross. J-Lo thinks she has good control. Karen tells her that she sang to her on TRL once and J-Lo told her she had a good voice. That’s kind of….weird. Karen gets a unanimous yes. She wants to be the first latina American Idol. Ugh. I kind of hate when people make everything about their race/gender/whatever. I’m going to start making everything I do about being the first redhead to do it. I’m the first redhead to recap American Idol!!! WHOO. Actually, I can’t verify that, but no one cares anyways. See my point?

Next, we get the privilege of meeting Tynisha. She’s a total nutjob, as is evident by her haircut and the fact that she keeps winking and saying “OWWWW!!” (the trying-to-be-sexy “owwww”, not the ouch “owwww”). She also brought along her own (non-working) microphone.

What the hell kind of haircut is that? It’s like a mullet mixed with those horrible 90′s bangs we all had.

Tynisha sings a Frank Sinatra song. The judges all laugh at her and she tells them that she has three albums that are ready to be composed. Hahahaha. She’s seriously nuts. She won’t stop singing either and eventually Randy walks off. So Tynisha of course starts running behind the stage to chase him down.

She’s the special kind of crazy that only LA has.

They don’t even vote before they have to get security to throw her out. She interviews with Seacrest that Randy was giggling a lot and she thought he was cooler than that. Then she calls him the Pillsbury Doughboy. You should have seen him a couple of seasons ago.

Then we get this:

I couldn’t roll my eyes further back in my head if I tried.

Heidi is a belly dancer. She sings “Superwoman” by Alicia Keys. She’s pretty average, I think. But of course the (male) judges are still blinded by her titty-shaking and hip-swaying so they think she’s awesome. J-Lo doesn’t look that impressed, but Randy immediately tells her she’s going to Hollywood without even consulting the other judges. Okay then.

Don’t let people tell that looks don’t get you places. They’re lying.

Next up is another complete wackjob. His name is Matt “Big Stats” Frankel, CEO of MSFP. I’m not sure what exactly MSFP is, but I’m pretty sure he made it up. I guess it’s some kind of record label (and I’m using that term very loosely here) because he’s very proud of the fact that he’s put out a compilation CD with Chaka Khan on it. I totally had to Google her to figure out who she was.

Come on , ladies. I bet he’s single.

“Big Stats” explains that MSFP stands for “Matthew Scott Frankel Productions”. Oh good. Now can you explain to me what “Big Stats” means? Oh, and MSFP is going green, so Big Stats has a bus pass and “can be seen riding the LA County Transit System”. AKA: I don’t have a car.

Ryan Seacrest is trying to help me out and asks Matt what “Big Stats” means. He doesn’t really explain it other than saying it’s his alter ego hip-hop stage name. Is this guy for real? Please tell me he’s joking.

He introduces himself to the judges with this rap, which I will reproduce in it’s entirety just for you guys:

I’m Matt Frankel aka Big Stats
So relax your mind and let your body reach climax
Jump aboard, it’s time for your Wheel of Fortune
And I ain’t Red Cross, I’m kicking them out, girl
You know I got the cost
What, what, what
Cause your love don’t cost a thing.

Sorry ladies. I bet J-Lo already scooped this one up.

You’re welcome. It reminds me of this kid I went to college with who thinks he’s a famous rapper even though he works at McDonald’s. He’s always posting his terrible raps on Facebook. He could be friends with this guy.

Randy just keeps saying, “no, no” over and over again. He asks Big Stats what he does. He is a “freelance music producer” for “millions of great artists”. He name drops Chaka Khan which seems to slightly impress Randy and Steven. I still think she sounds like a character from Mortal Combat or something.

They give him a chance to actually sing something instead of rapping and he chooses to sing a completely unrecognizable version of “Jenny From the Block”. J-Lo looks like she wants to cry.

Any of you aspiring musicians out there, make sure you hit this guy up.

After he finishes, Big Stats tells the judges that he just needed to lubricate up a little more. This was Steven’s reaction:

This was also my reaction.

Big Stats doesn’t give up even though the judges are pretty much making fun of him to his face. He tells J-Lo that he loved her in Selena. She says thank you and asks if they should vote. Randy and Steven yell “NO!” in unison, so Big Stats is going home. He tells them he’ll see them next year.

Big Stats heads outside to his friend who is waiting with Ryan Seacrest. Can I just say that I kind of almost love Seacrest this year? He just seems to be kind of over it and isn’t as annoyingly chipper anymore. Big Stats give him a copy of his compilation CD and tells him to call him after he listens to it.

His friend looks like he’s afraid of catching something from Ryan.

Oh, but we’re not done with Matt “Big Stats” Frankel yet. He interviews that he thinks Randy is just pissed because he’s not actually related to Michael Jackson or Samuel L. Jackson. Hahahahahahahahaha. And then he tells Randy that “we be beefin’ now”. Oh my lord, this guy is nuts.

Next up, we get quick clips of various people auditioning, including is this guy:

He’s so bad that I can’t even understand what he’s singing. He gets a no.

Next is Jeannette Manning from Trenton, NJ. She’s not only really scary looking, but she’s also wearing this terrible blue jean tube dress from 1997.

She is terrible and gets a no.

Then we have a student named Daniel Hall:

He’s also terrible.

Then we have our obligatory guy-who-thinks-he’s-hilarious-but-he’s-not. Anthony thought it would be funny talk walk in, drop his pants, and sing “Pants on the Ground”. That song was kind of funny and cute when an old man who wrote it himself sang it. On a 24-year-old unemployed guy who was probably the inspiration for Larry Platt’s song in the first place? Not so much.

Go. Home. You are useless to society.

Arista Pemberton is next. I think she sings a Lauren Hill song called “His Eye is on the Sparrow”, but I only had a single line to Google with, so I could be wrong.

She’s terrible.

Then Randy thinks it’s funny to ask her to dance. She does and it’s really bad as well. She gets a no.

But then again, who I am to judge. I can’t do that.

Now we have another male duo, but this time they’re brothers named Mark and Aaron. One looks like a poor man’s Mario Lopez and the other one is just irritating me.

And they’re not entirely convincing me that they’re not gay either. No, I don’t mean with each other. At least I hope not.

They go face the judges together and are doing a duet of “Lean on Me”. The judges totally get into it and clap along. They actually aren’t bad, but they’re still kind of annoying.

Oh. He’s totally wearing salmon colored pants and a purple sweater.

If it’s warm enough to wear a t-shirt, you shouldn’t be wearing a scarf.

J-Lo thinks that they sounded beautiful. Randy likes them as well and Steven says that God likes them. He’s got to be on some sort of drugs. They get an unanimous yes and are both heading for Hollywood. Then they “WHOOOOO!!!!” until I want to strangle them with their stupid scarves.

I guess they saved the best for last (well, actually, I’m pretty sure he’s from the day before because J-Lo’s hair isn’t in her homeless lady scarf), because five minutes before the end of the show, we get this guy:

He’s from a plantation in Arkansas. Or the crack house down the street. Whichever you prefer to believe.

The poor guy gives the judges directions on how to get to his plantation (and I mean very precise directions) and tells them that it is very dangerous. Maybe he thinks he’s an escaped plantation slave from the 1800′s and he’s warning Randy.

He tells them they have to watch out for the alligators and the snakes. J-Lo asks him how old he is and he says he’s 59, but he’s not for sure. Isn’t there a cut-off age for this show?

Ohhh. He’s a street performer. I figured he probably spent a lot of time up on Hollywood and Highland.

I don’t know what the hell he’s wearing, but he looks like a cross between a pimp and a pirate. He also jingles whenever he moves. The judges are speechless. They don’t say a word until he just says “Thank you” and walks off the stage.

It’s amazing what you can do with things you find in a dumpster.

The day is finally over and the crazy guy is still in the hallway. J-Lo has security escort her out past him. He doesn’t even care…he probably doesn’t even know who she is. He’s still talking about how awesome he is and how big of star he’s going to be.

According to him, he is more awesome than all of these things.

Next week, they’re going to San Francisco and you finally get your requisite sob story, which was missing this week. Thank God. I hate those. But I don’t care, because I am definitely not watching any more of this show unless I piss Flipit off and he decides to make me recap another episode.

Thanks for reading!!