American Idol: Pasty Gets a Day in the Sun

The number of hours this season has felt like.

But only one can sing/golf.

Who will win?!?! I have a prediction. Heshe will be a Bible thumpin’ cracker. I win! The only shock tonight will be that this wasn’t held in a giant parking lot filled with pickup trucks and beer coolers. Failgate Party. This! Is the last two hours of a very long year, and THIS is AMERICAN IDOOOOOOLLLLLLT!

Tinkercrest is in his tux again, and Adam Hambert is here!! It’s a huge night!! He’s got a shit ton of makeup and a hair that is an homage to what GaGa’s beaver must look like these days. Frightened.

Easy Breezy Beautiful Cover Girl

Our very own Nads was at this finale, and all I wanna do is see her on TV. Wait! There she is! Hi Nads!

There were over 122 Million Votes last night! That’s more votes than there are starving children in Africa! I think that means we’re doing well, world! Congrats! Over the season, there has been over three quarters of a billion votes. Holy crap. I think like a thousand people voted for President. Obama would be kicked off this show on Top 24 week. Since all signs point to the world ending very soon, the theme of the night is white. I don’t get that. Do you not get stains in Heaven? Or do they just have really good laundromats up there? I hope Sunny from Sunny Cleana makes it to heaven, cuz that’s my bitch and if I spend all this time praying and have to fold my own shit I’m gonna be PIIIIISSED.

No idea what I’m talking about? Me neither. I think that’s gonna keep happening. I’ve already made two tiny statues out of boogars and it’s only minute two. Hopez is wearing beige instead of white. She’s daring God to change the dress code for her diva ass, and he probably will. Voting numbers are insane, but actual viewer numbers aren’t as great as they should be. The producers have decided to remedy this by only showing us the creepy old lady from the back.

This is sure to win people back. Just stay there.

Let’s welcome Borin’ and Potty McDreary!!

Those outfits are even whiter than your music.

Cook is here, and he looks as thrilled to be a part of this as he did to be on the show. Just because you have Downs Face doesn’t mean you can be super deep and important, m’kay?

Let’s take a look at all the fans rooting for Lauren in Tennessee!

And hi to you, too, fans of Scotty Doody!

And now the Top 13 are back to sing Lady’s Gag’s Born This Express Yourself Way. I love that even in a techno song, Failey can work in jazz hands. And Naima, where the hell is your toilet brush? This is a work night, Scrubbing Bubbles!

A friend on facebook asked me to post a pic of Stefano DeQueera’s raging boner for her, so here you are. I would call it more of a bendy straw, but I’m all about making friends happy.

Way to take a bad song and make it worse, kids! It makes me want to relive the whole season so we could kick them all off again. And throw Gag on the chopping block, too. I know that goes against the gays, but someone had to say it. Could someone please ask Oprah to tuck before the show? This is just gross.

Who the f is this?

Watching Pita try to loosen up and dance is hilarious. And Failey, honey, you already lost. You can give up the Haley Whorenado shorts now.

The best dancer here is Stefano’s boner. It changes position with style and grace.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

You remember back in the day when having your songs performed on AI was considered being a sellout? Gag is a new kind of star who realized right up front that selling out is the whole fucking point. So good for her…I think. Speaking of:

And now for a cheap Hambert imitation, complete with pleather and jiggly underarms. Welcome back, Twitchy Ham!

Tink intros him as the guy who begged us to give metal a chance. We gave metal a chance. Then we got rid of its ass. Just like Joey, the Clapper, and Paula Abdul. The only thing making me happy about this performance is knowing the majority of this season’s voters are on their knees in their living rooms with the MUTE on praying for God to make this stop. Just like me!

Did Judas Priest dream of the day they’d be standing on a stage with some twitchy ass punk doing cheerleader poses and pointing his jiggly underarms at them? Probs not, but if life were predictable it wouldn’t be any fun.

Twitchy Ham is as screamy and growelly and off key as ever. Hopefully he at least inspired some parents to get their brats to a dentist.

The first song was about being loaded, and this one’s about being wasted and breaking the law. It’s like they’re singing about my childhood. Badly.

Uh oh. The in tune police are here and you’re all goin down. RUUUN!

The last note was like the rest of that tripe. Pure. Pain. We’re gonna honor the judges tonight, too! Let’s start with Randy. He says “dawg” a lot and asks “what is this?” too much. His language skills are crap, but he’s worked with a lot of famous people so yay! He also calls everyone the winner and none of them win. HAHAHAH! Love it. In it to win it. I’m just glad they didn’t show his stomach again. Seriously. It’s appreciated. We’ll get to the other judges later.

Now let’s get to Oprah, singing a church song with Kirk Franklin. Guys I don’t care what you say, Oprah can sing like an angel. A super gay sweaty angel. Sure he misses some notes and scares children, but still. Hey! It’s Gladys Knight!! WOWEE!! HI!!! The song is all about smiling, and it might suck but it’s still making me smile, cuz Oprah’s dancing is really hilgayrious. When Glad and Opes sing together, they’re off key while this Franklin guy is rapping about tornado victims. I have a feeling they’d appreciate that if their TVs were working. The big church choir comes back on for the first time since Oprah’s exit. I’ve missed them. I think the producers got rid of Oprah on purpose to cut down on the budget. That diva needs thirty people onstage minimum with him. That was borderline stupid, but yay I had fun.

I want a helicopter to fly me in. And a poet. No? Fine. Then I want the entire touring cast of the Wiz or I’M OUTTA HERE.

Gladys is performing at the Tropicana. Weird. I thought both the Tropicana and Gladys were torn down years ago. I really need to read the news more. Man, I wish there were more bizarre diseases that we could have so we can ALL one day be victims and even out the field a little bit.

Oh for crying out loud.

The creepy homeless guy with devil eyes is next, and he’s singing “Fat Bottomed Girls”, which starts “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” Hell no. But I have an empty Costco box laying around somewhere if you wanna use it.

He’s off key, off the beat, and just off in general. And Jack Black is here too! LOL! He was hiding behind that couch they used to roll Blind Guy around on. Shlubby white guys unite!

At least one of you slobs needs to invest in a pack of Orbit. The bad breath germs are visible behind you.

Girls come out and ride bikes around the stage while Jack and Shrill hilariously scat at each other. That was terrible and WONDERFUL. YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!! PS I would like to apologize for Los Angeles not being able to find actual fat bottomed girls for this. They should have used Lusk.

The ladies of the Top 13 are coming out to embarrass themselves some more. They’re late, so Tink has to improvise. He can’t. It’s like watching a city lose electricity one bulb at a time. They’re ready! Scrubbing Bubbles had to squeeze into her pleather biker shorts.

They’re singing “Put a Ring On It”. I hope the guys come out and counter with a song called “If You Want a Ring On It Stop Singing Off Key and Swinging Your Mop Hair at Me.” Catchy, no? Scrubbing Bubbles needs to calm down. She’s gonna burst a vein. That little tiny teen is singing a solo line in “Irreplaceable”! In some other key. Proudly. Latina girl can sing her ass off. Why’d she get kicked off again? I don’t remember. Maybe that’s the point.

Naima gets another solo line and bones that one, too. God she’s so bad. I don’t remember being offended by it in the performance rounds, but she was making me laugh back then with her dancing. Pita! She’s outsinging all these hookers and I want her baaaaack. Get Me Bodied! Love this song! Then Naima sings “If I Were a Boy, I’d Still Be Off Key”. Failey takes over and kicks ass. If she’d just stop that growling, she’d kill it. De Ja Vu is next, but everything I have to say would be actual de ja vu so let’s just leave it. BEYONCE’S HERE!!!!!!

How insecure is JHo feeling about her tiny ass right now?

I LOVE YOU B!!!! Rumor has it that JHo is already considering quitting for her own show, and I hope she does and B takes her place. It will be like a war of bad grammar. I have nothing bad to say about B and I don’t wanna even type right now cuz I’m giggling and clapping like a three year old. B for the win!! You know what B would never be caught dead in?

Now let’s look back at the year Estelle Getty had!

Smoking!

Cursing!

General inappropriateness!

I have one question:

MOM?!?!

Failey’s next and she’s singing with Tony Bennet! Good for him for…breathing still. He’s as talk songy and adorable as ever. Failey goes off lyrics a bit, then Tony does too and suddenly he’s mumbling about horse heads in his bed and the rapture and pooping in his pants. Poor thing. They start dancing and I’m scared for them both. But they make it through! Great job! Does anyone else feel like the producers hate Failey’s ass?!!? She gets Tony Bennett? No offense.

Now let’s watch clips of JHo. “I knew you could do it babeeeee!” Montage of the contestants being in love with her.

Move over Frog Face.

She keeps getting mad cuz Randy jokes about all her compliments and doesn’t let her roll around in them. And then we have to see Randy’s stomach. Fuck. I take that thank you card to the producer’s back. On the bright side, I will not be eating any Milky Ways tonight. So….yikesthanks?

Because you shouldn’t be able to eat either.

So basically all they had to say about her is that she’s real perty, and that’s what they say to contestants right before they’re called terrible singers. So it fits, I guess. TLC is next. Why? I don’t know. All they do is lip sync though, and I approve. I would too if I were them. But at least lip synch to the music. This bitch looks tired.

Scotty Doody is singing “Live Like You’re Dying” with Tim McGraw. My poor Meemaw’s vagina is probably rubbed raw by now. I should send her a card. Lots of twangin’. This song is about finding out you have cancer or something. The lyrics are odd, cuz I wouldn’t do any of this shit if I found out I had cancer. You went skydiving? Really? You’re dying dude. Smoke, call some hookers and put a brick though every person that wronged you’s windshield.

Doody’s tryin’ super hard to feel stuff, and McGraw’s hat is covering his eyes so we can’t tell if he’s rolling them or not.

I’m sure my reaction to this performance is predictable, so I’ll just wipe the vomit off my t-shirt and move on. Next up is Tink’s protege, Big Joe.

He’s actually not bad. Could be blinded by his hotness though. Jury’s out.

Montage of terrible ass singers and chunky girls falling down. Somehow it was funnier when Failey did it.

Remember when that camera man was killed trying to get a somersault shot? That was hilarious. Sadly hilarious. It’s like when people die planking. You can’t help but shake your head and praise whoever invented natural selection.

At least it wasn’t the girl who fell down the stairs.

Now all the pissed off trash yelling at camera men after they lose. Best part of this show. This sexy bitch told off a camera man and her kid at the same time. Multitasking is alive and well, America.

Marc Anthony has been on JHo’s coattails all damn season, so they let him sing something. God that guy can sing his butt off. I kinda get why JHo would be into him, but you can’t fuck a voice. You can, though, masturbate with one, so let’s watch Frog Face jerk it on live TV.

That’s one big….note.

There are showgirls with big feather fans, which means Frog Face likes Vegas or he farts a lot and his dancers are sick of taking it.

I have no idea what’s going on right now, but it’s still funny to me. The girls shake their shit while Frog Face holds lots of random notes and Gloria Estefan plays MexiDrums. Hey! It’s JHo! Her butt is trying to out big B’s, but it can’t. She humps Frog Face’s leg, and it makes me happy for once that I’m poor instead of rich and famous. That way I will never be invited to their house for a dinner party. You know these freaks pull this shit out on their guests all the time.

I forgot the babysitter had to be off by ten. Sorrythnxfortheinvitebyeeeeee

J does the ass tremble thing and then touches her toes. It would be hot if she’d waxed first.

Please stop trying to bring long ass hair in. I live in a beach city.

 

J dances great, Gloria Estefan (who’s being referred to as Sheila E for some reason) bangs the drums, and then a big crucifix comes on the screen, as if to say thanks for giving it up so we can shake our hairy asses Jesus! I’m sure he appreciates that. Now please sit down.

Montage of contestants getting eliminated. Stefano thinks Twitchy Ham was the most shockingly eliminated, and Twitch agrees and compares himself to Daughtry, who also got kicked out fourth to last. LOL this idiot is so full of himself. If he sells even half as many albums as Daughtry I will eat crow. He and the homeless guy fake argue about who was more shocking to be sent home, and Pia comes in wearing a beauty queen ribbon that says “most shocking”. Agreed. But the ribbon should say “I got signed the next day, bitches! And no I won’t give you my spare change.”

The boys come out to sing Prince. Stefano takes the “you don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on” line. Well, you do. Thankfully, you are. Old Man Chompers takes over for some Tom Jones.

Darn meddlin’ kids!

 

It’s just like the real thing! But not good. Or sexy. But I always enjoy some purposeful palsy, so thanks for that, Chompers! The boys are doing the box step to this song, which is hilary. Twitchy Ham sings “What’s New Pussycat?” UGH. Just fucking kill me. And please, stop letting Borin’s mom do your hair. You look like sisters and it’s freaking me out.

Doody comes on with some crap off key country Tom Jones poo. UGH. FF. Oprah is singing about having sex with someone, which is the biggest shocker of the night. I can’t believe he didn’t make him change the lyrics. The homeless kid sings a song about stalking someone, which is his best song choice of the season. I bought it. This many crappy, sad, cheesy songs can only mean one thing…Tom Jones is here!!! Sorry Meemaw! That vag is gonna get another work out. I’m sending some Aloe with that card.

Tom sounds just like he always has, just maybe after running around the block first. He stays fully clothed the whole time and no one throws their underwear onstage. What’s the point? Jack Black is freaking out in the crowd. LOL. The tweens who voted all season are texting WTF to each other right now. This show is doing its best to get the Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman demographic tonight.

Final Toyota commercial of the year! The song is sappy, and it’s about how the kids held their heads high all season only to win a tacky, tiny, cheap ass box of death.

Sad horns

Remember how flaming Oprah was?

Hey it’s not Borin’s fault America stopped watching your show!

We find out what happens when Scrubbing Bubbles has to clean a toilet seat with pea sprinkles on it.

You kept the seat down and now you must diiiiiie!

They all have superpowers of suck. Failey hugs Stefano and something that says “Relationship Status?” comes on the screen. EW! They’re doing it?! I have to take a break to pour acid on my eyes.

EW

Toyota has a gift for normal people! Scotty and Borin’ get to invite their favorite teachers to the finale! AW! Borin’ chose a mom type that doesn’t have a terrible dye job, and Scotty Doody chose the hot cheerleading coach. He’s so gettin’ some after this. I hope all four of them are.

You know these kids are dropping out of school now, right? Why are you smiling?

The teachers also get shitcan boxes of death! They seem thrilled, but you know that shit will be on craigslist within the week. Scotty and Borin’ get to choose any car they want! It would be awesome if they asked for Mini Coopers. Lady Gag is next, which is hilarious because both of the finalists were horrified by her the first time around.

Gag is singing her new song “Edge of Glory”, which has to be a ripoff of something cuz that’s the theme of her new album. Let’s google it! Edge of Glory rip off. And here’s the first vid that came up. You have to give her credit for picking a theme and sticking with it.

I believe in equal rights for drag queen fortune cookies too, but calm down.

This song isn’t too bad. I’m just telling myself that because I know I will be hearing it ten times a day for the next year and I like my hate to have time to marinate and grow slowly. There are no gay guys in spanx for this one. Just Gag in a bikini on a pile of rocks.

JUMP

Gag is “artistic”, so she tells in dance the story of how dogs meet and fall in love.

A sax comes in. Bring on Bolton! No? Boooooo. This is ridiculous, hilarious, and the best thing to happen to me today. And at the end, Gag and the boy do jump off the rocks and disappear. HAHAHAH!! It’s like she heard my request from here. Someone give her a pat on the head and a Coke.

Borin’s up next with Carrie’s “Maybe Next Time He’ll Think Before He Cheats”. YAAAAY! Cuz Carrie’s here! They kill it!! I can’t help but hope again that Borin’ might actually take this whole thing, but it’s not gonna happen. I hope she gets inspired by this performance and at least takes a baseball bat to the headlights of Dood’s Ford Focus. That was great! Well done ladies!! Now let’s get back to this show sucking before it loses its rep.

Tink is in the audience standing next to some tranny that looks like it’s made out of Legos. Why? No idea.

Poor thing is as confused as we are.

Montage of the other contestants congratulating Borin’ and Doody. But then they drop the act and make fun of them for being twelve. HHAHAHAHAHAH. Casey ends it with “Thanks a lot America for making us look stupid.” It’s a little too real, and the audience is silent. HAHAHA!!!

MORE B!! This song is called “One Plus One” which scares me. You know this bitch can’t do math. She just said “algebuh” HAHAHAHAH! Sing? She can, though. B has a bunch of songs that don’t make much sense. She just wants to sing lots of riffs to random piano tinklings. They’re usually about begging some dude to bang her. And this one is no exception. Such a stupid song and such a gorge voice. I’ll take it! If anyone buys this please burn me a copy. B needs the money to learn algebuh. She does answer that one plus one is two, so yay. The lights go out on her too soon, and then come back up. HA. Job opening!

And now, as a fitting end to a season of suck, let’s welcome Spider Man, one of the most expensive failures on Broadway! Bono and the Egdge join Spidey, who flies through the audience. He doesn’t kill any camera men, though, which is disappointing. Hey! He looks like the guy with the sideways smile who won two years ago, but he has a personality. Well, maybe not. But he does have a quilted member’s only jacket.

Bono comes in and shows him how it’s done. Is he gonna show up every night on Bway? Cuz he’s getting more love than poor Spidey. The kid comes back in and does a bad Bono impression. Ugh. This song makes me want to squash a spider. At the end, Spidey comes down to JHo’s face for a kiss, but she only kisses frogs so…

OMG Jessica Tandy is singing a solo!!!! She sounds as young and fresh as she did in On Golden Pond! Still got it, Jess! Please keep your clothes on. So now two of the three judges have been up there to prove their worth and they both did it. Now you need to prove your talents, Randy. Maybe you can get on stage and call Mariah on speaker phone or something.

Now for the big moment! Borin looks like she’s gonna barf. The winner is…..Scotty Doody! Hey! I’m kinda choked up! People achieving their dreams! AWWWW! WHERE’s MY FORD FOCUS!!?!?! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Everyone freaks out and stuff. Scotty says that he has been with Borin from day one and they’re gonna stay together. wait. Like…together together? CEWt! Ugh now he has to sing. Boooooooooo. He hugs everyone in the front row except Jack Black. LOL!

Someone voted for Obama…

He’s off key and stuff, but maybe he’s crying? Who cares. Just roll the credits! Giant flat note to end, and then Scotty starts catching the confetti in his mouth, like a true hick. Boring starts kissing him and we’re out!!

Thanks so much for being here this season and thanks IceQueen for a season of hilary recaps!! xoxxoxxo