American Idol Recap: Pittsburgh Auditions

American Idol finally made it to that hidden gem of America, Pittsburgh.  We get a close up of someone who thought he was trying out for Biggest Loser instead of American Idol over the strains of “Black and Yellow”.  Let’s see your best and worst, Pittsburgh.  You know what it is …

Get in my belly, Ryan Seacrest!

Our first prospective constestant is Heejun Han, an overmedicated Korean who compliments Ryan Seacrest on his small face.  This would be funny to me … except I currently reside in Korea and I know how accurate this weird beauty measurement is – Koreans prize small faces.  Apparently, they also like fisting, which Twinkercrest can appreciate.

You what they say about small faces and big hands.

They’re all soooooo surprised that this Korean can sing.  Really?  Check out some K-pop on Youtube.  I highly recommend Tonight, Tonight by 2PM.  You’ll see lots of people here in Korea who know how to sing – and dance, despite Heejun’s twitchy Little Richard moves.

Wopbopaloobop!  My Engrish is good.

He gets a golden ticket (I thought he already got one of those by moving to America) and the audience gets someone watchable in Hollywood.

Shall we discuss the judges and their fashion choices?

Steven Tyler let his three-year-old great-granddaughter style him.

J-Ho’s Pucci-ed out, and not in a good way.

Randy’s wearing one of those shirts again that should come with Spanx but don’t.

Next up …. Reed Grimm, 26, from Wisconsin, sings the THEME SONG to the TV show Family Matters, completely unironically – and pretty well, actually.  He gets a ticket and hopefully will buy a new shirt and download some Itunes.

I also know the theme to Perfect Strangers.

Surprise, Aaron, the 27-year-old voice teacher gets a ticket, and so does Chase Likens, 20, from WV who gave us a sweet rendition of a Jay-Z joint.  (C’mon, he’s a white boy from West Virginia, you know he sang country).

I got 99 problems and a MENSA membership ain’t one.

We get to meet Patty, the Pittsburgh Planker, whose sole purpose is to support her sister by planking in the audition room while Samantha Novacek sings her way into a golden ticket.

The worst gimmick I’ve ever seen in 11 seasons of AI.

And that’s including Sideshow Bob.

Ready for the stereotypes?  I am.  Let’s talk to Creighton Fraker, 27, who’s an unemployed Queens resident and dresses up like Elton John to annoy people play music in public parks.  Mr.  Apple Pie succinctly points out he’s trying to sing like Justin Timberlake just before Creighton winds up his “original composition” with an “it’s gonna be me”!  Then he treats us to a Taylor Hicks on helium rendition of En Vogue’s “Hold On”.   Apparently, this guy stopped listening to music in the ‘90’s.

Also had his last good BM in the ‘90’s.

Eben Franckewitz, 15, from Ohio, thinks he’s the last American Virgin next American Idol.  His thin, sad hairstyle is desperately screaming, “I’m Justin Bieber!”  Despite this, I am still charmed by his manners and positivity.  When he sings “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”, one of my personal faves, we find out Eben’s balls have not dropped yet.  He’s got a golden ticket but he better not impregnate any 19-year-olds before the Hollywood rounds.

Dude, take it from me.  Stick to the Disney Channel hos.

Travis Orlando, 17, from Brooklyn, is a repeat from last year.  He’s one of those fake outs the producers followed around in 2011, telling us his sad life story before they refused him a ticket.  Oh, great … he’s crying.  I would, too, if my mom left the family, I dropped out of high school AND had to move into a shelter with my cane-wielding dad in the year since I was last on this stage.

I’m homeless and stuff.  And I have a twin brother who’s way more successful than me.

It’s Day 2:  J-Glo’s working on her 76^th perfume launch, so Steven and Randy sing some “Pink” to pass the time (most entertaining part of the show!) until she arrives.  La Diva Divorceé must be late due to a wardrobe crisis, ’cause when she finally shows up she’s wearing JCPenney’s finest pleated shorts.

But at least she bought some of the Jessica Simpson 6 inch heels.

Next up is Erika Van Pelt, 25, a mobile DJ/wedding singer.  We get a video package on her and her life looks really … lonely.  I can smell the desperation through the television.  Erika will be singing a Carole King song.  Yay!  She’s giving us the wedding singer version.  Boo!  I wish she’d shut up with the runs and stupid hand gestures.  Unfortunately for me, they give her a ticket.

Now available for bat mitzvahs and Central American dictator annoyance.

The next dude, Shane Bruce, is ALSO from West Virginia (Moundsville, hee!), and is a 19-year-old coal miner.  They give up on their dreams early in WV.  The judges ask why he chose that job (because I’m sure he had 20 different choices and thought coal mining was the best option) and Shane shares that his whole family works in the mines and the job is “stable”.  I would choose a different adjective, personally.  He’s wearing five earrings and we get a preview of his skillz down in the mines with the rest of the crew.

 Please, Hollywood, take him.  There’s no escape down here.

Mr. Apple Pie points out that the judges better pick him before the black lung seriously fucks with his AI chances.  Shane sings “Hallelujah”, which he references as “that song from Shrek”.  Awesome!

I am so very, very disappointed.

Don’t pin this shit on me!

Shane’s quasi-mulleted mom/grandmother/cousin comforts him and his white belt as he dejectedly leaves the audition room.  Way to stomp on the American dream, Randy and company.

Take me home, country roads.

Montage of rejects who are weirdly positive and hopeful about next year.  AI better come back to Pittsburgh in 2013, because I like witnessing the same dreams die over and over again.

Hallie, 24, from Baltimore, is closing out the show.  So we know she’ll be good  … and we know she’ll have a good story.  She moved to New York and joined an all-girl singing group at 15, became an addict, moved back home to B’more, tried to commit suicide with pills, and has overcome all of that to be here, motivated by a husband who wisely left his helmet at home.

My wife.  She sing gud.

Of course, Hallie gets a ticket.  As we leave The Pitt, Jennifer assures us we have found at least one very special singer, “that blonde girl” … so special the cradle-robber can’t remember her name.  Off to San Diego next.  Can’t wait to see if Jen falls off that aircraft carrier.

Don’t bother me with names.  I have a lot on my plate.