American Idol Recap: Portland

This week American Idol is in Portland which I find kind of strange because I can’t really name any famous musicians that have come out of Portland except Courtney Taylor-Taylor (The Dandy Warhols) and Art Alexakis (Everclear). Oh well, let’s jump in and see what talent may be lurking in this city.

We open with some fake recordings of people who are hoping to get the Golden Ticket and a montage of them stepping onto the stage in front of the judges. Ryan says this is the first trip to Oregon because I guess the other major cities in America have already been dredged for the best. Holy cow guys, do that many people really show up to get on American Idol? I’m sure half are just there for airtime but how much free time do you have to sit in line for hours and hours? Ryan’s stupid cardigan gets stuck on the door as he explains everyone has a dream.

Tripster indeed

We first meet Brittany who had a dream that she was on stage with Sara Barilles (OK, dream a little higher sweetie) and then she wakes up. However, IRL she ended up getting two tickets to seeing Sara in a sold out concert and she holds up a sign that asks for her to sing with her. She actually ends up getting to go on stage and sing with her so that was her epiphany that she can really do this singing thing. As she enters onto the stage she frigging trips and Steven makes a comment that she must be falling for him. Apparently her nickname is Tripster the Hipster and I want to knock her stupid hat, suspenders and glasses off for saying that. Randy starts trying to get her strip because her voice doesn’t match her stupid hipster facade and she ends up getting a ticket to Hollywood.

Next up is Ben who is sick and clearly has some personal issues going on. We are spending too much time on this kid who ends up singing a bad version of Lady Gaga and clearly this is one of those people that American Idol hires as filler space. He’s actually not bad but he’s definitely not going to move on to Hollywood. Next up we meet Jeremaine who is a self proclaimed momma’s boy who believes he was born to sing. He believes that this is his time and his turn to really make it and his mom is very proud of him and knows that he has what it takes to win. I think we got a skinnier Ruben Studdard, ya’ll! He does a great job but Steven points out that he must be nervous as does J-Lo. He ends up getting a ticket and Randy calls him the gentle giant because he’s 6′ 8″ and a half with a sweet disposition. He calls his mom who starts screaming with joy.

Jermaine the Gentle Giant

Day 2 and even more people have come out for auditions and we get a nice montage of a lot of happy and peppy people. J-Lo is late because she doesn’t have black tights that fit her big ass, which isn’t actually as big anymore. Then we meet Britnee who looks like a mix of Brittany Spears and Stephanie Pratt (after drugs). Britnee is here because her ex-husband held her back from her dreams and while she supported his he ended up cheating on her. She couldn’t just say I wanted to sing for my whole life, we had to hear all the dirty details? Luckily she is an amazing singer and J-Lo and Randy are feeling her vibe and tone. She gets a ticket to Hollywood and Randy reminds her to keep her passion and Britnee asks J-Lo how she does it with kids. J-Lo says you can do whatever you dream of doing and that it takes a village which Britnee has in her family.

Britnee, not Britney

I refuse to even give this next heffa any acknowledgement because she’s super annoying and she doesn’t get a ticket so NEXT! Then we meet David who is probably not going to get a ticket either. UGH, I know they need filler but come on it gets annoying to have to sit through these people embarrassing themselves. I have secondhand embarrassment for them. Randy asks David what else he would like to do other than singing and he says comedy and then shakes his glasses as if he is in an earthquake. Ryan is walking around in the background carrying a potted plant and then we get to see like 10 camera crew and production assistants running after him. He must be bored but he deserves the boredom for giving us the Kardashians. Next we see Romeo who is from Liberia who has immigrated to the States for a better life. He’s pretty good and has a reggae type quality to his voice and his friends are big hawaiian guys who ask who Ryan is. I love that the had no idea who he was as if he was just kind of hanging out in front of the door for no reason. J-Lo loves his vibe but is worried about what could happen with future songs but they let him pass to Hollywood.

Romeo and his bodyguards

Naomi is next and asks permission to sing her version of Aerosmith’s Crying and she does well enough but it was kind of glass scratchy when she tried to hit her high notes. Randy says she has it and that’s how you do it. She gets a pass to Hollywood with a yes from each judge. After her, the judges hear from more hopefuls and none of them make it. We get a montage of people crying and leaving and yelling at the camera. One girl hits the camera and threatens to go Naomi Campbell on it but Naomi throws cell phones, she doesn’t hit cameras. Then we get this creepy looking kid (I’m sorry but for real) who will also get no attention from me because he creeped me the f out and he doesn’t get a ticket so let’s not waste anymore time on him.

One of the last auditions goes to Jessica whose boyfriend had a massive stroke on Easter of last year. He was in the hospital for a long time and he basically has to relearn everything over again. Jessica has now become a caretaker for him and although it is a struggle, they are still alive and have a chance. It takes her a moment to start singing but she is amazing and in my mind she is the second coming of Brandy. She makes it to Hollywood and her boyfriend meets her outside the door and is so happy for her. Her story was so sad but her strength and determination made it uplifting. They met through music and she hopes this gets them back to that point. We get to see a few more people who made it through and the show ends.

What an amazing story, get it girl!

Next week they are headed to St. Louis!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!