American Idol Recap – The Last One Before Hollywood!

This is it! The final episode of American Idol Road auditions. The culmination of the most exciting campaign since Newt and Mitt had to face off against the Steven Colbert/Herman Cain ticket in South Carolina. And it almost made as much sense. P.S., does anyone else find it amusing that Herman Cain, who tried to bang everything in a skirt has endorsed the Newtster, also known for his “family values”? Sorry, I should know better than to go the political discussion route. Forgive me; it’s been awhile since I have blogged (miss me?) and I’m a little out of practice on what not to discuss.

Let’s get on with tonight’s presentation.

The show starts with a flashback to Checotah, OK circa 2004. What the hell are we about to watch? Here we are with the last chance to get a glimpse of the talent America has to offer this year and instead the good folks at AI decide to begin the show with a Carey Underwood farm sequence.

WTF? Did you realize she won 8 years ago?

8 years ago?!? That might be the last time I actually watched American Idol. Holy crap! I can only probably name like two singers who have won Idol since then.

I have no idea who these people are.

But suddenly I understand why they are wasting our time with this ridiculousness. Today’s episode is in St. Louis and that was where Carrie Underwood showed up to audition. They end the sequence with this.

I can’t say I’ve ever felt any kind of emotion about Carey Underwood’s
redneck truck ride to St. Louis.

In any event, the whole farm montage finally comes clear, so I accept its purpose, but it doesn’t bode well for the episode. It is total filler and even includes what seems like a re-enactment of Carrie’s trip.

She’s so totally fake sleeping!

Now we are back to present day and Ryan stands in front of a crowd in a parking lot and does his usual, “This. Is A. Merican Idol.”

Why is the M so hard for him to get past?

Now they are playing the opening notes to Louie Louie, and we get to see plenty of contestants belting out to the song in joyful comradery.

Makes perfect sense, since the song is about a
Jamaican sailor returning to his lady love.

Next we meet Walter, a cranky old taxi driver bitching about AI traffic.

Damn this traffic!

It is an obvious set-up and I don’t really see the point. American Idol shouldn’t try to be funny. The best part of the first round of auditions are the kukoos who show up thinking they sound amazing and are horrible. Let the contestants be the humor, don’t invent the crap. You guys aren’t good enough writers to do comedy.

Are we ever going to get to the auditions???

Out come our judges and I am blown away at how skinny J-Lo and Randy look.

 

Ryan just looks like a frog.

Seriously, I don’t usually watch regular tv and am pretty out of touch with all things contemporary, so this was news to me. They both looked great. Steven literally falls out of his vehicle and looks pretty good too, for an aging rocker who has been living with a fried brain for the last twenty years. Except what was up with that natty braid he wears? Is there just one spot too tangled to brush out each day? Steve mentions he’s probably got a few girlfriends in St. Louis. Considering his career started in 1972, I’m thinking some of those girlfriends might be using walkers by now.

By the way, since the show is all about filler tonight, here’s a little of my own. I’ve seen a few suggestions of the mash-up that created Steven Tyler. Here’s my version:

+ =
Has this one been suggested already?

Finally, we get to our first contestant! He’s got a fabulous voice. But instead of going sequentially on the show, I’d like to introduce a new format for describing the show:

THE GOOD:

The first contestant we meet is Johnny Keiser from Pompano Beach, Florida.  Today apparently is the day that American Idol will be milking the lamest sob stories they can find, so we have to hear about how Johnny’s parents divorced when he was young.

Don’t be fooled by the sad music & this photo.
The divorce happened when Johnny was 3.

Poor little Johnny only had his dad there to make his lunches. We get riveting footage of the two of them bonding in the kitchen and then action shots of Johnny water skiing. He goes to UCF and waits tables. This looks like it is going to be a snooze-fest episode. This is the best they can do? Luckily I forgive them because Johnny is hot.

The present day result of his hard childhood. Mmmmmmmm.

He sings A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke and it’s pretty amazing. The judges are blown away and keep interrupting him to ask questions and then commanding that he sing again. Johnny doesn’t miss a beat – he’s got mad skillz and we’re already in love with him even before he gets his golden ticket.

The judges have les petites morts in their chairs.

The next decent audition comes a million years later. We meet Rochelle Lamb who has brought her adorable daughter with her to the audition. At first I’m thinking, “damn girl, can’t you afford a babysitter?”, but then she shames me by telling us all how she is going through a divorce from a controlling man who crushed her dreams of being a singer. So, I’m guessing, no she can’t afford a babysitter. Shut up, Luscious.

Rochelle sings Faith Hill

Rochelle has a valid hardship story, but she used to be a professional singer, so it isn’t really a surprise to anyone that she gets a golden ticket. Still, she’s excited to be reaching for her dream once again and you can’t help but tear up at the manipulative music they play that makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time. Stupid editors. But yay for Rochelle.

Fourteen hours later, after J-Lo attempts to summon Wondertwin powers to attract good talent,

Save us, Jebus!

in walks Reis Kloeckner from right here in St. Louis. Uh-oh, here come the violins, which means Reis has a boo-hoo story. His great hardship was that he was bullied in school. C’mon, really? Now, I’m not saying bullying isn’t a serious issue, because it can be, but most kids suffer some form of bullying in school. It’s not good drama

unless that is a puddle of human excrement.

He found his salvation in choir and now Reis is well adjusted and happy.

Reis sings Lean On Me and he does a heart felt rendition that has Steven saying he’d be crying if his tear ducts hadn’t been surgically removed in the last face lift. Reis gets a golden ticket and gives hope to bullied kids everywhere.

Until his own buddies bully Ryan.

Next time we see talent, it is Ethan Jones. He’s 22 years old and bleeding. He was in college but dropped out to become a musician and performed with his dad in a band. Cue the sappy music. *sigh* Alright, what now?

He sort of seems like a Munster distant cousin.

Ethan’s hardship was that dad bailed on the band after he let his life be taken over by drugs and alcohol. Clearly our judges have a script of what to focus on because Steven immediately zones in on the fact that Ethan’s dad is in rehab and we mostly talk about him, rather than Ethan. Oh stop playing Fix You, damn show producers! That shit will tear a person up, especially if they’ve ever seen this.  So we’re milking the sad story of Ethan’s dad and I respect that Steven relates to what this boy’s dad is going through, but enough is enough.

Steven wants to meet dad when he’s sprung.

Ethan sings I’ll Be by Edwin McCain and it is very nice. He’s got a good voice and excellent rhythm. The judges love him and are impressed with his unassuming air and the fact that he didn’t do a country song, even though he plays in a country band. And then the freaking music swells as Edwin McCain belts out how he’ll be your crying shoulder as Ethan freaking calls his dad.

Blood and tears? F-you, AI. I didn’t sign on for melodrama.

And finally, the very last audition they show is a promising one. Lauren Grey is from Arkansas and, because apparently they didn’t have enough talent to air on this episode, we find out not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES that her family runs a wedding/floral shop by day and she and dad play in a band at night. Seriously, first we got the video montage, then the judges ask Lauren about it, then Lauren tells us about it and then Lauren’s parents are telling Ryan the same thing. WTF? There were plenty of Golden Ticket winners that looked interesting and I would have loved to see get air time.

Like some of these, for instance.

 

Anyway, Lauren and her dad perform together at night and they have a close relationship. Her story is refreshingly happy and normal!

Plus it looks as if her dad is Eddie Van Halen. How cool is that?

I don’t know the Adele song she sang, but I’m going to find out, because it was moving and powerful. Jennifer got choked up from the message in the song and all the judges were blown away by her amazing performance.

Jennifer is struck by stars.

Lauren broke on some of her high notes, but I love that Steven tells her that it’s sexy to take the risk, hit the note and then break it. I think he’s right. They all agree she’s fearless and one of the best female voices they’ve heard. Naturally, she gets the golden ticket.

Lauren Grey: Serious Contender

So that’s it for the good. There were apparently more, but for some reason, AI felt it was more important to watch some stupid bitchy old taxi driver complain about nothing than to see the real talent. So that means they spent more time on the humorous bad performances, right?

Not quite.
THE BAD:

Well, at first I thought it would be promising. For me the best part of the early auditions are the William Hung’s and the Mary Roach’s who are sure they are amazing and are absolutely awful. They even whet my appetite by reminding me of those delicious performances with little flash backs.

I miss auditions like these!

Our first bad audition is Oliver McCreary. He’s horrible! He sounds like he’s deaf, even though he’s not.

This can’t even sound good in a shower.

But this audition isn’t funny. Here’s the thing; Oliver says he’s a musician and his wife is music. Finding out he sucks might just kill him. At least Mary Roach had beauty school to fall back on and William Hung was some kind of engineer. I don’t want to see a man have a total dream crushing fail. This is just bad bad.

Next up is this girl from Detroit who dresses up for the occasion.

I didn’t catch her name.

Interestingly, she surrounded herself with hags, so she would appear more youthful. I think she’s really older than the age limit for the competition. Doesn’t matter, though, ’cause she didn’t get a golden ticket.

You know now that I think about it, do you think any of these people would have gotten a golden ticket if they had auditioned for American Idol?

It’s all a guessing game.

Anyway, there is only one other bad audition that they featured:

Marc Ingram actually works at the hotel where the auditions are being held. He’s a bubbly and sweet man full of energy, which is good, because his job as an auditor sounds like a boat load of work for what I’m guessing is a dinghy full of pay.

Ryan encourages him to gather an entourage of hotel employees to watch him audition and be his support team. I’m thinking Marc is going to rock this audition, because there’s no way they would subject him to the humiliation of rejection in front of all his friends and co-workers.

Wrong!

Marc has a little bit of talent, but ignores rhythm and pitch to concentrate on sustaining long notes (he’s singing Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder). His voice cracks on all the high notes and he doesn’t feel the music. He is such a sweet person that the judges want to say yes, but he just isn’t ready for any kind of professional singing. He attempts to woo them with Part Time Lover, but nothing will sway our crew of dream makers and breakers. So Marc accepts his defeat with dignity and insists he’ll still be here in St. Louis singing if anyone wants to come visit. Well, damn it, that wasn’t the fun and hilarious bad audition I was hoping for, either. I’m not supposed to care about the people! Where has all the fun of these roadshows gone?

There was one more bad audition, but the producers thought it would be funny and relevant to make it into a silent movie and only show the mugging from the judges of how horrible it was. That left us missing out on all the fun. EPIC FAIL, AI!!!

We got a brief glimpse of a few of the worst auditions, but nothing that lasted long enough to bust a gut:

Pink muff was so nasal the sound came out the corner of her eyes.

For the first time, I can say someone truly did sound like a strangled cat.

Dressed as the King and yodeling Garth;
it’s criminal not to let us see the entire audition!

We got a hint that other funny people appeared in this city, but for some reason AI doesn’t recognize the genius of their performances.

Why can’t I hear from some of these?

THE COMPLETELY POINTLESS FILLER:

This season, it appears the modus operandi for American Idol is to give 20 minutes of performances and 1.5 hours of complete crap. In St. Louis, we first get Walter, the cranky cab driver who some producer’s assistant probably used at the airport and thought he was funny and had the brilliant idea to film him crabbing about the dumbest shit they could think of.

This was not funny at all.

They silently hint at some celebrity look – alike’s in the crowd:

It’s Tiffani Amber. Can you see it?

There’s a lot of wasted time focusing on Steven Tyler and his potential to be a loose cannon. It’s fine if you want to follow Steven around with a camera all the time, but if he doesn’t do something sensational, why show it?

Why are you showing us Steve getting nasal spray?

Maybe it was to explain why in the next scene, he can’t stay in his seat and is out giving the contestants a pep talk.

“Just, you know. Do what you came here to do.”

He got so much face time that could have been used for contestants, that I started to notice details.

Like his half and half nails.

At the end of the show, they give us a brief mention of a chick who lives in a tent.

Please tell me this was covered in another episode, because this
is the most interesting thing since Jewel lived in a van!

But the coup de grace of all retarded fillers is a “sneak peak” at Madonna’s new video, Give Me All Your Luvin. Yup, Luvin.

Perhaps Dyllun’s mom gave Maddona’s song its title.

So here is a brief synopsis of the worst offender for stealing face time from American Idol contestants.

The beginning has a chanting cheerleading rhythm that reminds me of Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback. Except Gwen was confident enough to let the cute girls be seen.

Madonna’s solution to being shown up by fresh faces.

The music takes on a more Paula Abdulish feel and is simple bubble gum pop. Madonna tries to channel her inner Material Girl.

But they look more like pall bearers.

Seriously, woman. You are 54! I appreciate how good your body looks, but

I can watch the old videos if I want to see this again.

Not your best work, honey.

F* you, Luscious!

And so ends the last Antiques Road Show. Oops! Got confused there for a minute, with that last recap.

What I mean to say is and so ends the last on the road auditions for this seasaon of American Idol. Hopefully there will be some good talent to entertain all you fans who will waste away vital minutes of your life watching this crap. I hope you enjoy the show and that an incredibly talented singer is discovered. Maybe it will be one of these:

 

 

 

See you all on Celebrity Apprentice very soon.