American Idol Recap: The Top Snorety

Otherwise known as, “Our last ditch effort to become relevant.”

Howdy Gasm guys and gal!  Plockness monster here and I am ready to pitch in and contribute my part in recapping this train wreck known as American Idol.  Sorry y’all, but I haven’t watched a full season since the first AI disaster, so bare with me.  I promise to be as mean as possible.  Let’s go!

You know EXACTLY what disaster I am referring to.

Ryan tells us that it’s the final day of Hollywood Week.  There are forty seven ladies left and it is time to narrow it down to twenty.  Gah, I absolutely hate Nicki Minaj, and now I hate her even more because I had to waste time to look up the spelling of her name.  First up is Angela Miller.  I automatically like her because she is singing a song that she wrote.  Plus, she can play the piano!  The judges are totally creaming their panties over her, and I kind of am too.  She has strong, beautiful voice.  She even gets a standing ovation.  If she doesn’t make it to the top 40, then I blame Nicki M’s fugly platinum wig.   Next is Candace Miller.  She keeps saying that she feels like this is her year, so I am assuming she has tried out for the show multiple times.  She goes with “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keyes.  Predictable.  She begins alright, but lord, it’s all downhill from there.  For some reason, Keith Urban tell her that it was “record quality” singing.  What does he know?  He’s an Australian country singer.  Mariah, on the other hand, throws him an unimpressed side eye.  Any who, Janelle Arthur takes the stage and sings some lame ass country song.  She, like Candace, has tried out multiple seasons.  Sorry Janelle, AI has already chosen a blonde country singer.  Her name is Carrie Underwood.  Nicki M. repeats Janelle’s name like, twenty times, and tells her that she is a country star.  Can’t one of the judges be an asshole already?  I want to see a girl cry.  Now. 

Angela Miller, one of four people on the show with actual talent, including the judges.

The judges take a moment to ponder how they are going to possibly chose only twenty ladies.  Meanwhile, Seacrest warns us we are about to meet the most outrageous female contestant in years.  Yes, it’s Zoanette Johnson (sorry, just assuming they have already talked about how crazyyy she is multiple times).  Also, damn, that bitch is tall…compared to Ryan.  I like her style, but can she sing?  Apparently, she has just made everything up on the fly.  She gives the house band a beat, and makes her way to the drums.  Well, this is a disaster. She just sings whatever pops into her head. She isn’t a bad singer, but I think she is making up words. She basically sings gibberish, and then starts singing the names of the judges. Zoanette loses a drum stick. She stops everything to yell at the band for playing too quickly. She finishes up her time by beating the drums and singing “ WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I take back any previously pleasant thing said about her. She is a joke. I can’t tell, but I think Mariah is making fun of her. Nicki likes her. Time to judge the first group! All of the girls we saw are asked to step forward. Mariah tells them that they are going to Hollywood. Goodbye, losers on the back row.

This season just got 50% more annoying.