His challenge for tonight is to sing the chorus of some Carrie Underwood song over and over, and if you close your eyes you can imagine it’s Steve Perry if he got dropped on his head doing a keg stand the night before, but still had the foresight to take a cough drop before singing – for once. Blech. He’s awkward and I don’t like him.
My fan base is people who love men who hate themselves.
Big voice, says either Ryan or Randy. The “but” is implicit.
And then we hear from Nicki “Roman” Minaj, me for the first time, through her nose, and she is not impressed. She basically dresses him down for the same reason I don’t like him, and it is awesome, and I love her a little (more) now.
I need to see your big boy pants if you’re going to be a Pro Fesh On Al Sing Ger. It’s your moment for life, man. (See what I did there?) Put on your big boy pants for that brief interval, because the music business is nothing but a series of ankle-grabs from here forward. Why do you think I got my butt enlarged?
“Be Jolley,” says Keith Urban Cowboy in a downunderly tone. and Randy, Mariah and Keith all look self-satisfied like they just saved some puppies. Nicki sneers at all of them. Jolley goes and pukes backstage or something. Ryan asks some pointless questions. Then it’s Lazaro’s turn, and I guess he’s a big deal?
Here’s Lazaro, and he’s on the edge, the edge, the edge of being a country singer.
Is anyone else bothered, or at least distracted, by the CGI cups?
Curtis Finch is actually a 38-year-old ringer, right?
Love Curtis, ringer status notwithstanding. He seems like one of those sing-the-phonebook guys. He stuffs this weakass folk song about hearts in a jar with more pathos than I knew it could hold.
Dun dun dun! First cut! Based on your bodies of work and occasional input from the producers. Lazaro, Curtis, and Paul are through to the next round. Everyone else, we’re in Hollywood. You will not have to walk far to find some sand to pound. Ryan promises star-studded performances after the break, which – not stars yet, Ryan. Stop bringing “singing star” even closer to “porn star” in that all you have to do to be one is do it.
Devon Velezzzz took his benzos with his Wheaties, so he’s not nervous like these other fools, and I should cut him some slack for totally failing to connect with “What a Wonderful World” and just making it into a big old showtune, because he’s 18. But I’m not gonna. If I were going to watch this season all the way through, I would be annoyed every time I saw or heard him.
And I think to myself, whuh?
Next up is Gurpreet, here to shatter all your misconceptions about guys who wear turbans and how they sing. I’m reminded of Clay Aiken’s first audition, back before he met Mr. Flatiron, Mr. Contact Lenses, and Mrs. Thousands of Women with No Gaydar and Powerful Voting Fingers. That is, you expect something very different to come out of his mouth, and it turns out he’s really soulful and you’re ashamed that you were so knee-jerk just based on his looks. Gurpreet sings “Georgia On My Mind,” and a good time is had by all.
And my turban would affect my scatting ability why?
Cortez Shaw sings “Sunny,” and he’s Stevier than Stevie Wonder, Marviner than Marvin Gaye, and he still makes it his own, and it’s awesome, and just everyone go home and let’s make this the Curtis and Cortez show. You can vote for which songs they sing.
You best come back next year, stinkyhair, ’cause this contest is mine to lose.
Matteos Fernandez is up next. He’s only ever sung in the car or the shower. And he’s trying waaaaay toooooo haaaaard.
You can make this face all night and still squeeze out nothing but a big meh.
He sings “Stronger” by Original American Idol Kelly Clarkson. And he doesn’t sound very strong, he just sounds overwrought.
Matteos darling, says Mimi, you’ve come a long way, and you have a great personality, but we don’t really like you in that way and we want to be just friends. Preferably facebook friends with you blocked from our news feed.