American Idol Recap: You Make A Grown Man Cry

Cuttin’ time! Devin, Gurpreet, Cortez, and some dude named Adam are through to the next round. Randy says (I think) that some of them sucked tonight but the choices are based on their body of work? I dunno. Is Randy speaking in riddles now? Matteos cries, and I think here would be a good place for a self-deprecating short joke.

 

 

Next up is Big Nicholas Mathis. He’s got kids, so I guess they should just give the title to him, right?

 

Big Nick coulda been a contender, maybe, but he picked Bruno Mars “Locked Out of Heaven” to sing. This affects his chances for advancement like, well, a grenade. Urban Cowboy says Nick’s not chasing a dream, he’s just chasing a song. Huh? The show also says Huh, but Nick knows when he’s been sent packing, and just leave him alone, stupid camera, we all know what bitter disappointment looks like. Mimi still likes him. Ryan still likes to voice over false hope.

 

Nicki’s made her decision before he sings, ’cause she recognizes the song, and I think she actually goes “oh no.” It’s a Lady Gaga song? Possibly her least fun one? It sounds like Crock O’Peaches thinks he’s too good to put any effort into it or something, like he’s tired and bored, and I wish his mom or his cheer coach was behind the judges digging her fingers into her face to make dimples and telling him to smile! sp/narkle! shine! because, he just basically sounded bleargh.

Pffff. You pop hasbeens and the TV audience aren’t even worth using product in my hair.

So then we get some background on Jimmy Smith, who should bypass this competition completely and go on to play John Schneider‘s son in a gripping Hallmark Movie of the Week. He’s on my don’t-hate list ’cause he’s another one who respects his elders by singing “Landslide”  (although it’s possible he thinks Billy Corgan wrote it - he’s getting older too). He sells it, I buy it. Mariah likes him, and she also likes taking passive-aggressive jabs at her fellow judges about not agreeing all the time.

Just a good old boy…

Just a good, much older boy.

So Jimmy gets through. Redeemed! But Papa Peaches does not, and he’s smug about it, and Big Nick does not, because they already have a Ruben Studdard and they were hoping he’d be like some kind of a Chicago Blues Deep Dish Ruben Studdard but he’s not even wearing a Bulls hat, for crying out loud. They put their super-lithe handheld-camerafolk on chasing him until he has to shake his moobs in self-disgust.

Johnny Keezer and Vincent Powell don’t get their songs seen, so I’m not holding out hope for them getting through the next-next round.

Next up is Nick Boddington, who plays his own keyboard and he can’t look at the stars and who the heck are Joey Potter and the Nocturnals? He’s not bad.

But I can’t look at him without thinking he’d look better as a lady.

Speaking of pretty dudes, here comes Charlie with a stupid story about a girl. He does an okay job with a good Gotye song (“Somebody I Used to Know”) but he still leaves me cold. Nicki gives him a big ol’ tongue bath.

 

Cut! Cut! Cut! Mimi explains that there’s been, as Christopher Moltisanti once said, “dysentery in the ranks” [sic] and we get it, Mimi, and we’re sorry we can’t have a show called Mimi’s House of Hard Luck where you just hug them all to your bosom and tell them it’s gonna be okay. You know who you can save that for? Paula Abdul.

 

Nick Boddington is through. Jayda? who is not a pretty girl but apparently would like to be, is through. Manthony Somebody is through, and Carrot Bottom.

 

 

Burnell Taylor and Marvin Calderon both got their hearts caught in some lady’s jar, and they can’t hold a candle to Curtis on that song, y’ask me. Nonetheless, they’re both in the jar of Next Round.

 

Here’s Micah, the guy with the speech thing that completely goes away when he sings. He tells the camera (I think) that Nicki told him, “screw your story ’cause you’re a really good singer.” I’ll look up his story right after I learn all the words to “Jar of Hearts.”

 

 

And then they cut him! What the what? He’s an excellent sport about it. They also cut Wavy Gabey, Sonny with the hat, and the equally good sport Nate.

 

Aaaand, there’s a twist! This is a really long hour. 

 

Congrats, says Randy… FOR NOW! Next Thursday, we’re gonna step on the dreams of 8 more of you and grind them into the ground with our heels. But first, it’s the girls next week! And they all go Woo! a lot!

 

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