American Idol Results: Linda Granger Rides Again

Tonight on American Idol, we are treated to visions of gay hell and the story of how Harry got herpes.

We all get that reality isn’t really real on TV. So when Rocky music plays and the audience screams and the judge’s comments are edited down to “in it to win it!” “brilliant vocals!” and “you look thin with the snake hair!” we know it’s an illusion. Sometimes, though, you have to put your foot down and just call bullshit.

Why stop at enlarging the hat? Why not just take away his eight chins and his manboobs too? LIARS!

Last night’s episode was the lowest rated ep since 2002! Isn’t that so sad? We’re lying big tonight though, so Tink tells us that last night there were over thirty zillion votes. There are a lot of deaf people in the world obsessed with voting for things. I blame the hormones in milk. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is wearing Michael Kors.

Literally.

Ellen tries to do a Randy impersonation, but she is way too white. And literate. Skara looks beautiful. What has she done? Not that she was ugly before, but the woman is glowing. I think it’s probably some kind of deal with Satan. It would explain the black eyes.

Simon’s changing it up tonight by wearing not only one crappy top, but two! Thankfully, his butt cutt is consistent. I could stare at that thing for hours. I thought it would catch on and become men’s The Rachel, but it didn’t happen. He looks a little scared tonight. And extremely red.

Tink plugs the snot out of the summer Idol tour, and it’s gonna need it. They used to play stadiums, but I’d imagine they’re about ready to move into midsize dinner theaters.

Frank Sinatra Medley time! YAY! The guys start off singing “The Lady is a Tramp”, which of course means Crystal OrganiJoplin is going to be the tramp. LOL yesterday’s recap title. I think it’s kinda rude to call her a tramp on the show seeing as how she was literally a homeless little panhandler and all. If they had a song called “Fat Personal Trainer”, would they sing it to Green Mile? No. No they wouldn’t.

Speaking of GM, he got a hat that fits! I don’t know where they found that, but I suspect this poor guy was recently robbed.

Little Chicken starts off “Very Good Year” and sounds the best that he ever has. Oh yeah. Cuz it’s prerecorded and protoolsed and stuff. But still. I’m in Juddfan’s AI office pool, and almost every single person chose Casey Prettiness to go home tonight. As if sensing it, he does his best to give a little extra movement. It’s hilarious. Poor awkward pretty thing. Not even spirit fingers can make us forget last night.

Guys. Prettiness’ got the world on a string, sittin on a rainbow, got the string around his…..

Pretty, I know they don’t have many TVs round your parts, but the people who need it have closed captioning. Thanks.

“Night and Day” sounds gorge across the board til it gets to Pretty. He sounds like Frank Sinatra, alright. Like, a day before he kicked it. He’s all off key and tired sounding. Man, Prettiness does NOT take criticism well. It’s breaking him. Did you ever think you’d see the day he’d whip out spirit fingers? I rest my case.

When we come back from break, Lee is working on his smiley stage presence.

This week’s Ford music video:

I had change on my nightstand and it’s gone, dammit. Who would have the nerve to steal my CHANGE?

Oh sure, blame the black guy. No way. That’s really racist, and besides, he’s giant.

If you stole my change I’m gonna flatten your face. More.

Hey gay dude, did you steal my change? And when you might wanna change your scarf before you get bashed. This is a shady town!

That guy was hot. But damn he was boring.

Ma’am, did you steal my change?!?

Ummmmm…..stealing’s a very strong word. Could you give me dollars for all these nickels? The waitress is gonna be pissed when I try to pay. Hey, you’re cute!

Did you take a shower? You look lovely! Fine. Keep the nickels. You should be commended for bathing.

Oh god I have to hide the label so the fancy homeless woman doesn’t judge me.

Poor guy! That’s his car?!? I wish I could give him his change back, he needs it more than me. I think I’ll just bang the waiter. He’ll probably have super jingly pockets.

In the end, there’s a super happy ending for Prettiness, who gets his old job back.

Frank Sinatra can kiss my cracker.

Let’s have a look at how Tuesdays have changed for the contestants! Prettiness used to sleep all day, OrganiJop would set her baby down on a corner with an upside down baseball cap in front of it, Green Mile would yell at people in the gym while eating three bags of Wendy’s, Little Chicken would practice getting his fist in his mouth, and Lee would stare at the mirror trying to get his face to look as much like Garfield the Cat’s as possible. Now, THEY’RE FAMOUS!!

We get two full minutes on how they wake up and go eat breakfast. Fascinating. Then, they go to hair and makeup and rehearse. That’s when it gets interesting, cuz we get to see the stand in judges. LOL! They look like the judges would look like without plastic surgery, botox, starvation, cocaine, and Mister Rogers sweaters. FauxRandy is hilarious. He just woos and strings words together that don’t quite match.

Finally, a part for a bull dyke stand in. They don’t come around often.

Tink asks Green Mile if he sleeps ok before the big elimination show, and Green Mile’s all “uhhhh, meh, I don’t know.” Sorry, why don’t you write down a question you like and hand it to Tink, ass. Don’t they rehearse these first? Tink asks Prettiness how he feels going into eliminations after the night without a guitar, and he answers “yeah we all saw how well that worked out.” Aw. But true. It wasn’t just the missing guitar, though. It was also the missing pitch, notes, emotion, and shirtlessness.

Dim the lights! The Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? music plays, and Lee is called up to the stage. Simon says he didn’t watch the show back last night cuz he doesn’t like to see himself on TV. Skara says “I wonder why!” about ten times. No one laughs or listens to her. Simon compliments Lee, and he sounds stuttery and super bored. He’s doing his best to kill this show before he goes. Lee’s safe, duh. He looks totally excited.

Now let’s see what it’s like in a training session for the audience members of American Idol.

And now! Lady Gaga! She got rich and famous and her first purchase was exactly what mine would be. A bendy muscular dude that doesn’t talk.

She’s in a veil and on top of her piano is one of Hambert’s costumes from last year.

If you think about it, Gaga made Hambert’s success possible. How many drag queens got a chance before her? Ru, but that was ages ago and she only had one hit. Thanks, Gaga! The song is about being caught in a bad romance. It’s hard to find winners when you go out looking like this.

Why can’t I just find a nice normal guy with a job?

This number is a representation of gay hell.

Have you ever tried to hide your love handles by wearing bike shorts and pulling them up to your rib cage? This guy has.

Um, isn’t the average audience member age for this season like five? Cuz this is a little disturbing.

When you come across a gay guy, kids, just nail him to a tree.

Take notes, Little Chicken. You’ll be jizzed quizzed later.

Gaga has a big blonde wig just kinda placed on top of her dark hair. She looks like a Rock of Love girl. I miss that skunk hair! Get better Bret Michaels!

The song is called Alejandro, and it’s an homage to Fernando, I think. The guys start marching in a gay military protest dance while Gaga writhes all over the floor. She’s got all this crap obscuring her face, which sounds like a wise business decision.

What you can’t see can’t hurt you.

You know these guys have their families sitting around the TVs watching this with horrified looks on their faces.

Hey! Who lit a match while that angel farted?

The only thing I can think when I look at her is “That bitch stole Linda Granger’s act!”

Tell me I’m wrong.

Now a montage of Harry Connick Jr being a wacky mentor. He’s funny and charming and I love him. He makes fun of OrganiJ’s dead bird earrings and calls Prettiness’ mom to tell her her kid is ugly. LOL. He also tells us that pitchy’s not a word and tells Green Mile to stop whining about having a baby. He makes a crack about Organi’s insulin pump and deadpans to the cameras about what a bore Lee is.

Check, please!

That guy should stick around for the rest of the show’s run. It’s only like a yearlong commitment, you can do it! He comes out to sing, and his vocal style makes much more sense to me now that I know he’s always kidding. I think he might be joking and people who are attracted to his music are so glad to hear these songs again that they take him seriously. I have all his albums, which means I am one of those old fuckers. It’s kind of a character voice, but he’s so commited that I buy it hook line and sinker. I feel like I’m at a retirement party. But there’s no cake. This is the worst retirement party EVAR.

The contestants come out to sing AGAIN. JESUS how long does this need to be? They’re boring and Organi’s mic is turned up louder than everyone else’s. Shocker. FF.

When I press play, Lee and Chicken are harmonizing really well, and Lee looks like he just won a million dollars.

As cheesy as montages are in general, I have to say these are the best they’ve been with Harry at the helm. Ricky Minor’s outside right now keying his car. Harry tells a story about how he played for Frankie’s 75th bday and he was so nervous that he forgot the words and embarrassed himself. Frankie walked out to go up to his room, and Harry followed him into the elevator and introduced himself. He waited for words of wisdom. Instead, Frank just told Harry’s wife she was hot, kissed her all wet on the lips, and left. LOL. And that’s how Harry got herpes. Thanks for sharing!

Organi J is sent to the stage to start a group. Green Mile is sent to a different group. Chicken is sent to Green Mile’s side and Prettiness to Organi’s. Lee has to choose the safe group, but he opts not to. I think Organi and Pretty are. No one’s voting out the only girl and the dude with great hair. YAY! Green Mile and Chicken are in the bottom. Could I actually guess one right? I say Chicken’s out. And…..he is! Aw. Green Mile hugs him too hard and talks in Chicken’s ear. Take your time, dude! This show hasn’t wasted enough time.

Chicken’s end song is as snorey as last night, but more off key. Unfortunately, he doesn’t sob. BOOOOO! He did well this season and really grew a lot. Well, his eyebrows did. Remember when they were shaped like tiny feet?

Those brows have had quite a journey.

See you next time, and thanks for being here!