Welcome to American Idol Results! Tonight will be full of crying! Bad dancing! Young people’s dreams being crushed! HOLLER! Back in the old days, Randy would make an effort to wear hideous clothes for our entertainment, but he’s been out tackied this year by the other judges and wears jeans and t-shirts. By the end of the season he’s gonna be in boxers and a wife beater. Make an effort, Randz! Cloris Leachman’s in a leopard print jacket and teal scarf and look at J-Ho! She’s got a shoulder diaper just in case her armpit gets the runs. THAT’s entertainment.
Because the computer ate my two hour results recap last week, I’d like to take a moment tonight to thank J-Ho for sharing her newest dance moves with the world.
She ripped off twosongs and mashed them up for her new single, then she basically sat down through her whole video. And they say lazy asses can never make anything of themselves. I feel downright inspired. To take a really long nap. I can autotune my snores into hip hop rhythms, get shots of myself drooling in my sleep and make zillions! College schmollege. I’M GONNA BE RIIIICH!
For those of you not worried about your country in these scary times, wake the fuck up! THIS COULD HAPPEN.
Tinkercrest comes on out in his Davy Crockett coonskin wig and blahs about the “rules”. Will the judges use their one time save on whatever yoyo gets the boot tonight? No. No they will not. They’re saving that for Sofia from the Color Purple.
I loves Harpo, God knows I do. But I’ll kill him dead ‘fo I let him beat me.
Casey, the Smelly Ginger, is sick and in the hospital tonight! Stomach problems. If you’re not gonna groom yourself or take a shower, don’t bite your nails. You’re welcome. Let’s check out the contestants’ McMansion!
I know asking this reveals what poor trash I am, but how the hell do you change a lightbulb in this place?
When the kids see it, they start crying. It’s like Extreme Home Makeover, but with fewer handicaps. Well, barely fewer. Unless you count bad hair as a handicap, in which case this show wins in a landslide.
Hi mom! Ty Pennington just tried to snort me.
That bathtub is giant! I’m gonna sleep in there! After we soak Smelly Ginger in there overnight.
Diana Loss freaks out about the kitchen and says she’s gonna make cornbread, collard greens, mac and cheese, grits, frito pie, pork rinds, biscuits, gravy and fois gras. I hope the production team has a Ralph’s discount card, cuz that sounds expensive. How bout you use that time to practice staying on key? It’s free and it won’t cause Sofia to bust his jeans.
Scrubbing Bubbles Naima takes this time to get serious for realz and tell us that she is POOR and “came from a closet this big.”
First off, what are you, Precious? You live in a closet? Second, I’m kinda tired of people bragging about how poor they are like it’s an accomplishment. Being poor is like the easiest lifestyle choice ever. If I was there I’d hand her a toilet brush and lock her in the bathroom. Someone who’s never been in the closet:
Another reason HoboGinger might have stomach pains. You know people pee in hot tubs right?
The first embarrassingly terrible group number of the season is a tribute to Michael Jackson. Sofia’s giving it his all, and it’s hilarious. He’s the Tracy Turnblatt of the group.
Woah don’t hurt yourself there buddy. Whip out the J-Ho leansit before you break something.
I could swear they’re lip synching, cuz Scrubbing Bubbles is on key. Then Opie Cash and Thia Tortilla come on and they are waaaay off key. Like, waaay. Maybe it’s half live? Ouch. Stefano SquiggyFace gives it everything he’s got in his solo line, but I think this guy’s face is pretty representative of how that effort is paying off:
Then Sofia farts and tries to get rid of it before someone calls him out. I guess Diana Loss made those collard greens after all.
Pirate Eyed Adam Hambert does some popping. Or has a tourette’s moment. Who can say? He should probably refrain from dancing in the future.
Apparently, it does matter if you’re black or white.
I’m kinda scared for the season. It’s bad enough that these kids can’t sing too good, but they can’t lip synch, either. Muppets are more believable. That was terrible. And WONDERFUL. YAAAAYYYYY!!! And now, for my favorite part of results night: let’s sell a shitcan Ford Fiesta!
What, are we wall papering things? This is dumb.
I know, but hey. At least we’re not in that shitcan of death any more. That thing was really uncomfortable.
I know. I can’t believe I’m toiletpapering things with Oprah.
Well don’t look under your seat today. It’s probably just the pavement under there. Cheap ass car.
We’re gonna die, aren’t we?
Oprah don’t die, bitch. EVAH.
Did you fart?
The kids come together to put together a new home for Scrubbing Bubbles. AW!
It’s too soon for earthquake jokes, so I’ll just leave this one alone.
Since there’s still lots of time to make children cry later in the show, let’s sell some more advertising space. This week, it’s for the movie Little Red Riding Hood, starring the girl from Big Love, who’s made a whole lot of shitty movies. Don’t worry I’m sure this one will be different! Tink keeps messing with his button, and she keeps staring at his wiener. I’m kinda uncomfortable.
A red carpet! I used to sleep on a carpet. Cuz I’m poor. Have you heard?
What I Did for Rent
I tried to get a pic but Pirate Ham’s giant dumbo ear was in the way. Then he started screaming curse words randomly and hitting himself. So I bit my nails. And now I feel…(falls over)
Um…yeah. Please stop. Seriously. Ouch get off of me. Security!
I love your giant chompers and your palsy dancing. What are you? A vampire? A werewolf? A witch?
Just an old dude with some bleach and twitching issues. Who are you again?
Uh oh. This movie has a lot of flashing lights. DANGER!
I wonder if this movie’s any good. Let’s ask Diana Loss.
Now for the second dance number of the night. Let me guess. J-Ho choreographed this.
Sofia, SquiggyFace and Dial One for English are called up. Sofia says he messed up his song but pulled it together. I must have missed the pulling it together part. Anyone have video of that? Dial One for English says that she couldn’t hear herself last night and that’s why she blew. Hey no fair! I wish I didn’t hear you last night! Pretty girls get all the breaks. You guys, Karen looks just like this drag queen I saw at a Latina lesbian bar a couple of weeks ago. Tell me I’m wrong:
SquiggyFace, what happened last week when America hated you? He felt blessed! I wonder if Dial One feels the same. She’s in the bottom. SOWWY! Now it’s time for the man who set the bar for style and male squealing on Idol. HAMBERT!!! As usual, he looks like he just carjacked an Avon lady’s convertible and rolled around in the trunk. He makes Tammy Fay Baker look fresh faced.
He has a truly gorgeous voice the seventy percent of the time he’s on key. I know I complain about Auto Tune a lot on this show, but sometimes it could help. The first lyric of the chorus is “wanna scream out”, which is fitting. Fifteen seconds in and he’s yelping like a rhino being born in the wild.
This song is all about not being alone in the aftermath. Of what? I have no idea. I think he should just sing Cher songs all the time, cuz this is lame. I forgot how much he squeals. Damn. Make it stop! I hope Pirate Ham gets up on stage with his idol. It would be easier to get through this with some twitching. Fall into glitter and tell a stranger they’re beautiful? Ugh. FF
Ham tells Tink that the song was written for some anti-bullying charity. Oh for fucks sake with the bullying. All these people starting foundations that are anti-bullies, stop and think for a second. Aren’t you bullying bullies? Ponder. And PS if you don’t wanna get bullied, don’t wear a full face of makeup to school, HAM.
Tink says “I dug you on that.” J-Ho takes this chance to show Tink what the duggy is. It’s a dance move. A sitting one. This bitch knows how to stick with a theme, I’ll give her that.
Lauren the Hicklet is called up with Diana Loss and the girl with the f’d up singing face.
Tink reminds Hicklet that the judges hate her, so she cries and says “It was bad and ahm real real soooooreeeeeee.” The audience aws. Ugh. Don’t apologize, just don’t suck as much. And stop imitating Pickler just cuz Kelly told you to. She “sorry”ed her way through the whole season. Hicklet’s safe! Diana Loss says that she should have picked a more recognizable song. Um…you should have picked a more recognizable key. I don’t think some of those notes coming out of your mouth have even been invented. Stiffler’s Mom had fun. Glad someone did! They’re both in the bottom. Tink psyched Stiff’s Mom out and made her think she would be safe, so she started to hug Loss but when she found out she was in the bottom she cancelled the hug. LOL.
Just because you can’t sing doesn’t mean you can’t be rich and famous. For some inspiration, let’s welcome Diddy! The song is “Comin’ Home”. Love this song! Diddy looks great and he can sing now!
Oh wait. That’s not Dids. That’s just some dirty chick. You guys, what the hell is he talking about in this song? He hates Tears of a Clown and likes Kesha. Put the dirty chick back on. I wonder if seeing Diddy is giving J-Ho an old times sake boner right now.
His backup singers are great. They are singing their asses off while gyrating their ginas everywhere. Even a sweet song about going home gets gina grinding. Dids? Knows his audience. Tink asks him to give advice to the kids. Practice, believe in your dreams and never stop believing! He’s usually more upfront and honest than that. Kids, learn to give a good blowjob and find someone who’s good on a computer so you sound like you can hold a note. Done.
Results! Thirty million votes! A million less than last week. How come Tink’s so proud of that? That’s a nosedive, yo! Dial One For English is safe!! Diana Loss is out! Unless the judges save her. Which they won’t because she’s kinda horrible. She’s sticking to her guns and singing the same song, so she deserves to go. I didn’t think it could get worse than last night, but god bless her, she did it! Sofia looks really sad that she’s going home.
She screeches out “LOVE ME” over and over at the end, which makes it all more delicious. Then she breaks down. AWyaayyyyy. The judges are like CYA! J-Ho takes her sweet ass time telling her, and adds that it was unanimous but she was rooting for her. Rooting so hard that you didn’t vote for her? That doesn’t even make sense. But it was still awesome.
The goodbye song is Cook covering “Don’t You Forget About Me”. Huh? Can we have that Diddy song? Cuz that would be perfect. But without the Diddy parts. As Diana Loss is on the megatron screen talking about how she quit her job to come on the show and fight for her dream, she starts crying. God I love this show. She’s mortified when she sees the butt shot they inserted of her. The editors on this show are evil! And I want to marry them.
Did you guys agree that it was her time to go? And who’s gonna win this thing? There was so much promise in audition rounds, but not much payoff in the performance shows. How does that happen? IceQueen and I will see you next week! xo
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit