American Idol Season 12 Episode 2: Ch-ch-ch-chicago

We’re in Chicago, Gasmii, for Episode 2 of Season 12.  Do you think Lady Butterfly is going to push Black Barbie into Lake Michigan?  A few things first before we get to the specifics:

1)  Mimi & Nicki need to quit it with the “English” accents.  Annoyed me the whole time.

2)  In general, Mimi spends the entire episode sipping on her vodka Coke (right, hot cawfee?) and Nicki, both in this episode and last night’s, has been the most insightful and realistic judge so far this season.

3)  Keith and Randy are non-entities.

The opening scene is a confusing one:  we see some sister waiting for her baby sister to come out of the audition room with the other two sisters on speakerphone.  The waiting sister is very excited and immediately jumps on her poor little tryout sister screaming and congratulating her while the speakerphoned-in sisters also holler/cry with glee.  It takes tryout sister 30 minutes to explain that she didn’t make it to her waiting sister.

I didn’t make it.  Also, I was adopted.

Credits.

Poor Kris Allen.  You get to sing from behind a steel triangle if you can’t make “poop face” as well as P.P. and S.M.

First contestant.  Mackenzie something, 17, from Tennessee, is just a ray of sunshine, y’all.  This chick’s dad played piano for Vince Gill ages ago. 

Someone’s been groomed for this shit.

Vince Gill’s publicist owes this little bitch some paper, yo!

I hate it when contestants do stupid shit with their hands, like kneading an invisible loaf of bread.  That’s what Mackenzie did.  Of course she sang Vince Gill, and of course the judges sucked her vocal cock waaaaaaaaaaaayyy more than they should have for the singing talent she displayed.  She gets through.

Second contestant works at McDonald’s and doesn’t get through. 

The second contestant is that one who puts you on the edge of about-to-care and then you forget about him when you get up to go to the fridge because suddenly you’re thirsty for Coke.

The third contestant, Kiara Lanier from Chicago, is obviously a teenaged model.  She has sung “Happy Birthday” for President Obama

Hope it works out better for Kiara than it did for Norma Jean.

and idolizes Mariah Carey — not only as a singer, but as a multiracial role model.  She’s spreading it on thick like some Duncan Hines chocolate (white chocolate AND brown chocolate, of course) frosting.  She gets through.

I have a dream … like, to teach the world to sing.

Stephanie Shimel looks like Mena Suvari if Mena Suvari let Nicki Minaj do her makeup. 

The tears of a pink-eyeshadowed clown.