American Idol: Shameful Self-Promotion

After an epic opening that promised DRAMAAA and surprise, the American Idol results show kicked off with the judges trotting out. They’re committed to their looks, I’ll give them that. Once again we had Cool Dad, Prom Night and Animal Attraction slumping at the judges table and being useless.

Some puppeteer hauled out our marionette, Tink, who told us that there were 60 million votes the night before. The judges acted like assholes and America got angry! And when America gets angry these days, what do we do? No, not organize. No, not call our lawmakers to push for new legislation. We go on the internet and google stuff, and if there’s an easy button to push to change it, we push that motherfuckin’ button as many goddam times as we want. And if there’s no button to push, we change the channel. I hope you were playing patriotic music in your head while you were reading those last couple of sentences…

Tink went over to the judges table to congratulate Steven Tyler, who has a book out. Tink, professor of English literature at Harvard, said the book’s gonna be a best seller!

Alert your mom’s book club! They’re gonna want to break out the noodle kaboodle for the potluck when they discuss this one!

This is also a big week for JHo, Tink said, reminding us that they’re going to force us to listen to her new song again before we get our results. And what about Randy Jackson? He’ll always be welcome at Wal-mart.

The top five performed “Happy Together” for their group number. I was all soft and whispery and breathy. And unremarkable. I did get excited for a sec when I thought that James was rocking a howling wolf t-shirt.

But it just turned out to be some other graphic tee that his belly distorted. The only thing worse than the “Happy Together” performance was the Ford music video. If you’re dying to see that shit, go to the website, because I refuse. I just can’t.

It was hard enough watching this… I got seven cavities from look at this picture.

Since Casey left and took all of his cereal away in his garbage bags filled with clothes and Fruity Pebbles, the contestants haven’t had anything to eat. So Tink sent them to Hell’s Kitchen for a meal. But they should have known as soon as they saw Gordon Ramsay’s jowls that they’d been tricked! He told them that they had 10 minutes to make him an omelette and then he sends them off to the kitchen.

Most of them seem to have never cooked before. In fact, James was unaware that the stove needs to be on for the eggs to actually cook. He always assumed that when his wife walked over to the stove, they just automatically started cooking. And then she’d leave the kitchen and he’d sit under the table and cry because he missed her so much.

After making their eggs, the contestants gave them to Ramsay to see who could be first to give him salmonella. Haley made a mushroom, asparagus and cheese omelette. Ramsay said it was pitchy, so he pitched it right on into the trash. Lusky made a tomato, asparagus, lobster and vomit omelette. James ended up replacing his eggs with rocks, which don’t need heat to cook. Lauren made a massive cheese and bacon omelette. And Scotty made magic by transforming multiple eggs into one giant, burned lump that Ramsay ended up spitting out.

Because he needed to move things along, Ramsay chose Lauren and Lusky as the two winners of the omelette competition. But, we’re promised, the competition isn’t over. Well… if that doesn’t make you stick around for the rest of the show, I’m not sure what will: if you don’t want to see JHo perform, we’ll bring back the cooking bulldog and his fake food competition.

Lady Antebellum hit the stage next. Two bearded men and a lady with orange all over her skin sang to each other about a kiss goodnight. Lady Antebelleum makes nice music, right? I mean, they have those songs that don’t force you to change the station when they come on the radio. You may not know anyone who owns any of their albums, but you can sing along when the songs come on the radio. So, yeah. It was a pleasant performance.

As pleasant as two people with misshapen heads can make a performance.

After the book writing, and the omelette-making, and the mediocrity, you’re probably wondering how the contestants choose songs that the judges will complain about week after week. Or how they choose the outfits that Jimmy Iovine will ridicule behind their backs. One of the video extras purports to explain all of this to us, but all I got out of it was that most of the contestants are really indecisive about everything. What they’re going to sing… what they’ll wear… what kind of artists they’ll be. This is how they come out howling songs no one has ever heard and wearing costumes left over from Oompa-Loompa: The Movie: Part One.

OK, results time. James is told to stand up. Tink reminded us that James sang “Closer to the Edge” and “Without You.” Jimmy Iovine weighs in via video and says that James was overcome with emotion during “Without You” and while teenage girls might get down with that shit, Jimmy I. certainly doesn’t. Ya fucked up, big time, Jimmy’s eyes seem to say behind his transitions lenses. Tink sent James to the far side of the stage.

Lauren was told to stand up next. She did “Flat on the Floor” and “Unchained Melody.” Jimmy thought “Flat on the Floor” was great. But he saw Lauren’s fear overcome her performance on “Unchained Melody.” Fear will keep her out of the finals and he predicted that she’d be in the bottom two. Tink told Lauren to stand across the stage from James. Lauren was ready to cry and her mama was ready to kick some tail!

Before we get to any more results, we’re all dying to know who won the Hell’s Kitchen competition. Is Hell’s Kitchen still on? It was so awful. It’s like all the rag tag people who couldn’t get on Top Chef went to Hell’s Kitchen to sweat and make beef wellington. Long story short, Lauren won the contest by correctly identifying hot dog in a blind taste test competition. Worst. crossover. ever.

When someone puts tofu in your mouth and you guess that it’s lard, it may be time to change your eating habits…

As he, Randy and Steven sat in the audience eating popcorn, Tink told us that JHo’s fantasia of autotune, “On the Floor,” had become number one in 18 countries. And that she was there tonight to lip synch it live! The song started off with a music video… then Pitbull came out to rap for awhile. Then JHo came from backstage looking like a swamp monster. And her back up dancers were wearing harem pants. Who decided that harem pants are a good look? I have news. They’re not. This scene also made me wonder: at what age should women stop wearing midriff bearing tops? I’m not judging. I’m just wondering how old and how many kids do you have before you stop. I’m not saying anything about JHo’s midriff. Even though she tried to disguise it with the weeds from her swamp monster costume.

So JHo skulked and slithered around the stage and then she lied down on the stage and did her fly girl dance lying down. Because the song is called “On the Floor,” so she might as well spend part of it on the floor, on her back. Later, the swamp monster crawled back into its swamp to recalibrate its autotune, and then we had to watch a JHo music video, in which the only redeeming thing was this:

Yeah, he’s seen better days, but still a hottie.

More results… Jacob was told to stand up. He butchered “No Air” and “Love Hurts.” What’d Jimmy think? Jimmy thought that Lusky had a rough night and that his nerves were getting the best of him. He was off on both songs and at this point in the competition your strengths — not your insecurities — need to come out. Tink sent Lusky to stand next to Lauren.

Haley sang “You and I” and “House of the Rising Sun.” Jimmy confessed that he encouraged Haley to do something as risky as singing an unreleased Lady Gaga track because he thought she was in danger of going home. He decided to increase that danger by giving her advice the judges would hate. But, he added, she came out like a lion for “House of the Rising Sun” and won the night and he’ll take credit for that, thankyouverymuch. Haley was then sent to stand next to James, far, far away from Lauren and Lusky.

Scotty McCreery sang “Gone” and “Always on My Mind.” The judges loved it and so did his Paquita, who really hopes he wins the school talent show, but it’s an awfully long talent show her Scotty’s in, isn’t it? Jimmy thought Scotty was incredible and that “Gone” was stellar. He said Scotty came up short on the second song. But it doesn’t matter. Scotty’s going to have an extraordinary career and make Jimmy tons of money whether her wins Idol or not. Tink looked at Scotty and told him that he’s never been in the bottom two before… and he won’t be tonight.

Scotty was relieved… until Tink told him to stand with the group he thought was safe, too. His choices were Lauren and Lusky or James and Haley. The choice was obvious, but Scotty refused to choose. Last time he threw someone under the bus on this show, he ended up crying on national television. Lesson learned. And Tink is a meanie. The audience even booed him. Tink shrugged it off and led Scotty over to James and Haley’s group, making all three of them safe. James collapsed onto the stage in relief, I suppose. This one’s got a bit of the overacting in him, doesn’t he?

We’ll call him Jimmy Drama for awhile.

Lauren and Jacob were standing on stage looking like mirror images: two round little cherubs with fat tears rolling and rolling down their full cheeks. Sniffling and sniveling and trying not to wish ill of the other, but also understanding that they’ll never win, and they’re so tired, and Steven Tyler keeps inviting them into his dressing room and they can say no only so many times, so would it be so terrible to just let go?

After 60 million votes… Jacob Lusk was voted off. What memory will he take with him, Tink wanted to know. The memory of how much America loves him! OK then. He’s walking away with his delusions in tact. I can support that. It’s so much easier than real life, right?

After reliving the Idol ride of this college drop out with a dream (you can do it, too, kids!) we said goodbye to Lusky, his loud cloths, his wide mouth, and his irritating falsetto. And he sang us goodnight with one final lullaby — a rendition of “House is Not a Home” that had so many runs, bobbles, embellishments and scatting that Luther himself wouldn’t have recognized it.

It’s the final hoedown.

I’m sure no one was surprised by that elimination… who do you think will be next to go??