American Idol: Skinny Bitches Edition!

I just want to point out before I even begin that as Tink walks down the line of eventual losers, I can’t help but notice that, AS USUAL, the guys chosen are mostly homely dirty shlubs and the women are thin and worked out and stuff. The only shocker here is that Tink isn’t wearing this t-shirt:

Welcome back to the middle of a five hour Idol Week!! FIVE HOURS. Can we just give a shitty Ford to whoever can sing all their notes on key through one entire song and just put on X Factor?

No! NO WE CAN NOT! Because Idol is tradition and a very important part of who we are as Americans. Like McDonald’s. Or Abraham Lincoln. Or McDonald’s. Wait. Did I already say that? I hate diets. Welcome to the American Dream on less than 1200 calories a day. THIS is AMERICAN IDOOOOL: Skinny Bitches Edition!

Hi Judges! Randy is back to his Mister Rogers sweaters. He’s still got the man boobs though so I’m not feeling down about it. J-Ho is wearing some kind of evening dress with thigh high boots because no one has the nerve to tell rich people they look ridiculous, and Rue McClanahan is in the same flowey old rocker caca he’s always in.

Hey J-Ho, what’s so special about these girls? Why, they’re beautiful of course! Randy, what should people look for when they’re voting? Tax cuts. Marilyn McCoo says that the kids have to take it to the moon today or they will never be asked to be on Hollywood Squares again. Always good hearing from you, Marylin.

Ta-Tynisa, the Beyonce impersonator, is up first. I’m glad they’re letting drag queens on this show now, but I think she should be with the boys. I know that sounds a little bigoted but where do you draw the line? Have you ever peed in a urinal next to a drag queen? It’s super uncomfortable. The shake and tuck is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

In case you don’t remember, Tunesia was in the group round with an ok black guy and an amazing giant black girl who sang both of them off the stage. Ty was the only one to blow it in that round, and she’s the only one to make it here tonight. Confidence is very important. So is a stairmaster and a good bra.

Don’t worry, seven foot tall obese black woman! You’ll have PLENTY more chances to achieve your dreams! TA!

She’s singing Rihanna, which is fitting cuz that’s the other famous Beyonce impersonator. She hits about as many notes as Rihanna hits live, too. About 15 percent. And she doesn’t even rub her coochie up against the cameras. Man, if you can’t sing as well as Rihanna or give teenagers boners, what good are you? She’s pretty terrible. I know I made my point, but the song won’t stop.

Anne Meara, as verbose as ever, says that Ta sang the song and the song sang her. Whatever the hell that means. If there was a song that was going to sing her, I wish it had been “Go Now.” J-Ho says “It’s good that it’s over”, but she meant it as a compliment somehow. She says that Ta bought it home. Randy disagrees and says that it was only ok. She brought nothing new and it paled in comparison to Rihanna’s vagina shots. J-Ho tries to argue that to be a performer all you have to do is move the crowd and Ta did. Moved them towards the mute button. Randy says that he was in the audience and wasn’t moved. Tink jokes “well I’ve known you for ten years, and it takes a lot to move you.” HAHAHAH!! Evil and untrue. If you wanna see Randy run, put an open box of Papa John’s at the end of a hallway and watch him go. That was pure pain. I already want a cigarette. Thankfully, Ta is offering me gum.

A six year old condom and a Baja Fresh frequent flier card. Mind your own fucking business.

Naima and the tiny microscopic rats in her hair are up next. She’s the chick who works as a toilet cleaner at a concert venue. Which is now filthy and overrun with flies. Way to kill the concert going experience, Idol. She designed her dress herself with just a little seran wrap and Weinerschnitzel wrappers. Poor people can be so creative!!

Yikes in Yellow

She’s singing “Summertime”, and she’s doing it in an uptempo jazzy schlocky way. My face is already in my palms. I don’t know if it’s because she’s kicking my favorite song in the balls or if it’s cuz she’s making me crave a mustard dog. Either way, those toilets ain’t gonna clean themselves honey. CHOP CHOP.

Scrubbing Bubbles has got an old timey voice and it’s pretty good for that kinda music. I hope one day I can afford a Carnival Cruise so I can see her do this for hours. The best part about this is the dancing. The only things that would make it better are tap shoes. Let’s go back to a time when this song was done right, shall we?

 

Scrubbing Bubbles can’t breathe so great by the end of her version, but she nails the last note. And no one can accuse her of not giving it her all. She emoted, she danced, she did a one woman octopus. To seal the deal, she ends with an interpretive dance based on the day someone pooped in a toilet she had taped an OUT OF ORDER sign to.

WHY?!? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?

J-Ho starts off and calls Naima an exotic flower. Randy calls it lounge acty and says she’s no Tasia. He liked the interpretive toilet dance, though. Lucille Ball says America needs a new Ella Fitzgerald. Duh, Lucille. We have Katy Perry!

Sad pause.

Kendra the bathtub seller is next! She and Naima should team up and bring America the cleanest bathrooms evah. She’s singing “Impossible” by Xtina, which is ballsy. She sings the shit out of it and nails every note. She manages to get through the whole thing without resorting to air stabbing with her fingers, or clenching her throat like a muppet like a normal Xtina fan. She does copy the riffs pretty much note by note, though, and when she belts high notes they hit the back of her nose so hard I’m surprised brain matter doesn’t splurt out. Must be because she got that deviated septum taken care of. Who did that nose job, a baker? It looks like it was shaped with a rolling pin.

Randy was worried about the Xtina song choice but loved her slow ass old lady vibrato. Walter Mondale loved it, of course. He also comments on how hot Tubby is. That guy should be given a time card to punch every time he says “that was great”. He’s just sitting back and saving up for an infinity pool. Make an effort, Walter! J-Ho is no more useful. She says Tubby has heart and belongs here. made it really far without a homeless story or a family member in a wheelchair. Talk about making it against all odds. Atta girl!

Rachel is next. She’s the girl who auditioned as a creepy opera singer a few years ago, got cut, and came back with a whole new voice and glitter on her face. Tonight, she’s graduating from kindergarten.

Congrats, little one!

Oh wait. She’s not a study hard nerd! She’s a sexy kindergartener!

Magic! I can’t wait for the part where Tink comes on and saws her in half.

She may have learned to fake a pop-y voice, but you know what they say. You can take a horse out of musical theater, but you can’t make it drink. Or something. What I mean is, she’s super theatrical and obnoxious. She’s singing Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”. And it pays homage to the title with every note. She’s trying waaaay too hard. You know the hobos I give money to? The ones who quietly roll their torsos around on a skateboard quietly. The ones who follow me down the street begging like five year olds get Diet Coke cans to the head.

Rita Moreno thinks it was way too Broadway. That’s a nice way of saying “you need a boob job.” Rachel is shocked, shocked that she would be called Broadway!

Was it the costume pieces, the set change, or the rhyming cats? BE MORE SPECIFIC!

Broadway is the one thing she’s never sung. And never will, girl. Rita Moreno is stunned silent by her defense.

Fine. The part about the boob job still stands.

J-Ho says that this is the first time America is seeing her. LOL. Did you not notice the cameras in the room for the past ten months of auditions, Ho? She agrees with Rita Moreno that Rachel needs to be a puppet in Avenue Q and stfu. Randy says it wasn’t great and it wasn’t good. In case you didn’t know what great meant. It’s like good, but better. You’re welcome. Rachel is confused cuz she had fun! Almost as much fun as she’ll have on the Greyhound back home. Sadness.

We need some more Latin attitude in this competition! How come the only people who ever say that are Latins? I’m just saying. Karen is next, and she’s singing Mariah’s “Hero”. Oh lord. All I can think of now when I hear this song is Danny Gokey’s version, which froze my face into a permanent scrunch/scowl for a week. It just doesn’t work the same if you don’t say “dead wife” ten times in your intro.

She’s got a nice voice, and hey! She is bilingual! Half the song is in Spanish. She has no problem hitting the notes, but the Spanish part worries me. She could be saying “fuck you fat Americans!” for all we know. Unless you’re blathering “dead wife” over and over, shut it, Karen! I WILL NOT PRESS ONE FOR GODDAMN ENGLISH!

Tenía una esposa, pero murió. Tengo una esposa muerta. Esposa muerta.Esposa. Muerto. Héroe! Era mi esposa. ¿Quién está muerto.

Karen doesn’t need a dead wife. She’s got Spanish. She’s gonna win this whole thing, mark my words. Spanish is taking over the world. My racist Meemaw told me that. In English, which kinda killed her point. Beautiful voice. She nails all the high notes at the end without sounding like a whale mating with a dolphin like craycray Mariah. Well done!

J-Ho got goosebumps and can’t stop saying wow. She loved the bilingual portion and agrees that Americans are fat. Randy liked that she was ORIGINAL. He also points out that her Spanish singing was better than the English parts, which is true. Spanish is the language of love! And also of the dumb bitch who won’t put me through to an operator on the Wells Fargo 800 line. Milton Berle doesn’t say anything worth typing.

Tomorrow night, we get to see the premiere of J-Ho’s new video and we get to choose the ending! OK I choose the one where Simon comes in and tells her she sounds like a toddler who stepped on a nail. Next up is Lauren, who used to be a maid. On one hand, I like her. She’s not a stick figure or a model. On the other hand, I don’t believe in maids bettering themselves. Conundrum!

In Hwood week, J-Ho said “you remind me of Bette Midler” and tonight, MollyMaid says “J-Ho says I reminded her of a young Bette Midler! That means she thinks I’ve got something!” A. She never said young and B. it means she’s calling you yenta face.

Bad news: Not a compliment.

She’s singing “Seven Day Fool”, not because it’s a wise choice, but because there’s a line about scrubbing floors. LOL. Scrubbing Bubbles is gonna be pissed. What is with these song choices tonight? She’s a big belter and can do that ok. I guess AI is finally getting on the throwback Winehouse bus. Like two years later. Way to stay current, Idol! I want to like MollyMaid, I really do. She’s obviously got talent, but she seems out of place here. By the end she’s a gravelly mess. And if she gives Romana any ideas of running, she’s gonna pay.

Randy thought it was brill and says it was like Winehouse. Her dolt of a mother checks to make sure she’s holding her Dat Phan fan poster the right way forward.

Sonny Bono loved it. Dolt Mom is freaking out and about to faint. Love it. J-Ho wants her to give it more. Next time get on the floor and scrub those floors you lazy hooker! And now, Ashton! After Pirate Eyed Hambert steals Tink’s coonskin.

Ashton is from Tennessee, and now is her time! She can sing her ass off, there’s no denying that. She’s working the stage and giving major divatude to the cameras. There’s a fine line between confidence and acting like an asshole and I’m getting a major asshole vibe from her. Which I would like if there were home scenes, but onstage it’s just gross. She belts way too many of the notes and kills any emotion that might have been. I have no idea what that song even was. But I like Garfield the cat and she looks just like him, so maybe I’ll vote for her.

Ethel Merman says she has the confidence of a (drag) queen. J-Ho calls her a diva and Garfield says “I get it from you!” and imitates her head tilt. HA. Randy agrees with the sunshine twins. He liked Garfield too but didn’t like her song so much. He wants her to be more like Diana Ross. I want her to be more like a Ross Dress For Less. I love that place. You can just throw clothes on the floor there when you decide not to buy them and I’m usually the cutest one there. Garfiled smiles and mouths ILOVEU to the cameras. It’s sweet. I hope she can see me mouthing “GOAWAY” back at her.

Julie Zorilla is up next and wow. She’s stunningly beautiful. So I will call her Julie Gorilla. Because I’m pasty and petty in equal measure.

Get out of LA! Isn’t is enough that you destroyed the other coast?

She has a nice voice, but she’s singing Kelly’s “Breakaway”, which is a terrible move. She’s no Kelly. No belt there. She tries, but she misses. The backup singers are out belting her, but she’s got her hand on her stomach so we’ll think she’s super powerful. She gets to the end notes and bones them super hard. Not. Good. I don’t know if I’ve taken time to say this yet, but sorry seven tall giant black woman who could out sing any one of these bimbos so far. Long distance hugs. Well,Gorilla sure is pretty. Shhhhhhhh.

J-Ho thinks she’s an ice queen, and I can’t disagree there. Randy says that she’s no Kelly and not ORIGINAL. He adds that she was Palin in comparison to Kelly Clarkson. OUCH. That’s a low blow. And it’s also opened the door to teabagging jokes from Debbie Reynolds. Debbie says it was no good, and he looks kinda confused because “that was great” refuses to come out of his mouth.

Next is Haley with Alicia’s “Fallin’”. Her voice is funny. She sounds like one of those little girls from Toddlers and Tiara’s in the talent portion. Squeaky little voice, but she can work it. Her belt is great, and her riffs are all on pitch. At this point, it’s all we can ask for. Plus she can open her face like a hungry hippo.

She’s doing some weird little dance and twirling around and acting sexy and stuff. It’s hilarious. Thank God for inventing the TV. This would be pure pain to listen to on the radio, but seeing these fools falling all over the place is an irreplaceable experience. This girl? Is the best sitcom on TV. I just keep rewinding and laughing. She even does an impression of the Bette Midler Molly Maid girl.

I think she knew that she might miss a few notes, cuz she’s giving some areola for the old guy.

If pitch correction isn’t allowed, show a nip.

Her final riff is hideously bad and off the rails, and then she starts doing this sexy pouty youyouyouyou thing. HAHAHAH!!! She’s being played by Stiffler’s Mom, and I am a huge fan of that chick.

Randy says that Alicia does a great job with that song but Stiffler’s Mom sucked and wasn’t ORIGINAL. Gary Busey thinks it was perfect and he loves Stiff Mom’s nipple. J-Ho agrees with Gary. These two? USELESS. J-Ho does tell her to stop moving like a crazy person though, so that’s good.

Thia is 15, and she’s really working the whole angry teen thing in her pic.

She’s singing “Out Here On My Own” from Fame! HOLLER! She opens in silence and it’s beautiful. Then she belts. OUCH. Terrible. But the soft singing is the best out of all the girls so far. Can she just do a lot of whisper songs? In the middle she hits a couple of the belts and I feel some hope for her, but then she stomps one dead. Well, when you can sing you can sing great! Just work on the other 70 percent of the time.

Ruth Westheimer not only gives his usual “that was great!” compliment. He also adds that she had perfect pitch! HAHAHAHAH!!! Wow. I thought he was gonna be the new Paula, but he’s even more useless than she was. And that’s an extremely low bar to crawl under. Don’t hurt your back, Ruth!

J-Ho appreciated the moment of quiet she brought to the stage. I hope she stays quiet for the rest of the season. Randy says that it’s not about runs, it’s about talent. Then he compares her to Michael Jackson, who apparently, never had the runs a day in his life.

Lauren’s 16 weeuth a reeal beeug ayaccayant. She’s going country all the way. She’s confident, strong, and not obnoxious. Nice! I hate when they don’t give me something to hate about them. I even love her big white butt. Go Hick!! At one point, she even shakes her big butt at us. LOVE IT. I hope she wears lots of hideous clothes like she did in auditions so I have something to not like.

More of this, plz.

In unrelated news, Randy farted.

J-Ho calls her a natural and Randy agrees but says that he reminds her Kelly and Carrie combined. I’m with you! Love this girl. Gene Wilder says he wants a spot between Kelly and Carrie, and the audience throws up. He gives her credit for being able to belt but says she shouldn’t do it every time. In other words, he doesn’t like fat butts. Stupid Gene.

Hicklet announces that Tink’s new name is Peaches. HAHAH! She’s even making gay slurs at Tink. PLEASE WIN!

And now a gorgeous girl. Wait. Didn’t we already hear this skank?

Pita is singing “Stand By You”, a Carrie song. These bitches are throwing down the gauntlet with former idols tonight. She’s the first one who can even compare. She’s got all sorts of color going on in her voice. Soft, loud, head voice, chest voice. Dang, sister. She’s great. DAMMIT. That’s two people I like now, which is a terrible, terrible sign. If you don’t believe that she was really fucking good, look at Garfield’s face.

Dear God, if you’re up there, please give that whore bird flu.

Pita got the first standing O of the season and Randy says she deserved it. Esther Williams makes a WTF joke and says she was brill. J-Ho says that Pita saved that performance until it counted. HA. Wow. I can’t believe that I am actually nerding out over two of these dorks. I watch every episode of Idol because I like to laugh at the fame hungry needy losers making asses of themselves, but at the end of the day I think I keep coming back to feel something. Don’t make me play the Tasia clip again. It’s been many many seasons, but I think there might be a couple worth rooting for this year.

I apologize for that up front.

Thanks so much for being here and waiting for these recaps. I’m about to watch the two hour results show, but I’m also about to open a bottle of wine, so we’ll see how that goes. HA. Love to you guys. Sound off. xo