It is the last chance for a golden ticket! We start the show on November 9th in San Francisco where the camera is following a crying girl.
We gave up seasons and seasons ago…
The camera man asks her if she wants to tell the judges anything. “Just because someone farts, let them finish singing.” So. Set. Up. We all know if that really happened, we would have seen it. Randy giggling, J-Lo moving her chair away from STd and STd looking damned confused. So for the sake of argument, let’s just say AI producers think we’re all stupid. Wait–you knew that? Now, I feel silly. I look great though. Moving on…Ryetoast tells us San Francisco was where they discovered Liza Minelli and we should be excited about that.
The judges show up and J-Lo immediately asks who is going to be the mean one. Um, no one—he’s busy putting together 5 million dollars for a non-Idol. First up is this annoying creature with bowl bangs. She is from the Ukraine and apparently is trying to get into sex slave trading.
Hey, we don’t need this kind of thing in our country! We’ve already got Craigslist for that.
Her poor husband, of 50, waits outside hoping he can sell her off finally. She belly dances for the judges, but it does no good. She is terrible. I mean, she’s truly more U-strainian than anything. STd immediately tells her she’s no good so she starts that annoying baby talk bullshit that makes me want to drive my car off a cliff. I mean her car. Let’s continue. The morning talent didn’t do so well. Everybody’s waiting in At & T Park and the birds are pooping over on everyone.
It is a sign, people. Go find a job
Hey, somebody good is singing! Brittany Mazur is good. And a girl named Lara. Do we really care about names at this point? Green shirt dude was good. See what I mean? Unless he’s got a helluva good sob story or he is directly related to me, then I tend not to get too excited about some of these people until the group is whittled down to say, 8000 people in Hollywood? Someone who gets an extended cut is a cute dude named Stefan. He looks like someone I know…
Baby Boston Rob
Oh and he has a sob story! He was in a bad car accident. And he couldn’t play the piano for a while. So, he now wears it over his crotch.
But a nice conversation starter. For drunk sluts.
He’s good so he’s through. He needs a better story, though. He has all of his limbs and a scar on his arm. He should host a food competition show!
There IS a way these auditions could be more intersting. (More) Vomit inducing, but interesting.
It is night now and there are a bunch of people sleeping on the sidewalk.
A clear vision into the future for some of these?
Now we have Clint from Long Beach who is a karaoke host at a dive bar. Before he even starts, I’m predicting Randy will vote yes.
And I will call you, Mini-Me
He does well and they vote him through. Then we get a montage of crazy people. Including some dude named Kenneth who wears a tail and is shockingly unemployed. Then more bad singers who cause this reaction:
We hear ya, dawg
Then some transformer guy comes in. And he built it himself.
Single? Yes. Forever? Absolutely.
You know, that was just an insult to single people. Sorry. The “Coming Up” promises real singers. And a killer sob story. Strap yourself in.
Not you, freakshow. You’ve had enough of my life.
A bunch of girls go through but they’re not entertaining enough to actually feature more than 5 seconds of singing. Who does get air time? Julie with killer shoes is 20 years old that day and she is from Columbia. The country, not the middle of Missouri. They left Columbia suddenly and didn’t tell anyone they were going.
Dude, the Witness Protection Program means laying low…
She sings “Summertime” and kicks ass. The judges all reallly liked it and J-Lo likes how she was planted in the ground.
Which explains the garden
Rocker Dave Combs is the next dude. He sings “Oh, Darling!”. STd is looking visibly pissed because he is wearing a Beatles shirt and he is personally affronted. As a Beatles fan, I am also, but at least the guy wasn’t wearing a tail or a plastic car. I think the guy was pretty upset and he wasn’t the worst. Bad audition after bad audition gets STd so mad, his face finally melts completely off.
To be fair, it did start at his ears
A girl inexplicably dressed up like a police officer also does a terrible job, but at least STd lightens up enough to ask her if she has handcuffs. Yay! He’s back to the creepy, pedophile person we love and who consistently makes us itch. The next girl in is squeaky little voiced Emily who is from Virginia but tells us she moved to San Francisco because her Dad told her to spread her wings. Her WINGS, people. So, yeah, he basically kicked her out. Sitting outside the audition room with Ryedip, he asks her what happened last week. Her house burned down. Luckily, she was able to save her guitar. She lost a lot of things, but what makes her so sad is that it was her first house. Faulty electricity (maybe), but hers all the same.
All of her conditioner, all of her make-up, her Dad’s GTFO letter…
She’s got a real goofy voice, but it isn’t terrible. I don’t know if it is marketable. STd and I are on the same page. Randy and J-Lo send her through. But then STd asks if she plays guitar. I wanted so bad for her to say, “No, the piano, but I couldn’t carry that in here.” Really, STd? She picks up her guitar and sing something else. She actually does much better on the second song.
Last up is our REAL sob story for the evening. Um, how did I get stuck with more than one for this episode? San Francisco’s a really sad place. But lovely to visit. Deep breath and here we go.
Before we get to that, we get to see a bunch of criers. Okay, we’re done with them. Now we meet James Durbin who has Tourettes. He lost his Dad young and gained his stupid hair when he got older.
No disease/syndrome in the world is an excuse for this.
He goes through the stories of getting beat up and bullied. Then he tells us he met a girl at a bar and she’s an angel, who really likes Post-It notes. She leaves them all over their house with inspiring little messages on them. I’m going to try that here. Mine will say things like, “You can’t do better than me, so don’t try” and “The dog tells me when you’re being bad.” They also have a child together now and they’re pretty broke and he’s unemployed and he’s out of gel. Gosh, have I missed anything? Maybe they can be neighbors with the girl whose house burned to the ground and the flames reached over and wiped out the one clothesline of clean clothes he had hanging out to dry to get ready for his one job interview. Hell, I don’t know. I don’t do “sad” well. He of course he blows away the judges with his voice, which is pretty darned good. Can I ask a question right here and I swear, I’m not being mean. We all have a basic idea of what Tourettes is or at least what it can cause. If he makes it into the top 20, how will they handle the little live interviews before they sing or worse, when talking to the judges? He apparently has none of the symptoms while he is singing, so I’m just curious how that will translate to hearing him talk more. I’m seriously curious about this. He is really good and I’m rooting for him, so I guess we’ll see what happens.
Thanks for joining me again!