American Idol: Sucks to be Mija

Hey-ya Gasmi!  Since I have a few weeks before my next show starts (ABDC, MTV, 2^nd week in April), I asked Flipit to let me know if there were any shows that needed a sub.  After all, you know what they say about idle hands…..

You can understand why I try to keep busy, right?  Flipit, knowing just how close to seal clapping I was coming, took pity on me.  So here I am, subbing in for him on the American Idol results show.  Yay!  Fifty-five minutes of filler and five minutes of results!  This should get me back in snarking shape for when SYTYCD starts up again (right here on Fox, end of May).

Shameless self–plugging (oooo, dirty) aside, I happy to be here, filling in for the master himself.  One small confession before we get started:  I did not actually watch the performance show this week.  So even though I have my favorites from auditions, I really have no idea who does and does not deserve to stay this week.  No matter, I’m sure we’ll still find plenty to talk about.

This week we open on clips of the kiddies telling us about when they were kids, what they wanted to be when they grew up.  Scotty wanted to be an astronaut, but tells us he didn’t have an astronaut brain.  He doesn’t have the ears either.

Sofia dreamed of giving the perfect blow job.

While Paul wanted to be a comedian.   Other revelations include James’ wish to be a pro wrestler and Thia Megia and Pia both wanting to be singers.  Yaaawn.  From this riveting information we transition into a recap of the performance show.  Well, more of a recap of the judges shouting inane things and shots of JHo dressed as her spirit animal.

Leopard?  Ha!  Cougar is more like it.

See how DUIcan’topenmyeyes tries to protect himself from her hungry gaze?

After the opening credits the judges come out to greet us.  JHo is working hard this season, giving a tug and pull to both Randy AND Steven.

Who knew she was ambidextrous?

What a talent that JHo is.  Poor thing must have gotten cold backstage; looks like she wrapped doilies around her arms to keep them warm.

Tinkercrest, bitter that he doesn’t get to sample JHo’s firm grip, decides to accost us with baby pictures of tonight’s guest acts: Lee DeWyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and the Black Eyed Peas.  Surely just giving us that news would have been revenge enough without the visual of them as hack babies.

Hey mom?  Linoleum is in aisle five.  Juss sayin.

Tink also wants to remind you that you can text relief funds for Japan, and I’m wondering just how many parents are going to lose it when their kids cell phones bills arrive next month.  Enough talk of sad things; let’s move straight into scary….it’s time for the group number!

Yikes!

Is it just me or do the group numbers get worse every year?  This time they’re doing a mash up with the guys singing “Born to be Wild” while the girls have got “Born this Way”.  Maybe they should try singing one song in tune before they try to mix two together.

Thankfully Tink sends us off to a commercial after; I know I need the time to recover from that.

I didn’t know Joan of Arcadia is on House!

Hey!  Didn’t this guy play her boyfriend on that show?

Didn’t he used to be my boyfriend?

Ugh, I just said that, Joan!  Jeesh, actors.

We return to the show, but it’s really still commercial time.  That’s right folks, it’s another one of those car music video things they keep making these kids do.  WHY???  Should DUIcan’topenmyeyes even be in a car commercial?

Tink tells us that there have been over 250 million downloads generated from this show.  Am I supposed to care?  He also plugs their latest cd, this time a compilation of songs that have already been downloaded (250,000,000 times apparently), but hey, go out and spend more money on this crap.  But wait!  Tink channels Oprah for a minute and tells the audience they each have one of these CDs under their seat!  To take home!  How unexciting!

Is it time to get to the results yet?  Nope.  Instead it’s time for a little segment where the contestants can tell us things we didn’t know about them.  I am super excited about this because I have been asking myself for the last fifteen minutes, “Just when are we going to find out more inane facts about this kids?”  Prayers=answered!

Things I’ve learned:

Thia might have head lice

I suspect this guy

We also find out that Haley is terrible at accents, Thia collects quarters, and Karen is fluent in Spanish.  Also?  Paul has a dirty weiner.  Dog, that is.

Now finally it is time to get some results.  Tink tells them to dim the lights, but we get wacky Irish music and green lighting.  Because it’s St. Patrick’s Day.  How wacky!  But where is the leprechaun?

Enough fooling around!  It’s time for some results, dammit!  Because this is serious (and possibly evil) business, the lights are dimmed to red.  Tink brings Casey, Sofia and Lauren out to center stage.  There’s talk of Sofia’s pitch problems from the night before and Tink asks Randy to explain what being pitchy means.

Singing the wrong note.  DUH.

Thanks Randy!  You are always a wealth of information.  Right note, wrong note, doesn’t matter; Sofia is safe.

I wanna thank you Tink. For everything you done for me. I remembers that day I was in the store with Miss Millie. I was feeling real down, I was feeling mighty bad. And when I seen you, I known there is a God. I known there is a God. And one day I was gonna get to go back to dat couch.

Time for Lauren.  She was hopped up on cold medicine and the judges recommended drugs for every performance.  Safe.  Moving on to Casey, Tink reminds us that Steven thinks he has the goop.  But what is the goop, Tink wonders.

Ask JHo to open her hand and you’ll see it crusted there.

Casey and his goop are safe.  He celebrates by giving Tink an impromptu blow job.

Having denied us a bottom in the first group, you next the next one is in for some trouble.  Tink calls over Haley and Paul, and we know one of them is going to be in the bottom.  Hmmm…..let’s see…….Paul is oddly cute and a guy, Haley is sang Whitney and smeared lipstick all over her face…….

She’s as shocked as I am by the result.

So Haley heads over to the danger zone, and it’s time for more filler.  He went from salesman to supersnore!  That’s right folks, it’s Lee DeWyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

This guy can turn anyone into a narcoleptic.  In fact, I think I’m sleep capping right now.

Time for another commercial break!

What is up with all the going down on Fox tonight?

Let’s get to more results.  Scotty, Pia and James, come on down!  Scotty’s first, and Tink reminds us that Scotty wooed us with Travis Tritt love song.

I’ve always dreamed of being serenaded by Alfred E. Neuman!

It looks like many Idol voters share a fetish for big ears and buck teeth because Scotty is safe.

Pia sang Whitney, but didn’t smear lipstick all over her face at the same time, so she is safe.  James is up next and is looking a little worried.  Tink wonders if James reminds Steven of himself.  Nope.

How about when I do this?

Well, when you put it that way…….Nope.

Steven backpedals, saying of course James reminds him of himself.  A younger, less melted waxy looking self.  Tink wastes no more time, telling James he is safe.  On his way back to the couch he stops to hug DUIcan’topenmyeyes who looks like a little pocket pet next to James.

I will name him George, and I will hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him…….

The next group is DUIcan’topenmyeyes and Naima.  It doesn’t take a math genius to figure out that one of them will be safe and one will be in the bottom.

I vote for Naima’s outfit to be in the bottom.

Tink starts with DUIcan’topenmyeyes, reminding him that JHo wanted more of a connection with him.  How will he do that if he sticks around?

Open my eyes?

Yes, moans JHO.  She also wants him to sing to her.  TO HER.

Calm down, JHo!

Naima was pitchy.  How will she fix that?

By singing the right notes?

Wow, these guys are just getting it all right, aren’t they?  After all the voting the person joining Haley in the bottom is…….Naima.  Come on, you knew the other one wasn’t going into bottom territory, right?

Last up, Karen and Pia.  If Karen stays JHo would like her to sing songs she can actually sing, and Thia tells us that as an artist she’s just Thia Megia, but more than just a ballad singer.  She’s her, but so much more.

The Disney crowd must have been voting like crazy because Thia Megia is safe, which puts Karen into the bottom with Hayley and Naima.

All three are fighting the urge to give America the finger right now.

It’s filler time!

The Black Eyed Peas are here to torture us with perform their latest song, “Just Can’t Get Enough”.  Will.i.am tells us it’s dedicated to their friends in Japan.  I’m sure the Japanese are super excited that an oversynthesized pop song has been dedicated to them.  All better now.

What the fuck happened to Fergie?

And why does she keep telling me she wants to jam inside my loaf?  She’s scaring me.  Mommy!  Wow.  That sucked almost as much as I thought it would.

Let’s get down to now, shall we?  Hayley, Naima and Karen all wait to see which of them will be singing for the save tonight.  The first person sent back to the safety of the couch is………Naima.

Who knew Tourette’s was contagious?

Tink doesn’t waste a lot of time here and quickly identifies Karen as the person in danger of going home tonight.  What song is she going to sing to try and win a save from the judges?  “Hero” by Mariah Carey.

You know there’s no fucking way in hell I’m voting for her, right JHo?

You can fucking nap later, Steven.  Steven?

When Karen is done Tink gives the judges a couple of minutes to discuss amongst themselves while Karen quietly begs them for another chance while daintily crying.  Tink reaches over and wipes the tears from her cheek.

He’s probably saving it for later.

The tears of shattered dreams keep me young.

We go over to Randy for the decision.  He tells us this was NOT a unanimous decision.  They will not be using the save tonight.

Hasta la vista, Karen!

And there you have it, Gasmi.  Another girl bites the dust.  What did you think?  Did Karen deserve to go home or should someone else be sent along their way?  Do you think a guy is going to be a bottom anytime soon?  What the fuck is going on with Fergie’s face?

Thanks to Flipit for letting me sub in.  I may be picking up a recap here or there over the next couple of weeks until ABDC starts.  Who knows where you might find me next?

Until then….

SWAK, PottyMouth