American Idol: The Final Snooze

We open with a picture show of all the millions of people who have auditioned for Idol over the years. I hope there are no people with epilepsy watching, cuz the flashes will kill them on the spot. It’s like a super fast picture show of broken dreams and busted ass faces.

Missing Since 2003

One of my favorite parts of AI is how the show makes people over. For example, Lee was a simple paint sales clerk with four eyes, and now he’s a karaoke singer with two eyes and Meemaw hair.

I only see half as well, but I’m RIIIIIIICH!

Crystal Hobosox actually slid backwards in the makeover department. She looked better at the beginning. To be fair, it might be because her mouth was closed.

A voiceover of Hobo saying “I always knew I was destined for this!” plays over the fast pics. Did you? Did you know that? Cuz if you knew you were going to be rich then that makes your whole panhandling thing kinda selfish. You could have just sung for free. I feel jipped! Hey you guys, how fitting is it that at the end of this terrible season of shit singing, Obama is on the front page of the DrudgeReport with this headline?

We hear ya.

And now for a montage of Randy blabbermouthing a bunch of silly words at the contestants. I could swear at one point he shouted “that’s what’s called being a dope slinger!” at Hobo. Damn. Randy’s got some dirty ass fingers.

Lee could have won this thing, but he will probably be disqualified after biting Hobo’s nose off.

We’re in the big ass theater for the final round! Look at all those people!

Bookstores = Empty

Imagine this read in Cliff Clavin’s voice. It will be funnier.

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Randy has ditched the Mister Rogers sweaters for an extremely classy Larry from Three’s Company costume.

This needs chest hair.

Why did I reference two old ass sitcoms in a row? I don’t know. I looked for a pic of Larry from Three’s Company and found Hobosox in ten years.

Ellen’s in a dark suit today, and Skara waves like she’s on top of the Miss El Paso float. And she’s still possessed by Satan. Black eyed.

Simon’s final week! WHY GOD!?!? WHY!! The gossip of the day is that Madonna is going to take his spot. She will turn Skara into a chew toy. I pray this is true. As for Simon, he’s got his best beef jerky tan and butt cut on display tonight.

He really knows how to turn hot women on. This lady almost sucks her finger meat right off the bones.

Tinkercrest announces Hobo and Lee, and they have to enter through the audience with a bunch of hands coming at them. EW. Hobo drops her mic like it’s a job.

The crowd goes straight for Lee’s boobs.

I think that’s Mister Dangerous’ hand.

Lee beats Hobo to the stage cuz she stops in the aisle and starts passing a hat through the crowd. Cheap bitch!

You guys I need that hat back! It’s my soooon’s!

Tink asks Hobo how she feels, and she says so good that she hasn’t trimmed her choach for the eightieth week in a row. Her vagina is turning into Rapunzel.

Rapunzel Rapunzel, put down you ha…wait. Pull it back up! Pull it back up!

There will be three performances each tonight. One they choose, the hippy dippy retarded one they have to release if they win, and one chosen for them by Simon Fuller, aka Other Simon. HUH? Where’s Clive Davis? They probably kicked him out of rehearsals for calling Hobo Bo Bice. I can see how he would be confused.

I don’t know if Tink is back on the sauce tonight or what, but something’s going on with him. His voice sounds like it’s going through a chipmunk filter and he keeps staring at the floor and hanging on to his mic with both hands.

Paging Teri Hatcher: Please pick up your despondent hag fag at the front entrance.

There was a coin flipped to see who would go first, but Hobo pocketed it so they just let her go second. You guys, did you ever think you would see Hobo’s pic on a coin? Well here it is. I would tell you to take it and use it for laundry, but that wouldn’t be very fitting.

Now for a video about Lee. His parents talk about how energetic he was. I don’t buy that. He looks like he’s always been at right around the same energy level as his ma.

Check her pulse, we need this bed for living patients.

Lee’s singing “The Boxer” again. Wasn’t this snore inducing enough the first time? I know that at this point the people watching are generally fans of someone in the finals, and I also know from recapping this show for a few seasons that you guys get rabid towards the end. So sorry for this, but it’s as whiny and off key as it was the first time. He sounds like a five year old who smokes too much begging for McDonald’s. One consistent loud whine growl. And is he crying at the end? If he says “but I’m just a paint salesman!” I’m changing the channel.

Randy says that he needs to get some energy going cuz that was boring. Ellen says she couldn’t be prouder if she had ordered him from China herself. Skara says that he needs to punch harder but she likes that the song tells his story. She would have been happy with any song that he said the word “poor” in. Condescending ass rich people. Simon says that was like a kiss on the cheek and he wants a kiss on the lips. Then stop sunning them like you’re trying to dry them out and package them for sale at a roadside stand in Texas.

Hobo’s twin pops up on the screen.

She tells us that Hobo is a self taught guitarist. Wow. That’s pretty impressive. We get some shots of Hobo playing gigs in her childhood, and it’s really cute. I wonder how many lockers she was pushed into.

In the future I will get super thick hair to cushion my skull from locker abuse.

She’s singing “Me and Bobby McGee” again. I know she’s doing it cuz the judges insist that she yell all the time, but I wish she had chosen one of her softer numbers. Going head to head with Janis Joplin when people already compare you to her is just…well, it’s double the dirty hair is what it is.

She’s great in the beginning cuz she’s not into nasal yell yet, but she’ll get there. And there she goes. I wish I could be her friend for about five minutes so I could tell her to lick an Altoid and then rub the mint under her nose to alleviate some of that nasal blockage. Wait. I’d need ten minutes cuz I’ll have to explain what an Altoid is first. This whole song reminds me of crazy Claire having a baby on Lost.

Puuuuush! Puuuush!

Spoiler Alert: the twist to American Idol is that we’ve been in Purgatory this whole season. Chicken Little is here, and he’s suppressing a yawn. LOL.

If you guys want some real entertainment, you should go to iTunes and listed to Kevin Covais rap on Paris Bennett’s album. It’s hilarious. The song is called “Let Me Rap”. You’re welcome.

Randy says it was slow at first (not yelling) but he liked it when she picked it up (yelled). Ellen says she’s compelling on stage. Skara loved it and uses the word “artist”, which never happens. Simon says she’s been so so the past few weeks but she brought it tonight.

Now for Fuller’s choice. Other Simon has chosen “Everybody Hurts” for Lee. Such a beautiful, soft song, which of course means Lee will shout the fuck out of it. Sure enough, there he goes. He’s got the black army with him again today to add some variety since he apparently can’t do that with his voice. The arrangement is the same. He should have changed it if he’s not going to try out subtlety. Ouch.

When did they start letting white people in this army? You’re screwed, dude!

One note: YELL. Just. Don’t. GET IT. At least yell on key. Randy says that it was pitchy at first but got better. Ellen thinks he went off a couple times but liked it the couple of times he got into it. Skara calls him emotionally accessible even if the vocal wasn’t perfect. Simon says it was off key at parts but a good choice for him. Simon says to stop being nervous. It’s only the most important moment of his life so don’t be scared. Simon’s a dick. I am going to miss him dearly. Lee looks like he’s gonna cry again. Jesus. Get this guy a pair.

Hobo has been assigned “Black Velvet”. She considers jumping. So do I.

“Like two pigs fighting under a blanket.” – Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

She sounds great on this, but still too much noise. That dress is hideous, but I doubt that’s her fault. The second half is the shout showcase, and she misses notes all over the place and at one point sounds like she’s choking on her tongue. The end is a baby crashing through a plate glass window. OUCH. Way to be equally as shittacular tonight, you two!

Randy loved it, and Ellen says that she looks like a Cher concert. LOL. She calls her fantastic and gives her a standing ovation. Skara says tonight is for trying to hit the notes she’s never tried before and did it! Um no. She did not do it. She wrecked those notes. Simon says she nailed it. These judges are so full of shit. I think Hobo has a band aid on one of her dreads, which proves my theory that they are in fact alive.

And now with the super crappy inspirational song!! Did Skara write it again? PLEASE SAY YES!! Wait. “Beautiful Day”? As in U2′s “Beautiful Day”? WTF?!?! They’re gonna release covers?! RIP OFF!!! This blows! Man they’re not even trying any more. This season is one giant shrug.

Lee brings his whine growl to the song and misses like five notes in the first line. Bono is loling at home right now. When did Lee start this whine singing thing? It’s new, right? This song is way too big for him. Even the band sounds like a mess. Boooooooooo. He’s literally barfing this shit out.

He screams so much that by the end he looks like he’s gonna faint. Those were the loudest off key notes I’ve heard in awhile. Randy says that Lee looked ridonk walking around the stage but by the end he sounded ok. Randy knows shouting and it’s the only thing he likes. Ellen says that watching him grow has been amazing. I liked the eye bulge at the end when it looked like he was about to slip into a coma. Skara says the song swallowed him, but he’s grown and has a commercial voice. Simon says he made the most of it. The show was designed for poor people to become famous and he wishes the best for Lee. Well that was…backhanded.

Lee gets to give a final vote for me speech, which is made of stutters and ders. I like Lee overall, he seems sweet. But I don’t want him yelling at me ever again. He blew tonight. Hobosox is singing “Up to the Mountain.” I HATE that they are singing covers, but I like this song. It starts nice and soft, which is the only way I like Hobo’s voice. She yells five seconds in, but manages to slip back into her soft side with no effort. She sounds fantastic on this one. It’s called LEVELS people! Her yells are better when they’re not the entire song. She misses a couple toward the end, but her soft side is beautiful and it comes back after each missed yell. She should win this shit right now. She’s crying, and it’s nice to see nature wash her face.

Some super slow clapping from the judges. LOL. Randy says she was amazing and it was one of the best performances ever. Ellen calls her unique and says she’s in a league of her own. Softball movie reference. Leave it up to Ellen. Skara says that her only critique over the season is that Hobo has too many walls but they were gone tonight. Hobo stops the judging to kiss Simon’s ass a little. Cheater! Simon says it was the best performance of the night and as his final critique evah, “Outstanding!”

Hobo makes a bad joke, but then admits it was terrible. I kinda love her right now. But what freaking choice do I have? She should take the title, in my opinion. It will be hilarious watching her try to figure out the Ford’s MP3 player.