American Idol: This Girl (And Ship) Is On Fire

Hi, Gasmii! PopePhilly here with another round of “American Idol” auditions. I’ll be honest, I didn’t realize this show was even still on. I think I always knew in the back of my mind, but decided to just ignore it. In fact, I’m not even going to pretend I know anything about pop music. Hell, I couldn’t even recognize a Nicki Minaj song if I heard one on the radio. That being said, let’s get the inevitable train wreck started!

I’ll be making both of these faces a lot this evening.

This week, we’re first in San Antonio, Texas. First up is Vincent Powell – a returning contestant. He’s excited to meet Mariah Carey.  

His voice sounds very nasally to me. I really don’t like it much at all. However, he’s kind of got a “fake it ’til you make it” thing going on. It’s like he’s tricking us into thinking he’s good. Well, if it’s a trick, the judges fall for it because he gets a unanimous “yes.” 

Next up is a brother team! Derek and David Bacerott. If I remember correctly from the last time I watched this show, combined auditions always mean that it will be a train wreck. I have high (low) hopes for this duo. 

So that…happened. It seemed like one brother was off by a beat and a half-step tonally. It was just weird and unpleasant. Randy gives them enough noes for the entire panel and then some. Mariah and Keith agree, while Nicki tries to be nice, but there really is nothing nice to say. When Mariah tries to tell them that they need to at least be on pitch they argue back. Now, I may not be a huge fan of Mariah’s music, but the woman is kind of an icon. You don’t argue with her! The brothers continue throwing their temper tantrum as they leave the room. 

Savannah Votion is our first compelling back story of the night. She is a single mother (her daughter is five). I don’t know what you all think, but Savannah Votion is an AWESOME name for a pop star. She should win based just on her name. The “American Idol” Youtube channel doesn’t have her audition video up. She’s pretty good – she sounds just like Etta James when she sings “At Last.” I’m a bit turned off by just how much she sounds like Etta. I’d rather hear someone have his or her own voice. That’s just my personal preference. It’s another unanimous “yes” from the judges. I hope that she’ll get just enough fame to buy a full shirt.

And possibly some pants that fit better.

We come back from commercial to the middle of Ricky Jo Garcia’s audition. She’s…trying. She clearly doesn’t have friends who love her enough to tell her that she’s not a good singer.  She’s just setting us up for our next singer who is actually good.

It’s Cristobel Clack. She’s 29 and just at the very end of the age limit.  

It was all right. It was a little bit breathy for me, but I’m sure the judges will love it. Now, I’m a classically trained singer. As a result, I hate all the “extras” that people like Cristobel add into their songs. I get that the runs and phrasing lends itself to pop music quite nicely. I just feel like it’s all style and no substance. Obviously, the judges love it. It’s another unanimous “yes.” Seriously? Are these judges always going to agree? I want some arguing, dammit!

Next up, it’s Ann Difani. Her husband nominated her. In fact, Randy surprised her at a Univesity of Arkansas football game to tell her the news. After this big production, Ann better be good. If she sucks, her husband is just going to look like a jerk for nominating her to be embarrassed on national TV. The “American Idol” Youtube channel doesn’t have this video up either. She sings and it’s not a failure. Mariah wants to know if Ann wants to be a country singer. She does, but she also wants to be a pop singer. It’s another obvious and unanimous yes.

Now we know how she “earned” her spot. 

As we go to commercial, Randy tells me there is an “American Idol” app for AT&T customers. Are you fucking kidding me? Was that necessary. I have AT&T and I’m half tempted to download out of morbid curiosity. I don’t. Instead, I just have more wine and try to forget that it exists.

We come back from commercial to meet Victoria Acosta. She’s a singer in a female mariachi band. That’s kind of cool actually. I would love to be able to say, “Yeah, I sing in a mariachi band.” It’s not not something you hear every day. 

Ugh. I hate “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” The lyrics are just ridiculous. “I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket…” Whenever I hear that line, I’m embarrassed for Fergie. Victoria’s voice is pretty good. Her gestures drive me nuts! They look so forced and rehearsed. After she sings, Keith tells her that he just wanted one more thing from the song, but he’s not sure what. Randy asks Victoria to sing a little mariachi. That is immediately 100% more natural. With that, it’s a unanimous yes.

After Victoria, there is a montage of suck. It’s wonderful. I know that the producers made a conscious effort to show more talented singers and few train wrecks during auditions, but that just leads to two hours of boring. Seriously, William Hung was the type of person that made the auditions worth watching! We need more clueless contestants!

My prayers are answered by Papa Peachez. Yes, “Peachez” with a Z. He tells us that he’s a big black woman in a little boy’s body. Love. It. Oh! He also doesn’t like doing covers! This is going to be so much suck crammed into one short audition. I’m so excited. 

It wasn’t as terrible as I expected it to be. That’s not to say it was any good. It felt like he was doing an impression of a black gospel singer. Every now and then he’d hit a note in his normal voice and it would be pretty good. I wish Papa Peachez would have just been his natural self instead of trying to create this character. He seems like a sweet guy so the I hope the judges aren’t too hard on him.

Nicki thinks…he’s a superstar? Seriously? Did she and I watch the same audition? Keith thinks it was a bit too theatrical and Mariah agrees when she calls Papa Peachez “quirky.” Randy thinks he could be good if he got some serious vocal training. Keith and Randy both say no. Nicki is really arguing for this kid. Shut up, Nicki. No one actually takes you seriously as a singer anyway. Mariah gives a small “yes,” but it’s still not enough to send him through. With enough arguing from Nicki, Randy changes his mind and Papa Peachez is going to Hollywookldja;dg;ooigarihnoeinhkegeaw;ihhre;in/gr;ibwnk;gbwkn

Sorry. That was me banging my head on the keyboard.

Sanni M’Mairura sings next. He’s good. Everyone loves him, it’s another unanimous (boring) “yes.”

The last audition of the day is Adam Sanders. Please let this one at least be interesting. He’s been crying all day waiting to meet Mariah. At least he wasn’t crying all day to meet Randy. I wonder if that has ever happened. 

“Why do you have Randy Jackson’s autograph on a martial arts weapon?” 

That’s not the type of voice you expect to hear coming out of a 19-year-old boy. He’s got the “Rick Astley Factor” as my friends and I like to call it. I’m not saying it’s bad at all. In fact, his voice is pretty incredible. However, if I heard that on the radio, I would immediately think that a woman was singing. Obviously, it’s yet another unanimous yes. Maybe there will be more crazy in Long Beach, California.

When we get to California, we find out that only Randy and Keith are there. Nicki had a prior commitment and Mariah is stuck in traffic. The first audition is Shubha Vedula. I want to just repeat her name over and over again. It’s definitely a great name and, as a pop star, it would be totally memorable. 

That’s a big voice for such a little girl! Randy and Keith give her an immediate yes. She’s really cute and is definitely confident (but not in an obnoxious way). She should go pretty far. She gets her ticket to Hollywood, leaves the room, and Randy and Keith immediate struggle to remember her name.

Mariah finally shows up. She tells us that they don’t have traffic in Manhattan. Really? I’m calling BS on that one. Can anyone in NYC chime in on that? Well, Mariah is here just in time to hear Brian Martinez. The quality of this video is terrible, but you HAVE to hear it to believe it. Apparently, after hearing this in the bathroom, a producer told Brian to audition for the show.

If that man really was a music producer (assuming he existed), then he definitely is either a.) deaf or b.) a liar. It’s the most obvious “no” of this episode so far. 

It’s time for another back story! Matt Farmer is here with his daughter Cadence. Matt served in Iraq where he was injured by an exploding IED. The doctors told him that the medicine he was on for his brain injury would make him sterile. Seven months later, he found out his wife was pregnant! Now, this story sounds awesome. However, I can’t help but wonder, “Is he sure the child is his?” Now, I don’t know the story of his relationship with is wife and I really hope that my initial thought is wrong. It’s really sweet that Matt bring Cadence into the audition. He seems like a pretty great dad.

After Matt sings, Keith says the greatest thing that a recapper can ever hope to hear: “I love that Gavin DeGraw-esque thick thing going on in the back of your throat.” I’ve never heard his music, but I am now a fan of Keith Urban. With that back story like Matt’s, we all know he’s getting through. I think he deserves to get through based solely on his daughter’s “I Rock Like Mommy.”

I hate Stephanie Sanson right away because she’s in a band called You Only Live Once. Fuck YOLO and anyone who uses is as some kind of battle cry. Her entire band is there to support her.

There are no words. Just watch the video. Really, there is nothing I could say about it. Well, I like this audition for one reason – it shows that Mariah is pretty funny. I love her “critique” once Stephanie leaves the room. I really hate people like Stephanie. Now, I fancied myself a little punk when I was a teenager. I liked to hate on shows and music like “American Idol.” However, I like to think I never wasted my time doing shit like that. Even for a teenager, Stephanie is just a moron.

Nicki is back! Jesaiah Baer has a lot of vowels in her name. She’s cute and I immediately love her personality. She’s a little bit weird, but totally in a good way. 

And, in the middle Jesaiah’s audition, a fire alarm goes off…and everyone just sits there. Why does that always happen when an alarm goes off? Even in my office! The fire alarm will go off and everyone will just sit in their offices for a minute before deciding to leave the building. When they get back, Jesaiah finishes her audition. Her voice is great and the scatting is pretty incredible. However, does she have a bit of an accent? Some of her pronunciations (at least while singing) seem off. That aside, she clearly gets through. They throw out a lot of “you were on fire” puns as she leaves the room.

We’ve got another sob story in Micah Johnson. He recently had his tonsils removed. Unfortunately, he suffered some nerve damage and was left with a speech impediment. Speech therapists have told him that his current voice is pretty much as good as it’s going to get. 

Holy shit! That man has a magic voice. He should sing every moment of every day. I’m calling him as the winner right now. Even if he doesn’t win the competition, he’s going to emerge as the “winner” once the show is over. I have no doubt this man will have a recording contract by the end of the year. 

The next day, Rachel is the first audition. Honestly, I don’t remember her. My notes literally say, “Meh, she’s fine. She gets through. Yawn.” I tried to even look up her picture, but I can’t even recognize her to pick out the photo. She was just filler anyway.

This is the first picture that shows up when I Google her name.

After Rachel, we have another compelling back story. Briana Oakley gets a ticket before she even sings because she says the magic word: “bullied.” Now, I’m not saying that severe bullying isn’t a problem. However, it seems like it’s all we hear about these days. I got made fun of brutally in high school. For some reason, people hated my friends and me (we were the weird kids). I was lucky enough to not really care about people who I didn’t really like much anyway. I never thought of it as “being bullied.” I thought of it as “teenagers being ass holes because teenagers tend to be ass holes.” Anyway, that’s not the point. I don’t know Briana’s story, so I can’t really say too much about it. 

Briana reveals the reason behind her bullying. She appeared on “Maury” – one of the “most talented kids” shows. Now, I know that it’s awesome to get a chance to sing on TV. However, maybe “Maury” isn’t the best place to showcase one’s talent.

Did Randy just threaten to take Keith and go beat up some high school kids? Briana’s voice is fine, but it sounds just a little too immature. I think she’d be better in a few years. Her voice is just a little too thin right now. She gets through because of course she does.

It’s the last audition of the episode!!!!! It’s Matheus Fernandes. He has a back story too! He’s…short? Really? That’s it? He talks about the difficulties of being short. Shut up, Matheus. Go talk to Micah about suddenly having a speech impediment or Matt about being injured in Iraq. Then you come back and tell us how difficult your life has been. I have even less sympathy for Matheus after finding out that he had been a contestant on “The Glee Project.” REALITY TV WHORE!!!

To be honest, I don’t really like his voice. He’s taking these really big breaths every few words and it just sounds like he’s pushing too hard. Of course the judges love it. He makes it through. I have a feeling we’re going to hear about him being short all season and how hard it is. 

That’s it for this round of auditions! I hope you all enjoyed it. There’s one more to go before we get to Hollywood.