American Idol: Twitch, Wink, Scream Like a Girl

IceQueen has graciously and hilariously taken over the recaps of this season of American Idol after I…well, I just plain got burnt out. And besides, how could a season without my butt cut headed Simon be good? Screw it! Give it up! Get an education! Look for a damn job! Stop spending your entire adult life making fun of children on TV!

Well, turns out, none of those things happened. I have stayed poor, fat, and completely addicted to AI. And to top it all off, the season has been AMAZING! And by amazing, I mean super funny. You guys, the twitchy Dumbo eared Hambert? Delicious. The hick from the Mad Magazine cover doing a vocal imitation of The Real Housewives of NYC’s Countess? Delectable. Old Man Chompers spreading his palsy across the country to tunes my dad’s Middle Aged Band used to torture the family with in the garage? Unabashedly sinfully satiating. PS: RIP Old Man Chompers!

In other words, screw you, ICEQUEEN! THIS SHIT IS MIIIIIINE!!!

Don’t worry. It’s not really mine. IceQueen has taken the week to enjoy “Spring Break”, as the kids are calling it these days. A ruder way to say it is that IceQueen is most likely walking crooked and possibly getting herpes in Mexico right now from an improperly cleaned hot tub. See ya soon, hon! If plan A goes awry, remember PLAN B.

There are only seven kids left after Old Man Chompers got the boot last week for not singing “Old Time Rock N’ Roll” in his boxers. Seriously, who keeps their pants on while singing that song?? Tom Cruise’s lizard rolled over in its meatsack shell after watching that performance.

Traditiooooooooon! Tradition!

Deedeedledeedeedee!

Tradition!

Tonight, we’ve got seven. Seven souls with one chance to not be pathetic and broke and poor looking their whole lives like the fuckin’ rest of us. Contrary to the many pointless words I have strung together on the past ten pages, the night is young! We’ve got plenty of time to kill, so before we get to the three minutes of actual competition portion of the show, let’s remember what it was like to meet these people as starving children with serious, serious problems in the world.

“I have a flame in me.”

All together now: HERE HERE!

Whoever doesn’t poop in their pants first wins.

Sure, he may just look like a homely disadvantaged Adam Hambert obsessed kid swatting at invisible flies at first. But he’s here to show you who the real Twitchy Hambert is! Wait for it….

The real me is PeeWee Herman pre public perversion bust with a little The Boys Next Door thrown in for good measure.

It was a rough year for Oprah. She decided to end her show with declining ratings, her OWN network isn’t showing many signs of life, and Steadman still shits in the master bathroom every goddamn night even though she built him his own entire building with hundreds of toilets he could shit into if he wanted. But now she’s making her comeback on American Idol. It’s dreams like this that fuel the engines of our lives.

Dodge Minivans for eeeeeeveryboooooooody!

Congrats, girl! You earned it! This is the season of new flavors! New energies! New batshit crazy old people!

Are you sick of not being treated like the gift that you are yet, Paula?

It’s nice to see that even though they had a major overhaul, the show is still committed as ever to filling its slutty old lady energy quota.

Everything is sexier with that ole hooker on board this season. Even tiny plastic keyboards are getting some.

If These Keys Could Talk

Baby you’re a firework! Come on, let those colors burst!

Well, don’t burst em that much. Jesus, Oprah! Calm down. You’re scaring the children.

Emergency Public Safety Bulletin: Turns out screeching can give you Asberger’s with a side of bad teeth/hair. Learn to quiet your children.

You guys. I cannot stress this enough. You’re a firework.

In case you’ve sort of forgotten how important this show is, let me remind you of the most recent of its stars.

J-Hud’s Oscar is like that pink Cadillac the bitch at the top of a multi-level marketing scheme drives. You could have this too, other Idol winners!

BUT YOU WON’T.

Let’s welcome the judges! Old Slutty Lady is Baby Jane’in’ it tonight with bright red Bette Davis on a bender cheeks, Randy’s walking sideways to look thinner, and BubbleButt is wearing glitter shorts and sadly, not some sort of dead bird appendages. Boooooo! She can even wear short shorts without them bunching up her thighs, like poor country girl.

Come on, kids. You’re just confusing him.

You know what makes every rock star feel awesome? Signs.

Because “YOU’RE AN OLD HAG” wasn’t accepted at the last minute.

Tinkercrest comes out with his giant gaping mouth and tells us that the contestants are gonna pour their hearts out on the stage tonight! That’s gonna be so touching! I wish just once, Tink would tell us that the contestants are gonna all sing well tonight. Keep your heart to yourself, just don’t suck, k? PS, it saddens me and makes me proud to announce that Tink seems to have permanently retired his Davy Crocket coonskin wig. Boooyaaaay!

Tink instructs the audience to stand for the arrival of the Top 7. Do forced standing O’s count?

No one knows rock more than the cracker with a scrunchie.

Anyone else afraid how this season is gonna turn out? And James’ life in general?

The theme of the night is Songs from the Millennium. I was praying for country night, dammit! First, though, let’s watch the losers sing that I’m a rockstar song. WTF is this, results? Get those losers off the stage! I’m happy to report that Scrubbing Bubbles Naima still can’t sing for shit and move at the same time. Karen has decided to slut it up a little and take about twenty years off her look. Too late! Oh yeah, and Scrubbing Bubbles likes Africa, k? Don’t. Ever. Forget that.

They’ve already sung this song as a Ford commercial. I get it. It’s a shitty economy. I don’t expect them to pay royalties on two separate songs for some bargain basement group number on performance night, but they need to find some songs that suck less. Hey! There’s Old Man Chompers! In the rose suit. The problem with rose suits is that you can only really wear them once. He looks like he smells like mothballs and Old Spice. Change your clothes, man!

He sounds terrible, and his palsy is only at half spazz. Poor dude needs a hug. And a trip to Ross. He’s making Rod Stewart sound fresh, new and full of life. Naima is super excited to be back on stage, and it’s making me uncomfortable and giving me a headache. Just one note on key. Try?

Someone please ask the maid to stop jumping and start scrubbing plzkthnks

This reminds me of driving through the car wash.

I don’t approve of seeing cleaning ladies so happy. Happiness is contagious. Before you know it, maids everywhere are gonna start jumping around and singing off key and wearing tight pants and Africa bracelets and stuff. Just clean. Chompers has stopped singing, and is now speaking his words like he’s reading a book on tape. And….retired. Bubble Butt whines that she misses the contestants in that voice you use when people show up to your party and you didn’t invite them but you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Hiyeeeeeeeeeeee! Rue McClanahan chimes in and chides America for regretting their decision to let all this talent go. We feel just terrible, Rue. I was gonna write something here but I can’t stop staring at Rue’s nostril.

Tink describes the contestants as a family all the time, so today the interviews are all about describing each other in those terms. I wish Old Man Chompers was still around so we could hear everyone describe him as the creepy uncle who steals the boxed wine out of the garage fridge on his way out of family gatherings. First up, everyone makes fun of the Mad Magazine Hick guy’s holding of the microphone.

Can we talk later? I’m working.

Not one single person points out that he sounds like he’s doing an imitation of the WB frog.

This week, MadHick is singing “Swingin’”, by LeAnne Rimes. I am a Texan, and am used to hicks. One thing I hate is when people get more and more country just to try and prove some kind of point. My Meemaw did that. She never had an accent until she was well into her sixties. Now you can find her rocking back and forth on a rockin’ chair outside Cracker Barrell knitting, slurring her words, and complaining about the high falutin’ city folks tryin’ to pervert the children’s minds through the teeveeee. We get it. You’re more wholesome than the rest of us and Jesus loves you best. Point is, I feel like part of Hick’s schtick is just that. His stupid drawl gets thicker with each sentence and I cannot take his fucking winking one more second. How bout you just try to say one fucking thing that isn’t dripping with chicken fried steak batter? Just ONE.

Y’all come back now ya heah?

Jimmy thinks the audience is gonna get bored with this hicky bs, but I am doubtful of that. It’s pretty clear who the audience is this year.

The secret to making this song more exciting? Movement! In the face, I guess. Hick comes out making smarmy looks at the cameras and winking and crap. UGH. One of the bad things about recapping this show is that I can’t just fast forward through most of it like I do when I’m just watching. He’s so fucking painful to watch. To pass time and try to avoid his fake put on bs voice and winky five year old face, I try to envision a MAC truck crashing through the walls and flattening him Naima does notes.

He’s sittin’! How down homey! He’s a REAL American!

How many Meemaws just wet their pants? Raise your hands! Wait. Put them back down. Your underarm jiggle is making me fearful of my future. Shelly Fabares says that he wants Hick to “scoot around” and “sashay” more. LOL. He also says LeAnne Rimes is the Hick equivalent to The Stones. Bwahahahah! J-Low loves Hick’s “storytelling quality”. Huh? Basically, she’s bored and wanted more. Randy clears his throat and says that Hicklet needs to actually make an effort at some point this season. They’re trying to get him off the show, but it ain’t gonna happen and Hick knows it.

Try to eat a ham sammich without white bread. Ya cayn’t.

How did you feel about it, Hick? Why, Ah had fuyuhn! GET OFF MAH TEEVEEEE. Twitchy Adam Hambert is up next. How does he come up with those brilliant original ideas he has on the show? I have no idea what that question means. This is the guy who screeches real loud and pretends he’s an Idol runner up from like two or three years ago, right? Whatever. I have to admit, though, that TwitchyHam has a golf club or some shit in his hand today and I have never seen that before. So my bad.

He just has these visions, man, and then he follows through and like, creates them in real life!! It’s like magic. Luckily, I don’t have that skill. Otherwise, thin pretty people would be sold at delis and children with colds would be outlawed from leaving their crates. And what kind of world would that be?

Let’s see what the other contestants said about him! I dare someone to call him Dumbo Twitch Ham. Double dog. They all make fun of being a rocker that points a lot. And for wearing bandanas in his back pocket. I am sure that I mentioned in a previous recap that those colored bandanas in the back pocket are gay code for sexual positions, right? I think last time I googled it, this one meant he was a leather bottom who likes getting peed on:

I know I get a little harsh in these recaps, but the truth is I really do like most of these kids and if I ever met Twitch Ham in real life, I would be more than happy to pee on him. Awwww! Let’s all hug. And then wash our hands really well. The kids all screech and back bend and play with scarves, and then Haley randomly pantomimes getting tea bagged. I have no idea what’s going on tonight, but it explains a lot about her journey.

Tonight, Twitch Ham is singing “Uprising” by Muse. Because “Raindrops a Fallin’ On My Head” wasn’t on the list. He’s under some pressure to show he’s contemporary, so tonight’s the night I guess. Tim Gunn warns him that he could sound gimmicky if he keeps imitating 80′s metal bands, and this makes Twitch do this.

Dammit people. No flash photography allowed!

Tim Gunn hands him some boob tape to keep his eyelids in place and warns him not to scare Nina. The song opens with a marching band. You can never go wrong with a marching band! There’s big trouble in River City, people. Twitch is in parachute pants that he has tucked into boots and a Ham jacket. He needs more of a gay gene to pull this off. Thankfully, the good Lord didn’t give him one. We don’t need parachute pants on our team.

Love this song. He can’t really hit the low notes at the beginning very well, but he’s got a great way to deafen the judges so they can’t tell.

Once he gets to the chorus he sounds great. In his screechy wy. The band is doing all the movement here, which is fine by me. I’m just hoping Twitch doesn’t….never mind. There’s the fucking scream. It scares me every time I hear it. I live by a bus stop and every time I hear that scream I have to go out there and hose down the homeless guy who’s scaring the old lady. You guys, why does he have a riding crop? This guy is trying waaaay too fucking hard. If you have to try to be original, you’re NOT. Especially since the only other contestant who came onstage with a riding crop (that I can remember) is…you guessed it! Adam Hambert! So you’re being contemporary by using Gwen Stefani’s marching band from five years ago and copying a Hambert look from a couple years ago. HATE. Just fucking sing a song. The lighting guys love him though. They give him special spotlights behind his ears to showcase his hearin’ veins.

I was giggling at his ear lighting when I almost had a brain hemorrhage. His final screech is off key, long, and super painful. He’s so winning this shit. BubbleButt is wooing really loudly. I know from listening to any song she’s ever recorded that this woman doesn’t have an ear for tone, but she’s really off her rocker. Or, she’s just scared of the face Twitch is twitching at her.

Take my purse. Just please don’t hurt me.

J says it’s the best performance theatrically. Then she shakes her head and wows a lot. She says he sang really high and it was crazy. You want crazy? Here’s some more.

Randy loves Muse and has been to lunch with them and gets birthday cards from them and stuff. Hey wait, is Randy famous outside American Idol or something? He predicts that this will be the best performance of the night. He tells us that Muse challenged Twitch Ham to sing that up an octave and he did! Carol Channing tells Ham to stay out of his closet. LOL. Otherwise, he offers nothing.

Tink announces that Failey’s about to take on Adele. Uh-oh! I wish he meant literally, cuz you know Adele would rip that girl apart like a roasted chicken. The kids make fun of Haley by growling a lot and tea bagging each other. She and Stefano hate each other, but it’s in that “are they fucking?” kinda way. I’m guessing no. Unless she knows how to give magic boners to gay dudes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Gay dudes, I mean. Not magic boners. I don’t believe in magic.

She’s singing “Rolling in the Deep”! Ballz. Adele has become a true pop star with that one, but the real magic in that song is with the backup singers. Don’t f it up, girls! Tim Gunn seems pretty bored with Failey at this point, and all he can muster is a “make it work” and an eye roll. She’s def got that yodel thing going on and she’s the only contestant on this show I could imagine pulling this off. She doesn’t seem to have great breath control here, and takes a couple of giant heaves. Otherwise, she wails the shit out it. I just wish she’d stop shimmying. She adds some yelling and extra yodeling to it. Her voice is more than capable, but she suffers from the same thing she always does. Lack of personality and connection and passion and clothes that don’t look like they were stolen off a Minnie Mouse doll.

Randy starts it off. It sounds like he’s gonna diss her, but he gives her credit for choosing a good road to travel. He does diss some of her off keyedness and he seems totally annoyed, but he was kinda nice. Rosalind Russell liked it, but he sounds bored too. J-Low says that there were decent moments in it, but it’s hard to sing a song that’s out right now. And she would know, since the song she’s on currently is a rip off of two other songs that are on right now. Experience! The judges are not so into Failey. If she could find it in her to perform every song like the one she sang in last week’s results show, she’d be golden.

Failey tells Tink that opinions are like assholes. Calm down defensive! Tink takes us to break, his opinion twitching for that marching band. Oprah’s next!! He’s in a silver suit tonight, a la Luther. And he’s singing Luther! And it’s Luther’s birthday! LUTHER! The kids all say that Oprah is a huge diva. HAHAH! They make fun of his singing pretty well, but unfortunately none of them have the vocal chops to do it right. Oprah says his dad died when he was a kid so we’ll vote for him he is really into the song. Tim Gunn gets uncomfortable with dead dad talk, so he just calls the practice performance egregious and waits to see if Oprah knows what that means. He doesn’t, but he’s not crying any more so well done, Tim!

I think Opes forgets the words at the beginning. Or he’s really overtaken with emotion. Or his nuts are being squeezed into his throat by his tight ass silver pants. It’s hard to feel for your dead dad when it looks like you’re using a vienna sausage as a thighmaster, dude.

Dispelling one black guy myth at a time.

This guy’s voice is just stunning. He can sing like an angel. And he makes a better singing ugly face than TwitchHam.

He’s talented. And extremely obnoxious. I’m sorry your dad died a long time ago and stuff, but I don’t think he wants to hear this boring ass song. He’s dead, man! He’s partying right now! Don’t bring him down. There’s not a full choir behind him tonight, but there is a full orchestra. LOL. He is a diva. Is he afraid that if he’s out there alone he’s gonna actually have to move? He squeals out his required couple of squeals at the end. Meh. That was snorey.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer loves music because of Oprah and says Opes made DeadDad proud. There’s no way to prove that or disprove it, so let’s just let him have it. J-Low yammers on about how hard it is to mourn and sing. Is J really critiquing his pitch? HAHAHAHAH!!! Hilarious. Randy says that he likes seeing Oprah get emotional but it was boring emotionally. He starts telling Tink that his track was all fucked up, but J pipes in to clarify that she meant his vocals were off even when the track worked. HAHAH. Hey, bitch, you heard that his dad is dead, right? Make an effort!

They finally found someone shorter and gayer than Tink, so we’ll get about fifty shots of him tonight.

PigPen’s up next. The kids make fun of him for being, well, super dirty and hoboish.

In another twenty years or so, you’ll know what that feels like for real.

You too.

He’s singing Maroon 5. Tim Gunn agrees with the song choice this week, and even kisses his dirty hair after he hears it. PigPen sounds exactly like the recording. I guess his voice is similar, but damn it’s exact tonight. The song is about how it gets cold outside and it sucks when you have to sleep there or something. Aw poor homeless people. He’s all rock-y and growely and yelly. After fighting to do his jazz thing last week and then come back and do just what they want him to do is kinda a pussy move, but he gives it his all. I can tell cuz I turned the volume all the way down. It’s way more entertaining that way.

 

Homely guys love their J-Low. He’s funny. I hope he becomes a Silent Film star. J gives him a standing o and says it was great. Randy thought it was gonna suck but is glad that it didn’t. Randy talks too much this year. He says dawg less, but his regular English is as confusing. Shhhhhh. Cloris Leachman says PigPen is a cult hero. A whole lot of people have just decided to stop showering. Cloris starts cursing up a storm and I have no idea what he said, but he just keeps on. It’s so offensive that it scares hair onto Tink’s face for the first time in his life.

Back from break, and someone has taped Cloris’ mouth shut. HAHA. He says he won’t be silenced and then shows off his new album cover.

Missing: Coonskin Rug

Stefano is next, and the kids make fun of the fact that he thinks he’s a ladies man but is a total girl. He’s singing NEO. Tim Gunn tells him to stop looking so needy and desperate and have some confidence. So true. He’s not necessarily effortless. Again, this one has a beautiful voice, but he can’t seem to connect it with a personality anyone cares about. No one likes begging. Get some pride. You guys, what happened to the big black backup singers? I want them back!

Cuz the world needs more of this. I can’t wait til it’s discovered that bleach causes cancer so we can make these hookers stand outside at least ten feet from from public buildings.

Stefani does some ice skating moves out there and eye begs us to vote for him. Get a job. Randy starts. He expected bad karaoke and it turned out to be mediocre karaoke. Well done! Randy says he likes that Stefani took his time with the verses. WTF? You can’t take time with your verses in a dance song. That makes no sense. Ruth Buzzy doesn’t even try to come up with a critique, but J-Low thought it was hot.

Did you know that Betty White fathered one of the Judd sisters?

Lauren Alaina is next. I can’t help but like this girl. She reminds me of Kelly Clarkson. Just the right amount of stupid mixed in with talent and some seriously hideous outfits. WINNA! She knows that everyone’s gonna make fun of her for being a stupid hick, and she’s right.

She’s singing some country caca. Tim Gunn brought in Miley Cyrus’ producers to scare Lauren and prove to her that she holds back when she gets nervous. Girl, you need to do what Miley does when she feels insecure. Grab a pole and make your daddy proud.

She starts by shaking her hips and stuff. She sounds great, in that obnoxious country way. She could be a decent crossover singer. Rock of Love hair makes her at least part of rock. Now if she could just sing songs that match her hair. Every Rose Has Its Thorn hasn’t been trotted out yet, has it?

Estelle Getty thinks that a lack of confidence can make people famous. Or something. He needs a translator. J-Low agrees with Alaina’s video, where she said that she doesn’t sing big squealy notes like everyone else. Instead of telling her she doesn’t have to squeal like a pig to be on the show, J tells her to squeal and to like it. Randy agrees.

Not sure of who’s out on this one. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say America was scared enough by Oprah’s tiny wiener being squeezed by his silver pants to not vote for his ass, but I’m always wrong so I’m sure he’s safe. Thanks so much for being here, and come back in a couple of days for the results cappy! xo