American Idol: Your Top 24

Let me say upfront that this is a long-ass ep (AI is the best at dragging shit out, followed closely by The Biggest Loser), so the recap is going to look a lot like those boring books in the Bible that are mostly just a list of names.  Sorry.  Let’s get started.

Welcome to The Cheeziest Filler Episode of AI, Gasmii!  I love that we start off remembering last year’s cuts, when Jen made this show ALL ABOUT HER (in case anyone doubted that fact) by crying about “how hard” it is to cut people.  Why don’t you hop on the 6 train in all your Louis finery and you’ll find out that it’s really not that hard to cut people, especially bitches like you.

Oye, mi vida es muy dificil.  Casper, go watch the babies while Mami works.

The producers were supposed to change things up this season.  Getting rid of this whole episode, and just surprising us with who made it to the Top 24 from the 42 currently in the running would have been an excellent change.  Better yet, letting AMERICA vote for who gets in the Top 24 would have been fun (and perhaps increase viewship, dumbasses?)!  That way, we’d get to vote in my favorites like Hee Jun and Hallie Day and a few people we could feel good about kicking off first, instead of letting the Jiggy Judges do it for us.  I’d happily throw a Creighton Fraker or a Reed Grimm in just to make America’s choices in the first night of voting a little easier.

Vote for the Worst Fodder

Instead, this ep begins as another giant tourist ad for Vegas, and it’s not The Hangover’s Vegas anymore.  This Vegas is for old people from the East Coast who are impressed with sleek, boring hotels featuring French circus acts.  Our Cry-dols don’t seem to be enjoying the “The Dream”.

Here are some “real artists”, Jessica Phillips.

However, what IS fun about this setting is that the kids get to perform on the same French circus stage at the Wynn in LV.  Why is this cool?  This stage features a moat of smoky, bubbly, watery doom between the performers and the judges as the Aspiring Cry-dols give us their “Last-Gasp-Pick-Me-Pick-Me-A-Capella-Plus-One-Instrument” performances.  Good thing Symone didn’t make the cut or she probably would have drowned.

Try falling off this stage, bitches.

Up first is Jen Hirsch, the winery employee with the somehow unlikeable, but powerful, voice and the hips that don’t lie.  Man, that girl should stick to flowy, A-line tops.  Someone should share that with her stat, since she does sail through to the Top 24.

We get the backstory on Creighton Fraker – he was adopted, which explains … not enough.  Anywho, his adoptive father was a preacher

He started out reasonably cute and clean.  What happened?

which is a one of those great cosmic jokes that belongs somewhere other than AI.  Get this:  He recently got in touch with his birth father, the only one of his dads, apparently, who has supported him through this journey (DRINK!).  Sperm Donor (that’s what I call my biological father) looks remarkably like Creighton, only better, and was the lead singer of “Flotsam & Jetsam”, which Creighton describes as a “big heavy metal band from the 80’s”.

C’mon, you’ve heard of us.  We have a Wikipedia page and everything.

Weird how I’ve (and the rest of America) never heard of them … and I wish I’d never heard of Creighton, either, but he’s through to the Top 24.  Sigh …

One way to erase abandonment issues is to let your dad ride your coattails to semi-fame.

Lauren Gray, the blonde with a “smoky tone” in her voice, does not make it through, even though the highlight reel shows us that she kicked ass.  Her family is poor, and I think she really needed this.  The judges ask her to try again next year and she says, “I’ll consider it.”  Good one, baby girl. You’re too talented for this shit.  I hope you don’t end up in a piano bar in Jersey, but I’d love to hear any record you put out.  Sadly, there’s no family in the Kiss and Cry area to comfort her.  Sigh again …

Dreams crushed and talent ignored … another successful night in the Idolverse.

Next up is Joshua Ledet, with the face of Forrest Gump character Bubba Blue and the heaven-sent voice of Marvin Gaye.  After the requisite tricky-tricky Randy banter, the judges let Joshua know he’ll be blessing us with his voice throughout the spring.

Shrimp Hallelujah, Shrimp Amen, Shrimp I’m Blessed

Neither Blaire Seber nor Naomi Gillies make it through, and they don’t get much screen time to show for all their hard work, but them’s the breaks.  You girls can always team up on a cruise ship and host karaoke night.

Haley Johnson, of whom I don’t remember much but her flashback package shows off impressive pipe power, does make it through.  If this Idol thing doesn’t work out, I think she could become an MMA fighter.

Amazon Barbie got some guns!

Neco Starr, 20, is next.  I was not impressed by his final performance, but I’m not a judge on this stupid show.  The judges agreed with me, and they also let some creepy-eyed, serial killer-looking dude, Clayton Farhat, go as well.  Wonder why The Grudges thought he wouldn’t fare well on the #1 show in the Nielsen tween market?  Could it be his cold stare?

Sleep with one eye open, Randy. 

River St. James, another one we didn’t see a lot of leading up to this ep, is also cut.  Meat Loaf’s and Louie Anderson’s love child (Caleb Johnson) was cut, too, after a horrible final performance the day before, when he screwed up and asked to start over.

Elise Testone, Gravel Voice Extraordinaire, makes it through even though I wish she didn’t.  The Grudges suck her not-so-invisible dick, telling Elise she has one of the best voices in the competition.  Really?  She just told you she doesn’t care if sometimes she’s “not in tune”.  Jessica Phillips, I think you may have been on to something with that “real artists” comment.

Enjoy listening to Elise chew on rocks, America.I’ll be wearing my kneepads to every record studio I can break into.  Peace.

Ugh, Reed Grimm, Everyone’s Least Favorite Mama’s Boy, is up.  Please, please, please don’t let him through … The Grudges DO call him on his reliance on scatting and drumming and seizing and twitching and everything else but singing, but they let him through anyway.

Back when Reed annoyed only the greater Sheboygan area rather than all of America.

Erica Van Pelt, wedding singer/mobile DJ/terrible dresser, is up next.  She belongs on The Voice, where judges can listen to her vocal power without looking at her while doing it.  They let her through, and I am consoled by the fact that she’ll have a stylist next time I see her.

Don’t disappoint me, EVP.  And wear a bra.

Chelsea Sorrell, a country singer from North Carolina (DRINK AGAIN!), does make it through, despite a few hiccups in her past performances.  I didn’t see that coming.

Note to future AI hopefuls:  Carrie Underwood songs ARE a good choice!  Cold sores also help!

Baylie Brown, the grown-up Bratz doll, will be cut if her off-key final performance is any indication of what’s to come.  Wrong again … they put her through.

Requisite AI eye candy.

“Cowboy” Richie Law has way too much confidence for any young person.  Where’s the insecurity?  Good thing The Grudges give him a reason to doubt himself.  See ya, sucka!  Ride that horse off into the sunset and learn the difference between arrogance and confidence.

I’m going to make some cowgirl very happy some day.  I’ll tell her how to wash the dishes and make dinner, too.

Hee Jun (squee!), is in a New York State of Mind in his final performance, and though he sings well, this is the first time I’ve heard his Korean accent during his performances.  HJ amusingly answers Ryan’s “What are you sweating?” question with “Mostly water,” and we’re used to his charming naiveté and semi-command of English in his speaking voice.  However, I’ve heard him correctly pronounce “R’s” and “L’s” in his songs before, so what’s up with this “I-just-got-off-boat-and-I-sing-karoake-all-the-way-acloss-the-Pacific” act?  He also touches his face at the end of his performance, which over here in Korea is tantamount to grabbing your crotch and thrusting it at the audience.

Jennifer, you rike me, you rearry, rearry rike me.

Hee Jun, are you pulling the kimchi over our eyes?  Good thing The Grudges put him through, or I would have boycotted this show immediately, which would have made this recap end here.  Anyway, Hee Jun snots all over himself and Phillip Phillips, who’s there to hug HJ in the family area.

Sixteen-year-old Jessica Sanchez gets waaaaaaaaaaay too long of a video package for me to believe that she gets through.  We had to watch her whole final performance, which I did not enjoy.  Nothing about her surprises me, so … meh, she got through.

Just here to make you feel fat, old and non-Filipino!  We all DO know how to sing, BTW.

Phillip Phillips, pawn shop worker, has a great voice, but that doesn’t mean anything in Season 147 of AI!  Surprise!  They let him through.

I guess I didn’t have to add that “s” to my last name.

Colton Dixon, he of the really pissed-off sister, gets vindication for stealing her audition thunder and making it through this year after just missing the Top 24 last year.

She forgave him … I wouldn’t have.  Asshole.

Brielle Von Hugel, whose mother makes Jewish Stage Moms look relatively cute, harmless and tan, makes it through.

These two ladies are going to be very, very disappointed in America soon.

Finally (although I am alarmed that we shouldn’t be at the last 5 minutes yet), Adam Brock, the Marc Cohn wannabe with the cute wife and Gerber Baby of a kid waiting for him at home,

Can you cry for 24 hours straight? ‘Cause that’s how long we’re making you wait.

will have to wait to find out if he made it through ‘til tomorrow night.  It would be awesome if they actually made the contestants in the cliffhanger spot wait 24 hours to find out, wouldn’t it?  AI producers are assholes, but this is some seriously hard-core reality crack, so I’ll be watching again tomorrow.  If you decide that crack is whack (too soon?), you can catch up here instead at tvgasm.com in a few days to find out what happened.