American Idol: I’m Getting Too Old for This Sh*t!

Ryan sadly announces that someone had to be pulled out of the competition because… we’ll find out later in the show. What a cruel trick Ryan seacrest! You know full well all we want to see is the drama behind the elimination of whoever it is!

But on to the baby pictures, because AI thinks that what America cares about. Now this American!

We see  are subjected to baby pictures of Randy, J-Lo, Steven and some weird grub with some human features. They then reveal the truth I’ve known all along: Ryan Seacrest was born an alien that was able to acquire human features in order to take over the world.

Gosh I’m adorbz! And I have two of the same name!

Tonight the contestants are singing songs from the year that they were born and my favorite little dumpling, Phillip Phillips, was born in 1990. He wore a blue beanie, because he was a boy and then his dad told us a little too much information about his bowels. But I still love you Philly Willy!

Randy was blown away by his performance of Hard to Handle and can’t buh-lieve the sheeat with his bowels dawg. That’s rough. J-Lo thinks that every cell of his body is filled with music, and disruptive bowels. Steven tells him to watch his melody. Does Steven know what melody is?

My sparkly pants will certainly save my ass when it’s time for America to vote.

Will.I.Am describes Jessica Sanchez as, “wow.” Very eloquent Will, I’m really glad you’re coaching these kids this week. I can’t wait to see how much they learn from this invaluable experience with your extensive vocabulary.

Steven wishes she would just sing ballads and want to keep pigeonholing her into one type of song for the rest of her career. J-Lo loves her sparkle pants more than she loves the song. Randy also doesn’t like the song. What do these judges have against Gloria Estefan? She was a powerhouse in the 90’s y’all! Just ask any Cuban-American.

What a silly willy! He thinks DeAndre’s hair is noodles!!

Heejun’s parents think he’s funnier than the funniest Steve Martin man and they don’t want him to make any mistakes on stage. Will.I.Am tells Heejun to put an S on the end of “chance” so that it doesn’t sound like he’s saying Chan. We don’t want to do that.

Silly Heejun asks Will.I.Am for Fergie’s number and the crowd giggles with glee. He has a schoolboy crush you see. Oh America, isn’t it delightful how much of a huckster this boy is! I bet he’ll make it to the top 5 just on his adorably prankster sensibilities.

Randy isn’t as pleased with Heejun’s antics and his song was waaaaaaaay too pitchy. He has a point, Heejun clearly struggled.  J-Lo says she felt the struggle but she could tell that he wanted it to be great, but he just didn’t make it great. Steven calls him “special” and we all know what that means. Not a judge favorite.

I sang a duet with Obama in a video that was spliced together for the programmer’s amusement.

Elise was a cheeky baby that didn’t play by the rules. Will.I.Am suggests she smiles and then suggests she has a sing-off with President Obama, because he is current with the goings-on in the White House he watches the viral videos of Obama singing Al Green songs.

The judges are all happy and Randy wants to spread her performance on his bread, cuz it’s like butta!

Wait! Is that Milli? Or Vaniili?

DeAndre Brackensick used to dance in a big band outfit to the songs of the Music Man while his mom videotaped it and now all of America knows his little secret. MOOOOOOOooooom!

Will.I.Am does not approve of his song choice, Can You Feel the Love Tonight, and suggests Luther Vandross instead. So DeAndre puts on his Milli Vanilli best and then woes the entire audience with his luscious locks.

J-Lo thinks that Will.I.Am was wrong about the Vandross and she hopes that America won’t judge him too harshly. Steven and Randy are also upset about the song choice. The judges are being so picky about their song choices. DON’T GIVE THEM THE LIMITATION OF THEIR YEAR OF BIRTH IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT THEY WILL PICK JUDGES!!

This is what Heidi Montag looked like before her 5 billion surgeries. I see a promising future ahead!

Shannon Magrane used to love the Thumbelina theme song to the point that no one else in her family could get it out of their heads and needed to go to therapy.  She chooses One Sweet Day and wears sparkly shorts during her performance.

The judges love it but they were all super nervous for her. No one can compete with Mariah! They all breathed a huge sigh of relief when she made it through without butchering the thing. And all Ryan cares about is how much she comprises his manhood with her towering height. Ryan, you don’t have to worry about her compromising your manhood, you do it enough without any help from her.

Look at my face! It’s so pretty! J-Lo says so and she loves pretty young things so you know it’s true.

Colton Dixon used to be a baseball player and then decided he wanted to sing instead, much to his dad’s pride and joy. He picks Broken Heart and Will.I.Am says that it needs to be “more edgier”. Will.I.Am needs to study his grammar so he can talk more better.

J-Lo thinks Colton looks pretty when he sings and that’s all that matters when it comes to singing. Steven does not agree with his song choice and when the crowd boos he says “Raspberries!” This is a telltale sign to his true age. And Randy approves of his outfit; all of these are important components for killer singing skills.

Still loud.

Erika Van Pelt was just loud as a kid. Thanks mom! She chooses Heaven and kills it, but the judges have their opinions…

Steven was bothered by the arrangement of the song, J-Lo thinks Erika is the next Janis Joplin, but Randy actually likes it and tells her not to let anyone tell her different.

I can’t say I’m surprised. I mean, 4 warrants…

And now for the drama we’ve all been waiting for!! Jermaine Jones was kicked off the show and we get to see it happen! Nigel reads off his list of crimes and fake names he has used in the process AND he has 4 warrants out for his arrest. The British men are quite upset about Jermaine not disclosing the truth to them but they had no problem exposing him to the world as a criminal.

I have a hard time believing they didn’t just put him on the show for the drama and the rating they would get from the discovery of the warrants. But how were they to know really? It’s not like they can do a background check on anybody…

F your “Ghountry” Will.I.Am!!

When Skylar was little she was a mess and would bang her head on any hard surface she could find. Will.I.Am wanted her to go “ghountry” (ghetto+country) but she wanted to stick with her Bonnie Rait. Good for you Skylar! Stick to your guns and boots and your head banging ways.

Steven loves it, Randy loves it and J-Lo says she has to be honest in a very sad tone. “You rocked it!” J-Lo faked her out! Clever Jen. Who knew she had it in her? I thought Marc Anthony took every last piece of her soul.

Yeah! Take that jacket off! It’s way too hot for that jacket in here!

Joshua Ledet gets the surprise of his life today, as PA rolls out a huge-ass bucket of crayfish. Ryan forces some giggly tweens to try some crayfish but all they can do is stand there and stare and giggle until they pee a little from excitement.

Will.I.Am feels the pain in his rendition of When a Man Loves a Woman, and you know it’s something when Will.I.Am feels something.

Joshua got a standing ovation from the judges, which means they are happy. And thank the lord; they have been so cranky all night. I think they are all on their periods. They’ve spent so much time together that they are now cycling together.

I’m a little tinkerbell with amplifiers in my pockets.

Hollie Cavanaugh was goofy and messy as a kid, and British. Will.I.Am can’t believe the sounds that are coming out of her; she’s just a tiny thing and only big things can make loud noises.

J-Lo loves it but there were a few things that were off but it would be silly to mention it. Throughout the judge critiques, J-Lo keeps reminding the other to not be silly. We can’t critique the singers, that’s not our job. Don’t worry J-Lo, people will still like you if you tell them they suck.

Judges predictions:

Randy: Safe = Joshua Ledet; In Trouble = Heejun Han

J-Lo: Safe = Joshua Ledet, Hollie Cavanaugh, Phillip Squared She doesn’t want to tell anyone they did a bad job. She’s just going to leave that up to America. Such a pansy.

Steven: Safe = Joshua Ledet, Skylar, Elise. Then he also wusses out about saying who’s in trouble.

Looks like Randy is the only “dawg” with balls.

Stay tuned to see if the other two judges grow balls in the next few weeks.