American Idol Recap: There ANOTHER Ryan Seacrest?!?!

Where were you when it all started?

Apparently, everyone was 6 years old, sitting on the floor in front of the TV in their footie pajamas. Al least those are the people who openly and proudly admit they watch American Idol.

All the 6 year olds of the world have finally grown up and are ready to showcase humiliate themselves on national TV. Why is it that all the 6 year olds who watched Idol also happen to be tone deaf? Didn’t they learn anything after the 10 years and countless hours of audition after audition of talentless clowns?

If this episode is any indication, no they did not.

Randy Jackson is still around after all these years. Apparently his venture finding America’s Best Dance Crew hasn’t really launched his career as Dance Crew Finder Extraordinaire. Time to go back to his tireless job of searching for Waldo in a sea of pimply off-key teens.

We see the mandatory montage of how Idol has changed America with Steven saying things like “eargasms” and people begging for another chance to make the judges’ ears bleed again.

All I can think about is whether or not J Lo’s upper lip will ever move again.

Idol is holding auditions in Savannah, Georgia, for the very first time! It’s hard to believe that haven’t covered all the cities in America yet.

I’m really just tuning in to the show to find out who the next William Hung is. I’m tired of being late to the party; I want to be the first to know when we find gold like that again so I can make the ironic t-shirt first.

First kid they bother spending time on is David Leathers, the high school senior who looks like he still wears pull ups.

His claim to fame is that he was in a singing competition against Scotty McCreary and he won. Is he confusing reality with TV land again? His mom really needs to explain to him that you can’t interact with the images you see on the screen before he runs around telling people he beat Tiger Woods at golf. Wait, that happened.

J Lo then asks David if he knows any Michael Jackson songs because he looks like him. J Lo, you’re not Latina enough to call every young black kid Michael Jackson. You lost that right when you broke it off with Marc Anthony. And then again when you started dating a man boy that is 18 years younger than you with the same name as a cartoon ghost.

Regardless of whether or not he knows any Michael Jackson songs, he still looks enough like him that the judges are going to send him right through to Hollywood. America is in desperate need of another young African American boy that we refuse to allow to grow up.

Next kid worth focusing on is Gabriel Carruba. She’s been dancing since she was 1 year old and she LOOVVES to dance. Wait, did she mean to audition for So You Think You Can Dance? Emmmmbaaarraassing!!

All Gabi wants is to see Steven Tyler make his ‘special face’ where he looks like he ate a sour patch kid while listening to jazz.

She sings ‘Sunday Morning’ by Maroon 5 and, miracle of all miracles, Steven makes the face! The gang decides Gabi was born to do this so she is going straight to Hollywood! Steven doesn’t make that face for nothing; just a bowl of all green m&ms and a lot of positive reinforcement between takes.

With all the great positivity flowing, Idol is starting off as such a happy little program. It’s hard to believe that Savannah could have any bad singers. But why else would we watch the first three weeks of Idol other than to point and laugh at how people are failing at their dreams?

One thing Idol does with flair is montages. The program is drenched in montage after montage to spare us the suffering the judges had to endure, a service that I appreciate greatly. However I refuse to believe that the celebrity judges sit through every audition. I think they have fill-ins for the kids who aren’t important enough to have a celebrity judge reject them. The fill-ins are as follows: Teven Styler, J-Blow, and Randy Blackson.

One of the montage kids, Neco, sang ‘Grenade’ by Bruno Mars and every time he said ‘Ya’ it became more and more dramatic as if ‘ya’ was the most important word in the song and Steven made a face of a British professor who just found out one of his students was smoking behind the gymnasium. So basically he was shocked but only in the most stuffy way.

Sometimes when the camera pans to Jennifer, I catch a moment of dead-eyed stare until she realizes the camera is on her. In these moments I feel like I can see into the empty space that was once her soul.

Jessica, a girl with a Muppet voice, has been singing at basketball games and other public events her whole life. Her singing voice is a lot like her talking voice, very Muppet-like, specifically cookie monster. Who booked her on all these public events; the deaf town party planner?

The panel hates Jessica and Randy asks her if people ever told her she was good. She fails to comment.

She clearly is not going to Hollywood, yet she says “I will see you in Texas.” Maybe you’ll see them in Texas, but then you’ll see the inside of a jail cell immediately after.  Can you say staaaaalker?

The judges are shaking in their little judge chairs at the thought that they will have to hear cookie monster sing again. And she might be making little dolls out of their stray hairs she finds on the floor on her way out. Except for Randy. He’s safe ‘cause the dawg don’t shed.

Ryan Seacrest loves to talk, especially if it’s about himself and now he’s subjected us to the topic of “How can I have the same hosting job for 10 years?!” He has a tribute to himself which demonstrates how much people want to be like him. He wants people to know just how loved he is just in case we haven’t listen to his radio show or watched him on New Year’s Eve or seen his name in the credits of every reality show on the E! Network. We get it Ryan! You’re on the road to becoming the next Dick Clark and everyone wants to be you!

One guy named Sean is creepily close to being Ryan’s long lost twin and has been practicing for years just to emulate him. This is when his parents should really step up to the plate as parents and tell him to stop wasting his time. You won’t get anywhere in this life behaving like Ryan Seacrest, unless you kidnap him and tie him up in a basement first.

Sean is great at impersonating Ryan but terrible at the singing. You spent all your time practicing to be a cheesy host when you should have been practicing SINGING. Priorities son!

Next up is volleyball player, Shannon Magrane. Her dad, baseball player Joe Magrane, was in the World Series and is a famous person I’ve never heard of so they let her bring her entire family in to the audition. Steven calls her dad a hot human, “just like your daughter” and Joe looks at him in a way that if he were holding a baseball bat, Steven’s head would be exploded Gallagher style.

Shannon performs with her family standing all around her breathing down her neck. How can she perform in these conditions? That deserves a trip to Hollywood.

I’m sure her famous dad had nothing to do with her vote.

The Savannah-ans let us know that “In the south, we don’t sing we SANG.” They should change that to “In the south, people don’t sing they scream.” Why is it they think screaming is a valuable skill in singing? And do any of these people hear themselves? Can anyone hear at all?

Next they highlight the girl who lives in a tent, Amy Brumfield. She can actually sing so she’s going to Hollywood and she’s bringing her tent with her.  She’s the first down-on-her-luck-but-can-actually-sing story of the year.  She’s hoping to win the big REI shopping spree at the end.  Just once I’d like to see one of these heartwarming story people turn out to suck.

The next auditioner, Joshua, screams while holding his brain in order to prepare, then he runs into walls. And he sings just the way you think he will. Randy does a little sunshine dance while he sings just to illustrate to the audience just how bad this kid is and to disprove that Black men can dance.  Randy is no stereotype.

They don’t let Joshua go to Hollywood for obvious reasons and he is pissed. He gets on the phone to cry to someone while smoking a cigarette like a little 5 year old that didn’t get a cookie. Because 5 year olds often smoke cigarettes when they don’t get cookies.

He then yells at the camera crew for following him around, but really that’s not the way to get rid of them. You’re doing exactly what they want you to do. They want to catch all the crazy so that people will watch and say “Look at this guy! Look at how crazy he is. He can’t accept rejection like a normal adult. He’s just a little boy. Let’s all point at laugh at him from the comfort of our lazy boys.” It’s the golden rule: If you want to get rid of the camera crew keep your crazy on the inside until you try to assassinate a world leader.

Stephanie Renee has been watching American Idol since she was a fetus, so this audition day really means a lot. She is so nervous it looks like she may have pooped a little and is walking as if she is trying to prevent the pooplet from falling down her pant leg.

She managed to hide the pooplet enough that she’s going to Hollywood, much to Randy’s chagrin.

Next up is a girl named Schyler of the My-Parents-Don’t-Know-How-To-Spell-owitzes.  She and her brother both auditioned last year and the judges will not stand for her brother Koltan not auditioning this year. Schyler sings first and does a great job. Koltan isn’t supposed to sing but he does anyway. This seems to well planned.  Like Stephen Tyler’s outfits. Idol knows how to bring the drama. They both go to Hollywood. What a touching family moment.

Montage of rejection to the tune of “I’m Falling to Pieces”

Next auditioner works with special needs people and says she gets to “play all day”.  She has a heart of gold. Lauren Mink. Sings country strong about the same level of good as Gwenyth Paltrow. Which is not the greatest level of good.

She’s going to Hollywood where her heart of gold will definitely be crushed and someone will shit on her happy spirit until she goes back to her special needs people fully broken.

Steven is doing a really weird thing with his nail polish. It’s black but he only painted half of the nail. Why half the nail Steve? I refuse to believe that you ran out of polish and could not afford to buy more. I know how many industrial-sized trampolines you own.

Next contestant is from Africa and is planning on singing Rascall Flatts. There is one thing an African human with a thick accent shouldn’t do and that is sing Country music. There is just something about country music that feels odd when someone with a foreign accent going at it. No racist!

So American Idol does the only thing that is appropriate for such a die-hard fan: make fun of his accent. Steven Tyler then has one heck of a time trying to pronounce his name, Mawuena Kodjo, that’s a touch too ethnic for Steven to comprehend.

Randy challenges Mawuena to find people on the street who will prove him wrong and say that Mawena is a really good singer. The only way he can pull this off is if everyone in Savannah goes deaf right at this moment. But he goes through the exercise anyway because he has been contractually obligated to, and ryan goes with him because he knows an opportunity when he sees it and this scenario is just ripe with mockery. They find the whitest Georgian man they can to listen to Mawuena and then deny him access to a drinking fountain later.

The good ol boy listens patiently, which is more than I thought he would do, and then says, “Are you a runner?” Yup. That’s what I thought he would do.

Mawuena keeps plowing on and finds a group of little children-of-the-corn-girls who don’t want to be mean because their Christian parents won’t let them be mean to anyone.  That is not gay. They get dragged into the studio to prove to Randy that Mawuena has got what it takes. Randy tells the girls to wash out their ears because they don’t hear so good and then they are dismissed.

Mawuena goes on to claim that he is going to prove tham wrong and he is going to be the first African country musical star. He then poses with the family that fought for him in a photo and the look on the one brunette girls face when he puts his arm on her is priceless. She couldn’t be biting her tongue anymore for the fear of god inside her.

Ashley is a sales associate with a singer trapped inside her. She is 28 and she invented a move called the joy hop because she is so happy. There is something wrong with this picture. She is almost 30 and wearing 2 different color shoes. You’re too old to pull of the PUNKY BREWSTER look Ashley! Its’ not cute anymore! And it can’t help your sales associating.

It’s a good thing she was able to sing because otherwise this audition would have been really sad. Looks like she’s got a reason to do her joy hop now. It’s a good thing that she created it or how else will she show she is happy?

Unemployed guy W.T. is unemployed because he quit his job to audition for American idol, with a pregnant wife. His voice is not so great but he’s going to Hollywood anyway to support this unborn child for three more weeks until America has forgotten about him and Randy can dispose of him quietly.

Everyone loves Steven. One particularly cray-cray woman named Erica says that Steven is “her future ex-husband.” Now that’s love.

As soon as Erica gets into the audition room she starts crying. I mean, she is in the presence of her future ex-husband, and all those premonitions of when he will cheat on her with someone younger and better looking is very upsetting.  She then tells Steven of his fate and Randy fuels the fire by allowing her to touch Steven. When she is given this golden opportunity her lady parts dropped out of her skirt and she made an expletive. So much for clean family programming that 6 year olds watch and dream about.  Anyway, now Erica has half a dozen STDs.

Steven and Erica hug, she squeezes his ass and post-production edits it clown honking noises.

After she sings steven says that the best note she hit was when she honked his ass. Randy gets jealous and asks for a butt-honk hug.

She doesn’t care that she isn’t going to Hollywood, she got to butt honk two celebs.

NBA dancer Brittany,of course that’s her name, is there any dancer for any professional sports team with a name that doesn’t end in y or a? , Not a lot of Mildred’s in tube tops and sparkly skirts.  Anyway, she’s very hot.  Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover? Consider her judged.

While she was singing randy had to adjust himself because of the tightness that was forming in his pants. Steven isn’t impressed with how she “pushed it out,” but that doesn’t stop him from passing her on through to Hollywood. J Lo is the only one who has her head on her shoulders and can see that this girl cannot land a note.  I never thought I would be agreeing with J Lo after she decided to marry oppressive Guatemalan dictator Marc Anthony.

The last contestant is Phillip Phillips.  Why would his parents do that? He works at a pawn shop and his dad supports him 110%.  He’s really good. He’s my favorite already. Stop the competition. We found him. He’s like an edgier Dave Matthews. I can’t believe I just said that.  On the other hand I probably have a future in A&R.