On tonight’s American Idol, Skara learns that sometimes the crazy ones CAN actually sing, we all learn that dental care in America is not as good as we thought it was, and I learn that Tink used to be a chubby little dork??!!!
Tink opens tonight’s show with a little pop quiz. What city has idol visited five times? Has given us Fantasia, Clay Aiken, and Jennifer Hudson? And is where Tink was born in a cloud of pixie dust?
And then a bunch of dummies give their answers……
I eat human flesh.
My wife used to be pretty! See?
Rio de Janiero, Brazil?
Nope, dummies. It’s Atlanta!
Tonight’s guest judge is Mary J. Blige. She’s excited and tells us she thinks she’s going to be an honest judge.
Mary, I honestly hate that dress.
Ryan gives us the lowdown on Mary. Empress of soul, forty million albums, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don’t give a shit. I just want to know if she’s ready to crush these kids’ dreams. No answer on that one.
Tink tells us that each auditioner has to take an elevator ride up to the twenty-seventh floor to get to their audition. He thinks it will make for a long ride down if they don’t get a golden ticket. I would be farting my brains out on the way down just to make it difficult for everyone else.
Uh, who went to Taco Bell without telling me?
The first audition of the day belongs to Dewan Robinson. He tells us music is in his blood, it runs through his veins. Apparently his great uncle discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips. Okay. What that has to do with him being able to sing is unclear to me.
I think he’s wearing his great uncle’s pants.
He’s going to sing something he originally came up with. Uh oh. The song is called “Lady We’re Not Together Anymore.” I wonder what it’s about? His singing is AWFUL; he sings the first line in a really high voice and then switches over to a really low voice. And he pronounces lady as laty. The chorus of his song is him singing “it’s over” over and over and over and over again.
It’s over alright.
He tries to blame his suckiness on Simon, and somehow that gets him another chance to sing his crappy song! And guess what? It’s still crappy. Buh bye Dewan.
According to Tink they call it Hotlanta. Do they, Tink?
Oh, he’s just using that as an excuse to tell us the talent is leaving the judges cold. I thought that meant it was time for a montage o’suck, but they just show us one dude that the judges laugh at and then these cheerleaders. Cheerleaders?
Uh, excuse me? The CheerFest is on the twenty-fifth floor.
The next contestant up is Keia Johnson, and I immediately think she is another crazy.
I wonder what gave me that impression?
Mary J. clues us all in that Keia competed for a Miss America competition and she won. Miss Congealiality. That is, Miss Congealed Genitals. I mean, Miss Congeniality. My bad. Simon needs clarification. “So you didn’t get the I’m good looking, you got the I’m a good personality.” LOLLLOLL, Simon.
He wonders who would enter a beauty competition hoping to get the good personality award. “Me.” says Keisha.
You got a problem with that, Simon?
She sings “My Heart Will Go On”, and it’s a little shouty for me, but the judges like it. Randy likes the way she closed some of the phrases, Mary thinks she can really sing, and Skara can see how she won that contest. Simon likes her and thinks she’d totally get the part in Oklahoma! LOL!!!! He does like her though, and she gets a golden ticket to Hollywood.
Miriam Lemnouni is singing “The Climb” which means she is immediately dead to me. Of course she gets through. Also through are a brace face girl singing Whitney and a black girl who Skara thinks is the best they’ve seen all day. Whenever they say that I always wonder what time it is.
You know what we’re missing from this audition show? A kid with a heart of gold and a sob story.
I think I can help with that!
Jermaine Sellars is a church singer. Like that is his actual job. Tink thinks it’s cool that he gets paid to sing. But enough of that! Let’s talk about Jermaine’s mom. She’s awesome and supportive and she just happens to have spina bifida. Jermaine’s been taking care of her since he was seventeen. Golden ticket. Oh, wait, I got ahead of myself, but you know he’s getting one, right?
He’s singing Joan Osborne’s “What If God Was One Of Us?” Skara nearly creams herself.
Religion makes me hot.
He’s actually really good, although I could do without all the runs at the end. But that’s just me; I hate that crap. Randy thinks he has the best vocals they’ve seen yet. He has skills. Mary thinks it was incredible and anointed, whatever the fuck that means. Four yeses. DUH.
Had your fill of decent singers? Good! Because it’s time for another crazy person. Meet Christy Marie Agronow, producer and host of a local TV show about what is hot in Atlanta. It’s called 411, The Show and even has it’s own hand gestures.
Yeah, I hate her before she even sings. She’s one of those girls that tries WAY too hard to be cute. But inside, she knows everyone hates her.
Yep, we do.
She’s singing Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield.” OHMYGOD! I love that song! Remember the video where Pat portrayed a runaway teenage girl turned hooker even though she looked like she was forty? This is nothing like that. Christy Marie sucks monkey balls.
She tells them that this is her battlefield here today because this is her love, singing is her life, music is her passion. She’d love to go to Hollywood.
No Fucking Way
Simon tells her it was terrible. Skara has the 411 for her: YOU SUCK!!!! Well, she says it a little nicer. Simon says it was more like 911. She seems to handle it pretty well until she gets downstairs to her mom and then she won’t shut the fuck up about it! She even says random strangers clap for her. Hey Christy Marie? Maybe they’re clapping because they’re so happy you’re done singing, did you ever think of that?
Montage of people being turned down. We are spared the agony of hearing them sing which means they were probably okay, not great, but certainly not horrific or we’d certainly have been “treated” to that.
And now we’ve made it to the last audition of the day, Vanessa Wolfe, from Vonore, Tennessee. She tells us she jumps bridges, and just in case you aren’t sure about whether or not you’ve reached Hicksville, USA, the show helpfully provides some banjo music to let you know exactly where you are.
Vanessa tells us that there ain’t nothing to do in Vonore, so she likes to jump bridges, the higher the better.
Isn’t that usually called attempting suicide?
And then Vanessa starts to break my heart a little. She tells us that she doesn’t really have a life: she never goes to the movies or to the mall or anything. She’s stuck, she tells us. She got her dress for $4.50 from the dollar store in Smyrna. But it’s her sitting with her mom on the porch that pushes me over the edge.
Her mom says this is her dream and she’ll support her 100,000 percent. “I love you, mama.” “I love you back.” “You make me feel good about myself.”
And NO, I am NOT crying. I just got a little bit of dust in my eye or something. But now I’m a little worried that the show is fucking with her, and I’m feeling sort of protective toward her because she is so trapped and she is so painfully aware of just how trapped she is. I really hope she can sing because if this was all a set up I will be so fucking pissed.
Vanessa is going to be singing “Wagon Wheel” by Old Crow Medicine Show. You can definitely tell she is nervous as hell, but there’s something there. She is old school country. Downstairs with Tink her mom says she is so nervous she has frogs instead of butterflies. Say it with me now…….Awwwwww.
Skara says she was a lot better than she thought she’d be. That’s less nice than I’d like it to be. Simon says there’s something about her that he likes, but he thinks she is incredibly ill prepared for this. He thinks Hollywood will eat her up. I think so too. They all say yes, and she cries and asks them if they’re cereal. LOL.
And that’s the end of day one.
Moving right along to day two. Were disappointed that Vanessa could actually sing? Were you hoping to see a dumb hillbilly get made fun of? Well, never fear! Up next is JC Hamilton from Bumfuck, Alabama.
This is why you should never fuck a blood relative.
He tells Tink that he nearly died three times in his life. Tink acts all concerned, wanting to know all about it. Don’t tell him JC! Too late, JC tells him and the editors kindly give us reenactments to go along with the story. When he was just a young un he had dick fever, and went as limp as a dishrag. Oh, wait. I guess he said TICK fever. Sorry about that.
He’s also almost been hit by a stray bullet while playing around with guns, and recently he was almost run over. He thinks God is looking out for him. If that were true than God would have stopped him from coming to this audition.
He gets up to the judges and we find out that he has never sung in public before. Well! Then this is certainly the place you want to be doing it for the first time! He would like to try and a sing a Garth Brooks song. If only he could remember the words.
And Mary just loses it.
Either that or she’s trying to give Skara a blow job.
Skara tries to play it off like Mary’s crying. Why? I don’t fucking know! JC fumbles around for a while longer, and then they’re all laughing at him, and of course it’s a no. The editors want to milk this for all it’s worth though so they add in sound effects of crashing just so we can all get a few extra laughs.
And then we get another montage of people being told no. And now we’re moving on to Holly Arden, or “Guitar Girl”.
I want to smash her all over the stage.
Simon gets a look of horror on his face as soon as she walks in the room. He wants to know why she would dress like a guitar. Well, because she was a guitar for Halloween and everyone thought it was cute, so why not? Is that a rhetorical question?
She’s singing “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Take My Man” by Loretta Lynn. She’s not terrible. I know! I was shocked as well. Simon thinks it’s really strange that she’s dressed like a guitar, looks sort of like an insect and is singing country and western at them. She thinks it’s cute. I think she thinks she’s cuter than she actually is.
Not cute. AT ALL.
Simon thinks she has a great personality. Randy thinks she’s hilarious, and Skara thinks she’s ballsy to come in like that. Mary doesn’t get it. Randy and Skara say yes, Mary says no, and Holly tells Simon he’s gorgeous so of course she gets a ticket to Hollywood. I don’t like her. If we’re going to have a gen-u-wine country girl, I’d much rather have Vanessa over this idiot.
Time for another montage o’suck.
Is this a guy or a girl?
Simon tells her (?) it’s like a cat barking. It shouldn’t happen. I love Simon, y’all.
Dude, you’re a day late to get adopted!
Then there’s some girl with tons and tons of hair who sings Janis and gets through to Hollywood, along with a bunch of other people we don’t hear sing. And now it’s time for some dude who’s calling himself Skii Bo Ski. He tells us he is the thang. Yeah, he is some THANG alright.
He has the American Idol logo shaved into his head and talks like a moron. He’s such a moron that he misspelled his fake name on his shirt. What a dumbass. I’m over him already.
He Skii Bo Skis around for a while before getting to the singing. He sings “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” and he’s fairly good which really sucks because there is no way I want him to move forward, he’s such an arrogant little prick. Wait! I take that back. Move him forward and pleasepleaseplease end up making him cry like a little bitch. Make it so.
He can’t be satisfied with just singing well, he has to keep on spouting idiocy. He tells them he is like the dollar store. Cheap and crappy? Randy thinks he doesn’t even make sense. Simon hates him. Skara thought he was going to be a disaster, but he has a good voice. Mary thinks he has a great voice, but he has to make his image match his voice. Simon votes no, but everyone else votes yes (but not before Randy basically tells him to shut the fuck up) so he’s through to Hollywood.
Oh Lord. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, here come Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders.
Hahahahahahaha! Isn’t forever longer than life?? Holy crap do these girls have a lot of makeup on. They play patty cake, play hide and seek (I think) and tell us that they spend every weekend together. Because they’re BFFs. DUH.
Ryan wants to know what happens if someone makes it and someone doesn’t. But Lauren (the creepy one that looks like a doll) says that isn’t going to happen. They’re both going to make it. Du-uh. Because they’re such BFF they go up to audition together. Simon wants to know if they’re going to sing together. Nope. So he gets down to it. “Who’s the better one?”
I’m gonna say we’re the same but I totally think it’s me.
They both insist they’re equally talented, and Simon hilariously mutters, “Annoying, annoying, annoying.” Lauren’s up first. What’s she going to sing? “Bleep In My Pants” Is that a real song?!? Is it Shit in my pants? What is it? I have to know! Someone let me know if you know!
She’s just kidding. I don’t know what she sings, but she sure does suck. And then Carmen sings and she is better. I don’t think she’s that great, but she’s a lot better than her BFF so you know she’s going to get through just to cause some drama. Simon thinks they should form a group called The Ditz Sisters or something.
They all say yes to Carmen, but no to Lauren. Lauren is begging the entire time and Skara actually tells her that she should support her best friend. Simon thinks that this will be real awkward for them now.
I wonder why he’d say that?
From the BFFs we go to a quick threesome of crappy girl singers who obviously don’t get a golden ticket. After that Simon claims he’s getting a migraine, so he steps out for a break. Can anyone really blame him? I would have jumped out that window hours ago.
While Simon is gone it’s time for Brian Walker, chunky cop. We see him pretending to do cop stuff, but you can tell it’s make believe because all he does when he’s got some guy pulled over is tell him to buckle up. Please. I’m not buying that. It doesn’t even look like he left the guy sitting there for twenty minutes while “checking” his driving record. Totally unrealistic.
He tells the judges he’s going to sing “Superstar” in the style of Reuben Studdard. And he is really fucking good. The judges are surprised. Skara never realized that pudgy po-pos could sing. Randy says he looks nothing like he sounds like. He can sing. Mary says he has the type of voice where you don’t have to prove anything; it’s just there. He’s going to Hollywood. Because he can sing.
From Brian we go to Lamar Royal who is really excited to be singing for Mary J. Blige. He tells us that today no matter what the judges say, he will respect their opinion. He loves taking constructive criticism.
As long as it’s actually not criticism at all.
He gets up there and immediately begins shouting “Kiss From A Rose” at them, while also fucking up the lyrics. Unless they really say the rose is in gloom, which is new to me. Randy tells him it was kind of tortuous. So Lamar would like to do another song. No thanks. Randy just doesn’t think he’s that good.
Skara says she’s not going to say he’s a terrible singer. He’s shocked because that’s not true. You know, he’s right. He actually IS a terrible singer. Skara’s trying to help him out here, and he is so good at taking constructive criticism that he starts singing another song after they already told him not to.
Mary tells him he has to try and find some humility instead of trying to exalt himself. Randy tells him he’s not ready yet, and Lamar starts singing again and then tells them to fuck off. He doesn’t understand, and he starts losing it big time yelling and singing like a crazy person until security has to remove him.
Sign me up for that elevator ride!
Lamar has a few people/things he would like to tell to fuck off. ”Fuck the whole goddamn American Idol show. Fuck Mary J. Blige. All that. And that bitch can’t sing neither. She can’t sing a fucking lick.”
Back in the judging room Mary says she was starting to duck because she didn’t know what he was going to do. She didn’t know if he was going to pull out a gun. She was gettin her duck on.
Lamar’s still going off on his tirade, and now he wants to know who Skara is. He never heard of that bitch, and he wishes Paula was here. And then he starts singing again outside!! Ah, delusion. She is grand. The best part of the whole thing?
These people!!! I love them! Call me and we’ll hang out!
And now it’s time for the last audition of the night. General Larry Platt. He’s sixty two years old so you know there’s some other reason he’s been let through to this point since he’s obviously ineligible. That reason would be his song. It’s called “Pants On The Ground”.
By now you’ve all already heard it a dozen times at least, this dude is getting more airtime than Kris Allen. Well, to be fair, he’s got more to say.
Pants on the ground, Pants on the ground,
Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!
Simon says he has a horrible feeling that song could be a hit. Randy’s ready to go out and buy a belt. And that’s it for Atlanta. Tink tells us they gave out twenty five golden tickets, but I can only remember about five, so I should be nice and surprised when I see people in Hollywood. Personally I think I’m routing for Vanessa Wolfe even though she’s sure to crack once she get to Hollywood.
What did you think, Gasmi? Anyone really stand out for you? Are you missing Paula?
Next week, deep dish pizza in Chicago!
Thanks for letting me guestcap! I had a blast!