American Idol: Billie Jean is Not My Cover

This week on American Idol, Paula and I were on the exact same page.

I woke up for this?

My first question is…

How in God’s name is Til Death still on the air?

Tink is in a good mood tonight so instead of fat, tone deaf and dickish, he introduces the judges as “superstars”. They all smile big and fall for it hook, line and tinker. Guys, just in case you haven’t met the fairy, he’s just blowing glitter up your asses. You’re not so much superstars as creepy adults who diss teenagers and try to break their spirits so you can have the opportunity to wear fingerless pleather gloves and your entire tacky line of cheap jewelry on TV instead of just giving up and taking a nap like you should have done fifteen years ago.

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got,

I’m still Jenny From the Been Around the Block.

The Top Ten comes out and lines up at the front of the stage. Brooke and Ramiele are kind of off to the side like “These people cuss” and “Nobody has talked to me since the gay dude left.”

The songs tonight are going to be from the year the contestants were born. If Fetus doesn’t sing Fergie’s “Glamorous”, he’s insane. Ramiele is up first. In her “get to know me” clip, she says that she learned to sing at family parties on the karaoke machine. That this girl is so willing to just say “f it, I’m gonna be a sushi slingin’ karaoke crooning Asian and I’m gonna be proud of it” sort of endears me to her. Her hair always stood straight up when she was a baby and she had issues with biting. Her mom tells us in a clip not to worry though, because she got over that when she was three. Actually, she still bites it quite a lot.

Ramiele says that she knows she’s lucky to still be around to talk about her childhood and if she doesn’t nail it this week she’s gonna be back sticking rice to seaweed paper before the summer’s out. The whole underdog thing gets me every time, and just like that, I like this girl.

And then she goes to the garage, gets a shovel, and bludgeons Heart’s “Alone”. Loved that song until right now. Wow, this is an emotional roller coaster already and we’re just in the first number. No one messes with Ann and Nancy Wilson! At first, Ramiele sounds like she’s gonna do well, but then she goes way off key and belts out froggy noises. Not good. Ah well, maybe Noriega will let you bunk with him on Rosie’s cruise. You’ll be real popular there.

Aaaahhhhhhh-choo!

Ramiele’s sick. So that’s why she was painfully off the tone and rhythm of the song. This week. Randy doesn’t care. He says she picked a song that was too big for her and Carly’s already done it way better. Why would she sing a song Carly’s sung before? Dang, girl. Smarten up. Paula says something about bravery and pride and packages as she jangles her QVC line at the cameras. Simon says that she wasn’t as sucky as Randy said and that if she was still in the running after the hot mess she plopped center stage last week, even this slight improvement would keep her here another round. You suck. See you next week! The audience screams and applauds like he just told her she won the whole thing.

Ramiele isn’t crying yet, so Tink asks Randy why he’s being so mean. He sticks to his guns. Rami sucks and when Simon listens later at home he’ll hear that she was all over the place. Simon clarifies; he didn’t mean to suggest that the performance was good or even decent, it was just better than last week. Then Randy makes it as clear as possible that she sucked last week and she sucked tonight, double suck sucky suckage. Rami still isn’t crying. Congrats! You’ve finally managed to steal Rami’s soul.

Castro’s up next. He der de ders aimlessly about being a pudgy cute baby with gorgeous eyes. People still compliment him on his eyes! It’s because they’re trying to avoid mentioning your hair and that twitching thing you do with your face when you sing. Get over yourself. He sings Sting’s “Fragile”, and it’s ok in that guy asking me for change outside of Pinkberry kind of way. I wish he was that guy so I could pelt him with quarters while I waited in line while asking no one in particular where a guy can buy a bottle of shampoo around here. It’s the day dream I have every time Castro comes onstage. Sorry to repeat it, but it won’t stop coming into my head.

Extra points for Spanish, I guess, but BOOOOOORRRRINGGGG. This is exactly the look I had on my face the whole time:

Randy loves the song but doesn’t think Jason really showed any vocal acrobatics. Paula slowly and drowsily agrees. Simon says that it’s his second crap week in a row and he sounds like someone asking for change outside a subway station. LOL. Yay, same page. He could be a winner, but isn’t yet and needs to take it more seriously. Tink asks Castro if he’s as lazy as Simon says and Jason blinks his twinkly eyes at the camera and der de ders like the sweet little Muppet he is.

Syesha’s mom tries to say as nicely as possible that her kid was a nightmare. Syesha comes on and says that she’s just sensitive and cried a lot, and then tells stories about wearing dance uniforms with sparkles on them. Uhhh, glad we get more time to get to know these people this season. I needed more pee breaks, and I got em. I promised myself I wouldn’t FF through so much of the show tonight, but when Sy does her crying baby impression, I just can’t hold it any more.

And I’m back. When you drink Starbucks, does your pee smell like it? Mine does. That was four dollar pee I just made. Sorry. Moving on. Sy sings “If I Was Your Woman”, and even though her personality makes me want to push seniors down in crosswalks, I have to say she nails it for the second week in a row. She gets all her belt notes and her Mariah squeals. Really strong. Never saw that one coming. Now if they’d only get her to stop talking.

Sideshow Bob is really coming out of his shell.

Randy says that she sounded the best ever and she’s kick ass and finally proved to be a real competitor. Paula says that she finally Flipit! HOLLA PAULA! Simon thinks it was the best so far but that she has a limit and she just stretched it. She’s being nicer and showing less attitude lately but he has learned by now that if he’s nice to her she’s be back to asshole land in no time. Way to keep her on her toes, tiger.

Chikeze tells Tink, in a very serious tone, that this weeks song choice was hard because the judges ripped him last time he sang a ballad so he is nervous about doing it again. But the vocal coach and band leader told him to “follow his heart” in these matters. I have to press pause to give my eyes time to roll back from the back of my head. Tink says “in just a few minutes we’ll get back to Chikeze following his heart”. LOL. But first, let’s get to know him! Wow! Chik even looked like Isaac from The Love Boat when he was a baby! CUTE!

Chik was born on 9/11, which has gotta suck. He glazes over that fact, but I can’t get terrorism out of my head now. Thanks, dude. Just lie and say you were born on the 10th so we can all watch this show without feeling uncomfie, umkay? Thanks. Anyhoo, his mom always played Nigerian cultural music when he was growing up, and every time her son put his head on her shoulders and sang for her she would laugh her ass off. LOL, Chik Mom. It wasn’t until he got his “yellow ticket” that she realized oh shit, he’s not kidding. He really wants people to pay him for singing. Who knew? She is sweet and adorable and I wish she was about to perform tonight.

“If Only for One Night” is his big risky ballad. He goes off key a bit in the beginning, but his voice is silky smooth for most of the song. I think that the judges should have been clearer last time. Ballads aren’t the problem, horrible ballads are. Bore snore and seven years ago this song began. He is grabbing hands of the screaming teenagers and looking longingly into the cameras. It seems like he’s taking himself more and more seriously, and I hate that shit. Randy brings him down, saying that he was bored.

Paula disagrees and says that he’s a great singer. Simon thought his voice sounded good but he showed no originality and was boring. Chik gets defensive and says he does what he does for his audience, “I’m sorry!” At first his arguing was cute and brazen, now it’s sweaty and desperate. Shut it.

You are getting sleeeepy….

Coming up, Brooke White was a cross eyed baby.

A cross eyed baby who grew up to play piano by ear. Her “fingers just knew“. It’s always the ones you wanna send back that turn out to have all the talent, huh? The only other revelation in her get to know me video is that Brooke comes from possibly the whitest family I have ever seen. I don’t know why this bugs me. I think it’s because they seem like the type of clan to knock on your door at six AM Christmas morning to hug you and sing Silent Night when you’d rather be sleeping and being a Playstation glutton. Get the hell off my doorstep, Brooke’s family! I don’t know where my annoyance with these people comes from, but like Brooke’s fingers, my middle one “just knows”. I can’t help it.

Would you like some cheese with those crackers?

Oh yeah, this is why she bugs me. Before she begins her song, she looks up to the sky, like God’s taking time off from the mess we’ve made of the world to check out this very special performance of hers. ARGH. Just sing already, lady.

“You been touched by an angel, girl.”- Bring it On

Woops, should have waited for God to finish checking out what that suicide bomber was doing because he missed your first few seconds. She sings the first phrase in the wrong key and stops. She takes her gaze away from Heaven and stares down at the piano and starts again. LOL. I love seeing people trip over their own phony baloney.

Her version of “Every Breath You Take” is sweet and tinkly. I could imagine hearing it on the radio, and then turning it off. She never really connects with it and when she belts she gets shaky and scratchy. Lame performance but awesome arrangement. Hope someone steals that shit. Sarah McLachlan, are you reading this?

Randy thought the beginning part (besides the obvious boner) was good, but it got uninteresting when the band came in. Paula says it was better than last week but can recognize her in one note and likes that she has a niche. Playing the piano, oooh, how original. Simon agrees with Randy and says that it was good enough to stay but she needs to get her crap together and get a solid act down.

Tink brings up her mistake and she admits that she shouldn’t have stopped but…Paula chimes in “That’s Brooke!” Compliment? Who the hell knows with that woman? Coming up, the reason I like Carly even after lame Blackbird speeches and Kelly Clarkson imitations.

How can you not love this kid?

Back from break. Tink tells us that we can enter a contest to design a new Coca Cola cup for the judges table. Uhhhh….I’ll get right on that. Then he picks up Simon’s cup and pours the last drips on himself. WTF? This poor guy needs a vacation.

Michael Johns is up next. He looks way too like his mother. It’s kinda gross. How could you ever kiss him without thinking of his mom trying to pronounce “competitive” over and over?

Tennis anyone?

He goes for the full on rock vibe tonight with Queen’s “We Will Rock You”, which is off key and badly belted. Then he slips into “We Are the Champions”, which he can’t get through without hitting the high notes. Some he changes and some he just bungles. How many different ways can you not be as good as Freddy Mercury in one night? This is an AI record, so congrats. I have liked most of this guy’s performances, but ouch. This one hurteded.

Agreed.

The girls go CRAZY. Randy is with them, calling this Michael’s best performance to date. HUH? Paula clunks her QVC line down on the table and agrees with Randy and then babbles nonsensically about discounts for premium members or something. Simon, the voice of reason, says that Johns finally showed star potential. Wow. I really missed the boat on this one. What the hell just happened?

Carly’s next and she has never had a moment in her life where she wasn’t awkward as all get out. I like her.

She sings “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, which I love. It’s hard for me to give an honest opinion of this song because I kept singing “Turn around, bright eyes!” over and over, even when it wasn’t in the song. She got off the rhythm a bit toward the end and almost lost her voice on her last riff, but damn. The girl gives it her all. She looked like her head was gonna pop right off. When she’s done, Randy does his Eddie Murphy as an old complainy Jewish guy impression.

It coulda been bettuh.

He doesn’t like the whole “rock vibe” for Carly and doesn’t like her song choice. Excuse you? Paula says that she doesn’t like the song either but Carly made her like it. What did Bonnie Tyler ever do to you? That woman is a goddess, you fingerless roboto voiced nutnut. Paula loved the end, and Randy argues with her, saying it was out of tune. Simon says she was disconnected and the performance didn’t gel. She needs to lighten up. HAHA. You guys have made her a nervous wreck and now you wonder why she’s not all light and fluffy? One thing AI does well is take talented people, break them like horses, and then build them back to Clive Davis’ expectations. Those of us who have obsessed over this show know that Carly is just in the breaking phase, but it’s sad to see this once so confident girl so shellshocked.

Alright, who stepped on the blackbird again?

The Fetus is next. Tink starts teasing him about who he will take to kinder-prom if he gets to go, and he says that he doesn’t wanna jinx it. Might it be a certain young lady in the audience? WHO? WHO? The one sitting next to his pot bellied controlling kid selling asswipe of a stage dad? OMG! Look who it is!

Jenny Craig has turned Valerie Bertanelli into a total minx!

After a little clip of Fetus dancing with his sister as a (smaller) child, Tink cracks that after that clip, we all know what prom will look like. Short jokes always work best when they come from little people. It’s like how only gay people can say the fg word. I don’t know why it’s fair, but it is.

He has chosen what I am sure he considers an “upbeat” song, but it’s “upbeat” in that cool church kind of a way. Ew. Hate cool church and hate the song, and I think Fetus does too cuz he dances really awkwardly and spastically and then bones belt notes when the tune speeds up. Then he warms up and starts nailing it with confidence. Beautiful voice, but please don’t dance. Ever again. He goes flat on a couple big notes and cracks on another toward the end, but it’s better than he’s been doing lately, and even his dick of a dad stands up and smiles instead of taking off his belt.

Randy says the song was lame but he can SANG, Paula’s scrotum receded when she heard the Christian rock and she disses the fact that he didn’t sing an American song (it originated in Austrailia). I know you must be as sick of hearing this as I am of saying it, but SHUT UP, PAULA! Simon says that he has a good voice but the song was very theme park-y and he knows that his asswipe dad chose that bs song. Simon will cut the dad’s cord eventually, and it will be beautiful. Just a sidenote, does the Fetus have lung issues? He breathes like that old lady with a hole in her throat on the old emphysema PSAs. Anyhoo, he’s supposed to be the second coming, but he hasn’t turned in an awesome performance since “Imagine”. Bring on the hate mail, twelve year olds. I can take it. Flipit@TVgasm.com.

Dearest Fetus, Thank you for making my haircut relevant again. Love, Liza Minelli.

Kristy Lee Cook’s personal story was probably intense and insightful, but every time she comes on the screen I can only hear a ringing sound in my ears. It’s like my body’s own natural defense system. Yay, nature!

I know, right?

Alright. Tonight is the night that finally made me realize this girl isn’t as much of a moron as she seems to be. She knows she’s in trouble, so she does the smartest thing she can do. She panders. Sure, her rendition of “Proud to Be An American” is sluggish, off the beat, crackly, screechy, and completely boring, but hicky crackers all over the country just reached for their phones out of their own guilt over cheering on the Iraq war when it started so many years ago. We were duped, we know it, and now all we can do is repeat “but I support the troops” over and over again because really, what else is there to say? Sorry about your missing leg, dude. We thought they had something.

Wow, that was a little off the beaten path, but you know what I mean. Everyone loves patriotism, especially when we know we’re ass backwards wrong. And what’s more patriotic than voting for a young person who’s publicly expressing their national pride? Besides actually enlisting. Oh hell no. I picked Kristi Lee as my fave to go home this week in Juddfan’s office pool, and I suspect I will be losing. AGAIN.

Randy, like he himself can’t believe his own words, says that he loves the song and he loved the performance. Paula says that it wasn’t her favorite but she sounds better than usual. Simon says “you’re best performance in awhile”. He also says it was a brilliant song choice and it will keep her in the competition. She jumps around and screams. Ugh. Ooooh, look! Kimberly Locke will be on the news after the show to assure us that “there is definitely life after Idol.”

Celebrity Fit Club, consider yourself a life jacket.

Have you ever been in a mall or a restaurant and seen a baby that made you do a double take and “wow” in a totally not nice way that offends the mom? I have, and I promised myself I would never be so rude about an innocent baby again, but damn. David Cook was one ugly ass little brat.

Who gave the producers this picture? This is just cruel.

OMG! It just got worse. David’s voice over comes on to tell us that he was a freaky baby with an enormous skull, and then this picture comes on.

WOW

OK, so rude baby comments out of the way, Cook bugs me with his arrogance and his slit eyed camera raping, but the guy can sing his ass off. He does an exact copy of the Chris Cornell version of “Billie Jean” that came out last year, and he does it really well, belting it and feeling it and yes, painfully eye raping me. The audience goes nuts.

Randy says that he’s the most original and “most bold” contestant they have ever had and that performance proved that he could win the whole shebang. OK, he’s good, but original? He sings EXACTLY like Chris Daughtry and that song was a total rip. Paula stays standing and commends his smarts and his willingness to stretch the boundaries. Again, huh? Simon says it was brave, too, and calls it amazing. ???

All in all it was a hum drum night, dontcha think? The only one who really topped herself was Syesha, and I have a hard time getting on board with her. What do you guys think?