Tonight, dreams do come true, but not for bat boys.
Hack singing isn’t enough to entertain you? How bout some hack comedy?!? The American Idol Judges’ Table is going to be put on display in the Smithsonian, and this coincides with Ben Stiller’s movie, Night at the Museum part 2, which coincidentally takes place in the Smithsonian. I took my niece to see the first one, and all she could say was “this is scary” and, when Stiller graced the screen, “he scary”. LOL. Agreed, niece. Agreed. Nice to know American Idol is going down in history, officially. I imagine it will be in the room with the petrified donkey dung from Egypt, 88 BC.
And we’re worried about the bombs in Palestine.
Four of the actors from the movie open the show, and the only one who gets any funniness in there is the dude from SNL, who quotes Paula. “You look fabulous.” “You’re wonderful.” “Where am I?” HAH. The rest of them tank. It’s to be expected though. They’re standing next to Ben. How is it that he always has a movie coming out during American Idol? And how many times will the producers let him come out and bomb? Why have I spent two paragraphs on this? This isn’t Inside the Hacktor’s Studio. This. Is American Idol!
Blake is in the audience, and I have my fingers crossed for one of his wiggy wiggy spit into the mic performances. After that opening I could use a good laugh. He’s sitting behind (I think) Kevin Bacon, which must be awkward cuz Bacon lost like eighteen billion dollars in the Bernie Madoff scandal. He looks appropriately dour.
Now we’re equals! We can borrow each other’s plastic jackets! Pinky link!
Tink thanks the actors for being there and no one applauds. LOL. Then he makes a joke about Simon’s baby t’s being donated to the museum next, and no one laughs. LOL again. We’re in for a fun night. Over 88 million votes came in last night. I suspect a lot of them were from awkward chunky girls like this one.
Nice oval, you twit.
There were only one million votes separating the top 2 tonight, which presumably means the loser got his ass kicked. If Hambert’s going home, he’s doing it in style. And by style I mean WOW. Have some makeup. He’s wearing even more than usual. Hey you guys, do you remember when Delta Burke was skinny? Why does Delta Burke show up in my recaps so often? I have no answer for that. Except to say
Let’s say hello to the Judges and welcome our guest judge, Barney!
If you listen to him backwards, he’s just saying Hitler over and over again.
Skara does her Miss El Paso on a float wave, and it’s commendable that she’s going sleeveless with a hairy skin rash on her elbow.
Paula is in a sexy maid outfit with a giant was of foil on her finger,
…and Simon is all happy and winky. Or he’s just trying not to hurt both of his eyes by looking at Tink’s bleached teeth.
Now let’s watch this week’s Ford ad. It’s kinda rude.
They never would have tried to make Carrie feel ugly.
Just kidding. Those are real dogs, not just three versions of Church Lady Gokey. Have you ever wondered what Hambert would look like without makeup? Yikes. I won’t ever complain about the Mary Kay orgy on his face ever again.
By all means, pull out your Mary Kay bag.
All three guys are dressed like they’re at an Old Navy funeral. Danny’s face is priceless in this pic.
Then we’re given an idea of what Krispy Twink is gonna look like when his wife leaves him for the tall hot guy she’s been sitting with.
Don’t eat banana and peanut butter sandwiches on the pot. Consider yourself warned.
The set is the same as it is every week, but this time it’s filled with about twenty cars you’d be an idiot to buy.
Tink tells us that last night we saw what wonderful work Carrie Underwood’s been doing in Africa. What work? She kissed a baby, danced like a cracker, and then ran from a herd of villagers in her luxury SUV. Alicia Keys is here, and Simon’s like BFD.
Alicia’s not singing tonight. HEY! RIP OFF! She’s here to tell us how shitty things are in Africa. You don’t say. Guess where else things are shitty? EVERYWHERE. Sing or leave the stage, lady, this isn’t the National Geographic Channel. She’s wearing so much moisturizer she looks like she’s wrapped in Saran Wrap.
I haven’t donated my own money, but I’ve given lots and lots of lotion.
Alicia is the head of some charity organization, and she asks us all to text a number that will charge five bucks to our cell bills. Damn, girl, It’s a recession! For five bucks I expect one of those little buggers shipped to me in a box. She’s brought a kid with her. A kid from Rwanda with a dream of making an album to help raise money for kids with HIV/AIDS. Great. Make him a rock star. Cuz that doesn’t lead to promiscuous condomless sex at all. It’s hard to understand her, but I think his name is Noah. He learned the English version of this song in one week! Wowee! My cleaning lady still doesn’t know what I’m saying, and she’s been with me for two years. Lazy heifer.
I can’t hear him sing, but it might be because he has eight backup singers. Way to show confidence in your find, Alicia! I think he’s drunk, cuz he keeps kicking his leg out and shouting “I’m fifty! Fifty years old!”
Noah’s super cute, and I can totally see Hambert in his plastic purple jacket. He doesn’t really have a strong grasp on …er…singing, but he sure is an energetic little tyke.
I don’t know what the hell this song is. All I can hear is “I am a mountain/I am a bean pole”. He jumps up and down a lot, then he raps, and then he does a Church Lady impression!
He goes to the judges’ table and shakes their hands, but then he rips wind.
Sorry! My bad! Don’t hold it against Africa!
What a cutie. I hope I never have to hear that again. I hope that Simon gets his other child star of the moment and holds a kid talent battle.
Sorry Alicia. I just texted money to Iran.
The final three are waiting backstage, and Church Lady is called out first.
Hot chicks always cover half their faces with Panama Jack hats. Go for her!
As he comes out, a silent clip of him plays on the screen. It’s not very flattering. He looks like a pudgy vampire with huge nostrils.
Tink interviews him. Church is feeling unsure. He went home to the cheese state, which is the most fitting state for him to be born in since there’s currently no state with the nickname pasty lesbians with glued on facial hair. He saw Gay Best Just Friends, Jamar, there. Tink asks the audience if they remember Gay Best Just, and they kinda clap. He was the one with TALENT and multiple piercings that got booted cuz no one close to him had died that month. LAME. Church Lady tells us what it was like seeing Gay Best Just again, and in typical Church Lady fashion, he takes waaaay too long to tell the story. Because “we hugged and caught up” is so fucking deep an answer.
Then we faced each other.
Then we climbed on top of each other.
Then he won the wrestling match and I got violated.
Then we pretended nothing happened and promised to hang out soon.
Now we are treated to Church’s trip home. His fans look just like him.
This is how you know Church is an a hole. This poor girl in plaid pants, a glitter top and a pink boa is the only one who chases his SUV limo and he won’t stop. But he does take the time to laugh at her. LOL. He’s an a hole, but at least he’s funny.
There are lots of under 10′s in his crowd. A camera man asks a little girl why she likes Church and she answers “cuz he’s cute, he has good glasses, and he lives in Milwaukee.” She even has glasses on her poster. Hilarious. Some people identify with Ham’s gayness, or Twink’s youth and plain yogurtness, or Gokey’s…glasses.
He knows he’s supposed to cry during his parade, but he can’t. Instead, he pokes his eyes with his thumbs to get some tears formed while showing his latest pair of Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.
He says the hardest thing about this is thinking of where he was ten months ago and how far he’s come. What ever could he mean by that? Back to the show. Tink mentions the song Paula chose for him and he looks up like “don’t make a bitchy face don’t make a bitchy face.”
Tink mentions his spastic dancing and he giggles, which annoys Simon.
He is sent to wait on the couch while Krispy is brought out. He went back to Arkansas and got free cheese dip for life at his favorite restaurant. Well, then it was all worth it. His crowd is even younger than Gokey’s. It looks like RompaRoom outside the news studio. This is when I have to pause and reflect. I am a thirty something year old man making fun of a show with what appears to be a four year old demographic. Fuck it. My next show will be iCarly. That bitch has it coming.
Krispy’s kind of a dope. He messes up a radio contest he’s helping with, and he has to be held so he doesn’t fall of the stage.
Who are you, Paula?
He doesn’t cry either! What gives with this heartless cast? He shows off his bald spot in front of his house, where his family waits for him. Damn, Arkansas! Horny much?
If it weren’t for towns like this, white people would be extinct by now.
His dad makes a butch joke about not wanting to kiss Krispy, but then he breaks down crying. AWWW!! This stresses Krispy out and he loses more hair right on the spot.
He performs for his college and sounds like crap, and then his wife gets to sit on the back of a car with him for his parade. He gets a ton of people to cheer for him, even some of Hambert’s base.
If there are any minorities anywhere in Milwaukee or Arkansas, we haven’t seen them tonight.
He sings the same song here, and does much better at showing off sideways face. His dad is interviewed and starts crying again.
Man up, Krispy Dad!
Krispy Wife is really sick of being with the rents.
We’re moving out of their house after this, right?
When we get back to the show, Krispy Dad is crying at the clips of him crying. Good Lord.
Tink repeats all of Krispy’s critiques from last night, and Randy seems surprised when he hears that he said the Kanye song was better than the original.
If you say so.
Krispy goes to the couch with Church, and now it’s time for Jordin Spanx!!! WOWEEEE!! I don’t think Jordin ever made it through one song on key in her entire season, so why start now? She cowrote this song with the dude from One Republic, and she looks great until she starts the robot dance. Wow, white girl. Don’t do that. The song asks “Why is love always like a battlefield?”, because apparently Pat Benetar never got an answer. Rip off! This also sounds a lot like “Umbrella”. I have to take a moment away from Jordin’s awkward stage presence, Rhianna imitation, and robot dancing to feel proud. For the first. Time. Ever. She’s wearing Spanx. A tear rolls down my cheeks. It’s not often that as a recapper you get to feel like you’ve actually made a difference.
There. Isn’t that better?
Spanx gives fierce woman faces to the camera, and she’s off with her chorus lip sync track. Come on now. Lip Syncing is one thing, but when you’re the winner of the singing contest you’re performing on? Towards the end it’s all her, and you can tell because she misses her runs. OY. How did this happen? In what’s becoming tradition, the camera man trips over a cord or something, and for a second I fear Spanx’ bad dancing has angered God enough to make the earth quake. Spanx looks better than she ever has. She’s lost five pounds or something, and now she won’t stop gyrating her pelvis at us. I still can’t listen to her without scrunching up my face. We get a shot of the fan signs, and the only one Church has in the crowd is the old chick with the straw hat. hahahah
Hambert is called to the stage, and the audience won’t stop screaming. Tink says that a streaker came on stage during one of his hometown performances. HA of course she did. You will never, ever find that at a Krispy or Church show. He goes on a morning news show and the fag hag starved weather chick makes him show her how to put on makeup.
Pencil on some giant eyebrows, lather on ten pounds of base and borrow a wig from an old show horse like Liza. Done!
I probably shouldn’t admit this out loud, but I have these boots.
The difference between Ham’s crowd and the other two is pretty incredible.
Move it old lady. You’re blocking the Adam Bite My Apple poster.
He makes a stop at the children’s theater he did shows at as a kid and one kid asks him who does his hair. HAHAHAHAH. He doesn’t answer, which is even funnier. Then he goes to a football field, where he is loved by single people and couples alike.
Then some chick flashes him. The show needs to start changing these segments up. They all go home, stop by AT&T and get days named after them. It’s boring. Hey, there’s that Bite My Apple sign! Either the producers made the signs and are just reusing them, or someone’s getting their first stalker.
OMG I just saw boobies.
Then he goes to the Marine Corps and sings the National Anthem. Yizawn. Bring back Spanx! She was at least entertaining. Back to the show. Tink repeats all his critiques. Skara looks like she’s barely keeping her eyes open, and who can blame her?
Finally, the media’s starting to pay attention to the real issues.
Katy Perry’s next, but she’s not ready so Tink makes fun of her costumes and asks Church how nervous he is. Very. Now here she is! She starts in a Ham cape!! LOLOLLL. We are fans of who we identify with, which means we’re in for some very theatrical faux rock.
I don’t know who the hell this girl is, but she looks like Olive Oyl from the Popeye movie.
Her song sounds kinda like everything else that’s played on this show. Like you’ve heard it before but don’t care enough to figure out where. So is this who Megan Doi was trying to imitate? I at least see what she was going for, if not why. Katy sounds like she’s going over a very bumpy road. This song is three chords and doesn’t have any sustained notes, but she’s having trouble getting it out. Her staging and costumes are almost enough to make you not notice her crappy vocals, but not quite.
Nope. Still suck. Maybe ride an elephant?
Out of all the guests on this here singing show this season, how many were actual SINGERS? Stevie Wonder. He’s all I can think of. If you can name five, you will win a Diet Coke.
Simon got Paula’s makeup on his t-shirt! This plus the shoe story? How are news organizations going broke?
This blows. I can’t wait til I save up enough to go to the movies.
Finally for some results. The first one in the top 2 is….KRISPY!! YOWZA!! Good for him! Simon has a rude stunned smile on his face. OMG is it finally coming true?!? Is Church Lady OUT? No way. I won’t believe it til it happens.
Kris is happy, but probably disgusted too, cuz his parents are now making out.
Tink points out that Church has never been in the bottom three. Well he’s never been kicked off, either, but there’s a first time for everything! AND HE’S OUT!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Simon and Paula are happy, but the other half of the table is mortified. Especially Skara, cuz you know she wrote the finale song to work with his sappy ass growlshout. YAAAYYYYY!!!!
It seems as though Ham has replaced his twink with a new boyfriend. That guy isn’t wasting any time getting fame ass.
Meanwhile, Skara still can’t pull it together.
Dang, Skar, at least fake it!
Guess how his Later Loser montage begins?
Who’s that? He’s married?
He tries to keep a tight smile on his face, but he’s having trouble with it. During the montage, his voice over tells us that he’s a fairy tale story, cuz fairy tales are about people winning stuff even after going through hard times. But you lost. Shoulda waited before you recorded that fairy tale bs cuz now you just look dumb. He has tears in his eyes (so NOW you can cry), and his tight little arrogant Church Lady face is gone. BWAHAHAHA lata sucka! As he drones out his lame ass rendition of every mom’s favorite song, I can say one thing for him. At least he’s hot.
So what do you guys think? Are you as ecstatic as I am? I can’t wait to see Skara’s rewrite for Hambert. See you next week, when it all ends! Just think, one of the final two is going to be as successful as Jordin Spanx!! Crickets.