American Idol Boston: That Sucked. Unless You Have Cancer, In Which Case You’re a STAR!

Tonight, on the season premier of American Idol, all sorts of diseases get golden tickets and Mo’Nique finds out she was nominated for an Oscar.

Ryan Tinkerbell Seacrest, the cutest little hostess in the world, reminds us of last year’s epic battle. Cracker VS Drag Queen! Straight VS Gay! Skara DiLaGuardia VS A Whore in a Bikini! Paula VS Sobriety! Randy VS Really Loud Shirt Patterns and a Gut That Hides His WeeWee! But wait…behind all that onstage drama lurked…OFFSTAGE DRAMA!!

Translation: Paula Wants a Prescription of Oxy and a Company Car and She’ll Stay

And then The Other Simon, Producer Simon, was like…

NY POST: BITCH YOU CRAZY I AIN’T GIVIN YOU D**K!!

And then Paula was all…

I was just kidding! I’ll stay!! I’m happy with the ten scrips you’ve already gotten me! I don’t need another car! I love OTHER SIMON! WHY ISN’T ANYONE RETURNING MY CAAAALLLLLS?!?!

The world was shocked. Shocked I tell you! Not only that Paula wouldn’t return to Idol, but also that there were still no plans to pick up Hey, Paula!, her trainwreck of a reality show that I can’t get out of my head no matter how hard I try. The search for a new judge was high and low. Everyone was vetted. Hillary Clinton even tried, but blamed ACORN for cheating her out of the seat during the AI caucus and then cried by a tree on CNN. Finally, the perfect judge was found….Dennis the Menace! !

Mister Wiiiiiilson!

Ellen’s hilarious and all, but will she be drunk? Will she give Simon handjobs under the table? Will she say things like “that was like star…you’re a sta….shine stars shiny shine shine unicorn umbrella!” ?? No. No she will not. But we’ve got until the end of February to worry about that nonsense, and a whole year to worry about what this shit’s gonna be like without the King of Mean Moobs himself, Simon Cowell. Til’ then, we’ve got AUDITIONS to deal with. Otherwise known as “stomping dreams of delusional untalented fat/pockmarked/mentally unstable/loser kids and making them cry”. YAAAY!

Montage of giant stadiums across America and busloads of said fat/pockmarked/mentally unstable/loser kids jiggling sixteen years of Big Macs out bus windows, still with a dream in their hearts.

They’re called SLEEVES.

Tink tries to get us to wrap our brains around just how HUGE American Idol is. Can’t…hurts…head…it’s just too HUUUUGE! As Tink tells us this year’s competitors are gonna blow us away, the camera pauses on this girl.

So wrong, perverted and gross. That’s why they’re number one, baby!

It’s not only about delusional sweaty crazies…

Delusional Sweaty Crazy: Sahmun Cowl, Ah aaahhm goin’ ta Hollehwood!

Simon: Uh…no you’re not.

…It’s also about real, heartbreaking stories. Take this one, about a hot skinny blonde who really feels things:

I feel trapped by gorgeousness.

…Or this touching story, about a young dad who needs to win AI so he can escape staying at home with pay for his autistic children.

Daddy? Are you in there?

Good Lord. Obama Care might not come through so the next logical step is banking on an American Idol win. During all this touching-ness, we get a shot of a girl using a bunson burner or some shit. I don’t know what it means, but it’s still hilarious.

Wah fire’s so dangerous! I need to be famous or I’ll die burning things! WAAAHHHHH

It’s about normal people. Waitresses! Bartenders! Gardeners! Police officers! …TATIANA?!?!

What? No! That’s not my name at all! It’s…something different. Now I would like to sing “Saving All My Love For You”. PS I love God and America and Americans and Love LOOOOVE!

Who’s the next American Idol? Who knows? Who was the last American Idol? Who knows? All I know is that Adam Hambert has already been in trouble for being too gay. LOL. Today’s auditions are in Boston. The town so nice they….have giant trashbags with face holes cut out stuffed in their back pockets at all times just in case it’s just another crappy day.

It’s only six am or something, and already there’s a homely girl gyrating her ass around while a scrawny white boy strips.

It’s a time for families come together and realize that black, white, bald, weaved, fat, thin, tiara’d or not, most of us are just plain LOSERS. Let’s hug!

There was a time that gay people were actually fighting for other gay people to be out of the closet. It was called “strength in numbers” or something. So…how’s that workin’ out for us? GO BACK IN! WAAAAY IN!

A giant limo comes up with Skara in it. Simon flies down in a helicopter, and Randy gets off a bus. The guest judge today is one of the richest, most untalented pop sensations of our time. No, not Madonna. Posh Spice Beckham!

Well, that’s one way to cover up a receding hairline.

Montage of Posh’s untalentedness. Tink tells us that Posh is an entrepreneur, best selling author, designer, and fashion icon. Sweetest way ever of saying “skanky bimbo who married super rich” I’ve heard to date. So, Posh, how do you feel about being on American Idol? She’s totes been that person standing there singing her heart out and trying to be famous so she gets it. Mmmhmmm. I have a feeling Posh did more than “sing her heart out” to become famous, but I’m not someone to accuse others of blow jobbing themselves up the food chain when I have no evidence. coughslutcough

We open the audition process with a Peppermint Patty type jumping up and down to prep herself for her big chance. I hope if nothing else, the girl wins a sports bra before she breaks her nose.

She tells us that she’s only been singing…well singing well, for two years. She got the American Idol karaoke game and the judges always told her at first she wouldn’t go to Hollywood. But after a couple years of practice, now she gets a golden ticket every time. Thank God for DVRs, cuz I had to pause to LOL at that shit. She’s serious as a kidney stone as she says it. I don’t blame her. That game’s totally realistic. Simon has normal hair, a muscled v shaped torso, and a flat chest.

Just like real life! But, like, twenty years ago with a personal trainer.

This girl’s story really makes me wanna buy the game, though. It’s the most flattering thing I’ve ever seen.

OMG you’re like twins! And when I say Twins, I mean the Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito movie.

You know, sometimes as I write these recaps I think “damn boy is being mean really that fun or do you just need a hug or what?” I don’t have a concrete answer to that. What I do know, however, is that as mean as I can get, the editors on this show are one hundred times worse.

Not. OK.

She tells us that today she’s doing exactly what she does before a job interview. She puts on a tube top that features her butt tummy and then jumps up and down in the bathroom, telling herself she’s awesome. Something tells me she hasn’t had a job in a very, very long time.

She’s still bouncing up and down when she gets into the judges’ room, and they’re still not hideously bitter so they woo her and clap and stuff. Posh looks disgusted. And very shiny.

The singing? Well, it’s pretty much what you’d think. Have you seen the video of the drugged out kid just getting out of the dentist’s office on YouTube that’s been playing forever? Like that. Only harder to watch.

Simon asks if the window opens. LOLOLLLL. Mortified, he asks if that’s what she did on the video game, and she, confused that no one’s standing, says yes and Paula always loved her. She says this while pointing at Skara. Bwahahahah. No’s across the board. She comes out of the room really upset and cursing, but she says Paula was nice and then hugs Tink way too hard. You know Paula’s at home right now nodding her head at her TV and saying “It’s ok! Don’t listen to them! You have something! Fairy truck overpass stars!”

Next up is a sweet hearted teen named Maddie. You know she’s sweet cuz nice rocking back and forth on the porch swing music plays over her story. She is one out of twelve kids (13? 14? 15? 50? I refuse to rewind). One of her brothers has Downs, which of course must be exploited for the entire three minutes of this video package, cuz what’s the use of having a disabled brother if he can’t help you get a ticket to Hollywood? Well, yes, there are other uses. Mopping, cleaning toilets, making him eat things before you do to make sure they’re not poisonous, but those uses aren’t what we’re here for. It does, however, make me long for a Downsbrother. My floors are a mess.

Maddie’s mom tells us about her son with Downs, saying “some people think that might be an awkward situation to be in, but not Maddie!” She doesn’t specify whether she means being one of thirty kids, having a brother with Downs, or if she means actually having Downs might be awkward, but whatever she means that’s a weird way to put it. Mom continues on about how she wanted company for Downson, so she adopted another kid with Downs. And then another!! She sounds like a cat lady. “I can’t just have one cat! Pookie’s so looooonely (and he keeps tearing my furniture and peeing on stuff out of anger and I’m gonna have that little fucker put down soon unless he gets off my ass)!!

Why doesn’t the babysitter ever answer her darn cell phone?

The kids around Maddie’s age were all the Downs kids, and she cries about how kids with Downs see the world in colors and we should learn from them. Poor thing. All these disabled kids to take care of and no one’s even taken the time to notice that she’s color blind.

She’s already crying by the time she gets to the judges, and Simon’s super nice to her because he’s been filled in on her exploitation of her brother her heartbreaking story. She can sing her ass off. She sings “Hallelujah”, and she knocks it out of the park. The crying def helps. Skara smiles condescendingly, like she’s about to click a facebook link to donate ten dollars to those people in Haiti.

I’m a good person. I have the PayPal receipt to prove it.

The judges all love her and compliment her without coughing “DOWNS SYNDROME” even once, which makes me feel proud of them. She’s through to Hollywood. There’s a spot in the family now, so if you or anyone you know needs to offload a kid with Downs, call Maddie’s folks asap.

When Maddie leaves, Skara turns to Posh and says “I like you.” Posh just smiles that robotic smile and ignores her upper lip sweat. Is a fan too much to ask for, Other Simon?

Maddie goes back into the waiting room, tears gone, jumping and screaming and screaming and screaming. Everyone’s totally happy for her.

Bitch.

Next up is a little dork who screams “holla” a lot. No one holla’s back. JMo emailed me about never being able to use the word “holla” again and I didn’t know what he was talking about so I told him I refused to give it up. I now understand and banish it from my vocabulary forever. Missy Elliot must be steaming right now.

The kid is annoying, jerky, twitchy, horrible…why continue? I almost ff but then he starts JTimberlake dancing, and my finger refuses to hit the button. Before Simon says anything, the kid tells Simon that he’s sassier in real life than on TV. Nos across the boards. Randy tells him to never sing again. LOL. Skara hugs him and gets her grease all over his little face.

Tink tells us that the only people the judges liked that morning were girls. Montage of strong but unmemorable girls singing and getting passed through. I am glad that was only thirty seconds long so we can get back to what’s important. Crazy people.

OK. Let’s pretend that we’re FBI profilers. Tell me all you can about this guy:

If you said:

*guido

*stereotype

*possible voiceover artist for Super Mario games

*exclaims “bing bam boom!” really loudly more than once

*might as well be throwing up pizza dough in the air

*smells like three days ago

*tacky Epcot Center Italy music plays during his entire segment

*embarrassing to Italians, Americans, Mexicans, Asians, Muppets, and humanity in general

* takes it as a compliment when his friends call him Big Pussy

Then you guessed right! Well, except for the “smells like three days ago” part. I can’t verify that. His montage is all about bein’ Italian and eating too much with your family. Olive Garden commercials are less stereotypical than this crap.

He sings Muddy Waters, and unfortunately he’s kinda good. He growls, shouts, woos, and belts his face off. He’s gonna be good for like one song and then disco night’s gonna make him cry in public. Skara mentions that she’s Italian too. Shut up, Skar no one cares. He’s through. When he goes out to the lobby there are four big bears waiting for him and they jump all over each other and squeeze and yell.

During Hollywood week, I will be curled up in the fetal position in my apartment. I ain’t goin out on the streets. I can deal with crack heads, muggers, whores and carjackers, but this dude scares me.

All this positivity and success is getting boring. Thankfully, there’s someone who describes himself as “spiritual” up next. I don’t know if it’s living in Los Angeles or what, but usually when someone describes themselves as spiritual, they’re an asshole. Not in the mean way. In the “you have a right to exist but I don’t need to see you in public” way.

There was a time when this guy was very sad and didn’t know what he wanted to do with life, but when when he ran out of weed and his mom kicked him out of the basement, he started gradu…gradi…gradgitating toward music. Lion King-y tribal music plays as we get different shots of him being all spiritual-ly. That means he sits still while wind blows.

And….lightning.

He takes a break from making out with a flower to tell us that if he makes it “I’ll touch numerous amounts of people.” Just stop touching your face and drink more water, k? The judges want to talk to him before he sings, cuz cats play with mice before they bite their heads off. SpiritPock says that he thinks he sounds like Chris Brown. Randy laughs his ass off. Poor guy gives it his all. It’s nasally and frightening. The judges are laughing, but SpiritPock just keeps on. They don’t stop laughing, and Simon says he’s got multiple personalities and they all suck. SpiritPock goes outside and beats the shit out of that flower.

Montage of people losing and crying. Lots of moms say “you’re MY idol!” Moms need to stop that shit. That’s why there are so many delusional kids. If your kid sucks you don’t have to tell them they suck or anything, just sign them up for Dodgeball or some shit and make sure they have food on their plates. Sad losers shoot up people in the post office, happy losers keep The Golden Corral open. See what I’m saying?

It’s been raining all day, as it often does in Boston. The best way to find the biggest idiot is to look around and find the person without an umbrella, which Tink does.

Score!

As Mary does some really sorry karate in the hallway, she tells us that she’s an El Taco, which is slang for Anime freak. I think that’s what she said, but it can’t be. Cuz El Taco is already slang. For the taco.

Yikes. Put your taco away.

Mary’s got a lot of “enthusiasm into the Japanese animation”, which has led her to speak English improperly and also sew kimonos at home. Her dream is to be a famous singer in Japan. She’s been to hundreds of auditions. Just ask her mom!

Don’t judge me. Abortions weren’t just handed out like aspirin in my day.

She sings Janis Joplin, who was also misunderstood in her day. Mary screams and growls and stuff, and it’s pure pain. Mary says “you can’t say that to me! Everyone tells me I’m good! Voice coaches! Theater directors!” Um, choke on your own vomit. Then you’ll have two things in common with Janis, k? Talent ain’t one of them. Randy suggests she sticks to animation, but Simon says that she’s not an animator, she just likes cartoons. LOL. I feel bad laughing cuz she’s really really hurt. Simon says says it’s the best thing she’s ever heard cuz now she won’t have to waste her life thinking she’s special. That can be a total burden.

Skinny cute white boy is next, and he sounds like a Disney rocker. Which is good, on this show at least. He’s in. He’s followed by a guy singing oldies, and he’s got a gorge tenor. He’s in, too. I love how they’re not wasting any time on the talented people this year. Unless they have disabled siblings. It’s way more entertaining.

And now for the angry guy. He’s asked if he’d be good on American Idol and he whines “yeah, if I’m not being interviewed all the time!” All he forgets to add is the Napoleon Dynamite

Goooosh!

Montage of him complaining about waiting since eight am. Tink asks if he’s single and he angrily says yes. I’ll wait for you guys to recover from the shock. Tink surprises him by telling him it’s his turn. When he gets in to see the judges, Simon asks him why he’s here. “Cuz I’m auditioning for American Idol. I think it should be fairly obvious. Gosh.” Simon tells him to stop being a smart ass or go home. He’ll be singing “House of the Rising Sun.” “Do you know that song?” LOL. He’s a dick. He sings exactly like Michael Buble. Which I don’t mean as a compliment.

When he’s done, Skara asks him why he’s so angry and he says he’s annoyed cuz he’s been waiting. Skara tells him to get over it and she’s pissed. She gets all worked up and says she doesn’t liiiiiike him at all. First Skara whine of the season! By week four she’s gonna sound like a baby being born. Simon says he has bad energy. The guy was just trying to seem confident, and Posh says that he’s an ass and doesn’t have the goods to back it up. Skara repeats how much she doesn’t liiiiiike him over and over, says he needs a spanking, and asks “do you have a girlfriend?” HAHAHAH.

Coming up, a cute guy who had cancer and a girl whose grandma has Alzheimers. So they’re in. I haven’t seen a peg leg yet, but I have my fingers crossed.

Now a vid package about kids trained at the Conservatory. Tink tells us a bunch of talent came from there this year, but I hope he’s being sarcastic cuz the first guy we’re shown squeals like a pig being raped by Ned Beatty, bares his gums and has a brownish/green tongue. EW.

Breaking News: Conservatory Enrollment down 80%.

OK he was being sarcastic. It’s a parade of suck. But wait! A cute girl! Singing comes from a special place! And she can sing her ass off. In. Simon says she’s got “it”. This was like four minutes of positive programming. This next guy has me hoping for some wreckage, though.

You have a very long career ahead of you…in claymation.

This freak fell out of a tree and broke both wrists. LOL, tree. He’s a drummer but wants to be a front man, hence the attempted tree suicide. You gotta hand it to him, he knows pain sells. He keeps his wrists in view at all times.

It’s not grandma cancer or AIDS, but it’s a start.

He’s actually really good. He sings “Let’s Get it On” and Posh stains her seat. Yeses all around. Tink says he’s earned a one way ticket to Hwood. Is that true? How do the poor things get home? This show is so cheap.

Time for day two! Tink gives us a history of Boston. Cheers. The end. The first singer of the day is a waitress with a thick accent and really hungry armpits.

Singing is a totally spiritual experience. You know cuz she does Mariah hands even when she’s practicing. He dream is to be waited on. She tells the judges she’s better than most of their contestants so she should be on the show. Then she squeeeeeals really painfully. It sounds like a farmer dropping pigs directly into the sausage machine. Randy says she’s real perty but terrible. Then he laughs. Skara thinks she blows, and Simon thought she would be good but it was the craziest version of Mariah he’s ever heard. You can still be waited on, hon. Tell someone you’ll meet them somewhere at six and don’t show up til seven. The camera follows her nice butt all the way out.

Montage of caca.

Mah fren a tayl me I good sing sing chop suey cashew cheeken.

I love America and you and puppets and liking and loving yay love America jesus!

Beaker Carla from Top Chef! What are you doing here? And what happened to your lip! You look like you tried to eat a worm in the water and got dragged to shore.

No words.

Another girl has a really thick accent that makes Simon mad. In BOSTON. That’s like going to Home Depot with your car windows down and then getting mad that you’ve got four illegals squeezing into your back seat. Next up is an actor on a boat. ??

I feel like I shouldn’t like you, but I really approve of how you’ve waxed your brows. Not too little, not too much.

I figured this would be a mystery dinner boat or something, but basically they just drive real fast and make turns. LOL Boston entertainment. Mike has a pretty voice. He changes key a couple of times and doesn’t seem to realize he did it, but who can blame him for getting confused? Posh is burning holes in him and Skara’s nodding to the beat of a different song altogether.

She looks like a toddler wearing a giant Posh Pumpkin head.

The women swoon over him and call him a great guy. Simon rolls his eyes when Skara calls him touching and he’s annoyed by all the touchy feeliness. So much so that he leaves. LOL. Randy says no. OUCH. Sad music plays, and Randy says his voice isn’t that good, then he leaves too. Outside the room, his mom earnest-face-dly talks about what a good guy he is, and he’s in!! I guess Simon came back and saved him. I feel so tricked and used. But mostly just tired. This is longer than Madame Butterfly.

Next up is the 16 year old with an Alzheimer’s suffering grandma. Sweet tinkly piano music plays as the girl takes care of her. Gran is Portuguese and doesn’t speak English, so we’re gonna have to take the subtitle writer’s word for it, here.

You little snatch. You only come here when you need sympathy for reality shows!! I’m leaving you NOTHING! NOTHING!!

OK this is stretching it. I’m all for a touching story, but whose grandma doesn’t have Alzheimer’s? My Meemaw’s been calling me Lerlene since the 90′s and I don’t get a fucking reality show! She sings “At Last” with that country throat squeeze sing through the nose thing. In a good way…I guess. I really like Carrie Underwood, for example, but every time I hear her sing I wanna hand her a Kleenex and just tell her to hawk whatever loogie is strangling her out of her system. She’s in! Who’s gonna take care of grandma? Who cares? She’s not gonna remember anyway. Congrats, Katie!! She calls her grandma, who immediately starts screaming in Portuguese about being on the no call list or some shit.

So Katie’s super young and filled with promise, but Joshua’s old and ready to retire. At least in American Idol years. 28. He looks pre pubescent to me.

I predict Posh will put him through. Birds that forehead together…

He nails it. He’s like Kris Kracker from last year, but better and he doesn’t do that sideways mouth gape thing. Simon thinks his voice would be good if he was 14, but he’s too old to have no originality or presence. Ouch. Old people have feelings too, Simon! Josh admits that he’s been told that he’s too nice. Randy makes him yell at Simon to shut up. He shouts Simon! Sh….Shut up! PLEASE! LOL. They fuck with him awhile and put him through. He did it as an old man and without a family member dying of something. Well done!

Paula! What part of “STOP CALLING” don’t you get? Go home! And shave!

Montage of people shitting bricks in front of the judges.

Literally.

More montage of really, really bad people. A cowboy with an actual red neck. An Aisan kid who whispers out “All By Myself, Don’t Wanna Be All By Myself”. Sorry. But you will be. Forever. The cowboy says that it’s ok he got blown off. He’ll just go back to riding a dump truck.

Now for a guy who had cancer. SEVEN YEARS AGO!!! HOW DOES THAT SHIT EVEN COUNT?!!? No fair!! He’s hot AND he’s had cancer!

Lucky!!

UGH. I know this show always has a few sob stories to fill time, but this is getting ridiculous. Cancer talks about how “humbling” cancer is, like cancer is a pep talk from a guidance councilor. I think he had cancer of the vocal chords, cuz he sounds idiotic. He reaches up for a few high notes, cracks on every one, and otherwise sticks to Buble trash. If you long to copy a singer as shitty and Buble and can’t even come close to his mediocrity, you’re…you’re….this guy I guess. If he was ugly, the judges would all be laughing their asses off right now. Actually, he does hit his last high note, but bones the ending. Glick. He gets a universal yes. Grodie.

Why is Geraldo on a Windows commercial? Did that laptop rape a tranny or some shit?

Now for a video package about how Posh can’t move her face any more.

Fear.





Delight.

Horniness.





Haircut shaped like a butt.

Posh has been trying to be the new Paula by being too nice to people. She tells this guy he has an interesting face.

Why does that mannequin have hoses popping out of her neck?

Next up is the guy Simon has been calling LaToya in the commercials. HAHAHAH. He’s right on.

Where’s the crafts services table at?

LaToya is pretty bad, which sucks cuz I was gonna make a point about the judges being mean to him just cuz he’s freakishly ugly. I’m gonna have to hang off on that. He stops in the middle and says he’s nervous. Randy tells him it’s ok and he jumps up and down excitedly. He keeps forgetting the words, and Posh says that used to happen to her all the time. Yeah, but you had someone else’s voice piping over the speaker system so you just had to mouth “watermelon” over and over. Randy laughs his ass off while Simon tells the freak he sounds three years old and looks like LaToya. As he leaves, Posh argues that he looks more like Janet, and Simon agrees. Janet with a beard. Bwahahahahahah. Janet Jackson just arrived at Paula’s house to plot a suicide bombing at the Kodak.

Next up is a nice African kid. There is no tragedy in his family, unless you count his mother’s addiction.

To giant colorful chef hats.

Tink says if Bosa makes it to the performance rounds, no one behind his mom’s gonna be able to see. HAHAH. Bosa has a deep, rich, solid voice, but he’s super boring and bland. Simon says he’s boring. Posh disagrees, and Simon gives her a look. She gets offended and asks why he’s always rolling his eyes at her. He’s too gentlemanly to say it’s because she’s a no knowledge twit. Randy gives him a yes, but tells him he has a lot of work to do. Poor kid’s gonna go home, try to figure out how not to be boring, and show up in a trucker hat or fedora and giant sunglasses like every other dbag in this town. Mark my words.

Four hours of 24. Every recapper was like OH HELL NO. Sorry, gasmii.

The last contestant of the day is Leah. She has protective parents and went to church a lot. Dirty music wasn’t allowed, but she learned to add some hips into Jesus Loves Me and is sure she’ll be a star. She starts crying immediately, like she just won a freaking Oscar. She has an ok voice, and it doesn’t help that she’s singing Blue Skies, which is now a Claritin commercial. She warms up and starts wailing. Dang sister. Nice work. I was hoping to rag on someone, but she’s making it hard. I can’t even bring myself to point out that her teeth are two colors. Skara likes that she’s on the brink of a nervous breakdown so she’s through with yeses all around.

It’s a bit too early to tell whether or not this is gonna be a kick ass season. I didn’t fall in love with anyone, but I appreciate Alzheimer’s, cancer, and Downs Syndrome way more now.

Thanks for being with us. I will be taking a couple more of these audition episodes over the next couple of weeks, and then will be back full time starting with the Top 24 performance rounds. Meanwhile, the TVgasm team will tackle the audition rounds, starting with PottyMouth up next!! xo