American Idol: ….But Fat Guys Can. Yay Double Standards!

The producers are dead set on a girl winning this season of American Idol, so each one of them has to be physically fit and at least semi cute. The guys are set up to lose, so they can be as fug as they need to be. Thankfully for us, this means we’ll at least get to hear some decent singing this year. At this point I don’t care if you look like a monkey. Just don’t suck.

You’re gonna be fantastic. On the radio.

After last night’s mediocre at best showing, I was a little disconcerted at how American Idol started tonight.

We’re all gonna die!!

There was no emergency message or anything, just that screen for a couple of minutes. It gave me time to ponder how that emergency screen was totally made by some gay guy with lots of pride who’s pulled one over on innocent straight families huddled around their TVs for decades. Well done, covert gay guy at some TV station in the fifties!!

Ah, we’re back. I missed Tink’s opening, but I’m sure it was a brilliant play on words. Something about this being the most important night OF OUR LIVES. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Ellen! Now listen here, Sister Mister, just because you’re sitting next to Randy Jackson now doesn’t mean you don’t have to wear suits and stuff. She looks like a production assistant.

We know Randy’s already hellabored with this season cuz the show just started and he’s already falling asleep and giving us two peace out symbols.

Horizontal stripes make diamonds look fat too. Fail.

Is it Adam Hambert day or what? Skara looks like a leather daddy ninja turtle, or as my friend Loula said, a leather swing.

One can of Crisco away from a super awkward scene in Cruisin’.

I’m not buying Skara as a sex dominatrix. She’d just whine the whole time. “Stttooooop! Spread your leeeegs! I’m gonna spank yooooooou if you don’t liiiiisten to meeeee!” Now a gimp? That I’d buy. Put a racquet ball in her mouth and a pillowcase over her head stat. Tink intros Simon as “Simon missing a button Cowell”. Simon looks totally amused and glad to be here, and his skin looks like one of those pre roasted chickens they sell in the grocery store with bbq sauce slathered all over it like eight hours ago when it was cooked.

Tink asks Randy to rank the guys, and Randy answers by telling the guys to believe in themselves. K that wasn’t an answer, and please stop telling everyone to believe in themselves. It might catch on. If everyone went around believing in themselves there wouldn’t be people to clean our toilets or pick up our trash. Positive thinking is gonna be the death of us as a people. Besides, some of these dudes look like they already believe in themselves waaaay too much.

Are we boring you? You’re on TV. Perk up.

LOL at that kid in the middle of that pic. He’s gone from fauxhawk to full on member of the Conhead clan. Tink says Skara should know what being nervous and insecure and desperate is like cuz she came on this stage wearing a bikini to compete with some ho last season, so how bout you tell the contestants how to get over it? She says something about finding a safe place within themselves and letting go. Shut up and put it to some really chintzy music, you flake.

Simon mutters “like Little House on the Prairie.” HUH? There was no safe inside place on Little House on the Prairie. Those people had to poop in tiny holes they dug in the back yard. This is nothing safe about that. “Think like Laura Ingalls.” I think Laura Ingalls spends all her time running from really mean pretty men in Lifetime movies these days, so the kids would be wise to ignore that advice. Tink works too much to go to the dentist, so he asks Ellen to check out his mouth health.

She must have been disturbed by that, cuz then this happened.

WHAT. THE. FRICK?!?!?

When we come back, Ellen is saying that she watched lat night’s show when she got home and was shocked at the suckage. “No matter how bad you sound here, you sound worse at home.” LOL. Judging from the comments yesterday, I get the impression that none of you are too impressed with Ell, but that shit was funny. The one I currently want to kill is Skara. She’s so fucking needy.

They need to change her seat again. The parking lot might be a good place for it.

Seriously, if you’re trying to emulate Paula Abdul you need to aim a little higher. Does she need to be in every single shot?

Answer

Simon says he watched rehearsals and the guys were super nervous. I wonder who he’s talking about.

Stream of pee down the leg.

To make them feel better, Simon gives the guys a mental hug: “If you get nervous and forget the words tonight, your career’s over.” HA. So who do the producers hate the most out of all the guys this year? Well, Todrick Hall has the first spot, so I’m guessing him. There’s been lots of gossip about this tool, mostly that he “produces” “dance shows” and takes “deposits” from “parents” and cancels the “shows” and skips town with the money. Some call that devious. I call it not waiting tables. Hero!

Please stop sending me all those letters from Nigeria.

Fraudrick was the guy who made up his own audition song in the shower about hopping a train to play the game and have no shame about being lame I like the musical Mame do my show and your bank account will never be the same. He says that little kids have been coming up to him signing his ridonk song to him and he’s already got tons of tiny fans. Little kids eat boogars, k? I don’t think they should be the utmost authorities.

You know who we can blame for this skank being in the public eye? KIDS. Screw em!

He’s singing “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson, which is like organizing a giant gay pride parade right in front of our very eyes. If the NAMBLA float comes on I’m turning this crap off. He’s doing an R&B version that starts with some cheezy ass talking. He can riff all over the place and the problem here isn’t gonna be his voice. It’s gonna be his personality. Wait. Right when I typed that he boned his chorus pretty hard. It’s definitely different than the first version, kind of the way vomit is different from food you ate a couple hours ago. Boooooo! That blew. He’s in biker gloves and a plastic jacket and he just needs to stop it.

All this did was remind me of how much I love Kelly. Get back to writing. Rub a Dub Dub has needed a solid ending for years.

Ellen tells Fraudrick that she loved it but the chorus was rough and his singing wasn’t the greatest but he’s a good performer. Randy is a fan and Fraud’s amazing and blahblah mad love dog, but he obliterated the song and it was too much so just concentrate on singing not poorly. Skara didn’t like his arrangement either and you can only learn by taking risks. Simon says he came across as a dancer that can sing and he murdered the original song. The audience boos and Simon sneers “boo all you want no one will buy it.” Skara asks if Fraud can sing and Simon says “a bit.” HAHAH. Fraudrick is big about the criticism and then passes around a hat in the first couple of rows and asks kids to put their moms’ purses in it.

Diet Coke is now heart healthy? Then all those bones it’s chipping away at aren’t such a big deal. Phew.

Next up is Aaron Kelly. Otherwise known as Chicken Little 2. They show him forgetting his words during his Hollywood solo and then getting them back, very shakily. And he’s in!! The don’t forget your words rule is total bs, but the kid waxes his eyebrows into the shape of tiny feet and wears jeans up to his rib cage so I’m all for him.

The little girls in the audience are already screaming for him, and so is this old perv.

He’s singing “Here Comes Goodbye” by the Rascal Flatts. Little Chicken can sing his face off, but he’s not big on the whole stage presence thing. He looks like he’s afraid his dad’s gonna find the International Male catalogue in his backpack the whole time he performs. The vox are strong the whole way through, and even though it was really boring, the kid’s got talent. Simon says it was good but the kid looks embarrassed to be on stage and needs confidence. Then he says he’s likable and cute and should stick around for next week. Skara says he’s her fave kind of sucker cuz his soul will be way easier to steal than hardened criminals like Fraudrick. Randy calls him out on the couple of pitchy moments in the chorus but thinks for 16 he’s great. Ellen is all compliments, of course. Ellen needs to start drinking or just go home.

Tink says that Little Chicken does have confidence cuz he was winking at chicks during the song. LOL. I thought that was a twitch. One thing Little Chicken is amazing at? Making Tink look butch.

Giiiirl

The beginning part of the next segment is cut in awkwardly. What the hell is going on in that production booth tonight? Tink is in the girls seating area, and Gayken looks like she hasn’t slept since being ripped a new one last night.

Poor thing hasn’t been that embarrassed since the pictures of him jerking off on the internet surfaced.

Jermaine Sellars, the church singer, is next. He starts stuttering about how he messed up in Hollywood even though he practiced “to the t”…Then the news cuts him off.

Why is everyone suddenly obsessed with mouth health! Get the f off my TV!!

Is this happening to everyone else too? It’s getting on my nerves. And we’re back. Clip of Jermaine blaming the band for his mistake in Hollywood after he forgot the words. Another one who can’t remember words yet is still here. Simon is basically just walking around the Titanic with a big shovel to punch holes in it with. Jermaine isn’t just here for himself, he’s here to show us that you don’t have to just dream it, you can just be it. I believe I can fly!! When he learns how to speak proper English he’s gonna be super inspirational. He’s singing “Get Here”, which Tink WRONGLY says is by Oleta Adams. Three queens in a row! I love it! By railway, Jermaine is already off key.

He calms down a bit and just riffs every single note. Riffing is awesome, but if you can’t sustain a note it’s not really singing, right? By the end, he’s falsetto belting, which turns into super off key yelling. It sounds like a bus screeching to a stop. The last note is soft and…off. Ouch. That’s another one that you can tell can sing, just not consistently enough to make a whole song. Get Here is really a beautiful song, but you wouldn’t know it from listening to that mess. Ellen loves that he wears suits just like hers and she’s a big fan. Uhoh. She continues that he was pushing too hard and was off a couple times. Man, coming from Ellen that’s a burn. Randy just gives a YO. Pause. He should try to be Neo instead of a shitty singer. Skara knows he was trying to show the world what he could do, but it was all meaningless runs and too old. Simon says in a piano bar someone in their fifties will ask to hear that song and he’s totally blown it with that one. I’d like him to be wrong, just because Jermaine has the guts (or lack of self awareness) to wear tails.

Some poor My Fair Lady chorus boy is running around backstage looking for his costume.

Jermaine tells Tink that Hollywood Week should be called hell week. Simon says “for us as well.” LOL. Tink asks Jermaine if he and Michael made up and Jermaine whips his head back and sasses “who’s Michael??” HAHAHAH. And…final nail in his coffin. Tink was talking about the music director, but Jermaine thought he meant Michael Jackson was mad at him from the grave. Which he probably is, just for being 27 in general.

Can’t wait for Jay’s first show back just to find out how badly this commercial offended Sarah Palin.

Tim Urban is used to pimp a Coca Cola cup. And bowl mullets.

Yoko’s not the only one who won’t let the Beatles RIP.

Tim got a call about being on the show cuz he’s a fill in for the dude that got kicked off. Ken Warwick called him, and we actually get to see Ken!! Poor guy is stuck working in a utility closet. One good thing about Simon quitting is that there will now be money for things in the budget like offices. And personal trainers.

Please get me out of here. The mop bucket’s making my eyes puffy.

I hope Tim is more interesting than his intro vid, cuz YAWN. He’s singing “Apologize” by Young Republic. He seems to have a sort of terrified confidence. I don’t know how else to put it so here, see for yourself.

Don’t hit me.

He’s fine until the first fals note, and then it’s all downhill from there. I know like I’m going in circles here, but IF YOU CAN’T HIT THE NOTES DON’T SING THE SONG. I can’t walk around the block without running out of breath. So do I sign up for ice dancing class? No. I sit in a big chair, eat, and smoke lots of cigarettes. And I do it very, very well.

This entire song is painful. He screeches and cracks and it leaks onto the rest of his vocals. He can’t even get the normal notes out any more. The sad thing is that he got sent home, then brought back, and will now most likely be sent home again. Did I say sad? I meant awesome. He’s like a skinny Hurley from Lost. Just walking around in life wondering why things just don’t go his way. It’s cuz you were written that way, dude. Simon congratulates him on coming back and says that they made the right decision the first time by sending him home. Weak vox, weak arrangement, no stage presence, shitty voice. Simon says that if he stays it’s because he’s semi pretty and people feel sorry for him. LOL. When I die I want Simon at my death bed telling what a pile of dung I made of my life. Skara says the song swallowed him. She shows him what she means by swallowing the microphone and then her fist.

She also says that people just stood up for him cuz he’s semi cute, and Simon said they only stood to leave. Randy talks and talks and forms sentences and stuff. I don’t know what’s happening to Randy, but I don’t like it. Paula’s gone and now we’re losing Randy. Who the hell is supposed to give us coded garbled messages every week? He basically sums it up with “ALL WRONG”. Poor kid is gonna cry. He’s so cute when he’s not moving his face or singing.

Aw! Come here! Silently.

Ellen tells him that it was bad but he’s cute and will probably get votes just cuz he’s adorable but shouldn’t count on just being adorable cuz he’s adorable adorable. Ha. Tink tells him to stick up for himself, and he says that maybe people could have fun with it or something. So that didn’t work. That’s why you should have a lawyer. Never defend yourself, people. He does, however, give a decent closing argument.

When we come back, Tink is laughing with Randy, Skara and Simon as Ellen is left out in the cold. That’s not nice! Joe Munoz is next, and his clip is about how badly he fucked up in Hollywood Week. So is there a competent guy on the show yet? Jesus. Just give the Disco Ball Trophy to the Stiffler’s Mom girl and let’s be done with it. Joe is nice and has a hairline that is about to take over his entire face.

I’ll stick with baldness, thanks.

He was the only non fat guy to sing “Man in the Mirror” and did it well, so there’s hope for him yet. He’s singing Jason Mraz tonight. He’s the first guy who can ease into falsetto flawlessly and then turn around and belt with the same confident competence. It gets a little shaky toward the end, but I think shaky is what he’s going for. There were a couple tiny missteps, but damn the boy can sing and he’s got some presence. And lots and lots of hair.

Ellen loved it, Randy hated the song but gives him credit for being able to actually sing. Skara likes the randomness of the song choice and says he can really sing and is the best so far. Simon kind of agrees but doesn’t think he can sell records and is limp and forgettable. Ellen is given a chance to say a lot more nothing, and Joe promises to be more exciting next week. Simon tells him to make it through this week first. LOL. Joe starts going off in Spanish. No I don’t want my windshield cleaned. Go away and take your man scarf with you.

And now Tyler Grady. Tink calls him “our retro rocker”. All I can see is Jay Leno before the HoHos addiction.

His clip is all about how much Posh loved him, and Tyler talks about how his style is a huge topic of discussion. He dresses like any other meth head in the country, so I don’t get it. He’s singing “American Woman” and he’s determined to do it with some serious palsy. He has dead eyes, and stumbles around like he’s drunk cuz that’s totally rock you guys. He’s kind of drunk voguing. It’s bizarre. Shouty shout shout frat karaoke party fauxrock shout. This show has dipped it’s toe in rock before, and the others have been way better. Simon tells him that people will remember that for the wrong reason cuz it’s cliche and unnatural. Skara thinks he’s too obsessed with the seventies while not bringing anything original to it. Then she does an imitation of him flailing around. HAHAH. Randy repeats what she said, and Ellen says that he’s got the poses down but there’s no excitement. Ellen just called you a poseur. Yowee.

So here we are at the halfway point. Name three songs that have been sung. I can’t either. Booooo! Leno tells Tink that he’s worked on his vocals and he hopes “you guys don’t feel like that.” He points at the audience and smiles but they stay silent. LOL audience. He promises to go the mall and get better style. Lee Dewyze is next. He’s a paint sales clerk. Unfortunately, he doesn’t spend his intro clip teaching us how to properly suede paint a living room wall. We might have actually gotten something useful out of this night.

Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars”. He’s got that smokey low growelly voice. You know what I’m talking about, cuz it sounds like a million voices on the radio. But with way more flat notes. This show is turning into kids trying to imitate people they hear on the radio. Or has it always been that and I’m just now noticing? I thought that was gonna be awesome, and it blew chunks. Imitate someone better. We shoulda known we were in trouble when he came out with a soul patch and a goatee. Both of those passed their expiration dates a long time ago.

Ellen liked the song but thinks he was too shouty. Randy moans aw dog. He didn’t like the song and thinks that he needs to be more of a rock singer. Skara didn’t like the song either, and she really needs to talk less. Simon thinks it was the best performance of the night. I didn’t hate the kid, but the nicest thing I can say about him is that he looks like the kid from Married With Children. Is that a compliment? I have no idea. But there were way too many bombed notes for him to get the golden touch. The kid is super sweet and teary eyed though and I kinda want to marry him. Is this rambling confusing you? Me too.

John Park is next, and he tells us the best part of this experience so far was getting verbally molested by Shania Twain. He’s singing “God Bless the Child”, and he’s going with the elevator version. He’s shaky and I think he’s singing in Japanese. What the hell is he singing? Is this English? He starts belting and riffing and he has a machine gun vibrato. Some parts sound nice, and some parts sound like he’s about to blow out his voice. WAAAAYY flat. The arrangement isn’t helping. It’s nice to see an actual Asian man on this show, but surely there’s one in America that can do better than this. Their people INVENTED karaoke for fucksake. His ending was great, but it can’t make up for the minute and a half of suck that preceded it.

I hope you took Shania’s number, cuz you’re gonna need a guest house pretty soon.

Simon says he has to have an incredible voice to sing that song and he hasn’t. The audience misunderstands and woos, but Simon shuts them up and clarifies “no I said hasn’t.” He says it was flat and emotionless and pointless. Skara agrees and then talks a lot about nothing. She asks him what his lane is, which is super racist. Asians take enough crap about their driving. Randy didn’t like it either, and Ellen doesn’t think that young girls will vote for a song about paying your own way in life. She does say his voice is great and then gets lots of applause for it. John says that the song means something to him cuz his parents are broke and don’t give him an allowance. I’m sure that’s what Billie Holliday was thinking, too.

Now for the guy whose wife gave birth during Hollywood Week. So he missed that and now he’s missing babyhood. Only American Idol can try to make you root for absent fathers with a straight face. Michael plays Maroon 5, and knocks it out. He sings the crap out of it, and that kid better get used to video chat, cuz Michael Clark Duncan has plans, k? He sticks with the original arrangement and riffs all over the place with it. He misses some notes, but not many and it’s not too painful. He’s gonna need some better song choices to show some originality, but after this long night of fail it was refreshing.

Ellen loves his personality, and Randy liked it but says he hurt him when he picked Randy up during Hollywood week. I have a feeling that it hurt Michael more. Skara said that they would be more critical of his performance if the other songs didn’t suck so much. Simon says he’s like the opening act and delivered too little on the song but thinks he’s better than that.

You better hide mothafucka.

I was kidding, but then Michael offers to give Simon some of this.

Fake diamonds hurt just as much as real ones when they’re pounded into your face.

Another Lambert is up next, and since we’ve already had one, let’s just call this one Carol Brady.

Surprise! We’re having your birthday party at Sears!

He was stuck in a group with that psycho rock skank in Hollywood week, but he’s still here and she’s back protecting her goblin child from the angry villagers. He’s singing “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. And….terrified. He’s got a strong nasally voice, but by the end it’s kinda grating. It’s also a carbon copy imitation of Morrison. Menthol can help with that. The kid can mostly sing, but he shouldn’t do it when there are cameras around. Simon calls it the most uncomfortable performance of the night and says that if he can’t get his shit together he’s gonna be out. Grow a pair, kid! Skara says she wants to hug him and says he sounds just like James Morrison. Randy and Ellen both love him, and Ellen supports his mullet. LOL. She says she loves bananas but sometimes they’re not ripe enough to eat. HA. Tink asks Carol Brady how many times he’s performed for people and he says hardly at all. He’s a sweet kid and even thanks the band. Tink offers to help him ripen up, which means it’s time for a commercial break so I can go put bleach in my eyes.

Casey’s next, and has wisely left most of his shirt unbuttoned. Don’t remember his voice? Here’s a quick refresh for ya.

Grammy.

His whole video clip is about how Skara wets her seat every time he’s around, and he says that tonight he might be singing to her. EW. Before he’s opened his mouth, this is Skar.

K this guy’s cute, he’s charming/smarmy, and I really want to hate his ass. But then he opens his mouth and sings “Heaven” flawlessly. Skara looks in love the whole time. Even his hair is perfectly air dried, like f you I don’t need no stinkin blow dryer, I’m hot. All he does is smile his bright shiny whites the whole time. I don’t know if he can really feel anything but self love, but I’m down. Skara says that it was hard to listen to him and he got pitchy. I don’t think that’s true but poor thing’s vagina is alive again and I understand the excitement. Then she says she’s married and gives a shout out to her husband. Wow. Really?

Keep it in your pants, Skara! That’s a good man!

Ellen says it doesn’t matter how he sang cuz he’s gonna get plenty of votes. LOL. Randy likes his voice and swagger and he likes him but not in that way. Skara adds that he’s eye candy and ear candy and we shouldn’t judge him just cuz he’s gorge. Simon knows how it’s hard to be so hot and gives Pretty credit for actually being good. He calls Skara a cougar and then says this was the best performance of the competition so far. Tink warns Skara that she’s gonna have to go to a HR meeting. Then girls scream a lot.

Now for Andrew Garcia. He’s the guy who would have been a gang member had his weepy dad not moved the family. Both the man in the Garcia family cry way too much to worry about getting invited into gang territory, but if you’re not buying the whole “coulda been a gangsta” story, here’s the neck tatt to prove it.

The last guy with a neck tatt sang Oleta Adams, so sorry about the backstory deflation.

Andrew says he’s a stay at home dad. Which means he’s not even gonna try to not be unemployed. This is the year of the shitty dad. Then he tells us what a huge risk this is for him. LOL. Yeah it’s pretty rough giving up that hard life of sitting around in your boxers waiting for your wife to bring home some McDonald’s. Bravery!! He’s singing “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down”, which should be the title of the episode. The song? All over the place and bizarre, but this guy should make it to the end. He’s def the best, which is probably why he got the pimp spot. I have a feeling in a few weeks he’ll be making me insane, but for now he’s a talented guy and he won this night hands down. Remember when we liked Gokey? This is MexiGokey. Good at first, but he will give us hate worthy material by the time we get to know him. Fingers crossed.

Simon no likey. He was excited to see Gokey but was totally bored with it. Skara says it was too strange and shouldn’t be played acoustically. She thinks he’ll be around for weeks. Ellen also loved his version of Straight Up, but says the only time he shined tonight was when he sang to his wife so he needs to do more of that. He just sang circles around the pretty guy, but we know how the show works so no surprise there. It is nice to see at least one kind of physically busted (I mean that in the nicest way possible) person who can sing this year. So fat girls may not be able to sing this season, but at least there’re a couple of fat guys who can!

Not sure to sum up my feelings so far, but then the clips of the night come on and they hurt to watch. I hope this season takes Simon’s advice and gets its shit together stat. Thanks for reading! See you for results time this weekend! xo