American Idol: Blossom

Tonight on American Idol, kilts, dead elephants and some residuals for Yoko.

I had my computer on the wrong channel to record American Idol, so this is the first thing I saw:

Finally! They’re bringing back Paula!

I like to get these posted the same night as the show airs, but sometimes I have other stuff to do. Like drink a lot. Not that I’m against writing under the influence, but it takes about ten extra hours when I write like that. Plus, I cry sporadically and crank call my mom’s cell phone and then cry more. Enough about me. It’s noon the next morning and my head hurts. Perfect time to catch up on Idol!

Tinkersmell is in “the central nervous system of the show”.

That body is riddled with tumors. No wonder it’s only nine years old and limping like a shot dog.

We get to see all sorts of backstage amazingness. Take this super awkward shot of the judges waiting to go on. Poor Ellen’s like … um awkward k?

So…you guys like softball?

Skara looks nervous, which is hilarious cuz she seems totally secure and stuff once the show starts. I expected backstage at Idol to look different somehow. I like to think Simon has semi talented children back there that he beats like pinatas until money comes out. You know. For a warmup. The judges are introduced, and again, there’s a huge gap between Skara and Ellen. Guys, I don’t like to take sides. Both of your teams are killing this show. There. Better?

Glad you took time from your busy life as an aerobics instructor to be here, Skar.

Tink may not seem like the brightest twinkle in the sky, but he’s got eighteen jobs and millions of dollars. And no one can accuse him of not knowing how to work a contract.

Contract rider provision T: at least one tall shot per episode of season 9.

Come on guys. The least you could do is spring for a bus ticket to get this poor girl home.

The season has been sinking, so the producers wisely added Olivia Newton John to the roster.

I honestly love you.

It’s Lennon and McCartney night! WOWEE! This show will throw dirt on anyone’s name. I’m still holding out for Beethoven night. The contestants can just hum shit off key and make us wonder how that douchebag ever became famous in the first place.

Crooked teeth-off.

These two brill songwriters have thirty five number one hits, a crazy Asian performance artist and a one legged wife between them. More than any other artist in history! They were all about peace, love, and super cheap weed. The contestants are thrilled to tackle their songs. Literally tackle them to the ground and beat the decency out of them.

I’m talking to you, Helmut!

This night is so important that even Sir McCartney himself showed up! Well, he recorded a video. During a coke binge.

Is that thing on?

Tink asks Randy how much the night is gonna blow and Randy said it will be awesome and terrible at the same time. Ellen talks about her favorite songs by Lennon and McCartney and says “Party in the USA” has to be at the top of her list. LOL. Skara babbles on about nothing. It sounds like a sink draining. Simon says that some of the contestants can change the songs up but some shouldn’t. Way to be clear with those rules there, buddy. Fist up is Chicken Little. He’s dressed like That Girl.

Couldn’t find the jacket in google images but trust me, she owned it.

It’s pictures like this that help us understand why Tink spends all his time at the gym and inside tanning beds.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH

Since FOX still insists on making this show two fucking hours with only nine contestants left, we get filler. This week the contestants were asked to talk shit about each other before their performances. Green Mile says Little Chicken is small. Like Yoda. Sio does a Yoda impression to make fun of Chicken. HAHAH. They all make fun of him being little and Yoda like and it’s killing me. Green Mile even picks the kid up and sits him down on his face. Wow. He’s light.

K guys this is a family show.

Chicken doesn’t know if they’re complimenting him or making fun of him, but he likes the feeling his butt gets. Chicken is singing “A Long and Winding Road” because it’s about his Idol experience. I don’t remember molestation being part of that song but I’ll roll with it. He’s doing a super elevator-y version of it, and he’s already off key in the first verse. Like way off key. This is boring and terrible. The end. It’s like the editors know I’m waiting for gross face shots, cuz they fade out every time he makes one.

You bastards!

He’s super gravelly today. His end belt note sounds like someone put an iPad in a blender.

I think he’s having an outbreak of the herps. Yoda’s such a dirty whore!

Blow you I will.

Randy’s like UUUUGH. He likes his voice but says the song was boring. Ellen calls it “A Long and Winding Song”. She gets booed. Skara thinks the kid needs to be great and it’s the same shit every week. Of course when she says it she just whines on for two minutes. Chicken says if he’s back next week he’s got a surprise up his sleeve. Too late hack! He has to be told to speak into the mic. Headslap. Simon asks him why he chose the song and adds “Use the mic sweetie.” HA. Ok Patsy.

”Time is like a stretched elastic band. You can’t let it go or it’ll come back and take your eye out.”

Chicken answers that the show is a long winding road and he keeps trying and trying. Simon, like the rest of adult America, rolls his eyes. He keeps yammering on, getting more and more frightened by the second. Simon starts ragging on him and some dude boos super loud. LOL. Simon’s advice is to be young and relevant. Um thanks. You haven’t said that eighteen million times this season. Chicken’s dad was the yeller I think. Can’t believe a guy who would wear shorts to a show would lack manners.

I loved you on Third Rock from the Sun, but stfu.

Katie is up next, and makes cutesy face at the camera. At least I think that’s what she’s going for. She looks like Skara.

You need to be reeeelevaaaant! WAAAAH!

She tells Tink that she’s had five offers for prom. Poor girl. She’s on the most popular show on TV and she only scored five dates? That’s sad. She says she’ll only go out with people who voted for her, which means she’ll only be accepting her grandma’s invite. AW! Sio says Katie’s awesome and Lee says she has energy. Andrew says she does the Single Ladies dance. And then we have to see it.

She’s singing “Let it Be” cuz she’s sung it a million times in the shower. Then we get shots of her crying after being told off by the judges. LOL. She looks cute today. By that I mean she’s not wearing mom shorts and her granny panties aren’t showing. She does the song straight up with no revisions, which was smart. It’s a beautiful song, and her voice really sounds great on it. It’s the best she’s done, and is on the verge of tears the whole time which means that she’s both connected to the song and a giant pussy. She still sounds like she’s yawning when she belts and I yawn the whole time she’s on stage, but still. Good for her. Paul and John wrote some really fun drugged out songs. I wonder if they’re amused that their music leads to some of the most tiring AI episodes evah. Well, John’s dead but you know what I mean.

Randy says it’s her best performance of all time. Ellen says there’s no way she’ll be in the bottom three this week, and Skara says that she’s blossoming. Katie, not Ellen. Ellen already blossomed. Then wilted. Then blossomed again. Then married Portia deRossi. Where was I? Old flowers. Let’s just move on. Simon says that she finally got it right because she listened to advice and went more country. Lennon just hit his head on the lid of his grave. Skara says Simon’s full of shit and then starts wailing to show him what cunt-ry sounds like. She needs to get her mouth wired shut. Simon says she’s out of tune. LOL. Skara snaps that he wouldn’t know anything about that. Riiiight. The guy who makes more money than Oprah selling kid’s souls knows nothing about it. Idiot. She needs to be put in a hot dog grinder. Or hit by a MAC truck. Or get acid thrown at her. Something. Anything. Look at how Simon’s looking at her. HAHAHA.

He’s about to spit his wine at her face.

Katie interviewsthat she was singing the song “from a personal like my heart.” HUH? Shhhh Katie. Shhhh. Take the compliments and shhhhh. It feels like Glee never went off the air cuz we’ve seen about ten minutes of it during every Idol episode, but I don’t care I can’t wait for this show to come back. Take this clip for example.

Sue: Hey there Whoopie.

So wrong. MexiGokey is next! Tink is in the audience and gives Little Chicken’s dad shit for looking like a slob. LOL! Good work. The dad is not amused. The contestants say that MexiG is the most hilarious person ever and they all wanna hang out with him. Way to combat Simon’s “you’re too boring for a gang” critique. Lee says MexiG is like one of his friends from home, which makes sense cuz in an earlier vid Lee says that he was a troubled teen. In other words, these two are the pot smokers of the cast. They’re both dead eyed and eat too much. Like me. You’d think that would put me on MexiG’s side, but he still makes me want to poke a baby’s eyes out.

He’s singing “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Ugh. I think MexiG was too high to make it to the stage tonight, so he will be played by Horatio Sanz.

He takes a giant Costco sized can of CheezWhiz and pours it all over the song. Ugh. He’s so creepy.

No I won’t get in your van. If you lost your puppy then you’re too irresponsible to own one in the first place. Candy? YAY I’M IN! SHOTGUN!

Every pic of him looks like that. He goes for a big scream note and croaks it. This guy sucks bawls I don’t care what anyone says. He also had his back to the judges, so they had to stare at his wide load the whole time. He’s in troubs. Randy says it was ok but corny, and Ell says that you can, in fact, buy love. LOLAWWW.

Then Ellen says “am I right Simon?” HA!

He can never get Lasik.

Skara starts by groaning. She whines that she wants to love it but it was nothing new and she wants mooooore! Simon shrugs and says he sounded like a guitarist taking over the vocal mic at a wedding. That’s an actual step down from the wedding critique, which is staggering. He adds an “irrelevant” in there for good measure. MexiGokey doesn’t care cuz he had fuuun!

Green Mile’s next. What do the contestants think of him? Katie says they were on the same plane to Hollywood and she thought he was a terrorist. Poor white Katie. Prettiness says Green snores loud, and Sio very slooooowly says he’s hilarious. Green Mile comes from a performing family called “The Lynch Mob” and they sang “Elenor Rigby” so he’s gonna sing that tonight. But he won’t loot.

He changes up the song, and it’s kinda awesome. He sings the shit out of it, and is the first one to look like an actual pro tonight. He’s also wearing a dyke chain. So he’s gonna get great feedback and he’s not gonna lose his keys. YAY!

He gets a little over riffy, but you can’t accuse him of not giving it his all. Is it public masturbation? Yes. But this season is crap and he’s at least entertaining. Randy says not all of it worked but the parts that did were great and it could be on the radio. He also says that Green Mile has blossomed. Uhoh, Randy’s stolen another adjective. Will blossomed be the new relevant? Stay tuned.

Ellen loved it, Skara says the vox were amazing. She waves her hand around and then points and shouts. She’s annoying still. Simon says it was like something you would hear in a Beatles musical and it wasn’t contemporary at all and he’s too over the top. Randy argues that Glee has made musicals popular again so that makes it contemporary. HA. Like the logic there, buddy. Tink says that Randy and Simon are having tension and Simon tells him to shut his face. Green Mile says Simon wants to challenge him to a pet contest. ?? Please explain. Green Mile tells the backstage cam that he totally agrees that song could be on the radio. Then he whips out his peen and starts rubbing.

Crystal OrganiJoplin is out next. And she’s in skinny jeans. Who says this show doesn’t give you confidence? She starts by saying she has a cold. Oh wah excuser. Her dad made a sign for her in her town. The only thing it’s missing is a can to put change in.

Love that this sign is on Witty Street.

What can the contestants say about OrganiJop? She’s a mom. That’s pretty much it. Lee says she’s very honest (a bitch) and the “most kindest” person ever (please don’t hit me.) She’s singing “Come Together” and this time she didn’t choose it cuz of sentiment, it’s cuz it’s FUUUUUUN! She’s behind the guitar again, but she adds some originality with a guy blowing one of those things that sounds like a passing train in the distance.

Smoke em if you got em.

She, as usual, does a by the numbers version of the song competently. I get sick of saying she sounds like any other dirty girl with a guitar asking for change, so I won’t say it again. She can sing, but she’s not really trying to offer anything that’s not already out there. Still, I’d like to see what she does with Skara’s super cheese finale song cuz you know she’ll have to smile a lot and that’s my favorite part.

Randy says it was another solid performance even with the dying elephant on stage with her. Ellen says she loved the elephant. Ellen says she made it current. ? Well it was sung in 2010, so there’s that. Skara says it was one of OrganiJ’s fave performances and she liked the Bonnie Raitt action. She also calls her slinky and sexy. Weird. Simon says that he could hear that on the radio and she’s true to herself and he’s impressed that the guy playing the dead elephant could have passed out and didn’t. HAHAH. Tink allows her to excuse her bum last note again. Bronchitis. Got it. Cry outside. Some people chew their split ends, and some people’s split ends chew them.

Tink explains that the dead elephant is called the digery doo or something. You’re welcome. Tim Helmut Lame is next! Everyone says he smiles a lot. He says his goal is to make people smile. MexiG says it’s hard not to fall in love with Helmut. LOL. He chose “All My Lovin’” cuz he can smile and it will be FUUN!! He whips out his Buble knockoff crap in the opening and keeps it up through the song. I will say, though, that he’s on key and sounds pleasant. He doesn’t smile, thankfully, but he does look terrified, which I appreciate.

He’s better with a guitar, cuz he can’t flail all over the place. I am struggling to come up with something to say, honestly. It’s like listening to crackers being baked.

Randy says Helmut is in his own category so Randy is going to judge him separately. Was it good for Tim? LOL!!! That’s how I judge Sandra Bullock movies! Randy says it was one of his best. And it was. It will be interesting to see if everyone’s gonna be mean to him cuz he usually blows. Randy asks if he’s wearing a wig. HA. Ellen loved it and thinks the girls will go crazy over him. Skara credits the guitar for his “honesty” and admits to being evil week after week. She applauds him for doing ok even though they’re mean, but she says this like she’s disappointed in him for being decent for once. Simon won’t use the Randy “Helmut Scale” and says that even judged normally he did a really good job and sounded current. He also says he appreciates that Tim takes the bad remarks like a man. Then he invites him to his WalMart sized trailer.

Helmut is so shellshocked by the compliments that he got a twitch. He starts shaking his head around real hard. It’s weird. There are people from Bones here! Yeah I don’t care either. Prettiness is next, and everyone says he’s gorge and they call him Fabio. Then they complain that he has a loud annoying laugh. He’s not a diva, but he makes sure that he’s got an assistant to de-flea him before pics cuz he hangs out with OrganiJ and MexiG a lot.

He’s singing “Jealous Guy” by “Lennie”. Try to get a dead guy to deny that you’re best friends. He plays acoustic guitar for this one, and it’s odd seeing him sing a slow song. LOVE IT!! I’m a very shallow person, so yes I love it cuz he’s hot but also it’s good. I think of all the guys attempting the rock thing this year he’s the best cuz his voice doesn’t sound like anyone else’s. He’s got a super fast vibrato goin on which works for him. Today he’s even, like, FEELING it. He gets all choked up at the end. Finally guilt for not returning all my Facebooks. I’ve thought he was pretty meh up to now, but loved it!

Randy loved the sensitivity and is impressed that Pretty has come out as an original ahtist. Reba approves of that.

Ellen thinks it’s his best and he was moving. She also compliments his hair. Skara loves the vulnerability and throws up some seran wrap to use as a female condom. You guys, why does she taaaaalk soooo muuuuch?!?! Simon calls him Goldilocks and says it was the best performance of the night and he’s evolved and stuff. Tink asks what Pretty was thinking about when he got choked up and he answers “being jealous of anyone that dates Flipit.” AW! LOVE YOU!

Sio is rocking the ghost ballerina quincenera whorehouse look tonight. Works for me!

Green Mile flat out says that Sio is weird. HAHAHAH. Everyone loves her. Clips of her screech thing. Everyone’s jealous of her screech. She’s gonna sing “Across the Universe” and try not to screech. Well she doesn’t say that. She says it’s a “different side of my voice”. But the only side we haven’t heard is the screech so I’m guessing.

She does the song like she talks. Super slooooowly. She’s sitting on a stool and I’m loving her hair. Patsy Cline hasn’t had a hair shout out in awhile and I’m sure she appreciates it, God bless her.

She pretty much sticks to the Karen Carpenter slow vibrato thing. It sounds gorge, if a bit snorey. She even takes a couple high notes and nails them without screeching. Atta girl! Dammit I love this girl. This is the most I’ve written the word love in an AI recap this season. More to like than ush, no? Randy says it wasn’t perfect and kinda boring but he loved seeing that side of her. Ellen says she marches to the beat of her own drum machine and she’s very special. Skara says Sio hit the notes and sang it well but it was too polite and she can’t process it. Shut up. Simon asks what Sio connected to in the song, and Sio answers that she doesn’t want to change her world for the show. Then she cries! There’s so much crazy fame stuff happening and it’s not gonna change that her family is her world. WAAAAH!!! I’m teary, but this show has literally exhausted my hung over ass today so that might be why. Even Simon’s trying to feel something.

You’re leaking, sweetie.

Simon’s like umkay good answer. He says that last week was a disaster and she was way stronger tonight. He likes that she’s confusing. Turns out the yelling guy in the crowd isn’t Chicken dad. It’s some bear. Sorry for the slander, Chicken Dad, but still. Wear pants. Tink brings Yelly Bear up to hug Sio. Awkward.

Lee’s next. Sio says that he’s a worry wart and Katie says he always thinks he’s going home. LOL. I love insecure guys! She also says that he’s dating MexiGokey and OrganiJoplin calls Mexi Danny Gokey! HAHAHAHAH. He’s singing “Hey Jude” after he smokes a blunt with MexiG.

He’s singing with his guitar, and he’s off key from the start. He gets better, but only slightly. His growl is out in full force though. I’m just interested to see if the judges will ever point out that he’s always off key. As the song goes on, he gets more comfortable and adds a little riffy action in there. That growl sounds fake to me. I wanna hear him without it. Someone playing the bagpipes comes down the stairs!! HAHAHAHAH WHAT THEFUCKISGOINGONTHISYEAR?!!?

Craigslist is crazy busy with American Idol postings this week. Next up, seeking someone who can play their armpits for a Sio song.

Wow. That was insane. And mostly bad. But now we know he’s insecure so I will point out that he has very pretty eyes. Randy jokes that he almost wore a kilt tonight but no one laughs cuz it’s totally believable. Randy says it was hot. Girls just scream the whole time. Ellen says he could stay focused even when the guy who got separated from his parade showed up. HA. Skara says that there were good moments and some off moments but she loves him. Simon says the contestants all seem drunk with their weird extras tonight. Simon hated the bagpipes and Lee smiles big and says it was his idea. Hilarious. The girls still scream for Lee. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not doing this in the middle of the night, but since I typed LOVE so many times I guess it was better than ush. What did you guys think? I suspect Katie’s gonna be packing her bags in a bit. See you later tonight! xo