American Idol : Condensed Crazies

Tonight on American Idol, Ryan tells us we will be bouncing back and forth between Puerto Rico and New York. Oh joy! Nothing I love better than flipping between time zones! Of course it helps if you are plastered. Here we go!

Well lovies it looks like on the last night of auditions, you guys are stuck with me again. Why you ask? Because of my mad skills yo! Or because there was no one else to do it. Kinda like getting picked last for volleyball because your boobs are too big and every time you try and hit the ball it just sticks in your cleavage. But enough about flipit! On to the show!

Ryan tells us some crap about Puerto Rico, 1957, Westside Story…I don’t know. My brain rejects knowledge and that sounded too much like history class. His point is, if he will ever get to it, we are in Puerto Rico and New York tonight! He already said that. He tells us there’s twice the talent and two times the terrible. Uh huh. Then why is this show condensed? If it’s four times the show? I don’t even have my shoes off and that math don’t add up! Oh and he added that there is double the danger. I’m a skeerd now!

Oh he’s finally starting the show! Ok Ryan says two different islands, one a metropolis and one an enchanted island. Oooh do you guys play Metropolis on facebook? It’s kinda lame but it passes the time. Kinda like tonight’s show.

Anyway we are shown scenes from both cities. Screaming fans and all.

Beans and disease to you too.

I miss Redd Foxx. Fred Sanford was the best. Ok I think we are getting closer to actually seeing a contestant! Nope, it’s Randy, Paula, Simon and DioBitchi arriving in New York via helicopter. Wouldn’t ya like to be a fly on the wall inside that chopper?

Paula- Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (has airplane arms)

DioBitchi- Touch my hair and I’ll slit your throat you loopy talentless dwarf.

Randy-Yo dawg, stop that. My grub holder is acting whack.

Simon- Can I please be deported?

Paula-WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Randy-Barfs in DioBitchi purse.

DioBitchi- Strangles Paula with her own extentions.

We also get to see the screaming fans of New York. Most of them screaming “Fuhget about it!”

I wish I could.

Finally! First up is Adeola Adegoke, she tells us that “mos uh de tigh, I get compare to Mariah Carey and Mary J. Blighhhhhh.” Oh jeez, you know where this heading. She tells us she KNOWS she will be a superstar and in an entirely too happy way she says “I quit my job cause I know I going to Hollywood!” Awww, No you’re not but thanks for playing.

No need to go on wi duh show. I have arrigh.

DioBitchi asks her if she really quit her job? Yes she handed in her resignation letter. The judges are all “wow”. She will be singing And I am Telling You. Simon says “Big song.” And so it begins……..

“We paht of duh same blood. We paht of duh same time.” And it’s pretty much downhill from there. Simon rolls his eyes. She keeps singing/strangling a cat. The judges try hard not to crack up but she is hideous. DioBitchi stops her and Simon asks “Did you actually deliver the resignation letter?” Yes she did. Simon tells her she needs to get it back. Quickly. She wants another chance. Simon would rather suck a sock. He tells her she’s very nice and blah blah. He offers to phone her boss and get her job back and apparently she stepped on a tac cause she starts screeching bloody murder.

Ooohhhaayyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaooooooooo!

They all tell her she’s awful and DioBitchi decides it’s time to vote. Ooh I wonder if she gets a golden ticket! Simon says absolutely no. Paula says “Its not your thing honey.” Randy does Randy speak about not having any ski’s or something and Miss Brilliance herself tells her to keep her day job. Wow, that was clever! The poor thing shuffles off and tells her family. Simon tells them to get her boss on the phone. Ryan, who will do anything for a scrap of Simon’s love, grabs the nearest phone.

My boyfr, uh Simon wants to speak to you.

So Ryan actually gets this woman’s boss on the phone and he agrees to talk to Simon. And he gives her the job back. Simon being nice? What’s next, sober Paula?

She tells us that she always knew that deep down in Simon there was something good and he just proved it to her. Yeah well the sun even shines on a dogs ass some days.

On to Puerto Rrrrrrrrico! Damn this dude talks fast! Basically he says he has what it takes. His name is Jorge and he will be singing “My Way”. And he does it in spanish.

He sounds great. The last part of the song he sings in english. And Paula’s first thought? “How ..do…you sing…in english?” With his mouth duh! He starts singing “What a Wonderful World”. Yep still great. I’m shocked and delighted. DioBitchi however feels the song in spanish was much better because the one in english had some pronunciation problems. NO! In Puerto Rico? An accent?

You have an odd twang.

Hahaha Simon says hello dingbat we are in Puerto Rico. If we hadn’t wanted someone with an accent we would have gone to Omaha. LOL. Good one. Randy loves him, so does Paula and Simon and even DioBitchi. He’s going to Hollywood!

Still in Puerto Rico we have a girl who traveled all the way from Michigan. With a bunch of family. Her name is Jessika. She tells us she’s 19, then remembers she just had a birthday and is 20. She financed her trip through a contest that she won. She and 9 family members are there. And then we see a bunch of them running up some steps with signs. And Mom’s takes a flying lip smack to the ground. And I rewind. A few times.

Don’t act like you didn’t laugh.

When they first showed this girl I was thinking she looks familiar. And then I noticed that as I am looking at her all I see is all kinds of wrong. The hair, the clothes. All wrong. The poor thing looks like Paula and Monica Lewinski had a baby.

Who’s Bill Clinton?

She tells us that she has been in 500-700 contests. And she won most of them. Her first one was World’s Most Beautiful baby Contest. She has won countless county fairs, sang in the Rose Bowl and even met Jessica Simpson at an airport once. Well that settles it! She must be able to sing! She’s singing I Surrender by Celine Dion.

And she begins screaming at the judges. LOUDLY! Simon tells her he surrenders too. She’s awful and he cannot believe she won so many contests.

Go away you horrid beast.

She keeps begging for a second chance cause she’s nervous and she holds out her shaking hands and then she actually stomps like a four year old. Simon tells her she sucks and stomping won’t help and she wah wah’s some more and Randy tries to tell her but she ain’t listening. She keeps saying “I can sing” and Simon says “I can swim but I am not going to win 10 olympic medals.” hahahaha. Oh man she just won’t shut it.

Off with her giant ass head!

Even Paula has had enough and tells her it bordered on shrilling the entire time. They all try to hand out advice but Simon’s nice tank is empty and says “Just go yes or no!” All no’s. Outside she tells us that the judges told her she wasn’t being who she is…no, they said you suck. Bye-bye.

Then we see back to back people who say the judges suck and made a mistake. They don’t like good singer’s y’all. They don’t know what they are doing. And then this girl who says “They didn’t like Simone.”

Simone hopes you all die.

Back in New York. We meet Melinda. Paula should like her. She has a smile like Arsenio Hall.

Happy happy joy joy!

She tells us she has a message to spread to the world. Humanity is taking a shift right now. She wants to be a part of it. She wants to uplift humanity to a place of love and positivity cause she’s happy. Also she’s happy while she dances naked in her room.

Hey, my Mom does that when she misses a dose!

She tells us when she dances naked her soul just kinda releases. When I dance naked the neighbors complain. She’s down for any experience that brings enlightenment and happiness to her.

Don’t go into the light! Nutbag.

And she walks into the judges room. Barefoot. Simon is immediately at attention.

Feeeeeeet!

Simon tells her she looks very fresh and wants to know more. She tells him about the shifting universe and Paula agrees and Simon gets a close up of her feet.

Damn. Hammer toes.

Simon tells her that he read that she would like to join a nudest colony, that that is part of how she gives other people happiness. She says sure why not. Simon is interested again. DioBitchi says “Do you wish you could be naked right now?” and she says yes if they too were naked. Uhh no thanks. That could get real ugly real fast. Simon tells her to imagine that Randy is naked. And even Randy is a little grossed out by that.

Yo, Dawg don’t do naked.

She’s singing Feeling Good. I hate that song but she can sing. And she giggles at the end. Simon says you are a happy little thing.

DioBitchi likes her too. She says she’s like a vitamin boost and she hasn’t felt this good since her last human embryo smoothie. She gets 4 yes’s!

In New York Ryan says the New York spirit never let them down. And we see a bunch of people who obviously have drank a bunch of spirits. And then we see Ryan making friends in the holding room.

My place. Tonight. Be there.

Next up is a rocker chick. Her name is Jackie. She plays instruments and sings and writes. It’s all she does. She tells the judges she will be singing Jason Morat? And its not good. In fact its gross.

Simon obviously see’s, hears something I don’t and tells her he just wants to hear what her normal voice sounds like. Second song is a lot better. But she makes freaky faces. Paula tells her she’s unpredictable and surprising and it’s all good for her. Randy likes the tone. He says yes. DioBitchi says yes. And then she makes the mistake of asking what direction do they think she should go in causing Simon start to say “The worst thing you can ask..” but he doesn’t get to finish because Paula blasts out an OxyContin fart and the windows try to fall inward. And she looks quite proud of herself too.

Oopsy.

Oh wait it wasn’t the actual windows, it was a sun screen they put over the windows to keep DioBitchia from bursting into flames. The smell even reaches Jackie.

Dear God I had my mouth OPEN!

Anyway they tell her never to ask who she should be. And she gets 4 yes’s!

And then we hear Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game as we head back to Puerto Rico. Cause nothing spells island bliss like rock-a-billy music. And some dude voice overs the music.

Hey its that girl from Greys Anatomy!

Constantine?

Oh I see its an ode to losers type thing. And more scenes of hideous singing. And this dude who just keeps saying please, please please and Simon getting ready to lose it. Paula steps in and gases him away.

Dude!

On and on the pictures of the “its a no” goes…

I’m just picturing the face Fred Sanford would be making about now.

The ghost of Fred made me do it.

Man they have a lot of filler going on. I may have to start making shit up. But before I do, can someone please explain this commercial to me?

WTF?

Back to the program. Ryan tells us AGAIN that its the tale of two cities. New York and San Juan. I’m so glad he reminded me. I totally forgot. More filler. It seems that the two cities have one thing in common. Energy! And they show a ton of hideous horrifying NON-SINGERS! Some of these people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk much less sing!

Cats in a blender.

Paula did her best to run them off and kill Simon at the same time.

Take that you limey bastard!

And then we get the people who think their gimmicks will get them in. Like this guy. He throws himself on a garage door and then screams like a lunatic at some dude.

Jesus dude you need a urinal cake in there!

He runs around sing screaming at the dude who sells ice cream. Wears costumes. All kinds of stupid shit. His name is Joel and he comes dressed as an iPod for the judges.

He tells us he is the human iPod also known as GuyPod. Pardon me while I bang by head into a brick. He starts screeching something and Simon wants a different song. He throws down his iPod prop and starts singing something. Simon can’t take it anymore. He tells him its excruciatingly bad. So he pulls out a puppet.

Say hello to my little friend.You bastard.

Simon is trying to poke his own eye out as this dudes drops to one knee, sticks the puppet in the air and sings “Circle of Life”. He gets all no’s. And stands there for a minute and then screams “Yeah baby” and runs out of the room. And due to the magic of editing when he runs out of the door screaming “I got a no!” he’s wearing a superman costume. Really? This is what I am forced to watch and try to make amusing for my wonderful readers? I am so sorry. They continue to follow this tard until he runs outside and jumps in the pool. Over and over again.

When I remove the pillow from my face I see this guy.

Man, Taylor Hicks looks rough.

He comes running into the room and Simon rolls his eyes just looking at him. He tells them his name is Norman Gentle. Simon tells him he hates comedy and he just wants him to be serious. So he says fine and takes off his glasses and headband and untucks his shirt. He’s going to sing..And I am Telling You…I am so sick of that song.

Simon stops him and says “Norman, you told me you weren’t going to make this funny.” Norman says “Oh Simon you hurt me where you get kicked sometimes.” Simon tells him he would’ve thought Norman would like to be kicked in the sack. And Norman replies “You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?” OH SNAP! And for some reason Simon takes his teeth out.

Dude I know you are English, but put those back in!

They all burst out laughing and Simon say’s “That was funny!”

Much better!

Simon tells him it made him more likable but that they are not looking for some ghastly cabaret singer.

Speak of the devil.

Norman says in a weird voice “Do you think maybe Amazing Grace would change your mind?” Simon says go for it. He says he needs a chair. Simon begs him to be serious as he sits down and puts his glasses and headband back on. And Simon tells him not to “pull faces”. He starts singing and Paula does this.

I knew those pickles and pork & beans were a mistake.

And right in the middle of singing halfway nicely he looses it and gets all funny again. Simon tells him he can’t help but pull those stupid faces and Paula cracks up. DioBitchi says she is thoroughly entertained.

This is my happy face.

Paula says yes, DioBitchi tells him he hasn’t got a chance in hell but thank you, Simon says hell no and Randy says yes and puts him through. Yes he was entertaining but come on people? Nevermind it could always be worse.

That’s for you J-Mo.

Next we see quick glimpses of people who can actually sing.

Lots of yes’s you are going to Hollywood. More not no but hell no’s. Ryan recaps what just happened because you know, I am sure we have all forgotten by now. And then they show a girl who doesn’t play fair. She brings her little brother with her. He’s cute as can be. Paula calls dibbs before Ryan can.

He’s a little old for you Paula.

The kid starts asking Paula where Simon is and she tells him he’s late because he wears more make up than she does. LOL Paula! Then we see scenes of the girl and her brother playing on the beach and collecting shells. They finally go into the judges room and Paula lays claim on the kid again.

Who let you outta my bag?

He tells them that he got them something but it broke and he brings them a little broken sea shell. Paula thinks about smoking it but remembers she’s on tv and pulls her shit together. The little boys name is Christopher and he’s 9 years old. I don’t think so. I think he’s a midget and he’s actually this girls agent. Her name is Monique and she’s 16.

The first thing I notice is it looks like she is wearing rubber bands around her neck and its freakin me out. The second thing I notice is that this little kid is hilarious. Simon asks him if Monique is any good and he says he thinks they will love her. When Monique says she is going to sing You Can’t Hurry Love the little fart tells her to think carefully! She starts singing. Simon stops her and consults her agent brother. He tells her to sing something else. Not good either.

Hated it!

She sounds good to me but they think she’s too young and her voice isn’t quite there yet. Then DioBitchi says that the little guy has way more confidence than she does so just go away. Or words to that effect. Paula see’s her chance of snagging the little fella slipping away and pouts out a “Yes!” Simon looks at the kid like this.

And his heart grew three sizes that day!

Simon says yes! Paula phones home and tells them to get the special cage ready and Monique runs outside to celebrate with her family. Christopher takes all the credit. See told ya he was her agent.

There’s one final contestant from New York. Before they can get to her, Paula fumigates the room again.

My God is that bologna?

And then we see her. She looks familiar. The hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up.

It couldn’t be could it?

Oh crap it is her. The one from last year who looked like an anorexic Dennis Leary in drag.

It’s Alexis Cohen. And she’s chanting. She says she has changed. They replay last years trauma. Simon telling her she sucked. Her having a hissy fit and giving the double birds and telling Simon to “Take it. Take it. Take it!” Okie dokie. This year she is a kinder gentler Alexis as she goes around the holding room introducing herself and being polite. Then she walks into the judges room. And Simon looks like this.

I’ll throw Paula at it and run.

Paula is just happy to see someone crazier than she and DioBitchi runs her hand over the hilt of the knife she keeps strapped to her thigh. She will be singing “Like a Prayer”.

Of course its hideous. Randy is shaking his head, Paula is laughing. Simon stops her and tells her it was horrendous and she’s gotten worse. DioBitchi agrees. She thinks she was better when she was being herself. Simon tells her that we have fully established that she cannot sing. She thanks him. DioBitchi tries to explain that it wasn’t a compliment but Alexis is way ahead of her and says “I don’t know what else to do other than give you the finger.”

Wow I sure didn’t see that coming.

They all crack up. And cheer. Simon says “Ok so we are friends again Alexis?” and she says “Nah I don’t think we ever could be. I’ve come out here too many times just for you to say go home.” Simon says “Bye Alexis.” and she says “Thank you, you’re an asshole.” Causing them all to laugh like hell.

Must be from relief.

Back in Puerto Rico the last contestant from there is up. Her name is Patricia. And her whole family is there. Her parents were married in that same building and she hopes it will be good luck. My parents were married in backwoods Georgia at a moonshine factory. Can’t say it brought me much luck though. Anyway, she’s gonna sing I Want To Dance With Somebody.

She can sing but its raw and not Whitney. Simon says its not good enough and she should never sing that because she will always come in second. Simon gives her 30 seconds to change his mind. Randy says yes. Paula says no. Uh oh her cup must be empty. DioBitchi gives her the death stare and…………..cut to outside the door where the family is waiting. Out she comes. With a golden ticket she’s going to Hollywood! Screams galore and much celebrating. Inside Randy says there’s a band out there. Simon makes his escape quickly.

Paula has an argument with her boobs.

I told you to be quiet when Mommy’s working!

Ryan tells us 9 lucky contestants got tickets in Puerto Rico and 26 from New York.

So that’s it for auditions folks. Next stop HOLLYWOOD!

Smooches to all!