American Idol: Can’t Get No

A Welder. A bartender, A font designer (that’s a job? Who made wingdings?). A comedian. A fortysomething year old, and a musical theater queen with an Elvira wig. THIS! Is American Idol!

Tink flits down from the rafters in a … polo shirt? HUH? He’s getting a little too casual for me. I know he’s got like thirty jobs, but make an effort! Next week he’s gonna show up in holey boxers and a stained wife beater. He begins by taunting the nervous newbies with the sight of the three chosen ones that made it from last week. I check to see if anyone’s had a makeover yet, but we have to be more patient. I read in this week’s TVGuide that Carly came back last week with veneers, better skin, and minus twenty pounds. Didn’t even notice. No fair. We should be allowed to follow these “drastic” makeovers. If you’re gonna shove three hours of this show down our throats every week, the least you could do is throw in a segment with Randy driving behind a running Carly yelling “dawg! Dawg! Dawg!” so we can see the mascara and Proactive sludge up her face.

It’s a boob-off.

Tink intros the judges and asks Randy if he thinks this week will be easier than the last. He answers “yeah cuz you already got the nerves out.” Tink kinda nods and winks and Randy realizes that this is a whole new group. He leans back on his “bring it dawg!” and Skara smiles and basically says what he said. More intelligibly, of course, but just as lamely. The best part is Paula, because she’s barely even trying to pretend that she gives a shit any more.

I have a Mentalist waiting at home on the DVR.

She just sputters out “pick the right song!” and we move on to Simon. Tink gives him shit about the stories last week that he was complaining about the lighting casting a shadow and making his boobs look like double d’s instead of the reasonable b he’s maintained over the years. Simon claims that he was complaining for the contestants’ sake, but Tink points out that he’s moved to the other end of the table. LOL. I love that Simon goes home and worries about how he looks. I figured he just rolled out of bed, sucked the blood out of a newborn and got in his Rolls. Nice to know you care! He still looks the same in this lighting, though. Tink isn’t so lucky. He looks like he’s wearing flapjack batter and rouge.

Jasmine Murray is up first. She tells a cute story about how her mom would watch American Idol upstairs in her room and she’d yell down to the basement “Jasmine are you watching? You’re gonna be on that show!” And every time Jasmine would get scared and snap her laptop shut thinking she was just about to get caught jerking off to hornybears.com. We get flashes of Hollywood week(s). Jasmine had to do her group audition with the weird dirty dread locked hippie girl and Bikini Whore. This is made to look like it was a bad thing, but if you can’t look good between those two it’s time to get back to the basement internet porn. She shone like a little star and here she is! I’m already rooting for her because she’s at a disadvantage with her snore personality/story and she needs someone to believe in her, because the producers have put her first, which means they obviously don’t.

If you want to do something positive for your kid, drive off a cliff yesterday.

She’s singing “Love Song” by Sarah Burellis, which starts low and smokey. She handles that well, but when she pops into her belt, it’s nasally. Like…country. She doesn’t have any vibrato til her final note and she’s off key and whiny sounding half the time. She does have good stage presence and she’s confident and beautiful. I guess those qualities made me think she could, you know. SING. My bad. In her defense, all the backup singers are singing the melody, which just makes the whole thing sound like little girls at a slumber party.

Randy has a look of complete distaste on his face. He might not have liked it or he might be suffering the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome. How much does that jewelry on your wrist weigh there, tiger? There is some major diamond compensation going on here, and suddenly I kinda feel bad for shiny shiny Randy.

Sorry about your penis.

He says there was good and bad but pitchy all the way through and she should have picked Rihanna or something. Now we all know if she picked Rihanna they would have been like “NO ONE TOUCHES Rihanna! NO ONE!” Skara says she’s very commercial but her performance blew. Paula says she wants to disagree with the others, but she can’t think of anything. Simon is disappointed because she’s got the look and the confidence but not the voice. He waits for the audience to boo, and they comply. “I just said the same thing they did and you boo!” It must be the lighting. Jasmine says she had a good time and thinks she did really well. Sad horns.

Damn. I was hoping to spend her college money to remodel the stained ass basement.

Cut to Matt Giraud working the gay vote.

That’s just offensive.

Matt’s the dueling piano guy. You’ve been to one of those places, yes? You know how you’re like “holy shit that dude’s so talented he should totally be famous” and then you take a tiny pleasure in soaking up his desperation and poordom while you drink pitchers of beer, try to make out with drunk frat guys, and yell out “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me!” over and over again to try and break him? No one?

I wonder if he’s asked for gum often.

Matt’s singing “Viva la Vida” by Coldplay, because he wants to “put a soulful twist on a white boy rock song.” He comes out wearing a button down and a plastic Michael Jackson Thriller jacket. Head slap. Got the white boy part down. He’s not on the piano tonight, and it looks like he’s gonna freak out. He still shakes and shifts and stomps his foot like he’s playing, and he gets less and less comfortable as he goes. At one point it looks like he’s gonna pull out his weewee and pee right there.

From what I remember, this guy has a gorgeous voice. Tonight though, the nerves are getting to him. I’m waiting for him to shout “my arm hurts!” and keel over. He’s shaky but holding on at the start. Then he goes for a fals note and screeches it out. By the time the belt comes at the end it’s off key wailing like someone’s pulling his toenails out one by one. To compensate, he does lots of Mariah riffs. Sad to see such a talented guy get taken down by nerves. On the bright side, his defeated desperation is gonna taste amazing with a PBR back at the dueling pianos place. His mom and his girlfriend seem to like it.

I like your bangs.

No I like your bangs.

No you!

You!

Skara cuts off the applause so she can whine/judge. Everything she says is in the tone of “but I WANT IT! I WAAAANT it! YoU PROMIIIIISED!” She is disappointed and thinks Matt can sing but didn’t do well tonight. I could actually quote her, but frankly I’m uncomfortable watching her. It’s like she’s breaking up with the poor guy. Paula says that it was the wrong song but at least he sounded better than he did in rehearsal. Ouch. That’s better? I can’t hear the rest of what she said because I’m trying to figure out why she’s wearing a cubix water bug on her finger.

Simon says it verged on horrible. The song was bad and he was herky jerky and “it’s kinda put me off you.” He’s getting broken up by four people at once. All of the judges basically think he’s good but boned the song. Tink tries to keep things kosher with Coldplay and argues that they keep ragging on the song but it’s a good song. Randy says Chris is a specific kind of singer and can do it justice but he can’t do Ray Charles the way Matt can. Ouch. Coldplay can’t catch a break tonight. Besides, the song would have sounded great had Matt sung any of it on key or not freaked out and peed on the floor.

Matt tells Tink that he wants to be the kind of artist that would sing that song. The judges grumble and Simon says he doesn’t deserve another chance if he’s gonna try to be that kind of artist. HAHA. I love that man. Next up, help this kid win so she doesn’t have to go over the border for a shoddy sex change.

The Real World had me thinking all the talented good looking trannies were a thing of the past. Thanks, AI! I BELIEVE!

Janene is much cuter when she’s not in still pics and can show her personality and not just her giant face and her man hands. We are shown a clip of her tripping over a coffee table in the judges mansion, and it just makes her more charming. Then as if hearing me being rude, she shows us that she doesn’t have an Adam’s Apple. Sorry, Janene!

How often is she forced to do that by prospective dates?

She’s singing “This Love” by Maroon 5. It’s so weird that everyone’s getting to sing songs that I didn’t hear on my mom’s station wagon eight track on the way to her Junior League meetings in the eighties. Nice to see you spending some cash, Other Simon! You know Nigel’s at home slapping his knee muttering “it’s like Gladys Knight wasn’t even born YOU BASTARDS”. Janene comes out dressed kinda like a ho, but it’s not the Rock of Love inflated boobie ho on purpose kinda ho. It’s the “I’m broke waiting for the bus and it’s Summer so I cut off some jeans and spent my lunch money for the week at Payless” kinda ho. How refreshing! A genuine ho who isn’t trying too hard!

And then she sings. YOUCH. What the hell is going on tonight? She’s not nervous, that’s for sure. She’s working those long bare legs and flipping her hair and making Mariah hands but she misses every note and literally spends a solid five seconds in the wrong key.

OK we get it. You’re not an untalented tranny. Just…untalented. NEXT.

Things get better in the second half of the song and she actually hits the notes, but her Mariah hand is way too much. She looks like she’s self training in Tae Kwon Do. Paula starts this time by giving this look directly to the cameras.

Is my contract up yet?

She says “well…great legs.” OUCH. This is gonna get ugly. Paula tries to come up with something else. “….it’s season 8.” That’s it. Love it. She turns to Simon and reminds him that she’s just here to repeat things. He says it was terrible. It was a bad song and it was a painful struggle but she does have good legs. Randy agrees on the legs and then says the best part of the song was the end because it was over. Skara says she’s just trying to think of something else that’s pretty about her. Yikes. Sexism is less funny when it’s whiiiiined out.

Janene says that she wasn’t featured on the show at all during audition rounds so she really tried to go outside the box. Randy says that it would have helped if it was in tune. HAH. Tink comments that the judges were right about her legs and asks the judges if she deserves another chance. She yells “I do! I’m 28 I’ve been doing this for fourteen years!” No one who appreciates a good drink would vote for a well trained bartender of fourteen years to not be a bartender any more. What are you thinking, woman? Paula says it wasn’t her song and Simon goads her to just answer if she has a shot. Tink jokes that Simon’s had a few shots already.

Shut up and get my clubs to the next hole.

Skara jumps in and whines that she doesn’t deserve a second chance. Didn’t you already have your turn? Did you feel that you weren’t c wordy enough the first time around? Janene insists that she deserves this because she’s one of the oldest people here. The audience groans. Paula is pointing at Simon and says he just turned sixty. I don’t know if the audience was groaning at Janene or the judges, but they all deserved it. And now for Nick/Norman, or as I like to refer to him, my lesbian aunt’s ex lover Uncle Phyllis.

The woman who taught me to be terrified of lesbians. You can’t run from your past.

Clips of Uncle Phyllis being wacky and desperate. He says that Simon’s hatred toward him is like the same anger a middleschool kid gets when his lunch is stolen. In a way though, this show is Simon’s lunch, and Uncle Phyllis is shitting all over it. When the lights come up, he’s in his wacky character outfit. He sings “And I Am Telling You”. The best part of this is when they cut to his parents and his dad looks like he wants to beat the shit out of the kid.

I should have beat him when I had the chance.

The second best part is when Uncle Phyllis stands up and his shorts are wadded up between his thighs.

He points out Doogie in the crowd and writhes around and acts like an idiot. Everyone says he can really sing under all that nuttiness, but ya know what? He can’t. He has two belt notes and he misses them both. I miss the good ole days of Sanjaya and Haley Honato. They were funny cuz they weren’t trying to be. Oh who cares I’m done writing about him. HATE. The end. NEXT!

The audience goes nuts. Simon prays he doesn’t go through. The parents give him a dirty look and he calls them out on it, like YOU RAISED HIM. Simon calls it horrific comedy and Phyllis says “it takes one to know one Sassy Pants.” Then he does some Molly Shannon kicks. Randy goes on and on about loving it, Skara says she appreciates that he comes out doing his thing in the same shirt every week like Simon (LOL, Skar) and she says he’s not a terrible singer. It’s Paula’s turn and Simon says “come on. You can relate to this.” HAHAHAHAHAHA. Paula treads water and babbles about Jerry Lewis. Tink’s turn. Phyllis makes excuses about how he messed up some notes and then calls Simon out on giving him a death stare. Simon asks Tink if he liked it and Tink answers “in a different way than you.” Simon says he can believe that. LOL. Simon is so moving on. Tink asks if Uncle Phyllis thinks he should move on and he answers that he’s sick of being asked the same thing. “Do you think I deserve it?” Tink answers “probably not”. HA. Sweet. If they play kick the retard every week this could get fun.

Next up is Allison Iraheta. She interviews with Tink about having to sit through tutoring on the Idol set cuz she’s still in high school. It’s really awkward and Allison can’t seem to form complete sentences. Those tutors have their work cut out for them. Then she says she’s from Los Angeles and it all makes sense. I go to the In and Out by a high school in Hollywood and I keep those windows rolled up at all times. Them kids is skery. She sounds like a forty year old who’s been chain smoking half her life and she’s gone out of her way to get her Ronald McDonald hair just right. I don’t care how old this girl says she is, she’s ate up. And I love it.

She sings Heart’s “Alone”, and it’s clear from the first note that she’s gonna nail it. And nail it she does. She wails the shit out of that song. She repeats the chorus too many times at the end and it just becomes yelling and she doesn’t even try to go for the high notes, but she kicked everyone else’s ass tonight. Best part? Chola bangs.

This voice has been brought to you by the prolonged inhalation of Marlboro’s and Aqua Net.

Randy says she was the best of the night, Skara agrees and thinks with the right song she’ll be on the radio. Paula babbles about the phone book. Simon says she is definitely the best so far and it feels like the competition just started. He’s amazed that she was so boring in her interview with Tink and she just needs a better personality. He means it as a compliment somehow.

Kris Allen is next, and he’s really cute. I don’t remember ever seeing him before, but I think that’s just how am with cute guys. Whenever I run into them I’m like, oh? We’ve met? Gotta keep their heads deflated enough to bag em.

And you are….

Simon worried in the Hollywood round about his confidence, but Karl is sure that Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” will prove he’s got what it takes. This song is hard to listen to with MJ himself, singing, so good luck K…Kal? He starts off with spirit fingers…

Did you think I was lying? Cuz I can’t make this shit up.

The intro is soft and tinkly but Kent doesn’t care. He bops and dances like he’s at a rave. Poor thing. His first note is way off key and he can’t handle the low opening. It looks like he’s going for a fauxhawk, but it’s just a blur on top of his head. Literally a blur. He has ghost hair. Somehow he was cuter in his intro. Boner gone.

Oh, Kriiiis!

He gets a lot better in the higher belt chorus. He cracks a couple of times and his dancing is painful to watch, but he belts the crap out of it and makes the big notes. He tries a riff at the end and misses it, but he was good when he was good. Skara says the beginning was rough, but he got better at the end. He was better in the Hollywood round and she thinks this is the wrong song. Paula disagrees for the first time tonight, saying he showed his personality and he nailed it. Simon agrees with Paula. Simon’s always liked the pretty ones. Paula kisses him. Simon says ChoirHawk is a better singer, because it would be a shame to let one episode pass without mentioning him. His wife died, you know? Simon liked it for the most part and thinks he will move on. Randy is proud of him for performing without the guitar, baby. Kris talks to Tink, but it’s like sticking your head in a box. Something’s happening, but you can’t quite tell what.

Megan Joy Corkrey is next. Megan’s got a sleeve of tats and a two year old back at home. Seriously. What is with all the kids with kids? When did they stop giving out condoms at school? Ohhhh. Utah. She’s also really pretty, which means that whether or not she makes it, the trip to Hollywood’s paid for and she’s not going back any time soon.

Sorry little one.

She’s singing “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae. When this song came out it played every single day in Starbucks. Then I went home for a visit and my mom was blasting it in her car. In other words, this is some edgy shit. Megan is super awkward on stage, and she sounds like she’s doing a cartoon voice. When she starts belting the whole thing goes to shit. She misses her notes and at one point starts singing in an accent. I keep crossing my fingers for her for some reason, but it doesn’t work. It gets more and more painful as the song goes on and on. She’s having a seizure! Call the medics!

From the nose up, she looks like Felicity Huffman after one too many Botox shots. I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not, but I enjoy Desperate Housewives.

Paula says she picked the right song and she’s beautiful and she goes on and on and on and basically loved her. HUH? Simon says she’s a funny little thing and looks gorgeous. It started well but she shouted the second half. Megan thinks she rocked that part. WTF? Simon hopes America votes for her. What is happening here? And why is everyone calling her relevant? Randy liked her too, and Skara calls her a package artist. Wow. I actually rewound this to see if I was completely out of it the first time. Couldn’t even make it through again. Painful. What just happened? If you listen to the judges, they basically all just gave her a pass cuz she’s perty, which is bullshit.

Welder Bear is up next. This guy makes me uncomfortable. At first I thought it was because he looks like he has a gimp chained up in his basement, but seeing him tonight all I can think of is Pruitt Taylor Vince, the dude who plays serial killers in everything. Pruitt Taylor Vince is scary as f, and I do NOT want to buy his album.

If Welder has a wandering eye I’m outta here.

Welder is singing Tonic’s “If You Could Only See”. He has a great voice. I wish he was on the same night as Oil Rig Bear, because he would have trounced him. I could do without the dancing, though. At one point he does the double thumb mash potato.

Next up, the swim.

His voice is smokey and he doesn’t stray off pitch once. He tries the come fuck me eyes at the camera and I feel sorry for the woman that saw that before she blacked out and woke up pregnant. He’s one note and blah, but he hit all the notes and that’s a hell of an achievement tonight. Plus, he did the thumb dance through the whole song and I think he deserves some points for that.

Simon likes Welder Bear as a person but hated the song. Ok just say it. Welder Bear, you can actually sing, but you’re not pretty so bizye! The girl before him just got her ass kicked, but you’d never know it from listening to this yahoo. Welder Bear respectfully disagrees, which is pointless and only makes him sadder. Randy thinks the song is great but the performance was really boring. Skara whines and then Paula agrees with the others. Simon asks him if he still disagrees and Welder Bear says yeah. Tink asks him if he knew the judgements beforehand, would he have changed the song? Welder Bear says no. Which is sad, because you basically just promised us unabashed boredom every week. No one mentioned the thumb dance, which could have saved him.

I got a leather mask that’d fit you real good, littleun.

Jesse, another single mom is up next. I hope she makes it, cuz her kid’s old enough to stop whining and get her own damn job.

That’s right it’s your turn to feed me, you little brat.

Jesse is singing “Betty Davis Eyes”. I know I make fun of bangs a lot, but this girl could use em. Maybe she could borrow some from Matt’s mom and girlfriend.

She says that she chose the song because of the story, but I think she might just relate to Bette Davis. At least in one area, but there’s no song called “Bette Davis Forehead.”

Although there should be one.

She takes the stage with confidence and kicks that song’s ass. Until the belt section. She can’t hit the high notes for a bit. She gets a couple but misses more than she nails. It’s a shame because the parts she sang well were really good. Randy is freaked out by the face she’s making and she says that she was winking. HA. Randy was bored and Jessie asks what else he would like to have seen from her because she’s heard “I want more” all night. Uh, sing well? She keeps talking back and it’s annoying. Skara says that it’s definitely her best look but she bones some notes. Jessie talks about liking the drum beat. Jessie? STFU. Paula was captivated and says she has been the whole time. Jessie agrees with her. Simon says she’s forgettable and no one’s gonna remember anything but forehead. Jessie says ok. Glad you approved of that comment.

Stars are shiny.

Kai Kalam is next. You might remember him cuz he wants to win for his sick mom back at home. I remember him because he looks like he’s in his forties.

27…when Fievel the mouse first brought this hat to our attention in An American Tail.

And forty six when Paula insisted on keeping it in style on American Idol.

He’s singing “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” by Jimmy Buffet, and before he begins he reminds us that he’s here for his mom. Yeah we heard you the first ten times. He knows the drill. He comes out with a lopsided bob. Is it dyed? Or is all the grey only on the sides? I look for grey chest hair, but thankfully if he had any it’s colored now. Well done Lie! He sounds pretty nice, and very very dull. He does make some great faces though.

Get this guy some Metamucil.

He gives it his all, and his all is incredibly spastic. He gets the notes, but he’s really uncomfortable to watch and why would anyone sing this song if they weren’t forced to? His mom is having a great time though. She needs to act sicker if she wants her kid to have a shot at this.

I’m thirty nine.

Skara says she likes him as a person and asks how he did. He says it was really fun compared to helping his sick mom not die. Skara thinks he was pitchy but decent. Paula says it’s clear that he likes songs from the year he was born and is impressed with his performance skills. She sounds highly unexcited. Simon wasn’t impressed. The song was hotel hack and the performance was awkward. Randy just looks confused.

Didn’t we go to high school together?

Misha is next and she has a very tragic story about losing in the Hollywood round last year and going home to find that the house she shared with her two sisters was blown down by a really mean wolf.

She is ecstatic to have another chance, and she really takes to being photographed in front of her new house.

She’s singing “Drops of Jupiter”, but before she begins she promises not to let America down. Thank god. With a recession and trillions of dollars of debt, a shitty rendition of “Drops of Jupiter” might send us all on the path to mass suicide. She does a slow, bluesy version of the song. It doesn’t sit with me well at first, and it doesn’t help that she can’t get the timing right on the “yeah yeeeah yeah yeah” riffs, but once she gets going she kicks ass. I love this girl! She has the best girl voice so far, in my ever so humble opinion…and then bam she blows the final note. Oh no. Someone I actually like! I have my fingers crossed that she doesn’t get shipped off to the bacon factory.

Paula says she has a nice voice but it was a bad song for her and she’s not excited. Simon thinks the song was great but that she’s too serious and he was left cold. Paula says “maybe it was the drops of Jupiter.” ?? Simon says she acts like a fifty year old and Misha answers “I swear I’m not!” LOL. Randy agrees with Simon and Paula is just cracking up all over the place. Skara thinks she needs to loosen up but she has a good voice. Paula is now sneeze laughing for no reason. Paula please don’t ever leave.

Adam Lambert is closing the show? I’m so surprised that another one of the judges’ favorites is in the plum spot!! What are the odds? His hair is going to just get more and more ridiculous until he officially morphs into Elvira: Mistress of the Dork.

Would you like some syrup with your pancake?

What the fuck is wrong with people ?

His tragic story is about growing up in musical theater and having to learn how to “internalize the music”. He’s singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, which sums the night up pretty well. He starts off all slow and masturabotorily, growling into the mic and making come fuck me eyes at the cameras. He’s like Aunt Phyllis with his whole character thing, but he actually takes himself seriously so I think he’s hilarious.

I. Am so. Sure.

Cher? Proud.

We’re less than five seconds into the song.

He growls and snarls and shrieks and yells as I just roll my eyes. Hambert. He can sing waaaay high in his belt, which is pretty awesome. Have you ever pinched a baby really hard? Just asking. I think this dude’s a total poser cheeseball. If he could get past that his talent would shine through, but right now he’s just a screaming mess of a queen. It’s especially hilarious because he just said in his interview that he was gonna really make an effort to “connect” with us. Please, don’t ever try to connect again.

Paula loved it, which must mean it was awesome cuz Paula’s got a great ear. LOL just kidding. But I am glad she’s in a wig this week cuz her baldness was getting depressing. She gets to talk first, and says she’s not even watching American Idol, she’s watching a Hambert concert. Simon says that parts were excruciatingly bad and parts were brilliant. He loved the end notes but says it was just painful in the beginning. Hambert says that’s what music is. Some people love it and some people hate it. Thank you, Gaythoven. Randy calls him the most current artist ever on AI and adds that he looks like the vampire teen from Twilight. Skara thinks his vocal ability is outrageous, which is true. He has crazy range. Paula calls out his parents and then Skara cuts her off and asks if they can sing. Nice. No wonder Paula wants to quit.

And we’re done here. What do you guys think? I can’t even imagine who’ll make it tonight. I think we can all assume Hambert’s on his way to the top 12. I’ll go with the chola and Micha to round it out, although Aunt Phyllis could get it if America’s feeling like torturing me. See you tomorrow with results!