American Idol: Country Crocks

Tonight, Hambert pees all over the Grand Ole Opry. Eleven left. THIS. Is American Idol!

It’s hard to not like a person who can steal from Elvis, Madonna and Liza all at once.

The Idol logo splits in half to to reveal our Judges. So we’re keeping this, huh? Randy’s depressed and dressed like Mr. Rogers, Skara looks like the brisket I took home to go last night wrapped up in tin foil, Paula is in a Reno Sweeny from Anything Goes number, and Simon’s the same billion dollar shlub he always is.

The judges soak up the audience love, and the longer the producers let the audience lose their shit the harder they lose it. They get louder and louder and crazy sounding. One chunky girl is wooing and then just plain screaming. It’s a stampede! They’re looting! A little girl is being stomped to death!! Seriously though, one girl is screaming like a stuck pig. I would like to thank Tink for showing some respect for the art form and showing up in a suit tonight. He wishes us all a happy St Patty’s day and then the stage turns green and the band does what sounds like a mariachi song while I cringe.

Piss of! And don’t come back to my table without a fresh bowl of chips!

Tink says the show will probably be better now that we’re all wasted on green beer. I’m countin on it! Tink asks Randy if the contestants have evolved and Randy speaks three full sentences without epileptically slipping into “yo”, “dawg” or “what?” Boooring. I blame the Mr. Rogers sweater.

No, I won’t be your neighbor.

Skara is workin it tonight in silver. Silver is bad for visual boob distribution, and hers look like they’re trying to give us directions but can’t agree on which way to go.

North and South

Tink reminds Paula that last week she got wasted off her ass and told everyone they were gonna be in the finale. She just laughs and puffs out her chest. OMG is that TVgasm’s very own T.Vo behind Simon?

Miss you, girl!

It’s Country Night! Ruhroh. Country Night is always extremely painful. Simon is all grumpy about it, but I’m excited. I predict Hambert will dress like one of the Mandrell Sisters. Tink announces the Top 11, and Megan has this look on her face like Anoop just farted.

Then Danny “Church Lady” Gokey, wearing a little girl’s ski jacket, sexually assaults her.

Well isn’t that special?

We get a shot of someone who I’m guessing is Randy Travis aging badly. He’s starting to look like Julia Roberts ex husband.

We’re all gonna end up looking like Lyle Lovett one day. It’s called nature. Just saved you money on years and years of pointless moisturizer. You’re welcome.

Shots of the fan signs. OK those are all on the same posterboard and they were all made with the same markers. At least try to pretend that Other Simon didn’t just spend three days making signs backstage.

Something needs to be done about Hambert’s wig. Today it’s as big as Tink’s entire head.

Tink intros a video about the history of The Grand Ole Opry House, which still does a live radio broadcast to this very day. It’s launched the careers of such superstars as the old lady with a price tag on her hat from HeeHaw.

We all owe you a big thanks, Opry!

It’s apparently really hard to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry, but Carrie Underwood did it anyway. I wonder if Faith Hill came to her welcoming ceremony.

Randy Travis is this week’s mentor. He’s had 22 number one hits and sold 25 million records. That would be impressive if we hadn’t just learned last week that Kelly Clarkson’s sold eight gazillion albums. Suck it, Randy Travis! Randy seems real nice and genuine, in that “welcome to Cracker Barrel may I take your order?” kinda way. He laughs from his gut and tells the contestants that all he can teach them is to train horses so he’s just there to answer any questions they might have. When are you gonna stop doing your hair like an extra from Peggy Sue Got Married? When did your face cave in? Why do you sound like the rubber singing bass on my meemaw’s living room wall? Who’s nicer, the Sunnis or the Shiites? What was it like getting dumped by Julia Roberts?

He thinks this is the best group of contestants EVAH! It would be awesome if he said “unfortunately I wasn’t asked to mentor in Season 5, but well here I am with these morons.” Randy has brought his wife Elizabeth to the show tonight. I love Elizabeth because she wears a giant horrid wig proudly and makes faces at the camera like she’s getting her headshots taken.

Oil Rig Bear is up first with “Ain’t Goin Down Til’ the Sun Comes Up”, which he tells us has a whole lotta lyrics. Garth Brooks is the workin’ man’s Sondheim. In practice he can’t seem to stay with the piano, and Travis warns him that if he gets lost in the words he’s screwed. Oil Rig Bear says he’s taking a huge risk on this one. LOL. It’s country night. You’re country. Shut your face. His goal is to add “a little Oil Rig Bear flavor to it!” This song is gonna taste like Axe and fug faces.

Hairball.

When he comes out and sings, there is a little white version of Anoop sitting on the stage blowing like crazy on a harmonica. It’s both hilarious, uncomfortable, and sexy.

Oil Rig Bear seems to remember all the words, and he wasn’t kidding when he said there are a lot of them. I can’t really tell what the hell he’s saying because his diction is wack today. I hear “pickup trook” a lot, but that’s pretty much all I get. He wanders around the audience for two thirds of the song sweating all over them and shaking their hands, and the only notes he sustains are shaky and breathless. He was upstaged by the harmonica freak and outsung by the backup singers.

Randy says check it out check it out. He liked his personality but the song didn’t show much vocal prowess. Skara points out that he missed the big notes but is impressed that he learned so many words. She gives it one boob up and one boob down.

Boobie war!

Oil Rig says that big notes and singing well are important to him but country music’s about havin’ some fuuuun! The audience goes crazy, but his kid can’t believe he just said that on a show about SINGING.

Thanks for BLOWING it, DAD!

Skara says “One thing you can tell is that the sun came up!” Huh? Paula just stutters and jangles her bracelets around and tries to find words. Among them “fun” and “fun”. She gets it together kinda and says that he showed “artistic a…bility” by having a harmonica player onstage and “to me…allowed…to see you having fun” and “this is the genre that is suits you so well.” Thanks, Paula. Simon thinks it should have been good cuz it was country but it wasn’t good. He couldn’t understand a word Oil Rig said. Oil Rig gets sassy and retorts “co to froats did.” WHAT? What did he say? I can’t even understand him when he talks. Simon says he could have been singing in Norwegian and he should have come off as a star but cam off as clumsy. Oil Rig says if they were all perfect they wouldn’t need the show. Wow, that was a lame argument. “Of course I suck! I’m on American Idol!” Well done, Oil Rig. Well done. Simon says on a scale of ten he gives it a 1.2. LOL.

Allison Cholaheta is next with “Blame it on Your Heart” by Patty Loveless. She does a little ho down dance when she practices with Travis, and he’s like yeah don’t do that. He’s never heard a sixteen year old who’s sounded like a drunk fifty year old before, and he likes it and is sure that Patty would approve and offer the girl a carton of Marlboro Reds. Cholaheta comes out and growls the song out with confidence and attitude as usual. She pretty much nails it, but I’m getting tired of the same thing over and over. It was kinda boring but I think Patty might be more to blame for that than Chola. The only thing disappointing here was the lack of a ho down dance. And bangs.

Who stole this girls Aqua Net? A Dateline Mystery.

Skara says she could sing the alphabet. Original! Glad they brought you on. Paula says her rock thing is good but she might wanna try to show other sides of her voice eventually. Simon thinks it was good but tuneless in parts and it seems like she was struggling with lyrics. She says that she’s been singing the song at the 99 cent store in Echo Park since she was eight. Simon thinks she’s solid but verging on precocious. Randy thinks it was dope, which makes Lou Diamond Phillips stand and cheer.

Kris is singing “To Make You Feel My Love” by Garth. Travis thinks the kid is a great ballad singer, and he seems kinda turned on. Can’t really blame him, but EW.

As the camera pans from the judges’ desk to the stage, we get a morphed shot of what Kris might look like when he’s no longer a Twinkie.

Yikes. Obama’s so doing your show tonight.

Randy Travis gives Twink credit for not copying Garth, but he sure as hell copied someone (coughAdelecough). I don’t dislike the kid, mostly cuz he’s cute and he sings with a crooked mouth.

Thing is, I don’t really feel much when he sings. He sounds like a dime a dozen cute dude. There’s not much power or emotion there. But I will admit that this could all be because I love the Adele version of this song. Not only can she wail, but that girl feels it. The video is just her sitting around her apartment lonely in sweats staring at her cell phone waiting for a text that’s never gonna come. It’s heartbreaking and totally relatable cuz you know the bitch just downed a carton of Chubby Hubby and would jump out that window if it opened all the way.

Paula is surprised and pleasantly surprised, saying it was pure and honest. She thinks he had some pitch problems but it was a smart choice. Simon thought it was terrific. Damn. Kris isn’t wearing any underwear.

The song sounds much better like this.

Simon adds that it’s the first time that he thought Twink had a chance. Randy says he took a chance by showcasing his vocals. Go figure. Twink is a “tender dog”. No mention of his tender dog outlined in his jeans. Or was that a mention? I’m confused. And horny. Skara says that she couldn’t even tell it was a country song. Come on! These people are music professionals and they’ve never heard the Adele version? I call bullshit! This is like when Daughtry kept doing rock versions of songs last year and the judges called him totally original even though some of them were still playing on the radio. LAME.

Lil Rounds is up next, and I think she just finished eating a feast, because she forgot to take her giant bib off.

Tink asks her how much time the contestants spend together outside of shows, and she says “we send quite a few times together.” Yikes. Don’t let her talk. She says that the only country songs she’s heard have been in movies. LOL. PLEASE sing 9 to 5. PLEASE. She isn’t going to be doing her R&B thing tonight because she wants to “honor the country”. Travis is shocked that she’s doing Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” because it’s a huge song and it’s the theme song for the Sean Hannity Radio Show, so people all over the country are going to be wondering if she’s friends with a terrorist or if he’s just a “guy in the neighborhood.” When she first sings it for Travis, she says “I song it faster” than the original. LOL. I change my mind. Let Lil talk all the time. Between her and Paula we’ll have an entire new language by the end of the season.

Travis told her to slow the song down and loved it when she did, but tonight it sounds the same tempo as the original. She’s a little nervous and robotic at first and doesn’t put her spin on it til the last five seconds, which sound great. The rest is just robot shouts. I like Lil, but the last thing she should have done was “honor the country”. She needed to flip the country on its ass. She ends with a huge belt note but does that mic pull away from the mouth thing so we can’t hear her run out of breath. Is she ever gonna hit a final note? She’s pulled the mic away every time so far. Also, she has a white tongue, which means she’s lying about something.

Randy thinks at first he was worried but it got a little better when she hit the power notes. He says it was just alright and she argues that she wanted to show people that R&B isn’t all she can sing. Well…jury’s still out on that. Randy mentions that she could have sung “I Will Always Love You” cuz it was written by Dolly, but you know if she sang that they would have had a conniption. Skara gives her props for standing her ground and doing what she wanted even though it wasn’t the best choice. Paula loves the bib and thinks that she should have just sung the chorus the whole time. Simon calls her “Little”. LOL. He thinks she sounds like a girl who was forced to sing something she didn’t want to at a wedding. HAHA. Lil hasn’t been given much criticism so far and she’s not taking it well.

Listen here you pasty ass hairy backed man boobed old motha…

She starts arguing about this show being a learning process, but Simon cuts her off with “can I speak, Little?” LOLOLLLL. He says that she should have turned country into something that suits her. Little tells Tink that she agrees with the judges and she’ll do better next time. Atta girl! Her bib looks like it’s sticking its tongue out at Simon.

Hambert’s next, and thankfully he’s more out of control than ever. He’s wearing gold leather, Madonna gloves, a can of spray tan, and an Amy Winehouse wig. Love it.

Randy Travis is scared shitless of Ham, which is awesome. The song? I was guessing Loretta Lynne or Reba, but Ham went even gayer than I could have ever imagined with “Ring of Fire”.

Good luck with that.

He’s found a creepy version with sitars, and Travis doesn’t even pretend to not be mortified. By the arrangement, and by the nail polish.

Check, please!

No wonder the poor guy was scared. Hambert starts the insane arrangement out whispery and growly and eye fucky as usual. Then he skips up a couple of octaves and screams and wails like a banshee. He missed a ton of notes at the beginning and sounds horrendous, but once he gets going he nails it. In his own special

way. He’s just so much. He’s ripping at his clothes the whole time and passing on facial stds to the cameras. One thing this queen ain’t lacking is self love. He will be the first contestant in history to actually make himself climax onstage. And he’s starting to look like Kelly Osbourne.

or Linda Dano.

The audience seems to have liked it, but Randy Travis’ wife fell asleep.

Skara doesn’t know what to make of it. She liked the come fuck me eyes and says she’s confused but happy. Paula says he is true to the musical theater wacko ham that he is. Simon says Randy Travis was just trying to say “what the hell was that?” He thinks that lots of people are throwing their TVs out the window right now and it was indulgent horrific garbage. Randy thinks it’s young current fresh and hot.

Bed Head Blind Guy is up next with Martina McBride’s “Wild Angels”. Travis isn’t sure about it at first and thinks there’s something missing. Eventually though, Bed Head got it. Randy offered some good advice. Unfortunately, he kept his hair product to himself.

He’s not gracing us with his Dandelion hair tonight. Was it raining backstage? Poor guy. He looks like he can kinda see the teleprompter in the distance but he doesn’t know what it is and it’s scaring the shit out of him.

Please don’t take me!

The song is as off key, mediocre and painful as usual, but it is more touching sung by someone who sounds deaf. Paula thinks it was impressive and lovely and he works harder than most people. She thinks the piano is a crutch though and people need to see him as a showman. He offers to move the piano closer. LOL. That was pretty lame, because the piano literally is a crutch. Simon asks her what she expects him to do and thinks her advice is stupid. He’s comfortable behind the piano and that’s ok as long as you’re not Brooke White. Hypocrite!! Simon thinks that his performances have been too similar and Bed Head says that he’s lost a lot of hat picks. So is that an admission that they don’t pick their songs? Cuz that shit’s shady, especially since that’s the first thing they get berated for. You’re not trying to tell me American Idol’s not FAIR, are you? Cuz there’s no way I will ever believe that!

Paula calls Simon disrespectful and they argue more. Yawn. Randy was bored, and Skara says he needs to up his game, but he brings class and poise to the stage. Bed Head tells Tink that he spends all his down time either sleeping or working on his arrangements, because it takes a lot of work to make a Martina McBride song that one note. He says if he makes it into the Top Ten he will come out from behind the piano, and then Simon and Paula argue nonsensically some more. Bed Head spends the rest of his time staring at Tink’s ear.

I love you.

Tink tells us that Alexis Grace has been compared to Dolly Parton so it’s fitting that she’s singing one of her songs. 9 to 5! Someone! Please! She says that she missed the whole Simon and Paula fight, and Tink tells her that they both stormed out of different doors during the break. Oh please. That anger’s faker than the government finger wagging at the AIG bonuses. Both are very entertaining though, so thank you Simon, Paula, and Congress. Travis thinks she is perfect and has zero advice for her. I think he’s just glad to see finger polish on an actual girl.

She does a really nice job with the emotional part. I believe that someone is gonna steal her man. I just wanna scream “stop whining off key and smack the bitch!” She’s got a good voice, but again, if she’s going for Kelly Clarkson there’s no way in hell she’s touching that girl. She’s just a watered down version. The song is on the same level the whole way through and when she slips into a high note it’s painful. She misses way more notes than she hits. Ouch. She nails the end, though! There was an article this week in the NY Daily News claiming a PA said the show is rigged and the final four are Hambert, Church Lady, Alexis, and Lil. I can buy all but Alexis. I think Cholaheta’s gonna stomp her. The audience is pretty quiet at the end of the song, comparably. Even her own family stays seated.

Someone’s sick of babysitting.

Randy thinks it was a good song but not a great performance and thinks she missed too many notes. She says that she wanted to put her own spin on it and Randy says that’s good but it was off key. Skara thinks she lost her edge this week, and Paula thinks that it was more effective than the other judges think because it was “artistic”. That’s coming out of her mouth in almost every critique. Does Paula have a word of the day calendar? Cuz every week it’s something new. Personally, I want “relevant” back. Alexis says she just wanted to show some variety. Simon says she sounds too much like Dolly (SHE WISHES) and that the performance will be forgotten in ten minutes. Alexis tells Tink that she would have added some dirty in there if she could do it again. Next week she’s gonna be in a thong.

Church Lady is next with “Jesus Take the Wheel” by…

Could it be…SATAN?!?

Oh, Church Lady. I couldn’t have asked for more. He’s nervous in front of Travis and messes up a lot. Travis hopes he gets his shit together, but gives him credit for soulfulness and for changing his glasses eight times during rehearsal. He’s wearing a white safari jacket with the collar turned up. It’s very pure. Purely GAY. I can’t take my eyes off it. Jesus, take the wheel and get this boy to a GAP.

First off, I LOVE THIS SONG. Love it. It was the first Carrie Underwood song I ever downloaded, and Hedda Lettuce’s version “Jesus Take the Wheel Cuz I’m 2 Drunk 2 Drive” was the first Hedda Song I ever downloaded. I just like the idea of asking Jesus to drive me somewhere. I change up the lyrics for different circumstances. For example “Jesus Clean My House” or “Jesus Deliver Me a Pizza”. Try it. It’s like praying, only more fun. Hit it, Pearl!

Church Lady just annoys me. The lyrics are about a woman who’s had a shitty depressing year and almost gets in a wreck when she’s “low on faith and gasoline”. Gee, what could he be referring to with all this? That white jacket is Hokey’s wreck. He does the song the same as every week. He starts slow and slightly off key through the first minute, and then belts to the Heavens. Literally. He has a very good voice, butzzzzzzzzzzz. And why is it that he can only sound good when he’s yelling? This guy is so vanilla it’s painful. And for whoever said last week that I don’t like him “just because of the church thing, and it’s sad”, oh PLEASE. If I hated people for dorking up Jesus’ memory at “cool church” I’d never be able to go home. I was raised, educated and turned gay by church and enjoy the one day of the year I get to go to Gateway with my folks in Austin and watch some preacher on a giant screen give a sermon from across town while a rock band screeches out Jars of Clay covers and Meemaws in acid wash jeans raise their hands to the sky and talk in fake tongues. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hokey blows. And I love Jesus. Happy?

The audience goes absolutely nuts. Skara says that the front half wasn’t great but halfway through he nailed it. Well, you can’t just shout the whole thing. He’s tried it and you told him not to. Paula likes that he “built a story” and stutters out something that I think means she liked his levels. Also, he’s “brilliant” and Carrie Underwood would buy the record. Simon says his outfit is for a polar expedition. HAHA. Randy thinks that his belt was great but the verses were pitchy.

Anoop’s doing “Always On My Mind”. Travis thinks it’s scary to do a Willy cover but loves Anoops version and thinks it will be his best yet. And he’s right! Damn, I didn’t even know Anoop could sing. He sounds soft, controlled, and downright perty. The song’s a little slow and laggy, but he needs to squeeze it for all it’s worth, and he does. Most of what he did tonight was note masturbation, but he needed to prove that he could sing and he did. Nice, Noop! He also made a pirate face at one point, and that’s always good times.

Paula screeches that Anoop’s back and says she’s glad he picked a song “that allowed you to have your interpretation of it”. You know she really liked it cuz she’s put her boobs on the table.

The girls approve.

Simon says he managed to go from zero to hero and it was one of his favorites of the night and def deserves to be here. Randy says he proved himself and Skara says he nailed a classic, giving one of the best performances of the night. Anoop tells Tink that he’s not surprised by the praise cuz he always does his best. OK ick. And tell your brother to wear some fucking pants, please. This ain’t a movie theater.

Megan Doi Corky is next with “I Go Walking After Midnight.” Travis is wondering how she can make it unique. Why, with a flappy arm dance, of course! She does her groweling cartoon voice thing, but at first it’s at least on key. Then she gets nervous or something and sounds like a puppy who knows it’s about to get a shot of death begging for its life. She goes for some high notes and painfully misses every single one of them and cracks and wavers. It’s pure pain until the end. The last note is good, but wow this girl sucks ass. I know a lot of people like her because she’s “original”. Know why no one sings like that? CUZ THEY WOULD GET FOOD THROWN AT THEM. On a positive note, she looks gorgeous and does the awkward hip dance we’ve come to know and love. Like she has an imaginary hula hoop.

Randy says “you’re glad that was over, right?” LOL. She coughs. Aw! It just sucked cuz she’s sick! He thought it was gonna be a train wreck but was impressed. HUH? Skara thinks it was a perfect song and perfect look and she’s a winner cuz she performed with the flu. She never says she sang well, and Paula tells us Doi has been to the hospital this week and is still fantastic. Simon thinks she should have the flu every week cuz she was better than last week, but the stylist is sucking out her quirkiness. Then the judges spend another minute talking about how gorgeous she is. asfdihg[aoihb[oknvlknasogihwoirhg COME ON! THAT SUCKED ASS!!

Matt Gums Giraud is next and he’s singing Carrie Underwood’s “So Small”. Another Carrie song. Travis didn’t believe it at first but thinks Gums pulled it off. Randy Travis’ advice for the night? None. Thanks for stopping by, Ran! The judges aren’t even bothering to pay attention and talk through his entire vid package. When we come back, Simon has decided to show Paula what it’s like to have a beard upstaging her for once.

Gums is behind the piano, and he sings his soft notes and his belts with equal skill. He also chooses to sing it straight this time and not riff out every single line. I was getting worried for him cuz he has a bulls-eye zit right in the middle of his forehead, but he kicked ass. I worry that his lack of blindness or tragedy will get him booted before Bed Head or Church Lady, but I will try to have faith in the voters.

Skara says he’s amazing, but then Paula ruins the moment by trying to figure out how to say “authentic.” She gets it after a few tries and says he pierced her heart. She also gives Underwood credit for having so many songs sung on the show. Simon doesn’t think Gums has been given enough credit on his vocals and has been compared to Church Lady but outsang him tonight and turned in one of the best of the night. He also compares Gums to Michael Buble. Ouch. He meant it in a good way. Randy says it was the best of the night and that he can be compared to JT and Buble is a testament to his range. So what do you guys think? One of the better Country Nights of AI, no? I don’t think I will forget Hambert’s performance as long as I live. My guess is Oil Rig Bear or Doi are out. Say whatchoo got to.