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Tink flys down from Heaven and tells us that the contestants have a dream, and “the life of that dream” is in our hands. CRUUUUUUUNCH! YAYYYYYY. Dream killing time! That’s power! And THIS. Is American Idol!
This is the same camera trick Tom Cruise used in War of the Worlds to look taller than Dakota Fanning.
The show starts a few seconds after our DVRs started taping so we could get a little Fringe ad action. I just have one question. Is it just me or does this bitch look insane?
The Paulie Walnuts look really caught on.
We get a famous shot of some weird famous guy with no hair on his head or his brows who refuses to applaud. He’s kinda freaking me out. Who is this? And is that Hosea the Hoser from Top Chef 5 sitting down the row from him? I’m already confused and we’re just starting.
Take me to your leader.
Tonight’s theme is songs that make the readers of TVgasm feel like senior citizens, otherwise known as songs from the year you were born. Man I wish Paula would get up there and sing tonight. It’s been a long time since I heard the Flinstones theme.
Even out those clothespins holding back skin behind your wig. Your face is uneven tonight.
Shot of the alien looking dude looking like he’s about to burn Tink to ashes with his laser eyes.
This guys is FREAKING ME OUT.
We are going to get baby pics of the contestants, but also of the judges! YAAAYIKES.
This is before McDonald’s was invented, obvs.
Skara looked then like she talks now.
I was sooo disappooooointed in that sooooong choice! I wanted mooooore from yoooou! WAAAHHHHHH!
Tink says she looks in that pic like she made a poopy. She answers that it looks like Simon was babysitting her and she was craving one of his giant man boobies. Tink intros the Paula pic with “Paula looks exactly the same!” Except now she has a different nose, different cheeks, a wig, and a face made out of dashboard leather.
That little girl looks wasted.
Actually, little girl Paula looks exactly like TVgasm’s own Nads.
Little Boy Simon is in a military uniform, pointing a gun at the camera. Fitting. I think he’s had an ear tuck. And a boob job.
Mum, your humming in the kitchen over breakfast was less pleasant than sitting all the way down on a traffic cone. And now you must die.
Simon claims that the pic isn’t of him, and Paula intros the pic of Tink. YIKES.
This guy’s reaction is perfect.
Paula asks him if he liked carrots as a child. LOL. This entire segment was like a commercial for orthodontists, plastic surgeons, tanning booths, and Hitler.
The contestants are introduced and Blind Guy comes out wearing a split end halo in honor of Easter week.
We are starting with the oldest contestant tonight, which is Church Lady Gokey. Who could it be? Cholaheta? No. Courtney Cox? No. Could it be…
SATAN!?!
AW!!!
Church Lady tells a story about being a kid in the backseat of the car with colic, screaming his brains out. His dad looked back and said “wow, Rhonda! That kids got some pipes!”, which made Hokey think he was a singer. He was very impressed with himself for awhile, and just told himself amazedly, “I can sing! I can sing!” You know what else you can do? Make Tyne Daly look like a supermodel.
He’s doing “Stand by Me”, which is perfect because every time I hear it I think of the scene from the movie Stand by Me where everyone threw up all over each other.
He’s doing some Hokey ass white couples-skate version of the song, and he starts off softly, which is a huge mistake cuz he misses some notes. And he misses them really hard and painfully. Ten seconds in he’s shout-masturbating all over the stage. The music picks up and bongos come in. Way to turn one of the best songs ever written into a total cheesefest, Church Lady! Why isn’t there a disco ball turning? And where’re Isaac and Julie? Or Ron Jeremy. This whole thing is just wrong. No one should ever be allowed to turn the lyrics into “sta-yeah-yeah-yeah-and by me”. Paula likes it, and has a cheesier dance than usual for it. She’s literally doing the Church Lady dance.
As if he senses that he’s not getting on well tonight, CL churns it up and gives the audience what they came for. YELLING. OUCH. That blew.
Yay he’s done. Let’s eat.
HATE
Randy didn’t like the arrangement but says he’s an amazing singer. Skara didn’t like the arrangement either but liked the shouting at the end and says it was really unique. Come on! THAT WAS HORRID!!! Paula says that he has set the bar so high that she needs a plane to get a decent buzz on. She loved the arrangement and the “chord substitutions”. LOL. Simon goes “the what?” and starts cracking up. Then he asks her “why are you talking like that?” HAHA. Simon says the beginning was good, the middle was lazy, and the end was terrific. It’s usually great having Simon around because he is the only one who will always speak the truth. This season he’s become a giant rigger. There is no way Simon thought that bs was good.
Krispy Twink is up next. He tells us about going to the beach on his day off and riding the ferris wheel. The guy who worked the wheel asked him if he was from the show and then asked him to tell Hambert hi. LOL. That pretty much summed up the entire season. Who knew ferris wheel workers were so deep? Krispy’s baby pic is cute, cuz it was only taken like five years ago and you can see the beginnings of the now famous sideways face thing he does.
His mom tells us that of course she’s proud of her kid, but she would have been just as proud had he decided to go for his dream of being a taxi driver. Riiiight. I think his mother is a liar and has a seed of hatred for her poor kid. Why else would she give him this haircut?
The jaw went sideways to balance out those bangs. It’s called a bowl, Mrs. Krispy. Buy one.
Krispy’s singing “All She Wants to Do is Dance”, from 1985. Why? He does his own take on it with his guitar, and he opens with a drunk Ricky Ricardo impression
Loooocy!
I’ve never noticed Krispy’s speech impediment before. He has really hard p’s and sibilant esses. I think his tongue is too big for his mouth. Or he needs to get his jaw wired tighter or something. It might just be because he’s forced into the mosh pit of fugly tweens and getting as close to his mic as possible, as if he can somehow escape them.
You’re not safe. Just think about the ferris wheel and bite on a pillow. It will be over quick.
This arrangement is another eighties gone seventies version. What’s up with the band tonight? Songs from the years the contestants were born with arrangements from the year the band was born. For some reason, we keep getting a shot of one of the trumpet player’s rooster neck. It needs to stop. It’s cruel. To the trumpet player, to us, and to roosters.
“Lookit here son, I say son, Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin’ ‘em and you keep missin’ ‘em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.”- Foghorn Leghorn
Krispy is straining a lot on this one, and misses almost all of his big notes. In his defense, he’s probably being groped and prodded from every angle by the tween heifers in the pit. Still though, another ouch. We’re two for two tonight. And why is his wife sitting with Sherri Stringfield from ER?
Skara is glad he picked an uptempo but thinks it felt like jazz/funk homework. Yes it did. It also sounded exactly like Church Lady’s arrangement, which you fucking loved. I call bullshit!! And why is Skara dressed in a football uniform made out of drapes?
She gets booed, and gains thirty more pounds.
My son will NOT drive a cab, do you hear me whore?
Paula says his “quite faith” is heartfelt. Huh? Simon thinks he’s likable but says the performance was indulgent, boring, forgettable…some girl in the audience screams “Kris you’re HOOOOT!” and Simon says “so am I, but it’s not about that.” HAHA. He hated the song. Randy agrees, and adds a whole bunch of nonsensical words on top of his agreement. Tink tells Simon his critique was indulgent and predictable, and then calls him hottie. Krispy ignores them and starts working for those votes.
Lil’s mom Dolline wants to clear up the Little controversy over Lil’s name. Her grandma was named Lily so Dolline just took the first three letters cuz she couldn’t remember if Lily ended with a y or an ie. Fascinating. Now clear up why Lily named you Dolline. Cuz that’s fucking nuts. Hey! It’s Darlene! From Roseanne! Well way to make a point, sister!
And why was Little such an angry ballerina?
Fuck this tutu.
Little says that the first time her voice teacher heard her name, she said it was really original and she could see it in lights. I think the vocal teacher might be a weed smoker, because her short term memory sucks. That names already been in lights. And in prison. And on Broadway.
John Smith: Celebrity
Little’s taking on Tina’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and again, she completely ignores the judges’ request to make the song her own. She does the original version, and she even does it in dangerous heels, like my hero Tina Turner.
The carbon copy version is a mistake, because Tina felt this one. Little has a great voice, there’s no denying that, butzzzzzzzzzz. They told her to try and show some youth, so she comes out wearing a mini-skirt, a leather vest Oil Rig Bear left behind, and cheap plastic diamond ho shoes. It doesn’t help that she’s singing the song that made Tina Turner the oldest artist to have a number one song at that time. On the bright side, Little’s pregnant with twins! And she’s carrying the tykes in her butt.
Get to a hospital, girl. Those kids are cooked.
She takes it up and belts at the end, which sounds pretty good, but slowed down? Her riffs sound like they’re slogging through mud. At the end, she belts out a note and does her trademark take the mic away from my mouth before I bone the note move. Meh. Paula tells her she looks hot. Uhoh. She thinks that she needed to go out of the box but she just did the same old Tina version. Of course it took her two minutes to say that, but there you go. Simon translates. They’re not looking for third rate Tina and even calls her out on walking like Tina. I think that might be because they both have big butts and really difficult shoes. Anyway, he tries to pound it into her that she needs to be original. Randy repeats what the others said. Skara thinks she needs some good ole fashioned ARTISTRY. Little almost cries, but doesn’t. She tells Tink that she does listen to their advice and then babbles about something. I cannot understand her, but it’s nice to see her trying to make complete sentences. Keep practicing! Then her water breaks.
He’s still in movies? How? Why? Who? What?
Anoop’s next and he’s cheering because his team, The Heels, won. LOL Heels. How fitting that he roots for The Heels. Especially when he’s dressed like Urkel. Tink reminds Anoop that after Skara’s critique last week he said “excuse me?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. Anoop says he regrets it and that’s not the way he wants to represent himself. Then he blathers on about how he’s really nice and he’s really sorry. Longest apology ever. It’s like he said the n word on the set of a doctor show. Get him to rehab! Skara beams at his pathetic whiny pussy apology, happy that she doesn’t have to confront his family in the audience after the song.
In his video, he tells us that he was born on the same day as David Cook. That’s quite an accomplishment. He also tells us that he hated being in pictures as a kid because since he was an only child he was always the only one in the pictures. Sounds good to me! That’s why I cut my sister out of every picture I could find. As a child! Don’t be silly. That was then. Now I have Photoshop. Anyway, Anoop blames his mom for his hating being in pictures. Anoop’s kinda a dick, no?
I think Church Lady owns this hat.
He’s singing “True Colors”, which is perfect cuz he just showed a lot of them. He starts off softly and sounds beautiful, but forgets his lyrics. “The darkness inside you…” LINE! This is because his mother made him take pictures ALONE. Of course that’s a lie because not even Hambert eye fucks the camera as hard as Anoop does. It grosses me out. Every time the camera moves Anoop’s cruising it. He’s like a gay guy in a locker room. The song is prettyish, but boring and lifeless. Like Anoop! Wow. We’re four in now? Is anyone gonna not suck? That would be great. Thanks.
Ew. Keep those molesters in your head, nerd perv.
Randy loved it, but frankly I have learned to turn Randy’s voice off. Instead, let’s take a look at Skara. She looks like the Hunchback of Ana’s Linens. By the next commercial break her boobs are gonna be below her knees.
Skara says tonight he controlled the song and the song didn’t control him. Thanks, thinker. Who moved my cheese? Paula says he showed his true colors, just like a rainbow. Simon moons him with his ass head.
Crack is wack, Simon.
Simon calls him a yoyo because last week he was abysmal and this week was good. Not fantastic, though. He adds that no apologies are necessary. The judges can be nasty and he can be nasty right back. That’s worked out really well for everyone else who’s tried it. Tink says it’s time to go to Arizona and “get a glimpse” into Blind Guy’s life. I don’t know if that was intentional or just an unfortunate turn of phrase, but RUDE! His baby pics are cute, but the cutest one is of his sister. She looks exactly the same as she does now. Except less slutty.
He wanted to be a train conductor growing up, which led him to multiple train wrecks as an adult in front of millions of people. Man, I wish he still had Eight is Enough hair.
He’s singing “The Search is Over,” and this week, Blind Guy’s changing it up. Instead of playing piano, he’s playing guitar! Or at least holding one. For now he’s just standing there doing an impression of Marlee Matlin fighting with William Hurt in Children of a Lesser God. The camera man swoops around him and scares the crap out of him.
“Here you go! Hear my words! Hear my voice! Ah, you want more than that? I’m gonna scream!”
He has definitely upped his game this week. Or at least his volume. Damn, kid! Squeeeeze! At one point he punches out to the side completely off rhythm and then screeches out some really painful fals notes. Wow. This poor guy is really, really, really bad. Skara gives him credit for playing the guitar and says he had some good moments…
…and some off moments.
She’s very nice about saying “that sucked cornhole”. Too nice. She talks to him like he’s two, which is kinda offensive. Jesus. He’s blind, not retarded. Although sometimes the line blurs a bit.
TIMMAY!
Paula gives him credit for not playing piano. Is something wrong with her wig?
Oh god for a second I thought I was out here without my thinking cap.
She would have preferred acoustic guitar to electric, but he argues that it’s his punk side coming out. She compliments his sense of humor, calls his high notes screechy and then says overall “bravo!” Wow. That sucked, you screeched, you win! WTF? Simon says to go back to the piano next week and thinks it was horrible. Blind Guy says “it wasn’t that bad!” and Simon says “yes it was.” HAHAH. Randy says the problem was that it was just ok and he needs to leap off the stage. Vocally. Thanks for the clarification, cuz I think the fug mosh pit would let his ass fall. He reaches in for his kiss from Tink, but it never comes. One day, my boy. One day.
Can I feel your face?
Please don’t.
And now, Cholaheta! She was born in 1992 . Wow. To think that when I was a junior in high school Chola’s mom was nine months pregnant, walking around the 99 cent store in East Hollywood muttering “one day you’ll sing here and everyone will love you, mija.” Cholaheta was the biggest. Baby. Ever. No wonder her mother cries every time she looks at her. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Her mom? ADORABLE. She tells us that when Chola was a baby she wouldn’t stop blabbing and the doctor said that meant she was gonna be a star. So her mom started pimping her vox out at the city fair, thrift stores, swap meets and 99 cent stores to build her star chops. She grew into a star, and the family never had to pay for dish soap. Chola’s singing “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. A nice soft ballad? WOWEEEE! I’m proud of her! I might just be excited because tonight marks the return of chola bangs!
She’s dressed like she’s going to a flamenco funeral.
Chiquita Banana, RIP
She does really well tonight. She starts off copying the original, which is worrisome, and she sounds older than Bonnie Raitt. Towards the middle she adds in her own riffs and kicks the song’s ass. The only thing that kept it from being a knockout was the fact that she kept doing her “two for one Dora lunchboxes on aisle three” smile. Girl, you’re singing about never finding love with your perfect mate. Stop smiling. The outfit is hideous, but combined with the sad song, fried hair and fifty year old vibrato, it works for me.
Paula loved it and says she loved her gut wrenching tenderness and originality. Simon thought it was “very good” and thinks that they just need to make her more likable because of her weirdo personality. Chola asks “too boring?” LOL I love that she is so self aware. Simon tells her to come out of her shell, basically, but I like her awkwardness. Who else can turn “rrrrr uhhhhhh mmmmmm raaaaar” into an entire interview? Besides the President? Randy says that she’s like Kelly Clarkson and should learn to embrace the public cuz she can sing like a pro. Kelly Clarkson still can’t speak, so what’s your point? Skara says she doesn’t care what the results are, she’s ready to make an album with the kid.
Gums is next, and has officially become an Indian woman.
His dad tells us that all the kid did was sing sing sing all the time. He even put on ridiculous outfits for church choir so he could sing. America, why must we torture our children in church? It’s bad enough to have to sit there for an hour. Do you really need to add a sparkly crown of thorns knock off?
It’s ON, Church Lady!
He’s singing “Part Time Lover”. He’s given up the piano tonight, but he’s got his cheese ass fedora on with a matching cheese ass pleather members only jacket. OY. He starts waaay up in fals, which is flawless. The whole song is riffs, but he only misses one. He reaches up for some high notes towards the end and bones them, but he’s out of breath from bopping up and down and doing vocal acrobatics. He’s got to calm down and just sing a damn song. What was that? You can riff, we get it. He’s got such a great voice, but
I…felt….nothiiiiiiiiing!
His friend with the super pointy boobs liked it.
Randy thinks vocally it was one of the best of the night. Skara shouts “incredible on every level!” and Paula says “two words: standing o!” Then she looks down to make sure she shaved.
Simon thinks it was a million times better than last week. AND THEN MY DVR CUTS OFF!!!! WTF?LSFgoihfgboiqhergbiqehjrgb goddammit fox! So now I have to record Fringe or I don’t get to see Hambert?!? This is ridiculous! paosiudhg[osidhbv[aoishdbq[eoifhb argh. Alright. I’m back. But I’m still pissed! In, out. In, out. In and Out! YUM! I’m happy again. Hambert’s baby pic is adorable and looks nothing like him. This is before he asked the tooth fairy for his first Liza wig.
His dad is really cute about skirting the gay issue. Mom goes on about all the things Ham loved as a kid and Dad adds “sports and boobies? No.”
Wigs and foundation? Yes. Who knew Ham was a ginger?
Some kids were obsessed with Inspector Gadget, but Ham was obsessed with Linda Dano’s brilliant portrayal of Felicia Gallant on Another World. Montage of Ham dressing up as a kid.
How’d he get half of Paula’s base face?
Dirty Mary
Love him or hate him, you have to give Hambert points for starting out a song on the pot. I don’t think that’s ever been done before.
Don’t forget to squeeze the Charmin, fruit loop.
He’s singing “Mad World”. Tears for Fears? HELLS YEAH! He’s doing the Gary Jules version, which is beautiful. The video for this song is great. Check it.
He does a really nice take on the Jules take, and keeps it fairly soft and restrained the whole time. He misses a couple high notes but honestly? Who cares? He just blew everyone else out of the water. I thought he could never move me after last week’s funky white boy party cruise crapfest, but wow. Here I is. Nice! And I love that he has the guts (or utter gayness) to wear a leather windbreaker with a built in scarf. Who does that? He shows off his girl thighs and it looks like there’s a hole where his package should be. I am so confused right now. But happily confused.
I think.
Simon is the only one to talk since they’re running late, but he gives him a standing o. Good job Liza!! What did you guys think? I have a feeling it’s gonna be Anoop or Blind Guy on their way out tonight.
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Yeah, probably. I’m just relieved Alison won’t be in the bottom 3 again.
flipit- the creepy guy is a character on Fringe. He’s supposed to be creepy, so well done, Creep?
Also: “She’s dressed like she’s going to a flamenco funeral.” Yes, and LOL
Thanks for getting this up so quickly! You made my morning Flipit. LOL at everything! And sorry Blind Guy but you need to GO!
I can NOT believe you didn’t post a pic/comment about the fact that Paula had bright pink lipstick all over her top teeth!! I found it HIGHsterical, and couldn’t believe her assistant didn’t run out there and wipe it off! bwaahaahaahaa!
Wow, this week was kind of lame.
Gokey. Ugh. I used to like that song, but what was with the cruise ship crap? And the yelling? And the general crapiness? And why can’t the judges say the truth about him sucking?
Krispy. Aw, cute! Simon thinks his performance was indulgent? Krispy isn’t the one with the dead wife singing a cruise ship version of a song called “Stand By Me” from a movie based on a Stephen King story about a dead boy’s body. *That* is indulgence, you manky tosser. I usually like Simon because he talks straight, but that was crap. Krispy blowed, but no less than Danny and his song. Uneven judging.
Lil. I was lucky enough to see Tina do this song live. Lil is no Tina and she was trying too hard. She has such a pretty voice, but this came off as a drag impersonation.
Anoop. Stole Randy’s clothes before he came out. And somehow dressing like Randy, dressing like Mr Rogers, inspires … Cyndi Lauper? True Colors. I liked it, but I wasn’t feeling it. Sang along, though.
Scott. “get a glimpse” — I reacted to that too, Flip, right up until he started singing “The Search is Over” which talks about seeing constantly. Like every other lyric, which I probably wouldn’t have noticed if the show hadn’t battered it into me that Scott is blind every freakin’ week.
“How can I convince you what you see is real,” “Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever,” “The search is over, love was right before my eyes.”
Ugh. Survivor.
Electric guitar = punk? In what disturbing universe? ‘Cause I was thinking more along the lines of Poison or Winger. Or Survivor. This guy has never left the 80s and those crappy love ballads.
Allison. Whoa, big baby! Great song choice, even if I hate it b/c it lasts so danged long and is so danged slow. Chola has such a great voice, but man it *is* lower than Bonnie’s!
Gums. “Part-Time Lover.” I liked it, even if I hate the song. You know, there were some really great songs from ’85-era, and while I am pleased no one sang “Power of Love,” I am still irritated by the crap they did sing.
Ham. Tears for Fears was one of my favorite 80s bands. Finally, something other than a crappy love ballad! I love this song in any incarnation, including Adam’s. It was just different enough from Gary Jule’s version to not be totally ripping it off. Creepier than the original, but dang that is a pretty song. Loved Adam’s take on it.
I do hope it’s Dandelion’s week to walk. I am so sick of his sappy, crappy 80′s ballads. I’m guessing Dandelion, Anoop and Krispy in the bottom 3? Maybe Chola or Lil.
P.S.: Thanks for including the “Mad World” video, Flipit! I love, love, love that song so much.
qupert: YES!!! I couldn’t believe no one told Paula that she had very noticable lipstick on her teeth. Awesome.
At the beginning of this season, if someone had told me that I would end up liking Adam, I would never have believed it. But he and Allison are my favorites, since they’re the only ones that I look forward to seeing every week. Everyone else falls somewhere between “get the hell off my TV already” (Scott, and more recently, Danny) and “reasonably pleasant but pretty forgettable.” (Anoop, Lil, Matt)
Love it Flip..
But what is depressing to me is that when you were a junior in HS I already had ten years in the military…
UGH…I hope that dialidol was wrong and Kris is not in serious trouble.
Welcome to team Hambert, Flipit! Even without the video (Thank you, BTW), that song has been in my head all morning. Excellent!
Here4beer: Thanks for clearing up the creepy guy. I was counting on someone on this site to clear it up for me.
Bottom 3: Gums, Lil and Scott (Twink is waaaaay to popular with the ladies…)
Awesome recap–thanks for all the laughs!
My DVR cut off Adam’s performance as well. I didn’t really care much because I just cant bring myself to like him. Then I heard he did more of a Gary Jules version of Mad World and was curious how it was cause I love that song. Well, a radio show played it this monrning, still not impressed. I really want to like him. I just can’t.
My fave of the night was Matt. Really liked Allison tonight too.
wmdaggie: I heard the same. I hope they are wrong, he has really grown on me and I think he would be the most commercial out of the bunch. He has that Jason Mraz / Ryan Cabrerra feel. His acoustic stuff is way better than that mess he did last night. I’m thinking they might even use a save on him if that is the case. At least I hope.
Gr8 recap Flipit, and that line about this theme making the readers feel like senior citizens, I’m only 20, I’m sorry had to get that in there.
Lil isn’t going anywhere, seriously she’s only the black contestant they have. Scott or Kris are going to go home!!!
My DVR lost Ham’s bit, too, and I haven’t had a chance to hear it (GRRR)!
Great recap… and fast!
Allison was about the only performance I really liked. She is also one of the few exceptions to my rule of: they sound better if I close my eyes.
I think blind guy should be out, but Nick’s effort was weak; plus he sang early and many people forget all but the last 15 minutes (my excuse is that I’m older than dirt).
It’s too bad that “Part Time Lover” was ruined utterly and forever when Kevin “Chicken Little ‘N’ Eternal Virgin” Covais performed it in Season 5. Loved the shot of Darlene Conner, BTW.
love, J-Mo
I haven’t even read your recap yet — just giggling about the title. What a buncha crap that they cut off Hammy. It’s times like these that we realize that DVRs simply cannot compensate for idocy. RYAN — PAULA — I’m talking to you buffoons.
Okay, off to read the recap *skips merrily away in anticipation of many more laughs*
Dear God, it’s me, Carmelicious –
Please send Scott home tonight, and please tell your best friend Gokey that he sucks harder than a hooker at christmas time.
Appreciate it –
C
Randy pre-McDonalds – haha!
Hilarious recap!
Just a few things to note:
1. I love how Anoop mentioned that he was born on the same day as David Cook, like, somehow that makes them kindred souls and everyone that voted for him should now turn to the desai-side. Frankly, he’s fallen to the bottom of my list since I found out he’s an only-child. Screw you, and your never learning how to share!
2. Allison – I wonder if the producers told her to zip it after the “I don’t cut myself” comment? I thought it was funny, but you know fox probably got all up in arms about it.
3. Regardless of whether I like Glambert or not, I am impressed that there is finally a damn contestant on this show that appears to have actually watched it before! Meaning, he knows that talking back to the judges is a no-no, he knows that picking known, but not iconic songs is the way to go, he knows that mixing up the ballad/up-tempo works -
4. So, last night when my DVR also cut out, I literally looked up HORRIFIED, and screamed: MOTHER FUCKER! at the television, and I knew, I knew the time had come that I’ve got to get out of the house now and then. ugh
It wasn’t dvr’s fault…American Idol went like 10 minutes over…I missed the first 10 min of the mentalist =(
Re: Kris…no way he’ll be in the bottom 3…too many fans
the bottom 3 should be scott, Lil, and Anoop (did not like him at all last night). I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Allison gonna be in the bottom 3…She seems to not have much of a fan base (see: being in the bottom 3 twice even though she hasn’t bombed yet (cough scott cough))…I think Lil and Scott will join her in bottom 3 with Scott and Allison in the bottom 2 and Scott out.
Uh, my brother WHO IS BLIND IN ONE EYE says Scott’s on AI only because of his (alleged) blindness. Hey, it’s not like he can sing. And I, for one, still don’t believe Scott is blind. (It’s all an act.)When I’m drunk I’m blinder.
And you know, you’re always going on about the “humpy” older brother (of Scott) but let me tell you something Flipster, the brother is NOT ALL THAT humpy. As a matter of fact, brother looks very much like Nancy Kulp aka Miss Jane on The Beverly Hillbillies.
Like Carmelicious I would advise you to “get out more.” If you want humpy walk around Sunset Junction for 15 minutes. You’ll find it there.
I almost feel bad for the Hunchback of Ana’s Linens!!! Too funny, Flip, and as always, thanks for the speed and snark!
Hate to say it, but I HATE Stand by me, it’s sooooooo over done and slow . . . whatever it was before I became so fucking sick of it. Fortunately, that was not the song that CL sang, not sure what it was, but it wasn’t that!
I’m gonna be pissed if Dande doesn’t go this time . . . c’mon people, that was horrid–no more sympathy votes, k . . .
I thought Noop was gonna bone that, but it was pretty good, and enough to have him stay over Dande– i also doubt it was Krispy’s idea to bring in the horn section, call me crazy. The band sucks this year, and the sound mixes are also awful . . . can it just be coz of the change in higher ups!?
Still love Chola, far and away the most interesting voice, just gorg, but I wasn’t feeling that one 100%–please don’t end up in the bottom, girl, and the outfit, and they said nothing this week. She does remind me of Kelly too.
Well, with no adorable baby to save her, will Lil be bottom feeding? She deserved to be read the riot act, since the first show it’s been so meh, maybe she just ain’t got it, but again, not before Dande . . . is it me!?
I was lucky to catch Ham on the live signal after Tivo ended. Interesting to see Simon stand, first time ever, yes? He was clearly the best, but for once, the pimp spot might not be a help, as many of you peeps missed it!!!
I heard Bill O Rielly went off on Ham’s internet pics from burning man, screaming about no backlash and he’s likely gay . . .HaHa!
Mr. Dangerous – YES! Thank you, I knew that Scott’s brother reminded me of someone and he definitely has some Miss Hathaway in him for sure.
I LOVED Adam this week, as per usual, as well as Allison, Matt and Anoop.
I didn’t think Danny was that horrible, actually. However, I cannot like him because he’s a jackass. And I HATED the arrangement.
I love Kris and I didn’t even mind his rendition last night.
Top Three: Matt, Allison, Adam
Bottom Three: Lil, Scott, Anoop or Kris
And Flip, I hate to break it to you, but I’m younger than all of these contestants except Allison. No senior citizen here…
Great recap as always, Flip.
I gotta admit as much as I’ve been a Hambert hater, I heard his song replayed on the radio this morning and I didn’t hate it. Kind of grows on you. I think that Confused Dandelion is out of his league now and should be the next to go. That bit with the guitar was just painful to watch.
Idol ran 10 minutes over because Paula takes too long to form a sentence (kinda like William Shatner on Star Trek) and we really don’t need 4 judges.
Oh, I forgot! How did you miss these gems?:
Simon, to Paula (when she was talking about chords and some other shite): “I can’t stand you.”
Simon, to Chola (talking about getting a personality): “Maybe start saying ‘cool beans’.”
hahahaha! I love Simon.
Yes juddfan, you are right. Simon has NEVER stood up for anyone before after their actual performance – the only times I’ve ever seen him stand were at the finales when the winner was announced and at results show, if somebody got kicked off who didn’t really deserve to.
And also, Bill O’Reilly didn’t really say much about Adam. I think his main goal was to make it into a big deal and maybe discourage people not to vote for Adam because he’s gay (?) but both of the women that he spoke to pretty much said “He’s talented, people aren’t voting for his sexuality and after all, isn’t Elton John still popular?” etc. etc.
O’Reilly just looked pompous, as per usual.
flipit…DUDE, i’m scared.
No, no, O’Reilly (including the two bot-girls) was clearly sending out a message to the Church Lady crowd.
I laughed out loud during Dandelion Head’s performance. Hysterical. On guitar?! I kept hoping he’d smack his teeth into the microphone.
The Church Lady is awful. Way to trash a great old song. Which, uh, dates from back way before 1980. Isn’t that sort of breaking the rules? Does picking someone else’s “version” of an old song count? Do these stupid theme shows mean anything?
It doesn’t matter, he just shits all over everything he sings.
Flipit, you missed the reason why Mahatma Gums was wearing the hat — covering up his unicorn horn. That’s why the thing was smashed down so low like that. Made him look like a pinhead.
I like how they slipped in the fact that he’s YET ANOTHER jesus freak. What is with this show? Is it because it’s so easy to get that crowd to drop the coin to make the phone calls?
Oh, and Lil really blows as a singer — she’s another one (like Megan) who has the foundation of a decent voice, but just has no idea whatsoever about how to use it. Everything she sings sounds like she’s copying what ‘real’ singers do. She’s just a poser.
Krispy has horribly poor enunciation. He’s pretending to sing like a soul (read: black) singer, so he’s slurring all the consonants (when he’s not punching the mike with them). But it ends up sounding like he’s got a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I liked Hambert’s song–until I watched the video. The other guy sang it much much better. Still, I think Hambert was pretty good–I actually watched the entire song–and should win this. Since he’s the only one who actually can sing.
Well, okay, Allison’s not bad, but she’s kind of a drip and it comes through in her performance.
Anoop…not even worth considering. Frat boy.
Itchy – I have a bone to pick with you.
Why on earth does it matter about Matt Giraud’s religious convictions? He hasn’t made any outside reference to it that I can recall and just because he went to church as a child doesn’t mean that he’s a “Jesus Freak”. And anyway, so what if he is? Why do you care so much?
And why did you use the term “frat boy” as a derogatory one? So what? I know many people who are/were involved in the Greek system in college and they are nothing at all like the typical jackasses featured in D-list movies.
Why not be a *bit* more tolerant, mmmkay?
Thanks, Georgiababe, and I can’t believe your such a youngin’–I thought we were all jaded old queens here, kidding!!! I said, KIDDING!!! Perhaps I’m the jaded old queen . . .
Itchy, I agree, the Gary Jules version is sung much better, but I still think Hammy deserves props. I can’t believe how many people are name dropping Gary Jules–am I supposed to know who that is, other than the dude who sang on the Donnie Darko soundtrack . . .?
It would be fun to see Gorkey be in the bottom, but alas, it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.
HOw many of these peeps we trash week to week do you think actually read these comments . . . would be interesting to know, but I think there’s some kind of blocking out of media for the contestants. Tho they do mention i-tunes . . .
Oh please, my opinions are just that –mine. I’m not asking you to agree with them, nor to adopt them as your own.
I can’t help it if what I find funny and worth taking shots at doesn’t always match your world view. I don’t think it’s fair of you to hold me to that standard either. I can’t possibly only ever write what you wish to read, can I?
Tolerance is a two-way street. I’d much prefer it if you’d just roll your eyes in a “oh, there goes that itchy, off on another one of his curmudgeonly anti-religion rants” way.
But as long as you’re asking…
For some reason, the Idol producers really want ol’ Gums to stick around. Even though he’s not that great of a singer, and he’s kind of awful to look at while he’s singing (almost as horrible as Church Lady). And the voters keep putting him in the bottom three.
But they really really want him to stick around. So this time out, they give him one of the best spots — which became the true pimp spot, since the show ran overlong. (Because all of a sudden the director doesn’t know how to pace the show? It’s been on for, what, eight years?)
And for good measure, they let the people know that he’s another ‘christian’ for them to vote for.
I mean, they went out of their way to offer up this information just for him. He never mentioned it, so why should they?
But I keep wondering who would actually waste their time and money voting for this show? I figure they’ve got the 10-12 year old girl set. And a crowd of VFTW people. And then who else?
It would have to be a whole subset of people who have already been programmed to give because a guy on television tells them to.
So I’m not ragging on the religious bit here (for once) –it’s the way the Idol people are pimping religion/religious sentiment that I find interesting. Just like I find it interesting that that O’Reilly creep started dropping hints about Glambert…No one else thinks that came off like a “there’s a bear in the woods” ad?
I find this all quite amusing. And worth taking a crack at. Because it’s funny. To me.
Just like I find frat boys funny. “Greek” indeed! Sorry about that. I just do. Maybe I went to the wrong university.
Itchy, it’s free to vote, just takes time, esp right after the show starts. I’ve called in at times to see if the lines busy for some, at other times to keep someone from the bottom. I keep thinking I need to vote for chola girl, everyone seems to like her, but no one votes for her . . . WHY!!!
Flip, I haven’t even gotten through p1 and I’m laughing my arse off.
You SLAY me!
now, reading on…
Ah, I didn’t realize it was free — over here it costs 56 euro cents per vote + the cost of the call itself.
Well, I’ll have to find some other sort of subtext to keep me occupied while these people murder music.
juddfan/itchy: I love “Mad World;” Gary Jules’ version has never failed to send chills down my spine. To be fair to Hambert, Jules’ wasn’t singing live in the video. I’m sure Adam’s voice could be cleaned up and produced just as nicely if they ever cut a single of this song.
And, btw, “I heard Bill O’Reilly went off on Ham’s internet pics from burning man, screaming about no backlash and he’s likely gay …” Likely gay? Boy was dressing up as Phantom of the Opera at 10. Other boys wanted to be like Mike (Jordan); he wanted to be Michael Crawford. Likely? Ha. Loofah, you pompous git.
georgiababe: I live in Austin, TX, where the frats make “Porky’s” look like “Kindergarten Cop,” so I fall on the side of itchy on this one. Maybe Georgia frat boys are better at being gentlemen? Greek guys *are* funny. I mean, they moon the bats on Congress bridge, which is sort of like mooning Stevie Wonder — blind as a bat? See, funny, in a moronic, pass me a Bud kind of way.
I think my favorite part of the show is watching Simon’s facial expression when Paula comments. Every other judge they pan just their face, but not Paula, Simon has to be in the shot. I wish he say in between Paula and Kara, cause I would love to see his reaction to some of the crap Kara says too.
Oh and SO pleased with last night’s results.
say = sat, of course
I haven’t watched the DVR from last night but I do hope blind dandilion goes because the combination of “blind face” and the awful group choreography centering around him not wiping out is getting on my nerves.
Oh, Flipit… I read the recap with my husband in the same room on a business conference call, and I spent the whole time shaking desperately trying not to burst laughing out loud. As I’ve said before, really good exercise for the abs, although you probably could have taken some pictures of my trying-not-to-laugh faces and caption them with a TIMMAY! and it would have been perfect. I also love the CL pictures with …SATAN? You always manage to find the perfect facial expressions for those two classics!
Itchy, Itchy, Itchy… What in the world makes Gums a Jesus Freak? Going to church as a kid just means your parents practiced that particular religion. I went to Catholic school as a kid, all my “performing” experiences from when I was a kid were from there, and my biggest starring role was as Mary on one of the bazillion Christmas pageants my school put on. If I were on Idol having to talk about what a precious precocious li’l talent I was, you bet your ass I’d be proudly showing off my “I got a starring role ONCE!” I wouldn’t care if it was as Mary, Frodo Baggins or Ralph Wiggum’s “I’m Idaho!” I believe in God as much as I believe in the Easter Bunny, but I have considered myself an agnostic for my whole adult life (I do love Colbert’s definition of us as “atheists without balls”), and mainly I haven’t been an out-and-out atheist because I really lack the kind of religious fervor needed to get all in a tizzy every time somebody shows the slightest indication of having been exposed to religion, favorably considered religion, or actively practiced religion, and to then go on a crusade to convince them and the rest of the world that the only salvation lies on a strictly rationalist view of the world. But that’s just me and what I find funny!
I loved Hambert’s song. I hadn’t heard it before, but now that I am older and wiser I find that I really like Tears For Fears. Back then it was all about Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran… Yes, I am an old fartess.
Well, I just figured, since he’s growing that unicorn horn, he’s got a thing for mythical figures. ;-D
“Boy, you’re as sharp as a sack of wet mice.” – Foghorn Leghorn.
Flip, I had exactly the same reaction as you did to that godawful Matt McC trailer. WHY, god? Didn’t his last three pictures TANK?
Thanks for the plausible explanation for Lil’s badonkadonk. I’ve been wracking my brain.
now, reading on…
Blind Dandelion?!? Too funny!
itchy — I agree, that wanna-be Archuleta kid with the crooked smile – Krispy, is it? – does not enunciate properly.
I cannot believe the judges haven’t called him out on that yet. Sloppy.
Also, I’ve never called in to vote, but I’m pretty sure it costs real money to make the call(s) over here in the States as well.
juddfan – are you sure it’s free to vote? Or will you be getting a nasty shock when you see your phone bill at the end of the month??